(no subject)
Its hard for me to comprehend that in such a short time I've realized that Im going to miss my best friends more then peanut butter misses jelly on toast or something like that. With Srrr gone and Al gone and Maya and Megan Always working and with Andre pretending he works all the time (lol) and Hell with mySelf ALWAYS working I dont see anyone barely.
And it hit me hard last night as I was drivinb by Nottingham and Stienert just thinking about everyone I knew who would be graduating and I almost started to cry. I havent seen half of those kids in like 4 years and yet I still remember them but I guarentee many if not most wouldnt remember me. Is it gonna be like that once I leave for Florida? Are all of my best friend going to forget about me? Its a scary thought. Am I going to come back for Christmas break and not have anyone to chill with!?!?!
Le Sigh. Scary thought.
But on the opposite note I think it finally hit me last night that I dont need certain other people. I dont want them running my life anymore. I dont want everything I do to revolve around what they think, what they say, what they do or would do. I just dont want that. NOT COOL. I want to be able to live out my summer and DO everything that I want TO do whether HE or SHE or IT likes it or not!!
I want to stop acting on impulse and I was to start acting on desire on passion on that feeling in my gut that tells me this is what you want to do. I want to stop holding back and start being free. I want that sunshine state spirit in me to sparkle. I want it to glow and make my tan even darker. I want everyone around me to notice the difference that for once in 3 years im doing what the hell i want to do and not a damn soul can stop me.
For the first time in 3 years, I am going to say it "FUCK YOU" and when you call me when YOU need ME, Im gonna put the phone down and walk away and pretend that I dont hear your crys. Pretend like you arent my friend. Pretend like I dont know you like the back of my head. No im going to turn my head and look the other way and find some asshole to take up my time. And when you ask me what is going on. I'll look you straight in the eye and say
"isnt this how im suppose to treat my BEST FRIEND?"
o well now I just wish that i could know what to say to make my friend happy. To make it all work out but not make it weird. To make things special but not crazy. To clear up whatever it is that is goin on between us. If there is anything going on between us........le sigh
I think im going to go take a shower and call my Yang or maybe ill holler at one of you ;-)