Emotional Train Wreck
I've been so damn emotional as of lately that I am at the point that I can't stand myself. My hormones are all fucked up...thank YOU, new birth control. I'm exhausted, and its Wednesday. So many feelings and thoughts have been swirling around in my head that its honestly a struggle to make it through the day.
I'm tired of struggling money-wise. It gets exhausting. I thought I was being SO good with my money lately so I went out and bought myself a bathing suit yesterday thinking I was in the clear and that I'm getting paid Friday so it'd be ok. ... NOT the case. I went to Panera and my card was decline. [Insert me feeling like a jackass here] Apparently I somehow completely forgot about the $50 deductible I had to pay to get my stupidass phone replaced. AND OF COURSE...my gas gage just went on in my car. This is at the point where I start to become REALLY stressed out. So of course, I'm going to go return the bathing suit so I have cash in my account. Hopefully the money is put back in there before any thing else is taken out of my account. I think it should be but I don't have that good of luck so I'm not holding my breath. I really need to be paid soon. The money problems have just added to the depressive state that I have been in as of recently. I've been pretty good at keeping those feelings at bay, but last night was a complete downer for me emotionally wise.
Last night I couldn't get over the fact that I have NO one in my life that looks like me. Being adopted is not something I've ever been sad about or ashamed of. I love my life dont get me wrong...I love my family and I love my birth mother for making the decision to give me the opportunity to live a good life here. I've always imagined my mother to look like me. So in that sense I've not been TOO curious. But I've always wondered if I had biological brothers/sisters/aunts/uncles/cousins. Its hard to accept that this is a part of myself that I will never know. This is a part of me that I will always have unanswered questions to.
I'm struggling a lot at the moment accepting the fact that I can not physically reach out and touch a person that has some of the same features that I have. You have NO idea what that feels like unless you've been in this situation. And for some reason it just really hit me hard last night at the waxing place with Lisa. Its never dawned on me like that before. Of course I've thought about it, but last night it hurt. And it hurt a lot.
I'm sure this is due to the OVER sensitive state that I've been in lately, but it still doesn't negate the hurt that punched me in the stomach last night and the left over feelings I'm struggling with today. I was trying to explain how I felt to Brian about this last night and I couldn't even get out my sentences because I was crying SO hard. Normally when I cry, its pretty light, but I would definitely say that I was at the point of sobbing last night. Each one was heartbreaking.
I'm tired of struggling money-wise. It gets exhausting. I thought I was being SO good with my money lately so I went out and bought myself a bathing suit yesterday thinking I was in the clear and that I'm getting paid Friday so it'd be ok. ... NOT the case. I went to Panera and my card was decline. [Insert me feeling like a jackass here] Apparently I somehow completely forgot about the $50 deductible I had to pay to get my stupidass phone replaced. AND OF COURSE...my gas gage just went on in my car. This is at the point where I start to become REALLY stressed out. So of course, I'm going to go return the bathing suit so I have cash in my account. Hopefully the money is put back in there before any thing else is taken out of my account. I think it should be but I don't have that good of luck so I'm not holding my breath. I really need to be paid soon. The money problems have just added to the depressive state that I have been in as of recently. I've been pretty good at keeping those feelings at bay, but last night was a complete downer for me emotionally wise.
Last night I couldn't get over the fact that I have NO one in my life that looks like me. Being adopted is not something I've ever been sad about or ashamed of. I love my life dont get me wrong...I love my family and I love my birth mother for making the decision to give me the opportunity to live a good life here. I've always imagined my mother to look like me. So in that sense I've not been TOO curious. But I've always wondered if I had biological brothers/sisters/aunts/uncles/cousins. Its hard to accept that this is a part of myself that I will never know. This is a part of me that I will always have unanswered questions to.
I'm struggling a lot at the moment accepting the fact that I can not physically reach out and touch a person that has some of the same features that I have. You have NO idea what that feels like unless you've been in this situation. And for some reason it just really hit me hard last night at the waxing place with Lisa. Its never dawned on me like that before. Of course I've thought about it, but last night it hurt. And it hurt a lot.
I'm sure this is due to the OVER sensitive state that I've been in lately, but it still doesn't negate the hurt that punched me in the stomach last night and the left over feelings I'm struggling with today. I was trying to explain how I felt to Brian about this last night and I couldn't even get out my sentences because I was crying SO hard. Normally when I cry, its pretty light, but I would definitely say that I was at the point of sobbing last night. Each one was heartbreaking.