Call Me, Please (Ch5)
The Reason
Beta by : _supa; on Season-of-mist
Yoochun’s house wasn’t far from Junsu’s apartment; it was only about 15 minutes from one place to another. Yoochun chose to live alone since he was 19 years old and worked so hard until he could buy this house.
Junsu and Changmin stood in front of the house, as they looked that the house was bright, a sign that Yoochun was home and still up, and even the night had already late.
Junsu eyed the house with such a hollow and a thrill that you could see dripping from the eyes of the lost lonely soul. Every movement of his whispered a love and a betrayal together as Changmin looked at him with worry.
“Hyung, what will you do?”
“Make revenge…” A short answer but genuine from the broken heart made the younger gasped.
“Hyung, you don’t really mean it, right?”
Junsu turned his head; eyes cold and bored to the fragile heart, made a silent whimpered that Changmin gulped into his throat.
“You know exactly what I mean, Minnie…” Junsu walked toward the apartment as the other suddenly gripped his wrist.
“Hyung, Stop…!” He looked at Junsu with full of frustration. The wandering hadn’t fun again, the sadness tainted the runaway. A piece of evil slipped into the pure joyful heart.
“Let me go…” The answer was calm while poison dripped into every word. Changmin refused to let go.
“Hyung, listen to me… If you do this, you may not come back to your body…”
“Then, I won’t…” Junsu snapped. Eyes too wide, face too calm, voice too angry, and heart too broken…
“The man who is the reason to my life is there…” He gritted his teeth and pointed toward the house.
“Probably happily call the girl, when he hasn’t even visited me, yet…”
“CAN’T YOU JUST GET OVER IT…?” The other had already shouted, a pure fear shown in every words at the shouting. Changmin was scared, pure scared, not only he was scared because of what Junsu might do, but also he was scared that Junsu might not come back to his body. He had loved his Hyung even with a brotherly way; he didn’t want his Hyung did something that he would regret.
“I CAN’T!!! IF I CAN, I HAD ALREADY OVERED IT…”
Another shooting echoed at the world of the souls, only they could hear it, only they could felt the lost lonely feeling of insecure and broken dreams.
“Listen to me, Hyung… If this bastard didn’t care for you, so what? Why can’t you just fucking move on and…?”
“Listen to me, Changmin…” Junsu darted a spicy glare, however Changmin didn’t bother about it. He countered with firm eyes that also demanding.
“You don’t know me… You don’t know what I feel…”
“I know, Hyung…”
Junsu snorted.
“You weren’t there when I was waiting for his call all nights and in all of the countless tears, you didn’t know…”
“And what if he didn’t call, why you didn’t just accept it, Hyung…”
“It my heart that hurts, you could just say to accept it…?” The voice of an argument had already hit a high pitch and almost slipped into another shout.
“It’s not about your heart, it is because you are still in love with him it’s also because of you who is a coward that couldn’t accept the fact that he didn’t love you anymore…!”
Before Changmin couldn’t realize, a fist was already blown into his face. Hard… It bumped his jaw, made him wince in pain as Junsu punched his jaw.
“SHUT UP…!”
The other fell at the cold ground, eyed hurt and worry at the same time.
“DON’T EVER TELL ME THAT I AM A COWARD…”
“YES, YOU ARE…!”
“AM NOT…!”
“YOU DIDN’T MOVE ON, AND CHOOSE TO HAUNT HIM AND MAKE REVENGE… ISN’T A COWARD ACTION?”
“SHUT UP…!” Junsu shouted as he covered his eardrums. Tears streamed widely as he closed his eyes and all he could see was Yoochun.
“He must pay for every little thing that he did to me…”
“Don’t do that, hyung… Please…”
“You don’t know, Minnie…” Eyes that previously glared, softened and melted until nothing butt a liquid of tears that streamed down the cheeks. Fragileness was resurfaced as Junsu stood but he couldn’t even feel the ground beneath him.
“You haven’t felt it. You haven’t felt to chase something that can’t you grasp in the end.”
“Hyung…” Changmin stood up as Junsu took a step backward from the younger lover.
“I hate him…”
Hate was such a strong word.
“I love him, which is why I hate him…”
The line between hate and love was as thin as string.
