Die Zeit - Interview with Thomas Hitzlsperger
Die Zeit - Interview with Thomas Hitzlsperger about his coming out
Die Zeit: Mr. Hitzlsperger, you have asked for a talk, why?
Thomas Hitzlsperger: I want to express myself about my homosexuality. I would like to promote a public discussion - the discussion of homosexuality among professional athletes. This theme is always stuck in the clichés - Professional athletes are considered perfectly “disciplined”, “hard,” and “hyper-masculine”. Homosexuals, however, are considered “bitchy”, “soft”, “sensitive”. Of course, this does not fit together. A homosexual professional athlete? Contradictions are built up, which annoyed me in my professional career over and over again. These contradictions are sold to the regular pub meetings as sensations. I was also annoyed, that always those with the least expertise speak the loudest about this topic.
Die Zeit: Why do you want to speak now then? Did someone threaten to out you?
Hitzlsperger: That would not be a threat to me. What’s that all about? As a professional, I was a public person, on which every sociopath could rub without a second thought. In football you can be accused of anything, then you’re considered: “manic-depressive”, “homosexual”, “addicted to gambling”, “bankrupt”. But the most common currently is “homosexual”, especially with the luxurious-denunciatory rating “gay”.
Die Zeit: Do you think the term “gay” is denunciatory?
Hitzlsperger: Yes, it is mostly used in that way.
Die Zeit: But why do you speak only just now?
Hitzlsperger: I had to quit my career as a professional football player - too many injuries. So I now have time for this commitment. Moreover, I feel that now is a good time for it. The Olympic Games in Sochi are coming up and I think critical voices against the campaigns of several governments against homosexuals are needed.
Die Zeit: Since when do you know that you are gay?
Hitzlsperger: Many people believe that there is an exact moment for such a thing. This is of course naive. I myself grew up in the predominantly Catholic Bavaria in a small community. Homosexuality was treated like something unnatural, even criminal. I did not care. Because I could not imagine that this would ever be an issue to me. Only much later I read texts about the naturalness of sexual diversity, for example texts from the sexologist Volkmar Sigusch. All this did not fit with the Catholic doctrine. I found it exciting precisely for this reason. Only gradually it dawned on me: This concerns you.
Die Zeit: Really not before you were an adult? Did you not noticed that you feel differently than others, and talked to someone about that?
Hitzlsperger: How do you imagine that? And what do you mean by “feel differently”? Different from whom?
Die Zeit: Different from most young men the same age …
Hitzlsperger: Feelings are always subjective.
Die Zeit: Certainly. But have you talked with someone about your subjective feelings?
Hitzlsperger: Well, on what occasion could I have spoken about the sensations of sexual orientation? For a professional player, there are a lot more important issues that one is itching to deal with. A football team is not a self-awareness group. We talk about games won, goals scored and perhaps trouble with authorities such as immigration or tax authority. You have a girlfriend or not. I was lucky to find a really good friend very early. We lived happily together - an all around good time! The job demanded not only my time, but especially challenged me mentally. There was a lot to talk about - aggressiveness, media criticism, obedience, fairness, the teammates, the change of location, the standard of living, religion. Our relationship helped me over many difficulties, because my partner always stood by me. The relationship lasted longer than most relationships in our circle of friends. We even planned to have a wedding. After eight years, however, this relationship ended, without my partner knowing about my feelings for men. That was six years ago.
She remained the only woman for me. I did not want any other woman after her. I also realised that I reached my own physicall limits as a football player. And I began to accept the change of my sexual orientation as a side effect of aging and career transition.
Die Zeit: You see homosexuality as a “side effect of aging and career transition”?
Hitzlsperger: Yes. Only in recent years it dawned on me that I would rather live with a man.
Die Zeit: Did the fear of the possible reactions of teammates, coaches and fans also matter during your long period of silence?
Hitzlsperger: Homosexuality is simply ignored in football. In England, Germany or Italy it’s not a serious issue, not in the dressing room anyway. Therefore, it’s not easy at all to find someone in the football scene who wants to speak publicly about his sexual orientation. To this day I do not know any football players personally who has made this his issue.
Die Zeit: Do gay footballers risk their career when they come out?
Hitzlsperger: For the athletic career, it fortunately doesn’t matter. If you include the development of an advertising medium to the career there could be problems. In society, there is still something like a business-sexuality today. One who ignores this will be laughed at.
Die Zeit: So, when it comes to sexuality professional football is still a closed society?
Hitzlsperger: When the team goes out in the evening, people drink, they have fun. Of course, then the players talk about women too. But no one will talk about attractive men in a situation like this.
Die Zeit: How uncomfortable did you feel in this culture?
Hitzlsperger: Just think about it once: 20 yound men sitting around a table drinking together - you’ve just got to let the majority be, just as long as the jokes are halfway funny and the talk about homosexuality doesn’t get too insulting.
Die Zeit: Because of fear that the truth comes out?
Hitzlsperger: It’s not that easy. Some know about their own homosexuality already. Others are afraid to question their sexuality too closley. Those who are afraid of their own sexuality, also fear to be discovered by others. And so they try to divert attention from themselves, become aggressive or pick a quarrel. That’s what I then called “laundry mood” for myself, I could hardly bear it.
Die Zeit: Have you ever been ashamed of beeing homosexual?
Hitzlsperger: Why should I be ashamed? I have never been ashamed that I am the way I am. However, I have asked myself the typical questions that many homosexuals ask themselves: What would my friends say? How will my family react? But I have never been ashamed.
Die Zeit: And yet you lied for years?
Hitzlsperger: Who has a feeling for the mood of a team knows just what is happening. Peer pressure can be enormous. And It’s just the same with relatives. But there is a difference between silence and lies.
Die Zeit: An example, please.
