Sitting in traffic with Ashley - the complete story
so, i and ashley were going to see a guy named chris play a set at this supposedly coffee-house setting on fri night, only it was a complete bar filled with drunk, dancing adults in business suits!! this was in alpharetta.
now, one might presume that it doesn't take 2 hours to get to alpaharetta from the mall of ga. and that presupposition would be absolutely correct if it wasn't ashley driving and chris giving directions!
so we ended up driving south on 85 through atlanta, until i realized what was happening, told her to circle back onto 285 and head toward GA 400. things were going smoothly until we hit traffic.
now this was 11:30PM, not rush our, so we thought there was a wreck. but it just so happens that roads were under construction (road work at night!) and we needed to get over into the next lane, like 354 times.
for a while, it was nigh impossible. no one would let us over because they're jealous of our awesomeness. i tried, at one point, to roll down my window to lean my head out and personally ask someone if we could get over. unfortunately, for your loveable narrator, eminem was in the car next to me and he was listening to some bass-y music really loudly. apparently he was blind (and driving?), because he didn't even look at me when i stuck my head out of the window.
the next guy was also blaring rap music. it just so happens that people with dirty cars listen to music loudly and are possessive/snobby about their lanes that they're driving in while stuck in traffic
now here's where the story gets tricky... ashley sees this motorcycle guy drive past us between two lanes and gets fed up. she swerves over into the forbidden left hand as denoted by the fearsome orange road-work barrels that nobody would DARE disobey, and quickly kicks it into high gear. i start to protest, but before i can utter a sound, ashley tells me to "relax.. i do this all the time"
this reminds me of a shirt that i saw a kid wearing at the mall about 2 months ago when i was on my way into work. his shirt said: "dont worry. i do this all the time." i was like "What? wander around the mall? that's a relief, because i was quickly becoming apphrehensive after reading that."
we're now going 100+ mph dodging barrels and middle fingers from stationary motorists. i glance over at ashley, and she has the purposeful intensity in her eyes of a revolutionary guerilla warrior tweaked out on grade-A white china/colombian supremo. as we approach the dutiful city workers taking care of our busy atlanta interstate system, i am certain that ashley is going to wreak havoc.
my temples are pounding and i'm forgetting to breathe. if i could perspire i would. unfortunately all the water is drained from my body as i seriously have got to urinate as soon as we get to the nearest establishment. but that's the last thing i'm thinking about right now as the distance between us and destruction becomes shorter and shorter. i look over at the speedometer and it is shaking. we have to be at 150
i can't believe this is happening. i thought i was going to a nice and quiet relaxing acoustic music show and here i am face-to-face with death. i realize that i don't even know ashley although we've been talking all night. this is the last thing i expected. closer....closer... and then right as we're about to collide i simulateneously close my eyes and duck, (as if that's going to help)
WHOOOOORSH!! i heard it and i felt it, like a runaway elevator. i look up and we're no longer on pavement... we are flying... i can see the traffic below us. tiny dots... ashley drives a flying car. it's true, i tell you. and there is no greater feeling in the world than flying over the mundane commonplaceness of city traffic. we made it to the show in no time. just in time to catch the last couple of songs. and we all lived hapipply ever after!
THE END
now, one might presume that it doesn't take 2 hours to get to alpaharetta from the mall of ga. and that presupposition would be absolutely correct if it wasn't ashley driving and chris giving directions!
so we ended up driving south on 85 through atlanta, until i realized what was happening, told her to circle back onto 285 and head toward GA 400. things were going smoothly until we hit traffic.
now this was 11:30PM, not rush our, so we thought there was a wreck. but it just so happens that roads were under construction (road work at night!) and we needed to get over into the next lane, like 354 times.
for a while, it was nigh impossible. no one would let us over because they're jealous of our awesomeness. i tried, at one point, to roll down my window to lean my head out and personally ask someone if we could get over. unfortunately, for your loveable narrator, eminem was in the car next to me and he was listening to some bass-y music really loudly. apparently he was blind (and driving?), because he didn't even look at me when i stuck my head out of the window.
the next guy was also blaring rap music. it just so happens that people with dirty cars listen to music loudly and are possessive/snobby about their lanes that they're driving in while stuck in traffic
now here's where the story gets tricky... ashley sees this motorcycle guy drive past us between two lanes and gets fed up. she swerves over into the forbidden left hand as denoted by the fearsome orange road-work barrels that nobody would DARE disobey, and quickly kicks it into high gear. i start to protest, but before i can utter a sound, ashley tells me to "relax.. i do this all the time"
this reminds me of a shirt that i saw a kid wearing at the mall about 2 months ago when i was on my way into work. his shirt said: "dont worry. i do this all the time." i was like "What? wander around the mall? that's a relief, because i was quickly becoming apphrehensive after reading that."
we're now going 100+ mph dodging barrels and middle fingers from stationary motorists. i glance over at ashley, and she has the purposeful intensity in her eyes of a revolutionary guerilla warrior tweaked out on grade-A white china/colombian supremo. as we approach the dutiful city workers taking care of our busy atlanta interstate system, i am certain that ashley is going to wreak havoc.
my temples are pounding and i'm forgetting to breathe. if i could perspire i would. unfortunately all the water is drained from my body as i seriously have got to urinate as soon as we get to the nearest establishment. but that's the last thing i'm thinking about right now as the distance between us and destruction becomes shorter and shorter. i look over at the speedometer and it is shaking. we have to be at 150
i can't believe this is happening. i thought i was going to a nice and quiet relaxing acoustic music show and here i am face-to-face with death. i realize that i don't even know ashley although we've been talking all night. this is the last thing i expected. closer....closer... and then right as we're about to collide i simulateneously close my eyes and duck, (as if that's going to help)
WHOOOOORSH!! i heard it and i felt it, like a runaway elevator. i look up and we're no longer on pavement... we are flying... i can see the traffic below us. tiny dots... ashley drives a flying car. it's true, i tell you. and there is no greater feeling in the world than flying over the mundane commonplaceness of city traffic. we made it to the show in no time. just in time to catch the last couple of songs. and we all lived hapipply ever after!
THE END