“He didn’t call me…”
What lover really seeks was a safe feeling from the other.
“He didn’t even visit me…”
It hurt like hell if someone that you loved never cared for you…
“Hyung…” Changmin walked forward to touch the other crying soul as the other stepped backward as he was afraid for a touch.
“I will kill him,” Junsu made a sudden move as he dashed toward the front door of the house and walked through it. The gasping Changmin widened his eyes in shock as he dashed too to stop the other soul for did something that he would regret at the end.
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You wanted him to disappear. You wanted to kill him. You wanted him to feel the same darkness that blanketed all over your body. You wanted him to writhing and dying.
You wanted nothing but cut him into pieces and buried them into the ground, far deep in the ground until you couldn’t see them again. Because even looked at his house was hurting you so deeply.
Too long you had shaken into this chaos of unsure ness and weary movement. Only wondered about the love he had for you. Was it real? Was it fake?
Were you special? Or you were like other persons in his life…?
You walked through all the doors until you saw the door to his bedroom. He must be there; sleeping might be, since you couldn’t see the light from the space under the door.
The pain came again…
You wanted to make he felt the same pain you were through. The pain that made you coward and closed your eyes, decide to run away from the real world.
“Hyung, stop it…!”
You heard Changmin right behind you, pulled your wrist before he punched you hard. You whimpered in pain as you fell down toward the floor and pulled him together with you as you fell.
“Let me go…” You hissed as you struggled from breaking free from the other grasped that pinned you down.
“Don’t do it, I will stop you…!”
“Let me go…” You struggled harder until you finally could stand up and walked. However your feet were held by the other soul like he was hanging his dear life into your feet. You didn’t bother about it. You just walked through the door as you dragged Changmin with you. A whimper escaped his throat but you couldn’t care about it.
Just to hurt him…
Just to kill him…
You walked through the door with Changmin, and the view behind it froze your heart.
Yoochun wasn’t sleeping. He was mourning.
You didn’t know how to explain it. Purely didn’t know.
Yoochun was sitting at chair behind the window; a room was nothing but darkness. However the illuminating moonlight made you could see his feature as clear as under the sunlight.
The beautiful body of his leaned at the frame of the window as he looked so broken and so lost. Fragile and sadness that you hadn’t seen in his was oozed from every pores of his body. It was like a silent yowl that he kept. It was like he was yielding about life as his hand clutched the phone so tightly.
Tears were streaming down in his face. And under the moonlight you could slightly see but surely that his previous neat room was a mess. A chao with a maze of trapped darkness. He didn’t bother by it and your heart wrenched at the sight of the mess that reflected his heart.
He hummed a tone that you could recognize as your favorite song. A sweet melody of lullaby that you really, really like until you hummed it again and again. You heard it and you thought that it was so beautiful, because of Yoochun was the one who hummed it. The sweet enchanting tones etched deep inside your soul until it hitched your breath because of the amount of the sadness that tainted the sweet clear original feeling of the song.
Then he eyed the phone, bored deep and wrestled with the blurring tears he pressed the number with a snail pace but sureness tainted it.
You felt your heart hurt. Thousand times more hurt than before as you saw the broken man in front of you. The one you could see as a firm and calm Casanova was wrestling with such an agony. The one you always saw as a calming and greasy man that always could make you and the rest of the world stuttered easily was nothing but the broken hearted man who sobbed his heart out.
The youth beauty that tainted in his face was nowhere to seen as the frustration replaced it. You could almost heart the beat of his echoing heart that filled with sorrow. The eyelashes that bathed down the brown burrow of the broken lines showed you more than that.
He punched every numbers and finally he put he phone in his ears. Lips were still mumbling as he hummed the same song over and over again. The notes were slowly become sick in your brain because it was nothing like the happy melody that you usually heard from your mouth. It filled with something that broken and couldn’t be retracted again.
You gasped. The sight was too much for you too handle. The beautiful fallen angel that wounded in front of you was too much to bear. It was like a declivity from your heart. You went down and couldn’t get up again into the hole of sadness in the other one. It was like a deception that tricked both of your and his hearts.
The phone, couldn’t it be?
You turned your body and dashed from the house, from the room as fast as you could. The winding and the blur didn’t bother you again. All you could feel and all you could see was his tears. All you could taste in your tongue was his bitterness as the melody that he hummed was resonating deep into your very brain.
