(no subject)
things feel so huge and big-picture tonight.
i find myself telling everyone about the schizophrenia site i came across (edit: on this site, you watch a little slideshow with sound that simulates what it's like to be schizophrenic). i think i've been losing sleep over it, indirectly. i don't know why even; i know that i have little mindless worries that someday it will be me and i'll have to live like that, but that's not what's bothering me.
i think what is... is that it's absoluetly beyond me the things that a brain can do. i mean, i've always had that question i pose to people... "if we are so open-minded and infinately intelligent, why is it that we cannot imagine new colours?" there's science and things to that, light and our eyes and so on, but asking that has always made me feel so finite.
a very old friend said to me tonight "sometimes things seem so predictable. like there is really only a certain number of possibilities - turn-outs."
it made me think of "chose your own adventure" books. you can only chose page 12 or page 57 or page 186. and as much as you want to believe this is -your- adventure, someone else tread the same path before you. someone else read that book the same way you did.
i remember i always used to make little markers for each page with a "choice". i could always go back, following my breadcrumbs.
usually i think that on days like this i need someone to take care of me; i -need-. i am needy, and it feels like that is the only way to feel better. i'm glad to be proven wrong. tonight i got to be needed, the one someone else could call when they -need-.
i don't think i've ever been so thankful for being that person. when people come to you for advice, when they want you to listen, when they seek -you- for their comfort and catharsis...
i've really found my own happiness in that.
and today i remembered your yellow couch. it was a strange train of thoughts that started with a wal-mart commercial on tv, but that fucking couch won't leave my mind. i feel like it's a symbol for something, it's representing... something.
i just cannot figure out what.
i find myself telling everyone about the schizophrenia site i came across (edit: on this site, you watch a little slideshow with sound that simulates what it's like to be schizophrenic). i think i've been losing sleep over it, indirectly. i don't know why even; i know that i have little mindless worries that someday it will be me and i'll have to live like that, but that's not what's bothering me.
i think what is... is that it's absoluetly beyond me the things that a brain can do. i mean, i've always had that question i pose to people... "if we are so open-minded and infinately intelligent, why is it that we cannot imagine new colours?" there's science and things to that, light and our eyes and so on, but asking that has always made me feel so finite.
a very old friend said to me tonight "sometimes things seem so predictable. like there is really only a certain number of possibilities - turn-outs."
it made me think of "chose your own adventure" books. you can only chose page 12 or page 57 or page 186. and as much as you want to believe this is -your- adventure, someone else tread the same path before you. someone else read that book the same way you did.
i remember i always used to make little markers for each page with a "choice". i could always go back, following my breadcrumbs.
usually i think that on days like this i need someone to take care of me; i -need-. i am needy, and it feels like that is the only way to feel better. i'm glad to be proven wrong. tonight i got to be needed, the one someone else could call when they -need-.
i don't think i've ever been so thankful for being that person. when people come to you for advice, when they want you to listen, when they seek -you- for their comfort and catharsis...
i've really found my own happiness in that.
and today i remembered your yellow couch. it was a strange train of thoughts that started with a wal-mart commercial on tv, but that fucking couch won't leave my mind. i feel like it's a symbol for something, it's representing... something.
i just cannot figure out what.