(no subject)
i did pretty well today!! i had chicken fajitas from TGIFriday's and a Grande Skinny Latte (only 130 calories). i'm nt sure how many cals the fajitas are but i'm hoping it's under 370. unlikely i suppose. either way, i'm happier with myself for not eating ANYWHERE NEAR AS MUCH as i have been. that would have been my snack yesterday. fucking disgusting. a few weeks back i was reading in a magazine about like what fat people ate before they got skinny and it was like 8,000 cals a day or something and it was like 8 cookies for dinner... im like i eat 8 cookies for dinner on top of like 2 sandwiches and everything else in sight. it's a miracle i don't weigh 300 pounds.. but if i don't cut it out now, i'll end up like that. i need not jiggle when i walk. i need to be toned. i need to be thin and have my bones sticking through so that i look so fragile people just want to hold me and make me better. i will do even better tomorrow because it's a busy day. i signed up for a class, it sounds pretty cool. it's about music in the 1970's so i'm kind of stoked about that. also kind of nervous, u know... what if i fuck it up? plus i hate not knowing people, where do i sit when i walk in the room? blah i'm taking what my friend said to me today as advice, just fake confidence and you'll get by. i'll do my best. it's hard to be confident when you're a fat ass. but anyways, i'll be in the city (LOTS OF WALKING!!!) and won't have much time to eat at all... my goal is to drink a sugar free redbull before class and then have some 100 cal soup when i get home for a total of 105 cals all day. i hope it goes well, because knowing myself if it's bad, i'll stuff my face for comfort. i vow now that if i do that, i'm purging. things will only get worse if you keep putting on weight.
so my dad tells me today that we're gonna be moving in the next 2 months. we'll still have this house so if i want to stay here i can, but why would i want to stay here? id rather be in the city, especially with my ONE class. i need a job so badly, and now it's even harder... it's like i found a good job in the city, but i cant apply unless i officially live there... and i CANNOT wait around for 2 more months. i am in so much debt, i don't answer my CELL phone anymore because they won't stop calling. so do i get a job here, and say fuck the city job... do i keep looking in the city and wait to apply there later? UGGGGHH why does my family make these things so much harder for me? or am i just making excuses? i don't know... it's not like i can even find anything remotely interesting... i'm just so lost as to go about this job finding process. i wish someone would help me out, tell me what to do, where to look, what kind of job to even look for! i'm just so confuseddddd.
so my dad tells me today that we're gonna be moving in the next 2 months. we'll still have this house so if i want to stay here i can, but why would i want to stay here? id rather be in the city, especially with my ONE class. i need a job so badly, and now it's even harder... it's like i found a good job in the city, but i cant apply unless i officially live there... and i CANNOT wait around for 2 more months. i am in so much debt, i don't answer my CELL phone anymore because they won't stop calling. so do i get a job here, and say fuck the city job... do i keep looking in the city and wait to apply there later? UGGGGHH why does my family make these things so much harder for me? or am i just making excuses? i don't know... it's not like i can even find anything remotely interesting... i'm just so lost as to go about this job finding process. i wish someone would help me out, tell me what to do, where to look, what kind of job to even look for! i'm just so confuseddddd.