You finally reached it, your own apartment. You walked through the door slowly and you could hear the faintly voice of the phone.
The phone was ringing and a cheery voice mail was heard. He clearly did that again and again.
You walked to your phone that was still in the floor in your room. It was still the same with the night you waited for his call. At the night you waited him, it wasn’t ringing. But now, it was…
*Pip* Hey, this is Junsu… *Giggle* I can’t answer your phone, now… Call me back later… okay *Pip*
You covered your mouth as you gasped when you heard his voice toward the phone for leaving a message for you.
“Junsu… I miss you… I miss you so dearly…”
And then it rung again and a voice mail gain and he left a message again for you…
“Junsu, I’m sorry… I’m sorry….”
“Junsu, it’s funny that I have never called you before and now, I hope so dearly that you answer my phone even I know you are in the hospital…”
He knew about your accident…
Another message…
“Junsu, I love you… Junsu... Please come back, baby…”
Tears streamed down your cheek as you fell to the floor. Body was too tired from everything that happened.
“Junsu… *sob* Please don’t die… *sob* I love you… I’m sorry *sob* don’t leave me…”
[“I was the one who called him. He hadn’t ever called me… He won’t call me, even for once.”]
“I’m sorry, Junsu… I want to call you, I swear… However when I pick the telephone, I don’t know what to do, Junsu. I have never felt this way before. I even didn’t know how to press your number. I was so nervous; I haven’t called anyone before in my relationship. They were the one who chased after me and called me. But, it was you. And I really don’t know what to do with you… You make me lost my thought…”
That was the reason why he hadn’t ever called you. He didn’t know how to… Because you were the first person that he was really in love with Sometimes you felt like that with him too.
[“I gave him the last chance, before I ended this hurtful relationship… To call me…”]
“Junsu, when you threatened me to end this relationship if I’m not calling you. I’m dying. I know you are hurting because of me… And I aware of that… hat was why I choose to not to call you, if you just hurt because of me…”
That was why he didn’t call you the night you waited for it. He was eaten by the guiltiness and confuse because of love. It must be hard for him to do that.
[“So I broke up with him…”]
“When you asked me to over our relationship, you didn’t know that I’m hurting so bad because of that. I really want to kill myself because I know I’m hurting you… Junsu…
That was why he agreeing with you for a break up… He wanted nothing but happiness even he was hurting because of the action.
[“He even didn’t visit me. At least he would visit me…”]
“I want to visit you so badly… I want to hold you so badly… But, you want a break up with me… You must hate me, right? That was why I don’t show up at the hospital, because I fear that it makes you don’t want to wake up again. I don’t want you to sleep forever… I want you to laugh and smile and dance happily.”
That was why he didn’t visit you… That was why he didn’t come to you even you waited or him, it was because he feared that you would reject him.
[“I just want to know, if he still cared for me. I just wanted to see…”]
“I date Yoona to move on from you... But I couldn’t., Junsu… I couldn’t, all I see and all I feel is you… I must be crazy…”
[“He hasn’t loved me since the beginning. I always the one that told him that I loved him, he hadn’t ever told me”]
“I love you… Junsu...I love you. Please… Come back to me… Please…” The words were uttered with a great weight of sadness that occupied every tones of the desperateness. The sculpted sorrow could be heard in every letter that spoken so desperately.
He was practically begging for you. He was really dumping his pride just to tell you to come back with him.
He cared for you…
He loved you…
And you doubt that… It was your fault to doubt him at the first place and even at that moment you wanted to kill him and hurt him even more. You were so selfish… All too selfish... Until you couldn't see what was behind his smile and his laugh. You felt you were the one that always broken and you didn’t think about his feeling.
Your heart splattered, broken and mixed into chaos.
“Yoochun… I’m sorry...” You whisper to yourself.
“Was that what you want to see, Hyung...?” You heard a sound and turned your head. Changmin was standing there and eyeing you with an indescribable feeling written in his face.
“You want to see him like that, right?”
You shook your head and hoped Changmin stopped it, However he didn’t. You knew Changmin wanted to shake the truth into your dumb head, bit it hurt like hell to know the truth.
