He was a hardheaded man. He was brutally handsome...and she was terminally pretty.
Last night i said "goodbye" to Justin. He leaves for London on saturday, to arrive on sunday.
It was nice. We had coffee... and took a car ride. We went for a walk... and sat and talked. We didn't talk about the situation at hand though.... he just told me about grad.. and his friends.. and his summer....how he felt about leaving for school. How he's scared... but more excited. That it really hasn't sunk in that he's leaving here forever. well... he's coming back to visit... but after the next 4 years of school... he plans to move away. So in reality... it is forever.
Somewhere around 10:10 pm i said to him:
"Do you realise that this is the last 20 minutes you'll spend with me...ever?"
and i think i kinda hit something when i siad that.... His expression changed.. it was like it'd punched him.. and it actually hurt. I wasn't trying to hurt him... I think i just needed to hear it out loud so that it would sink in for me too. Though... its true i wanted to know it mattered to him too...
he nodded.... and said "yeah".
We stared at eachother for awhile.. and smiled... and didn't smile... and then:
"Does it feel like you hsould have something to say? Because i feel like i should say something... but there's really nothing to say?"
"Well.. yeah. I don't want to make it seem like i've dwelled on it or anything... but i did think about it pretty hard. I came up with nothing."
"Its because there's nothing you can say..."
"Oh no.. there's plenty i COULD say... i don't think there's anything i SHOULD say."
"pft. I guess but... you shouldn't.........
I'm glad i'm leaving on a good note...."
"what do you mean?"
"You know what i mean... This could have gone badly..."
"No. It really couldn't have...
...are you okay?"
"I am. I'm finally okay."
"what does that mean?"
*shrug*
"Ok.. i know..."
*nods*
*I'm happy that you're good"
"Thanks..."
He took me home... and met me at the right headlight, and i asked if he was going to walk me to my door. he nodded.
I put my purse down on the step and climed to the top one. He stepped up onto the second one like he always used to, and put his arms around me. we hugged for a very long time. it was nice.
The only thing i could think of to say was "Thank you."
"You're welcome? You know... you don't have to thank me...."
"Yes i do..do you even know why i'm thanking you?"
"No..... for everything?"
I nodded.
"I feel like *I* should have something to say...?"
"Thank you?"
"Yeah... Thank you"
"Why are you thanking me..?"
"Just... for everything too.. Really thank you."
We hugged for awhile longer... and looked at eachother. It still felt like i should have been saying something more... but i really didn't have anything to say... It was like.. everythng i wanted to say... would just come out in the hugging... and that would be that... A couple times he pulled away... but then started to hug me again.... and the other times I pulled him back.. because i really wasn't ready yet.
Finally though... when saw the hurt in his eyes... I had to let him go, because...
"The longer we do this the harder it is".
I could've told him that i'd miss him.
and i could've said we'd keep in touch.
I could've told him how special he was.
I could have told him to be careful.
I could've asked him to always write.
and to call on birthdays and holidays.
I could have told him all the things I never told him.
And the things i wished i hadn't.
I could have asked him how he felt.
and what he'd miss from me.
I could have asked him how I changed his life.
And told him how he affected mine.
I could've asked him if he still had my picture...
and if he was bringing it with him.
I could have told him i still have his....
...in a box in my closet
I could've said "I still love you"
...whether its true or not...
Just to hear it too...or not.
These are all the things I shouldn't have said.
I'm really glad i didn't.
"Thank you"
was all there was left to say...
and it really said it all.
I'm glad we broke up 6 months ago, because i think you would have missed out on alot of things if we hadn't... And i know i wouldn't be able to handle it if this was how we broke up. I really needed that time away from to you be able to say goodbye... and though i'm sad i missed some important things... and that i missed spending more time with you.. i'm okay because of the time we spent apart.
Love always, Kyla
It was nice. We had coffee... and took a car ride. We went for a walk... and sat and talked. We didn't talk about the situation at hand though.... he just told me about grad.. and his friends.. and his summer....how he felt about leaving for school. How he's scared... but more excited. That it really hasn't sunk in that he's leaving here forever. well... he's coming back to visit... but after the next 4 years of school... he plans to move away. So in reality... it is forever.
Somewhere around 10:10 pm i said to him:
"Do you realise that this is the last 20 minutes you'll spend with me...ever?"
and i think i kinda hit something when i siad that.... His expression changed.. it was like it'd punched him.. and it actually hurt. I wasn't trying to hurt him... I think i just needed to hear it out loud so that it would sink in for me too. Though... its true i wanted to know it mattered to him too...
he nodded.... and said "yeah".
We stared at eachother for awhile.. and smiled... and didn't smile... and then:
"Does it feel like you hsould have something to say? Because i feel like i should say something... but there's really nothing to say?"
"Well.. yeah. I don't want to make it seem like i've dwelled on it or anything... but i did think about it pretty hard. I came up with nothing."
"Its because there's nothing you can say..."
"Oh no.. there's plenty i COULD say... i don't think there's anything i SHOULD say."
"pft. I guess but... you shouldn't.........
I'm glad i'm leaving on a good note...."
"what do you mean?"
"You know what i mean... This could have gone badly..."
"No. It really couldn't have...
...are you okay?"
"I am. I'm finally okay."
"what does that mean?"
*shrug*
"Ok.. i know..."
*nods*
*I'm happy that you're good"
"Thanks..."
He took me home... and met me at the right headlight, and i asked if he was going to walk me to my door. he nodded.
I put my purse down on the step and climed to the top one. He stepped up onto the second one like he always used to, and put his arms around me. we hugged for a very long time. it was nice.
The only thing i could think of to say was "Thank you."
"You're welcome? You know... you don't have to thank me...."
"Yes i do..do you even know why i'm thanking you?"
"No..... for everything?"
I nodded.
"I feel like *I* should have something to say...?"
"Thank you?"
"Yeah... Thank you"
"Why are you thanking me..?"
"Just... for everything too.. Really thank you."
We hugged for awhile longer... and looked at eachother. It still felt like i should have been saying something more... but i really didn't have anything to say... It was like.. everythng i wanted to say... would just come out in the hugging... and that would be that... A couple times he pulled away... but then started to hug me again.... and the other times I pulled him back.. because i really wasn't ready yet.
Finally though... when saw the hurt in his eyes... I had to let him go, because...
"The longer we do this the harder it is".
I could've told him that i'd miss him.
and i could've said we'd keep in touch.
I could've told him how special he was.
I could have told him to be careful.
I could've asked him to always write.
and to call on birthdays and holidays.
I could have told him all the things I never told him.
And the things i wished i hadn't.
I could have asked him how he felt.
and what he'd miss from me.
I could have asked him how I changed his life.
And told him how he affected mine.
I could've asked him if he still had my picture...
and if he was bringing it with him.
I could have told him i still have his....
...in a box in my closet
I could've said "I still love you"
...whether its true or not...
Just to hear it too...or not.
These are all the things I shouldn't have said.
I'm really glad i didn't.
"Thank you"
was all there was left to say...
and it really said it all.
I'm glad we broke up 6 months ago, because i think you would have missed out on alot of things if we hadn't... And i know i wouldn't be able to handle it if this was how we broke up. I really needed that time away from to you be able to say goodbye... and though i'm sad i missed some important things... and that i missed spending more time with you.. i'm okay because of the time we spent apart.
Love always, Kyla