Embers - Lost fanfiction - Sawyer/Kate - 2/5
Two months passed in the blurriest of manners. It took a while for reality to sink in for the former castaways. Kate had adjusted the quickest, which made sense, having already left the island once. She was the one who generally got everyone’s affairs in order. Claire and Sawyer took longer. Sawyer was still adjusting to life in present day, and Claire was still adjusting to actual running water and the luxury of a hairbrush.
It was early one morning, and Claire had just made Aaron breakfast when he called Kate by her first name instead of “momma.”
He had not been asked to, and it had just slipped out. Having two moms was confusing. Kate tried with much difficulty to brush it off as though it was nothing, but she exited the room quickly and quietly immediately after the incident.
After putting Aaron in his room to play, Claire followed after Kate and knocked quietly on her door.
Kate sniffled, pulled herself together, and spoke clearly, “Come in.”
Claire entered the room hesitantly and sat down next to Kate on her bed.
“Kate…” she paused. “I promise I didn’t tell Aaron to call you that. You don’t think that I did, do you? I don’t know why he called you that.”
Kate wiped a stray tear. “I know. I know. I didn’t think you did…he’s probably just confused about what to call us still. It’s a confusing situation. It’s just…hard.”
Claire nodded. “Do you want me to talk to him about it? Do you want to talk to him about it?”
Kate shook her head. “Leave it be. Let’s be realistic here, Claire. You’re his mother. I was just the replacement. Eventually, you’re going to take him and leave, and he won’t know me anymore. I’ll be a distant memory.”
“That’s not true. I don’t know what’s in the future, but you will always be part of his life. Whether it be as his mom or his cool Aunt Kate. You’re his family. You always will be. And I don’t plan on going anywhere right now, so there’s no need to get upset.”
Kate sighed. “You will leave at some point, though. You know it’s true.”’
Claire looked down. “Probably. But I don’t know what’s going to happen, so let’s not worry about it, okay?”
Kate nodded heavily. “Yeah.”
“I do have a question, though…this is probably a bad time, in retrospective, but…I’m thinking of going to visit my mum in L.A. and I was hoping to take Aaron with me. It would only be a few days. What do you think?”
“I think that’s great, Claire.”
“Really?” the blonde grinned. “You’re sure?” It would only be a few days, like I said.”
“It sounds like a great idea,” Kate said quietly, trying to believe it.
“Great! Do you want some breakfast? Aaron’s already eaten, but I was going to make some waffles…”
Kate smiled softly. “Sure.”
* * *
One week later, Claire packed up some of her and Aaron’s things and left for a long weekend in California.
“Don’t forget to call,” said Kate, pulling Claire into a brief hug after packing the luggage in the taxi.
“We won’t,” Claire replied.
Kate turned to Aaron and pulled him into a tight hug and whispered, “Goodbye, baby. Have fun, okay? I’ll see you when you get back.”
“Bye, momma,” Aaron responded and gave her a wet kiss on the cheek.
At that moment, Sawyer stepped outside his house to grab the morning paper.
He approached them and grinned. “Well, what’s going on here? Claire ain’t moving, is she?”
“Just a weekend trip,” Claire replied.
“Good. Wouldn’t want you breakin’ up the trio. Plus, I heard Miles was coming around to visit you soon.” He winked.
Claire rolled her eyes and got into the cab with Aaron. She spoke out the window, “Have a good weekend, you two.”
Sawyer narrowed his eyes and smirked. “We’ll be sure to do that.”
As the taxi drove off, Kate turned to Sawyer, “You want to come inside?”
“Lead the way, Freckles.”
* * *
The pair spent the day doing things they assumed normal friends would do. They watched television, they made lunch, and they refused to talk about the past. They tried so hard to stay in the tiny boxes they had fit each other in.
They’d become good at pretending the past three months after returning back to the real world. Neither of them knew what else to do. Discussing the island would make their situation too raw and too real. It was simpler to coexist as normal friends. Like they were normal next door neighbors who talked about the weather and wanted to borrow a cup of sugar.
Being anything else in each other’s lives would be too close for comfort.