“Yes, you want to see him hurts like you, right?”
You eyed the telephone. It was another message but all you could hear what the sound of his sobbing and sniffs. He was crying at the phone. He cried because he knew that he and you were over. He cried because he knew that you couldn’t answer the telephone. He sobbed his each of tears because he feared that he wouldn’t ever see you again. You knew it… You could read it from every sobs that was heard through the phone.
“Was that what you want to see? He cries his heart out and calls your name like crazy and calls you even he knows that you won’t answer it because of he misses you so bad?”
“No…”You mumbled weakly.
You didn’t want the tears that tainted the cheeks that you loved to peck. You didn’t want to see the tainted darkness at the warm pool those were his orbs. You didn’t want the sorrow evaporated in his body. You didn’t to see him anything but happy.
“You want to see him like that, right? Mourning for your lost for you to make you know that he loves you..."
You didn’t want it.
“What was the thing that your heart truly wants to see, Hyung? Tell me… Tell him…”
You didn’t want him like that. All broken in the dark bedroom, called and whispered your name like a magic words and called you out of the desperateness. You wanted to see the smile in his lips. You wanted to see him laugh at the beautiful day and night. You wanted him to happy. You wanted to see the fairy dust of the enchanting beauty if he smiled at you under the beautiful sunshine like you saw him for the first time.
The tale of your doubt made you both got hurt. It was the insanities that ate you both alive.
Love must be enough to pass all the insecurities, but you doubt it.
You wanted him to be happy.
Because his happiness meant a world for you…
And his tears hurt you more, even more than your broken heart.
You didn’t want this.
Changmin walked closer to you and crouched before whispered something to your ears.
“What is the thing that you truly want, Hyung…? Be honest with yourself… Don’t runaway… Come back to him… Be alive and come back to him.”
And you knew there was nothing greater than the younger soul's words which tell the truth to you. The truth that you were hurting too, because of he was hurting and the pain was greater than anything.
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As long as you smile,
I could give all of my soul to the devil…
As long as I see the beautiful rainbow in your face.
Even it was costing me my life…
However I guess it will be okay…
Yes, it will be okay…
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.
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Beta by : _supa; on Season-of-mist
Yoochun’s house wasn’t far from Junsu’s apartment; it was only about 15 minutes from one place to another. Yoochun chose to live alone since he was 19 years old and worked so hard until he could buy this house.
Junsu and Changmin stood in front of the house, as they looked that the house was bright, a sign that Yoochun was home and still up, and even the night had already late.
Junsu eyed the house with such a hollow and a thrill that you could see dripping from the eyes of the lost lonely soul. Every movement of his whispered a love and a betrayal together as Changmin looked at him with worry.
“Hyung, what will you do?”
“Make revenge…” A short answer but genuine from the broken heart made the younger gasped.
“Hyung, you don’t really mean it, right?”
Junsu turned his head; eyes cold and bored to the fragile heart, made a silent whimpered that Changmin gulped into his throat.
“You know exactly what I mean, Minnie…” Junsu walked toward the apartment as the other suddenly gripped his wrist.
“Hyung, Stop…!” He looked at Junsu with full of frustration. The wandering hadn’t fun again, the sadness tainted the runaway. A piece of evil slipped into the pure joyful heart.
“Let me go…” The answer was calm while poison dripped into every word. Changmin refused to let go.
“Hyung, listen to me… If you do this, you may not come back to your body…”
“Then, I won’t…” Junsu snapped. Eyes too wide, face too calm, voice too angry, and heart too broken…
“The man who is the reason to my life is there…” He gritted his teeth and pointed toward the house.
“Probably happily call the girl, when he hasn’t even visited me, yet…”
“CAN’T YOU JUST GET OVER IT…?” The other had already shouted, a pure fear shown in every words at the shouting. Changmin was scared, pure scared, not only he was scared because of what Junsu might do, but also he was scared that Junsu might not come back to his body. He had loved his Hyung even with a brotherly way; he didn’t want his Hyung did something that he would regret.
“I CAN’T!!! IF I CAN, I HAD ALREADY OVERED IT…”
Another shooting echoed at the world of the souls, only they could hear it, only they could felt the lost lonely feeling of insecure and broken dreams.
