(no subject)

[only_rawkin]

i had the talk i needed to have.
i didn't cry.
i didn't feel anything.
i sat there with a hardness in my heart; inpenatrable, unscathing, cold.
it's a feeling i've known for so long...nothing.
is this what i want?
is this what i need?
is this how it should be?
and i know all the answers to those questions...
and yet, my answer is always...i don't know.

i explained it all away and in my mind, it all made sense.
well, of course.
why wouldn't that be better?
anything's better.
anything but effort.
because the effort takes the energy that i can't seem to muster up.

emotional pain vs. physical pain.
i'd opt for the physical because atleast then i know why and where its coming from.
the pain i inflict on myself, by whatever means, is the direct cause of something tangible and imaginable.
there's no question of why.
there's no questioning where it is coming from.
there is no questioning whether it is valid or not...because it is.
cause and effect.
if and then.
it's a matter of geometry...of proofs...something provable.
because the former is the anomally, the paradox, the exception.
there is no explanation.
it's a matter of calculus...of limits or the lack there of.
the answer is found when the limit of my understanding reaches infinity.
and infinity never comes.

i don't know what i'm talking about anymore.
how in the world did i just compare my life to mathematics????

all i know is that it was a start.
in what direction....i still have to figure that out.