The snack that smiles back, until you bite their heads off...........
ok kiddies..........i hate my life. Why is it soooooooo hard? I can't take it really. I mean, i know all i ever vent about is my situation with Joe, but shit thats all i can think about. It is driving me nuts. Fuckit i'm crying...........i hear songs on the radio he liked (Journey, rush.....etc.) and i start to ball. I look at every fuckin black truck and BMW i see, shit, i even get all depressed when i see a guy in a leather jacket cuz joe looked so hot it his. I mean, shit...........all the little stuff is haunting me soooooooo bad. Soooooooo bad. Now, i am not saying that i want him back, cuz i don't want him as my boyfriend, i don't know, there were just things about each of us that kept us apart. But man do i EVER want him back in my life as a friend. I KNOW THAT I CAN:T ASK FOR THAT AND I DON"T EXPECT IT.........but you know, just wishful thinking. Like seriously, not a second goes by that i don't hink abou tall that has happened. But see..........everything happens for a reason, even if we can't justify that reason, and even if we don't now that reason, but it just happens. Maybe i went insane (i would have had to to do this to him), or maybe my emotions and my curious feelings had been bottled up for too long, and they had to come out no matter what the consequences were.
See, this is how it is............Pj has been my best GUY friend since 6th grade. There has ALWAYS been this tensions between us.........you know...........shit everyone knew it.............after 6 years of longing for him and nothing else, i decided that i needed to stop being pathetic and move on because i was sure that there was something better out there. And so, i took my feelings for Pj and shoved them to the deepest part of my mind........and ALONG CAME JOSEPH A. KOTWICKI.............i couldn't believe that someone could love me as much as he did, it was the most incredible thing in my life. I mean, for sooooo many years i couldn't picture myself with anyone other than Pj. And wehn i got to know joe, (the second time around) I FELL COMPLETELY IN LOVE WITH HIM. I truly did. I never thought it could happen, but i did. It scared me soooooo much to actually give myself to someone, but i did it. And he did too. Althoguh i never truly understood how he could love me.....i just never got it. I mean, i look at myself and i dont' see someone as good as joe loving me, he was too good for me in many ways. Anyway, so there i was............totally in love with Joe. I saw him for hours everyday, i would make him breakfast, we would go to dinner, we would go to Fin camp, the movies..........we mainly laid in eachothers arms in his basement and watched a movie, while i fell asleep. It seriously was really good. And then after a while...........i began to see some things that bothered me. He drank A LOT, he was never on time for anything, he never had a plan..........but i sucked it up and i delt wiht it, and i loved him anyway. I would drive him and his friends around when they were drunk, i would listen to scary drunked phone calls at 3 in the morining, i said that it was ok to be late for a family get together...............pretty much i took care of him. I liked it at first......but then it got to be too much. Now don't get me wrong, but he did the same for me.......he took care of me, just in a different way. He did sooooo much for me, so i don't want it to sound like he never did anything for me, cuz he did EVERYTHING for me. But it seemed like i was his bog sister watching out for him and making sure that he didn't get into trouble, made sure he had a safe ride home, i tried to keep hi mon time........all that. But i had the best time with him, he meant the wrold to me. Shit, i gave him all that i had, no matter if he felt it was enough or not, i gave him all i had. I loved him, and i still love him, just in a DIFFERENT way. See, when i was with joe, i didn't even think of Pj..........UNTIL.........joe brought him up, he did it all the timie. I would barely ever say his name, yet joe talked about him all the time, and said how much he hated him. And the more Joe did that, the more i would think of Pj. I would wonder what he was doing how he was..............and then after a while, the thoughts that i had supressed for soooooo long came back, and in full effect. No matter how much i loved joe, thoughts and curiosity about Pj filled my mind. I couldn't shake them no matter how much i wanted to. So, i confided in someone i really trust, a relative (NOT MY MOM ). And i was like, man, i have all these feeling and it isn't fair to Joe that i have them. I need to find out if my ffelings for Pj would ever amount to something. And thus, i felt that i owed it to myself because how could i live with myself constantly wondering what could have possibly became of Pj and I. ANd then, after a bad experience up north with Joe.........my feelings took over my mind and all my actions. Now, it wasn't Joe;s afult that i felt this way, i mean it sorta was, but not really. Maybe it was pms that made me mad at Joe that weekend, shit i don't know.but it happened. And i just couldn't take it anymore. So..........i had to end it with joe...........i wanted to sit down and talk to him, in person, and talk all this out on a weekend, i wnated ot to go down as smoothly as possible, and who knew maybe we could have wroked it out. BUT.........during a phone call......Joe started yelling at me and got mad cuz i never sahred how i really felt.......so i said ok fine, and i told him how i felt. MISTAKE........but he beat it out of me.........so the shit went down on the phone. ALL WRONG< ALL WRONG, but i had to tellhim then cuz i couldn't lie to him or else he would have gotten mad at that. I was dmaned if i did and damned if i didn't. so it went down like that. We tlaked, and said that we needed a break, we wouldn't see other people, but maybe with this break i could get my head staright, and things would be ok. WEll, i didn't do that. I TOTALLY INTENDED TO, but i didn't. My heart took over, and i couldn't controll it. It drew me to Pj, and i couldn't hold back. And i