“Listen to me, Hyung… If this bastard didn’t care for you, so what? Why can’t you just fucking move on and…?”
“Listen to me, Changmin…” Junsu darted a spicy glare, however Changmin didn’t bother about it. He countered with firm eyes that also demanding.
“You don’t know me… You don’t know what I feel…”
“I know, Hyung…”
Junsu snorted.
“You weren’t there when I was waiting for his call all nights and in all of the countless tears, you didn’t know…”
“And what if he didn’t call, why you didn’t just accept it, Hyung…”
“It my heart that hurts, you could just say to accept it…?” The voice of an argument had already hit a high pitch and almost slipped into another shout.
“It’s not about your heart, it is because you are still in love with him it’s also because of you who is a coward that couldn’t accept the fact that he didn’t love you anymore…!”
Before Changmin couldn’t realize, a fist was already blown into his face. Hard… It bumped his jaw, made him wince in pain as Junsu punched his jaw.
“SHUT UP…!”
The other fell at the cold ground, eyed hurt and worry at the same time.
“DON’T EVER TELL ME THAT I AM A COWARD…”
“YES, YOU ARE…!”
“AM NOT…!”
“YOU DIDN’T MOVE ON, AND CHOOSE TO HAUNT HIM AND MAKE REVENGE… ISN’T A COWARD ACTION?”
“SHUT UP…!” Junsu shouted as he covered his eardrums. Tears streamed widely as he closed his eyes and all he could see was Yoochun.
“He must pay for every little thing that he did to me…”
“Don’t do that, hyung… Please…”
“You don’t know, Minnie…” Eyes that previously glared, softened and melted until nothing butt a liquid of tears that streamed down the cheeks. Fragileness was resurfaced as Junsu stood but he couldn’t even feel the ground beneath him.
“You haven’t felt it. You haven’t felt to chase something that can’t you grasp in the end.”
“Hyung…” Changmin stood up as Junsu took a step backward from the younger lover.
“I hate him…”
Hate was such a strong word.
“I love him, which is why I hate him…”
The line between hate and love was as thin as string.
“He didn’t call me…”
What lover really seeks was a safe feeling from the other.
“He didn’t even visit me…”
It hurt like hell if someone that you loved never cared for you…
“Hyung…” Changmin walked forward to touch the other crying soul as the other stepped backward as he was afraid for a touch.
“I will kill him,” Junsu made a sudden move as he dashed toward the front door of the house and walked through it. The gasping Changmin widened his eyes in shock as he dashed too to stop the other soul for did something that he would regret at the end.
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You wanted him to disappear. You wanted to kill him. You wanted him to feel the same darkness that blanketed all over your body. You wanted him to writhing and dying.
You wanted nothing but cut him into pieces and buried them into the ground, far deep in the ground until you couldn’t see them again. Because even looked at his house was hurting you so deeply.
Too long you had shaken into this chaos of unsure ness and weary movement. Only wondered about the love he had for you. Was it real? Was it fake?
Were you special? Or you were like other persons in his life…?
You walked through all the doors until you saw the door to his bedroom. He must be there; sleeping might be, since you couldn’t see the light from the space under the door.
The pain came again…
You wanted to make he felt the same pain you were through. The pain that made you coward and closed your eyes, decide to run away from the real world.
“Hyung, stop it…!”
You heard Changmin right behind you, pulled your wrist before he punched you hard. You whimpered in pain as you fell down toward the floor and pulled him together with you as you fell.
“Let me go…” You hissed as you struggled from breaking free from the other grasped that pinned you down.
“Don’t do it, I will stop you…!”
“Let me go…” You struggled harder until you finally could stand up and walked. However your feet were held by the other soul like he was hanging his dear life into your feet. You didn’t bother about it. You just walked through the door as you dragged Changmin with you. A whimper escaped his throat but you couldn’t care about it.
Just to hurt him…
Just to kill him…
You walked through the door with Changmin, and the view behind it froze your heart.
Yoochun wasn’t sleeping. He was mourning.
You didn’t know how to explain it. Purely didn’t know.
Yoochun was sitting at chair behind the window; a room was nothing but darkness. However the illuminating moonlight made you could see his feature as clear as under the sunlight.
