(no subject)
Directionless, Unfantastic
Life outside academia is a bitch. In school there are grades, metrics for determining ones performance. There are lesson plans, specifically chosen subjects and directed teaching - all one has to do is open a book and spend hours in study or research. Most things are directed - and learning, while requiring active participation, is done under a tremendous amount of direction with clear benchmarks along the way. I failed miserably during my first two years of schooling to get my ass in gear and finish the last two in near spectacular fashion. My GPA charts the courses of two very different people: the former lazy and embittered by an inflated ego, and the latter a more mature boy with a ruthless streak and a work ethic drenched in motivation.
It's been a year since I graduated and I feel like a spectre, a shadow of that former self. I used to be fiendishly busy - spending early morning to midnight either in classes, study or lab. My days were packed with activity, and each night I looked forward to sleep as the end to a formidably challenging day. These days that feeling has vanished leaving in its place a sense of emptiness that stagnates in my brain, a void where activity once was. Where I once felt powerful and full of energy, I feel listless and mediocre. Lack of managed direction has left me hollow.
Life, perhaps ironically, isn't like college. Life demands direction, management, zest that must come from within the self to push boundaries and excel. Living within the university framework made me, in hindsight, dependent on others to chart my way and feed me information. The real world offers little in this way. This is a bit unsettling - I now have to create my own projects and become more introspective, mapping my own progress and asking for help along the way. No one will tell me if I'm failing or exceeding expectations - there are none.
When the sun rises tomorrow I think I will find myself busy again, trying to find my own way.
***
In closing, readers, I give you Waltz in B Minor (for Ellaine) by Bill Evans - one of my favorites. Good night.
Life outside academia is a bitch. In school there are grades, metrics for determining ones performance. There are lesson plans, specifically chosen subjects and directed teaching - all one has to do is open a book and spend hours in study or research. Most things are directed - and learning, while requiring active participation, is done under a tremendous amount of direction with clear benchmarks along the way. I failed miserably during my first two years of schooling to get my ass in gear and finish the last two in near spectacular fashion. My GPA charts the courses of two very different people: the former lazy and embittered by an inflated ego, and the latter a more mature boy with a ruthless streak and a work ethic drenched in motivation.
It's been a year since I graduated and I feel like a spectre, a shadow of that former self. I used to be fiendishly busy - spending early morning to midnight either in classes, study or lab. My days were packed with activity, and each night I looked forward to sleep as the end to a formidably challenging day. These days that feeling has vanished leaving in its place a sense of emptiness that stagnates in my brain, a void where activity once was. Where I once felt powerful and full of energy, I feel listless and mediocre. Lack of managed direction has left me hollow.
Life, perhaps ironically, isn't like college. Life demands direction, management, zest that must come from within the self to push boundaries and excel. Living within the university framework made me, in hindsight, dependent on others to chart my way and feed me information. The real world offers little in this way. This is a bit unsettling - I now have to create my own projects and become more introspective, mapping my own progress and asking for help along the way. No one will tell me if I'm failing or exceeding expectations - there are none.
When the sun rises tomorrow I think I will find myself busy again, trying to find my own way.
***
In closing, readers, I give you Waltz in B Minor (for Ellaine) by Bill Evans - one of my favorites. Good night.