Hitzlsperger: When it came to issues such as cheating and other women, I answered: “My girlfriend is too important to me.I won’t do this.” This was certainly not a lie, since I actually had a very loving and good relationship with my partner.
Die Zeit: Have others therefore classified you to be narrow-minded or bourgeois?
Hitzlsperger: Definitely not. I simply stuck to those who ticked similar. After my girlfriend moved out, I simply lived alone. And that was new to me. Eventually it started: “Don’t you have a new girlfriend already?” or “Don’t be so picky!”.
Die Zeit: Mr. Hitzlsperger, you said earlier that you personally do not know any football player who told you he was a homosexual. But don’t players speculate about this in the dressing room with each other?
Hitzlsperger: Of course - even the football needs gossip and speculation. This may go like this: “I know someone who knows someone who says that so and so is gay.” Clearly there are also names mentioned - if the person is not there. In the presence of the player concerned, I have never experienced anything like that.
Die Zeit: Do you think that people talked about you like that when you were not in the dressing room?
Hitzlsperger: Only today I wonder about that. Did they talk about me when I was not in the dressing room? But that is history for me.
Die Zeit: Is it really already history for you?
Hitzlsperger: I realized early on that I have other interests than perhaps most of my colleagues. That was my image in the media: “likes to read” or “thinks a lot.” But there are few if any outward signs to me that would be “typical homosexual”. What’s even the point of: “typical homosexual”? Professional football is an absolutely tough competitive sport. Fight, passion and the will to win are inextricably tied together. That’s not the image that many people have of a homosexuals, namely: “Gays are wimps.”
Die Zeit: Did you ever fear to be considered “unmanly” in such an environment?
Hitzlsperger: Who thinks my performance on the field was “unmanly”, is beyond help. I was a tough chunk with an extremely hard shot. Not many have that. My nickname is “Hammer”. It’s pure nonsense that homosexuals are “unmanly”. You meet this prejudice again and again. Homosexuality and masculinity are not contradictory.
Die Zeit: How did people speak about gays in your presence?
Hitzlsperger: As absurd as this may seem in 2014: “gay” is still an widespread insult in football. It is even sometimes a “gay pass” after a poorly passed ball.
Die Zeit: Did you also use terms like “gay pass” yourself?
Hitzlsperger: I’ve certainly already said something like that. Unfortunately.
Die Zeit: Do sayings like that not articulate homophobia?
Hitzlsperger: Morbid Homophobia is a quite serious matter. There are also people who recognize homosexual tendencies in themselves and out of panic react downright aggressive and defensive. You can respond calmly to small disrespects. I leave the “hate-diagnosis” to the psychiatrists. But I have made an interesting experience: Even if someone knows my sexual orientation, they can still without hesitation and without thinking make a statement like: “That’s gay … well, you know what I mean.” The correct their own rehearsed prejudice already in the same sentence. That’s not bad, I think it’s rather funny.
Die Zeit: When do you no longer find it funny, but hurtful or threatening?
Hitzlsperger: During my active time as a professional at home and abroad, I made crass experiences. Many people have completely naive notions of homosexuality and make no secret of their rejection. There are silly sayings, silly jokes - which you have to take with a pinch of salt. The limit is the call for exclusion and violence.
Die Zeit: You experienced something like that?
Hitzlsperger: Yes, in the dressing room. I have seen it, even though I was not personally addressed.
Die Zeit: Can you describe that, please?
Hitzlsperger: I don’t want to do that.
Die Zeit: What has changed since you first thought about coming out and today, that made you talk about it openly and stop playing hide?
Hitzlsperger: Confession misses the point. I don’t go around and force my thoughts on other people. I just want help to lessen the exclusivity and thus the sharpness of the issue. The published and public opinion has become more relaxed and tolerant. And I myself see the whole thing more calmly now. And my family and my friends see it that way too. I am grateful for that. Admittedly, this was a lengthy and difficult process.
Die Zeit: Have you also thought about what would be the worst reaction to this interview for you?
Hitzlsperger: I did not speculate about that. The worst thing for sure would be if no one would read it. *laughs*
Die Zeit: What is the best case scenario? What reactions do you hope to get after this interview? Love letters without end?
Hitzlsperger: *laughs* Oh well, if it’s the right letter … No, seriously: I want to promote a public discussion - the discussion of homosexuality among professional athletes. I want to contribute as I speak publicly about it, that the sexual orientation of an athlete is his private affair again, because there is simply nothing unnatural about it.
Die Zeit: You waited till the end of your career before you expressed an opinion. Did you not want to jeopardize your career?
Hitzlsperger: I have definitely been thinking about it …
Die Zeit: And you didn’t dare?
Hitzlsperger: What has thinking to do with daring? Therefore you first have to talk with others about the result of your reflection. The most common reaction was: “Don’t say that out aloud! That will only result in problems!”
Die Zeit: So now you decided to not listen to their advice anymore?
Hitzlsperger: On the contrary! I listen patiently and thoughtfully to every sincere advice. But that does not necessarily mean that I follow every advice. And in my case, the thing is indeed simple: My homosexuality is no longer a secret.
Die Zeit: It’s always been signaled by the German Football Association that the DFB wants to deal very tolerantly with the issue, if a football player should want to come out. Have you spoken to someone from the DFB before the publication of this interview?
Hitzlsperger: Yes, I spoke with the national coach, Joachim Löw, and the manager of the national team, Oliver Bierhoff. After the five years I played for the national team, it was certainly proper to inform both.
Die Zeit: How did the two respond?
Hitzlsperger: They took note of it- of course in a positive way. And frankly, I expected nothing less. The Modern Football is not a habitat for people from yesterday and people with antiquated prejudices. This is encouraging for the boys who are now about to make the step into professional sports.