There were little moments here and there, however, where reality would seep in. They tried to keep it at bay as much as possible, but they couldn’t keep everything back. Their natural spark always had been a bit of a problem-causer.
Little bits and pieces of their past wormed their way in. Sawyer pretended not see the picture of Jack and Aaron on the end table next to him as they sat together on the couch, staring aimlessly on the T.V. When there was a commercial advertising an island getaway location, they both looked away from the sandy shores.
They watched whatever was on the screen, never truly looking at it. Time passed, and Kate turned to Sawyer. “Do you want some dinner?”
“Sure,” Sawyer replied. “What ya got?”
Kate opened the refrigerator and bit her lip. “Not much, apparently. Beer, white wine, and…some very questionable celery. Take-out it is, then.”
Sawyer grinned. “Now that’s one thing I’ve really missed.”
“What? Take-out?”
“Hell yeah,” Sawyer responded. “Having food brought to you of any variety you choose? That is something to be missed.”
Kate shrugged. “I guess so. I’ve never been one to order a lot of take-out. It’s harder to find vegetarian options.”
“Freckles, stop calling yourself a vegetarian. I’ve seen you eat boar on multiple occasions.”
Kate laughed quietly. “Yeah, well…it had to be a bit part-time back then. I needed to get my protein somehow. So what do you want? Pizza? Chinese?”
“Surprise me,” Sawyer responded with a grin.
After ordering a pizza, half pepperoni and half cheese, Kate meandered back into the room den, carrying a six pack of beer.
Sawyer raised an eyebrow. “Well then.”
Kate shrugged. “What do you want from me? I like beer, and its good quality.”
“Looks like it,” Sawyer responded. “It even comes in a bottle, not a can. Seems pretty fancy to me.”
“Yeah,” Kate started, “well after three or so years of canned Dharma beer, I figured you should give a new brand a chance.”
Sawyer shrugged. “If you say so.” He ran a hand through his hair. “Old habits die hard.”
Kate laughed a little breathlessly at that. “Yes, they do.”
Both of them knew they were talking about each other, but neither of them would voice it.
“For instance,” Sawyer cleared his throat, “Us drinking together would qualify.”
Kate cocked her head sideways. “I guess so.”
“A little game of ‘I Never’ ringing any bells?” Sawyer questioned.
They were reaching dangerous territory, and both of them knew it.
“Just a few,” Kate replied quietly, taking a sip of her beer.
The pizza arrived a few minutes later, and the pair dug in.
“I’d almost forgotten how good pizza could be when it’s not from frozen,” Sawyer commented.
Kate snorted, starting on her third beer. “I know I didn’t have to eat it as long as you, but that Dharma food really was crap.”
“Better than fish, boar, and fruit for three years,” he replied.
The alcohol was helping both of them talk about the island in a way that had seemed previously off-limits.
Sawyer scooted his chair closer to Kate’s and leaned towards her.
Kate’s breathing hitched.
“You have a little sauce,” Sawyer extended his finger toward her face and slowly wiped a touch of sauce off her bottom lip, “There.”
Kate let go of the breath she didn’t know she was holding.
Sawyer licked the bit of sauce off his finger and smirked. “All better.”
Kate stood up from her chair. “I need another beer. Do you want one?”
“Sure thing, Sassafras.” He got up and helped clear the table of the pizza box and dishes. “So when’s Claire gonna be back?”
“Monday evening, I think,” Kate replied. “I’ll have to double check.”
“How are you doing with all of this?”
“With what?” Kate asked a little too casually.
“Claire and Aaron. It can’t be easy, Freckles.”
Kate sighed and took a swig of her beer. “It’s not. The situation is so complicated…Claire and I talked about a week ago, and I know that this whole thing…this co-parenting two moms thing is only temporary.”
She jumped up and sat on her kitchen counter, beer in hand.
Kate continued, “Eventually, she’s going to take him for good. She’s going to want to go back to Australia. This isn’t her home. I know she misses it there. I know it’s where she wants to raise him. I feel like the only reason she’s still here is for me, and I don’t want that. I want Aaron so badly, but he’s hers. He was never mine to have. And I know that sooner or later he’s going to be gone. That’s really hard to accept.”