The beautiful body of his leaned at the frame of the window as he looked so broken and so lost. Fragile and sadness that you hadn’t seen in his was oozed from every pores of his body. It was like a silent yowl that he kept. It was like he was yielding about life as his hand clutched the phone so tightly.
Tears were streaming down in his face. And under the moonlight you could slightly see but surely that his previous neat room was a mess. A chao with a maze of trapped darkness. He didn’t bother by it and your heart wrenched at the sight of the mess that reflected his heart.
He hummed a tone that you could recognize as your favorite song. A sweet melody of lullaby that you really, really like until you hummed it again and again. You heard it and you thought that it was so beautiful, because of Yoochun was the one who hummed it. The sweet enchanting tones etched deep inside your soul until it hitched your breath because of the amount of the sadness that tainted the sweet clear original feeling of the song.
Then he eyed the phone, bored deep and wrestled with the blurring tears he pressed the number with a snail pace but sureness tainted it.
You felt your heart hurt. Thousand times more hurt than before as you saw the broken man in front of you. The one you could see as a firm and calm Casanova was wrestling with such an agony. The one you always saw as a calming and greasy man that always could make you and the rest of the world stuttered easily was nothing but the broken hearted man who sobbed his heart out.
The youth beauty that tainted in his face was nowhere to seen as the frustration replaced it. You could almost heart the beat of his echoing heart that filled with sorrow. The eyelashes that bathed down the brown burrow of the broken lines showed you more than that.
He punched every numbers and finally he put he phone in his ears. Lips were still mumbling as he hummed the same song over and over again. The notes were slowly become sick in your brain because it was nothing like the happy melody that you usually heard from your mouth. It filled with something that broken and couldn’t be retracted again.
You gasped. The sight was too much for you too handle. The beautiful fallen angel that wounded in front of you was too much to bear. It was like a declivity from your heart. You went down and couldn’t get up again into the hole of sadness in the other one. It was like a deception that tricked both of your and his hearts.
The phone, couldn’t it be?
You turned your body and dashed from the house, from the room as fast as you could. The winding and the blur didn’t bother you again. All you could feel and all you could see was his tears. All you could taste in your tongue was his bitterness as the melody that he hummed was resonating deep into your very brain.
You finally reached it, your own apartment. You walked through the door slowly and you could hear the faintly voice of the phone.
The phone was ringing and a cheery voice mail was heard. He clearly did that again and again.
You walked to your phone that was still in the floor in your room. It was still the same with the night you waited for his call. At the night you waited him, it wasn’t ringing. But now, it was…
*Pip* Hey, this is Junsu… *Giggle* I can’t answer your phone, now… Call me back later… okay *Pip*
You covered your mouth as you gasped when you heard his voice toward the phone for leaving a message for you.
“Junsu… I miss you… I miss you so dearly…”
And then it rung again and a voice mail gain and he left a message again for you…
“Junsu, I’m sorry… I’m sorry….”
“Junsu, it’s funny that I have never called you before and now, I hope so dearly that you answer my phone even I know you are in the hospital…”
He knew about your accident…
Another message…
“Junsu, I love you… Junsu... Please come back, baby…”
Tears streamed down your cheek as you fell to the floor. Body was too tired from everything that happened.
“Junsu… *sob* Please don’t die… *sob* I love you… I’m sorry *sob* don’t leave me…”
[“I was the one who called him. He hadn’t ever called me… He won’t call me, even for once.”]
“I’m sorry, Junsu… I want to call you, I swear… However when I pick the telephone, I don’t know what to do, Junsu. I have never felt this way before. I even didn’t know how to press your number. I was so nervous; I haven’t called anyone before in my relationship. They were the one who chased after me and called me. But, it was you. And I really don’t know what to do with you… You make me lost my thought…”
That was the reason why he hadn’t ever called you. He didn’t know how to… Because you were the first person that he was really in love with Sometimes you felt like that with him too.
[“I gave him the last chance, before I ended this hurtful relationship… To call me…”]
“Junsu, when you threatened me to end this relationship if I’m not calling you. I’m dying. I know you are hurting because of me… And I aware of that… hat was why I choose to not to call you, if you just hurt because of me…”
That was why he didn’t call you the night you waited for it. He was eaten by the guiltiness and confuse because of love. It must be hard for him to do that.