fucked everything up. But for some reason,i felt that for once iin my life i had to take a chance and follow my heart and my feelings. Well kids, this was NOT the time to do that i found out. I was with PJ way too soon, but i couldn't let go of him. All those feelings that had been botteled up for now 7 years came out, and i couldn't stop them. It was sorta like so wrong that it was right. I knew that i sohouldnt' do this to Joe, and i knew he would be up set, and i knew that it really was NOT THE MORAL THING TO DO, but i did it. I had to , i cound't controll it. And this thing happened between Pj and i........i can't really explain it. But it was so comfortable and my heart was relaxed and no longer stressed out cuz it was satisfied. Now, I was very happy with Joe, and i dont' think anyone can ever be as true, or as loving as him............but there is Just something about Pj that won't let me go......and i have to follow it. And right now, things are going so well, honestly. It is making me happy. Unfortunatly though, it is not making me happy enough to be able to cope with all that has happened. I know that what i did to Joe was worng, and i never meant to do it, it jsut happened. I wish i could take it all back, but now i can't. And i still ahve feelings for Joe, i always will. But my feeling for Pj are just so incredibly strong, that i can't, and i dont' want to let go. I wish that i never had to go through this, but i did. And i wish even more that Joe never had to go with this. I want to bash my head in a die for making him feel liek this. And who knows, maybe Pj and i won't work out.........anything can happen. We might find that we are just too alike that we can't stand each toher. OR, we might see that what we have is somethign that we can't have with anyone else and that there is nothign more righ tin this world. Who knows, anythign can happen. I dont' know, i might one day realize that Joe really is the person for me, and that he raelly has changed a little bit, not that he needed to , but he said that he did, and maybe i will realiuze that i love him so much.........and that i will go running to his feet beggin ghim to take me back. But i also know that if that happened, he would never take me back. And i understand why he wouldn't, and i wouldn't expecet him to..........who knows. But no matter how much he hates me and never wants to see me again, i will always love him, and i will always care about him, and wish him the best, and support him in ANYTHING that he does. I hope that he knws that if for some reason he needs me for anything, he really can come to me and ask for it. I promise to be there. Even if he doens't want me there, i will be there. If he needs a ride, or ANYTHING, he can call me and i will get out of bed at 4 in the morning and drive to him wherever he is and help him with whatever he wants. I think he knows that if he truly needs me he can come to me. I know that he never will come to me for anything, and if he did i would be the ultimate last resort, but he needs to know that HE CAN come to me. Ok..............well i really needed to get that out. Sorry this is really long. But it needed to be said. More will come i am sure, but that more than enoough for the entier week! Sorry for wasting oyur time about something you don't give two shits about..............but i feel a little better. And Joe..............i am sorry................you deserve more than i could ever give you..........you are a good guy and an even better friend, i am sure you will find your dream girl that you thoguht you saw in me................you will find her, it will just take time..........and i am here for you...........and you can never change that.................goodngiht world...........i have had enough
See, this is how it is............Pj has been my best GUY friend since 6th grade. There has ALWAYS been this tensions between us.........you know...........shit everyone knew it.............after 6 years of longing for him and nothing else, i decided that i needed to stop being pathetic and move on because i was sure that there was something better out there. And so, i took my feelings for Pj and shoved them to the deepest part of my mind........and ALONG CAME JOSEPH A. KOTWICKI.............i couldn't believe that someone could love me as much as he did, it was the most incredible thing in my life. I mean, for sooooo many years i couldn't picture myself with anyone other than Pj. And wehn i got to know joe, (the second time around) I FELL COMPLETELY IN LOVE WITH HIM. I truly did. I never thought it could happen, but i did. It scared me soooooo much to actually give myself to someone, but i did it. And he did too. Althoguh i never truly understood how he could love me.....i just never got it. I mean, i look at myself and i dont' see someone as good as joe loving me, he was too good for me in many ways. Anyway, so there i was............totally in love with Joe. I saw him for hours everyday, i would make him breakfast, we would go to dinner, we would go to Fin camp, the movies..........we mainly laid in eachothers arms in his basement and watched a movie, while i fell asleep. It seriously was really good. And then after a while...........i began to see some things that bothered me. He drank A LOT, he was never on time for anything, he never had a plan..........but i sucked it up and i delt wiht it, and i loved him anyway. I would drive him and his friends around when they were drunk, i would listen to scary drunked phone calls at 3 in the morining, i said that it was ok to be late for a family get together...............pretty much i took care of him. I liked it at first......but then it got to be too much. Now don't get me wrong, but he did the same for me.......he took care of me, just in a different way. He did sooooo much for me, so i don't want it to sound like he never did anything for me, cuz he did EVERYTHING for me. But it seemed like i was his bog sister watching out for him and making sure that he didn't get into trouble, made sure he had a safe ride home, i tried to keep hi mon time........all that. But i had the best time with him, he meant the wrold to