Sawyer nodded in response. “I’m sure he’ll be in your life one way or another. Claire doesn’t want to take Aaron away from you, Kate.”
“I know she doesn’t,” she responded quietly. “But eventually it’s going to happen. It’s only natural, really. But I hate it. I hate it so much. He’s always been my band-aid, you know? He fixed the hole that…that has been there for a while.”
She didn’t dare admit that it was the hole that Sawyer left. Or the hole that Jack now left.
The pair drank their beers in pregnant silence. There was so much to say. So much left unsaid. They were playing with fire, and they both knew it. Both of them would get burned eventually.
“James…” Kate whispered. “Would you mind staying tonight?”
Sawyer raised a questioning eyebrow.
“Not like that,” Kate added hastily. “It’s just…Claire’s gone, and I don’t exactly feel like being alone. You can take her room. I’ve always been a loner, but I’ve never been good at it,” she added ruefully.
Sawyer chuckled. “Sure thing, Shortcake.”
They spent a little more time finishing off their beers and decided to go their separate ways off to bed. Kate showed Sawyer to Claire’s room and got him a fresh set of sheets.
“Bathroom’s right there,” Kate jerked her head to a door on their left. “You know where my room is if you need anything.”
Sawyer nodded.
“Sleep well, James.”
Sawyer gave her a penetrating gaze. “You too, Freckles.”
* * *
Back in her room, Kate changed into her pajamas and got ready for bed. As she got under the covers, she finally allowed herself to feel again.
The night, though enjoyable, had taken a toll on her. Talking about everything so casually was difficult. So much had happened. So many bad things. It was killing her, but she didn’t want to talk about it. Sawyer didn’t want to hear about Jack, and he certainly wouldn’t want to talk about Juliet. She couldn’t talk to Claire about it. She had become a good friend, but there were some things that just couldn’t quite be discussed.
It was easier for Kate not to talk about it. If she didn’t speak of it, it wasn’t real. Not really.
But it was real. There was a picture of Jack with Aaron on an end table next to the family room couch that Kate hadn’t been able to part with. Seeing it everyday was a painful reminder of what she had lost, but she couldn’t make herself put it away.
The pain she tried not to show was slowly but surely starting to eat away at her. Kate wondered idly if it was the same for Sawyer - he’d never had the chance to properly mourn Juliet.
Kate tried with all her might not to cry, but the alcohol was getting the best of her, and tears began to fall in rapid succession. It was all too much. Juliet, Jack, Aaron…it was piling up and weighing on her heavily. She stifled a sob with her pillow and allowed the pent up tears to fall.
There was a sudden knock on the door, and Sawyer entered the bedroom saying, “Hey Kate, where do you keep your…”
He broke his sentence off at the sight of her.
Kate quickly wiped her cheeks of stray tears and tried to calm herself. “Um…sorry, what were you looking for?”
Sawyer shook his head and sat down next to her on her bed. “Doesn’t matter. What’s goin’ on, Freckles? I ain’t that bad a houseguest, am I?”
Kate let out something in between a laugh and a sob.
“No,” she replied. “It’s just…you know. It’s all starting to get to me.”
“What is?”
“The pretending. Not thinking about the island. The fact that I’m going to lose Aaron. And…” she bit her lip.
Sawyer finished for her. “And the doc?”
Kate nodded silently.
“I know you miss him, Kate. It’s gotta be hard. It’s been hard for me after losing Jules…I figure you’re goin’ through the same thing, huh?”
“Yeah,” she replied.
“I know we’re not ones for sharing our feelings and whatnot, but I’m always here to talk.”
Kate sniffled. “Thanks, Sawyer. Sorry I’m such a mess.”
“Obviously you didn’t see me holed up in my Dharma house, clutching a bottle of liquor after you left the docks a few days after what happened with Juliet. I was drunk for 24 hours straight. This?” he gestured towards her. “This is nothing.”