[“So I broke up with him…”]
“When you asked me to over our relationship, you didn’t know that I’m hurting so bad because of that. I really want to kill myself because I know I’m hurting you… Junsu…
That was why he agreeing with you for a break up… He wanted nothing but happiness even he was hurting because of the action.
[“He even didn’t visit me. At least he would visit me…”]
“I want to visit you so badly… I want to hold you so badly… But, you want a break up with me… You must hate me, right? That was why I don’t show up at the hospital, because I fear that it makes you don’t want to wake up again. I don’t want you to sleep forever… I want you to laugh and smile and dance happily.”
That was why he didn’t visit you… That was why he didn’t come to you even you waited or him, it was because he feared that you would reject him.
[“I just want to know, if he still cared for me. I just wanted to see…”]
“I date Yoona to move on from you... But I couldn’t., Junsu… I couldn’t, all I see and all I feel is you… I must be crazy…”
[“He hasn’t loved me since the beginning. I always the one that told him that I loved him, he hadn’t ever told me”]
“I love you… Junsu...I love you. Please… Come back to me… Please…” The words were uttered with a great weight of sadness that occupied every tones of the desperateness. The sculpted sorrow could be heard in every letter that spoken so desperately.
He was practically begging for you. He was really dumping his pride just to tell you to come back with him.
He cared for you…
He loved you…
And you doubt that… It was your fault to doubt him at the first place and even at that moment you wanted to kill him and hurt him even more. You were so selfish… All too selfish... Until you couldn't see what was behind his smile and his laugh. You felt you were the one that always broken and you didn’t think about his feeling.
Your heart splattered, broken and mixed into chaos.
“Yoochun… I’m sorry...” You whisper to yourself.
“Was that what you want to see, Hyung...?” You heard a sound and turned your head. Changmin was standing there and eyeing you with an indescribable feeling written in his face.
“You want to see him like that, right?”
You shook your head and hoped Changmin stopped it, However he didn’t. You knew Changmin wanted to shake the truth into your dumb head, bit it hurt like hell to know the truth.
“Yes, you want to see him hurts like you, right?”
You eyed the telephone. It was another message but all you could hear what the sound of his sobbing and sniffs. He was crying at the phone. He cried because he knew that he and you were over. He cried because he knew that you couldn’t answer the telephone. He sobbed his each of tears because he feared that he wouldn’t ever see you again. You knew it… You could read it from every sobs that was heard through the phone.
“Was that what you want to see? He cries his heart out and calls your name like crazy and calls you even he knows that you won’t answer it because of he misses you so bad?”
“No…”You mumbled weakly.
You didn’t want the tears that tainted the cheeks that you loved to peck. You didn’t want to see the tainted darkness at the warm pool those were his orbs. You didn’t want the sorrow evaporated in his body. You didn’t to see him anything but happy.
“You want to see him like that, right? Mourning for your lost for you to make you know that he loves you..."
You didn’t want it.
“What was the thing that your heart truly wants to see, Hyung? Tell me… Tell him…”
You didn’t want him like that. All broken in the dark bedroom, called and whispered your name like a magic words and called you out of the desperateness. You wanted to see the smile in his lips. You wanted to see him laugh at the beautiful day and night. You wanted him to happy. You wanted to see the fairy dust of the enchanting beauty if he smiled at you under the beautiful sunshine like you saw him for the first time.
The tale of your doubt made you both got hurt. It was the insanities that ate you both alive.
Love must be enough to pass all the insecurities, but you doubt it.
You wanted him to be happy.
Because his happiness meant a world for you…
And his tears hurt you more, even more than your broken heart.
You didn’t want this.
Changmin walked closer to you and crouched before whispered something to your ears.
“What is the thing that you truly want, Hyung…? Be honest with yourself… Don’t runaway… Come back to him… Be alive and come back to him.”
And you knew there was nothing greater than the younger soul's words which tell the truth to you. The truth that you were hurting too, because of he was hurting and the pain was greater than anything.
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As long as you smile,
I could give all of my soul to the devil…
As long as I see the beautiful rainbow in your face.
Even it was costing me my life…
However I guess it will be okay…
Yes, it will be okay…
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