me. Shit, i gave him all that i had, no matter if he felt it was enough or not, i gave him all i had. I loved him, and i still love him, just in a DIFFERENT way. See, when i was with joe, i didn't even think of Pj..........UNTIL.........joe brought him up, he did it all the timie. I would barely ever say his name, yet joe talked about him all the time, and said how much he hated him. And the more Joe did that, the more i would think of Pj. I would wonder what he was doing how he was..............and then after a while, the thoughts that i had supressed for soooooo long came back, and in full effect. No matter how much i loved joe, thoughts and curiosity about Pj filled my mind. I couldn't shake them no matter how much i wanted to. So, i confided in someone i really trust, a relative (NOT MY MOM ). And i was like, man, i have all these feeling and it isn't fair to Joe that i have them. I need to find out if my ffelings for Pj would ever amount to something. And thus, i felt that i owed it to myself because how could i live with myself constantly wondering what could have possibly became of Pj and I. ANd then, after a bad experience up north with Joe.........my feelings took over my mind and all my actions. Now, it wasn't Joe;s afult that i felt this way, i mean it sorta was, but not really. Maybe it was pms that made me mad at Joe that weekend, shit i don't know.but it happened. And i just couldn't take it anymore. So..........i had to end it with joe...........i wanted to sit down and talk to him, in person, and talk all this out on a weekend, i wnated ot to go down as smoothly as possible, and who knew maybe we could have wroked it out. BUT.........during a phone call......Joe started yelling at me and got mad cuz i never sahred how i really felt.......so i said ok fine, and i told him how i felt. MISTAKE........but he beat it out of me.........so the shit went down on the phone. ALL WRONG< ALL WRONG, but i had to tellhim then cuz i couldn't lie to him or else he would have gotten mad at that. I was dmaned if i did and damned if i didn't. so it went down like that. We tlaked, and said that we needed a break, we wouldn't see other people, but maybe with this break i could get my head staright, and things would be ok. WEll, i didn't do that. I TOTALLY INTENDED TO, but i didn't. My heart took over, and i couldn't controll it. It drew me to Pj, and i couldn't hold back. And i fucked everything up. But for some reason,i felt that for once iin my life i had to take a chance and follow my heart and my feelings. Well kids, this was NOT the time to do that i found out. I was with PJ way too soon, but i couldn't let go of him. All those feelings that had been botteled up for now 7 years came out, and i couldn't stop them. It was sorta like so wrong that it was right. I knew that i sohouldnt' do this to Joe, and i knew he would be up set, and i knew that it really was NOT THE MORAL THING TO DO, but i did it. I had to , i cound't controll it. And this thing happened between Pj and i........i can't really explain it. But it was so comfortable and my heart was relaxed and no longer stressed out cuz it was satisfied. Now, I was very happy with Joe, and i dont' think anyone can ever be as true, or as loving as him............but there is Just something about Pj that won't let me go......and i have to follow it. And right now, things are going so well, honestly. It is making me happy. Unfortunatly though, it is not making me happy enough to be able to cope with all that has happened. I know that what i did to Joe was worng, and i never meant to do it, it jsut happened. I wish i could take it all back, but now i can't. And i still ahve feelings for Joe, i always will. But my feeling for Pj are just so incredibly strong, that i can't, and i dont' want to let go. I wish that i never had to go through this, but i did. And i wish even more that Joe never had to go with this. I want to bash my head in a die for making him feel liek this. And who knows, maybe Pj and i won't work out.........anything can happen. We might find that we are just too alike that we can't stand each toher. OR, we might see that what we have is somethign that we can't have with anyone else and that there is nothign more righ tin this world. Who knows, anythign can happen. I dont' know, i might one day realize that Joe really is the person for me, and that he raelly has changed a little bit, not that he needed to , but he said that he did, and maybe i will realiuze that i love him so much.........and that i will go running to his feet beggin ghim to take me back. But i also know that if that happened, he would never take me back. And i understand why he wouldn't, and i wouldn't expecet him to..........who knows. But no matter how much he hates me and never wants to see me again, i will always love him, and i will always care about him, and wish him the best, and support him in ANYTHING that he does. I hope that he knws that if for some reason he needs me for anything, he really can come to me and ask for it. I promise to be there. Even if he doens't want me there, i will be there. If he needs a ride, or ANYTHING, he can call me and i will get out of bed at 4 in the morning and drive to him wherever he is and help him with whatever he wants. I think he knows that if he truly needs me he can come to me. I know that he never will come to me for anything, and if he did i would be the ultimate last resort, but he needs to know that HE CAN come to me. Ok..............well i really needed to get that out. Sorry this is really long. But it needed to be said. More will come i am sure, but that more than enoough for the entier week! Sorry for wasting oyur time about something you don't give two shits about..............but i feel a little better. And Joe..............i am sorry................you deserve more than i could ever give you..........you are a good guy and an even better friend, i am sure you will find your dream girl that you thoguht you saw in me................you will find her, it will just take time..........and i am here for you...........and you can never change that.................goodngiht world...........i have had enough