Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion

[onlyhesatisfies]

My life is so jambled. My grandma is staying w/ us because she is too sick to stay by herself and so she is refusing to stay at home alone. (This is like one of those bomb drops that happens over night.) My dad isn't doing so well either. He went yesterday to check on his back and it turns out he has arthritis in his lower spine, and earlier this morning he went to go in and have further tests done. I really hope it is nothing serious. I don't know what i'd do if something happened to him. He's really all i have up here that resembles any love.
I think i'm close to loosing it...

I want to ..
Have a best friend.
Be able to talk about things and not care what ppl think.
Be Disciplined
Have Comfort
Have someone care so deeply they can see my pain through my smile.
Be beautiful
Be joyous, even through my valleys
Be Loved

I hate...
My laziness
My situations
Satan
Rebirth times
Being broken
My stupidity
Not being able to talk to anybody. Not b/c they don't care, b/c most do.. even though some don't., but b/c it's so different and unreal

Thought I belonged
But I know I don't....
Thought I had love
But it is not enough
This pain inside is speaking for me
How could I feel like this
So Aimless

I just want to break this.. this state of mind, state of being. Will i ever belong? Will i ever find love- Love that surpasses pride?
I'll keep holding on to what's inside, through these lonely times, and over my self, and my pride.