(no subject)
my dad was in such a good mood this morning. singing in the shower and everything. and then the insurance company called to say i didnt have insurance anymore and he flipped. not at me in particular. i guess more at my mom, they weret fighting..he was just in a nasty mood. because of me. because im too much of a fuckin pussy ass loser to get my life together. i cant wake up in the morning, cant even keep commitments with my friends. can't pass school, can't find a job. can't bring myself to do any of it. i have everything handed to me on a plate and i just throw it away because it doesnt make me happy. the one thing that makes me happy isn't good enough. isn't acceptable. is a waste of everything. it got me in the place i am today. and i wouldn't take it back for a second. i just wish i could accept the good with the bad. i wish i could do what i needed to do in order to continue to live the life i love. but with the high it brings, im so scared of going back to the lows i once experienced. so i avoid. and get nowhere accept right where i started... absolutely miserable. at least back then it wasn't my fault i guess. i had sympathy and understanding. now it's just a burden. i don't know what to do.