(no subject)
I dont think I can deal with whats going on anymore... All I want is someone to talk to that isnt going to judge or give me shitty advice. I just want last summer. Although there were some fights between Sarah and I, I miss how things used to be. I want my friends and family to still be alive and I want corey and I to have a chance again. I miss him. But I must get over the first guy I ever fell for. I mean I guess I was lucky to have my chance right? Then why does it hurt so bad to know its over? I havent cried over it yet, I've had the urge multiple times now but I almost feel that if I cry than its definetley over. All I want is for summer when Corey and I used to stay on the phone all night than get up and hangout for the day even though we were so tired. I miss him so bad. But I gotta try to move on... And I try but then something reminds me of him and I just wanna die. Why is it that bad things clump together in evil terribile bubbles that get bigger and bigger until you eventually pop? I hate everything about senior year so far. Nothing has happend like it should. Instead i've had to deal with things like my shoulder, attendance warnings, break ups, work, friendships gone bad, people dying, I cant choose what to do next year and I dont want to anything just please someone. Seriously what else can possible happen? Am I going to die next? I just want a release. I would give up all my money if I could have a vacation from everyone and everything. I havent been this stressed out before, and I thinks its starting to make me depressed. I dont enjoy anything anymore. I dont look forward to anything, I dont even wanna try anything new. I honestlty just wanna crawl into bed and never get out again. What the fuck is wrong with me?? I'm never this way. Why can things get so hard at once? I wish I had some free time to deal with my problems, but I dont even have time for homework or sleep. I dont know what to do but if I dont deal with it all soon im gonna have a major melt down, that is if this isnt already having one. why is love such a necessary evil? ahhh... even my heart physically hurts. And any sleep that I have gotten, i've been waking up with nightmares every hour on the hour. It was so weird because when Corey and I started dating my nightmares pretty much went away and ever since we broke up there back. I cant sleep and I dont even want to. I just feel lost without him. And I know that sound rediculous to all of you reading this, but its so hard giving up something you've wanted for so bad and for so long. 6 years... And I keep resorting to negative things to help me deal. I miss being a good person. I hate who I am now. Weak and pathetic. I just wish I knew what was going on in my life, but I dont. I need time that is non existant. I need a break. Ahhh I dont know what to do, but I feel broken, Body, mind and soul.