Kate grabbed Sawyer’s hand and squeezed it tightly. “I’m sorry about Juliet.”
Sawyer nodded and swallowed the lump in his throat. “Me too, Freckles. Me too.”
“I know Jack and I were never able to work things out for a reason,” Kate said after a moment. “We probably never would have worked. But that doesn’t make this any easier. I still loved him. Even when he treated me like shit, I still loved him.”
“I know how that is,” Sawyer replied. “You know…Juliet and I actually broke up before she died.”
“Seriously?” Kate asked, puzzled.
Sawyer nodded. “On that same day. She tried to end things. Thought we wouldn’t work anymore.”
“Why?”
Sawyer looked her in the eye meaningfully. “I think you can guess.”
Kate blinked slowly and looked down at her lap. “Oh.”
She didn’t know what else to say.
“Yeah,” Sawyer responded gruffly.
“You were a bit of problem with Jack and I, too,” Kate admitted quietly.
“How’s that?”
“I was doing that favor for you…the money for Clementine…and he got jealous. I wouldn’t tell him what I was doing because it wasn’t his place. He wasn’t too happy about it. That was right around when the drinking started. I think that he was afraid he could never live up to you. Then we self-destructed.”
Sawyer digested the information in silence.
Kate squeezed Sawyer’s hand.
He turned to Kate, an amused smirk on his face. “You, me, Jack, Juliet…we were quite the incestuous bunch, weren’t we?”
Kate laughed. “We really were. You and me…then Jack and Juliet…then you and Juliet…and me and Jack. It’s a little ridiculous, honestly.”
“I guess we just wanted to complicate things. Spice it up a bit.”
“Oh, was that the reason?” she asked with a grin.
“Yep,” he replied. “Must’ve been. Feelin’ any better?”
“A bit,” Kate smiled. “Thanks.”
“Anytime. My services are offered 24 hours a day, and I’m located just next door. Pretty convenient if you ask me.”
“I’d say so,” she replied. “We should both get some sleep. It’s late.”
“Sounds good.”
Sawyer leaned in to press a kiss to Kate’s cheek, but her head turned slightly, and their lips met, brushing gently against each other’s.
Kate pulled away quickly, eyes wide and apologetic. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to…”
Sawyer blinked slowly. “Don’t apologize.”
“Why not?” Kate asked.
He pressed his lips against hers in response. Kate drew her body into his, grabbing at the back of his head as Sawyer caught her lower lip between his teeth.
It had been so long since they last kissed - over three years. The last time she had felt his lips against hers was on the chopper, just before he jumped to save her.
It felt just like old times, kissing Sawyer again. Old times turned new. His mouth tasted like beer as his tongue grazed hers hungrily. The spark was still there. It had never really faded to begin with - they’d failed to subdue it even when they were with different people. Now, back in each others arms, the embers of the fire they’d never quite let die out ignited with fuller force.
After another moment of lips moving desperately against lips and hands tangled in each other’s hair, they pulled apart, panting heavily.
Kate looked at Sawyer through heavy-lidded eyes and spoke, “That was…”
“Intense,” he finished for her.
“Yes,” she replied, taking a deep breath. “Very intense.”
The pair was silent for a moment, unsure of what to make of the situation.
Kate spoke up after a minute, “That probably shouldn’t happen again.”
Sawyer did his best to hide his disappointment.
Kate continued, “It’s just…we’re both still getting over our loved ones, you know? I was just crying over Jack a few minutes ago, and I know how much you miss Juliet.”
Sawyer ran a hand through his golden hair. “You’re right. Too soon.”
Kate swallowed the lump in her throat. “Exactly.”
Sawyer brushed a loose strand of hair out of Kate’s eyes and tucked it behind her ear.
Kate bit her lip. “We should get some sleep.”
Sawyer nodded, leaned in, pressed a gentle kiss to Kate’s forehead and headed to the room’s exit.
Kate grabbed a fistful of her sheets and held on tightly.
Sawyer turned to look at her from the doorway, drinking her in.
He spoke in a gruff voice, “Goodnight, Freckles.”