Crashing Paradise.
Title: Crashing Paradise
Fandom: Yu-Gi-Oh
Pairing: Yami no Malik/Yami no Bakura
Word Count: 6,047
Summary: At the end of the YGO series, YnBakura is locked away in the Shadow Realm forever. Unfortunately, YnMalik isn't too pleased at the unexpected company, so the two of them decide to gatecrash Paradise so that they can get their revenge on the Pharaoh but Atemu decides to play matchmaker instead... Humor fic, if you haven't already guessed from the summary. Con crit appreciated.
Crashing Paradise.
Yami no Malik looked up with a scowl as an obviously pissed-off Yami no Bakura appeared in his realm again. Not bothering with the pleasantries, he hissed out, “You again? Leave.”
Ever since Battle City, Yami no Malik had been sulking in the Shadow Realm - after all, there were few things more embarrassing than being defeated by a midget with bad hair. Except being defeated multiple times by said midget, which is why Yami no Malik preferred to remain in the Shadow Realm as opposed to attempting to exit and challenge the Pharaoh again. However, every time that he managed to get into a really good sulk - the kind where the shadows started to pulse to his heartbeat - someone would appear and disrupt it! Usually it was Yami no Bakura. And to make matters worse, that idiot of a thief didn’t even have the decency to apologize for barging in but would instead go off on a rant about how the stupid Pharaoh had banished him. Again. As if it wasn’t obvious that was what had happened - nobody ever came to the Shadow Realm willingly.
Normally Yami no Malik would let Yami no Bakura rant about it until he got fed up of listening - annoying as it was to have his sulk interrupted, there was something amusing about how passionately angry the thief would be - and then Yami no Malik would simply kick Yami no Bakura out of the Shadow Realm. After all, that’s what he had used to do before Battle City as well, except the difference was that then, Yami no Malik had been plotting how to defeat the Pharaoh and Yami no Bakura had been interrupting his evil plans, not his sulking. Not that it really mattered what the thief interrupted, since all such scenarios always resulted with him being banished from the Shadow Realm and back to the mortal realm - Yami no Malik occasionally wondered if Yami no Bakura complained about being banished from the Shadow Realm once he returned to the mortal realm, but decided that the thief most likely wouldn’t want to admit that he was being kicked back and forth from realm to realm like a volleyball. Then promptly returned to sulking.
And such was the plan for today as well, since on cue, Yami no Bakura was glaring back at him and obviously, the thief was about to launch into one of his usual anti-Pharaoh rants. However, the words that emerged out of his mouth took Yami no Malik by surprise for a change, seeing as they were a definite break from the norm. “I can’t.”
Taken back by this deviation from the usual routine but unwilling to show it, Yami no Malik instead snapped, “Well, obviously you can’t leave, but I can expel you from here. I came from the shadows and control this Realm, remember?” That said, he was about to send Yami no Bakura away (feeling mildly disappointed that he wouldn’t get to see Yami no Bakura trying to kick at shadows while pacing about angrily) but was stopped by the thief shaking his head.
“You can’t send me back either. The Pharaoh’s sealed the Shadow Realm - there’s no more traveling between them.” Yami no Bakura explained in a manner which was suspiciously calm. Truth to be told, the fair-haired thief was looking forwards to seeing the other lose his cool for a change as Yami no Malik was usually annoyingly self-possessed.
Clearly not believing the thief, Yami no Malik narrowed his eyes and gave a casual, dismissive wave of his hand.
Nothing happened.
He tried again.
Still nothing happened.
Frowning, he flapped his hand a few times experimentally, as if shaking a broken piece of machinery. Apparently the thief had been telling the truth about the Realms being sealed… Choosing not to state the obvious, a horrifying thought occurred to him, causing him to suddenly glare at Yami no Bakura with renewed annoyance. “Are you telling me that you are now permanently stuck here with me?”
Arching a white eyebrow secretly amused but knowing it would be unwise to show it, Yami no Bakura responded, “So it would appear.”
With a frustrated sigh, Yami no Malik snarled, “I am going to kill the Pharaoh for this. Painfully. Several times over. And-” Cut off by a snort of laughter from Yami no Bakura, he was tempted to continue but instead asked the other, “What?”
Smirking, the thief informed the other, “Too late. The Pharaoh’s already in Paradise.”
“…” Now there was an unexpected setback. Not like Yami no Malik would let that stop him though - after all, how was he supposed to sulk properly when he had to share his realm with some worthless mortal thief? Decisively, he said, “Fine. Then we’ll go there as well.”
“… ‘we’?!” Yami no Bakura protested, dark chocolate eyes widening with honest shock. “What do you mean, ‘we’?”
“I’m not leaving you behind in my Realm. I’d probably come back to find you’ve looted it.” Yami no Malik told him haughtily, dusting off his cloak as he stood up.
“What’s there to loot? Apart from you and the monsters, there’s nothing here! And nobody would be idiot enough to try to steal anything from monsters that are several times larger than they are, especially when there’s nowhere to sell the goods.” The thief pointed out.
With a shrug, Yami no Malik responded, “I don’t care. You’d probably set fire to it then.”
Curiosity temporarily overruling the thief’s instinct to snap that unlike some people he wasn’t psychotic enough to torch things for no reason, Yami no Bakura chose instead to ask, “…do shadows even burn?”
Another shrug and the dry response, “I’d prefer to not find out the hard way.”
Snarling at that answer, the thief demanded, “All that aside, how exactly do you propose to get into Paradise? In case you didn’t notice, you couldn’t send me back to the Mortal Realm. We’re trapped here. Trapped.” He emphasized the last word, hoping to get through to the other. Not that Yami no Bakura objected to the idea of leaving, just that he didn’t see how it was possible and felt like baiting Yami no Malik for being so patronizing.
“The Pharaoh closed the pathway to the Mortal Realm from here. That doesn’t mean that I can’t access other Realms.” Came the careless reply. A wave of his hand and a wriggle of his fingers later and the two of them were suddenly standing on at the fork of a dark road in front of three men before Yami no Bakura could make any scathing comments about how making obscene gestures wouldn’t get them anywhere.
Unimpressed, the thief triumphantly declared, “Hah! You might have got us out of the Shadow Realm, but you also got us lost. This is most definitely not Paradise.”
Before Yami no Malik could reply to that, one of the men responded in a deep, booming voice, “Prepare for judgment mortals, for now is the hour that it shall be decided if your souls shall pass to the Elysium Fields or to Tartarus. I, Minos, shall pass the final judgment upon your souls but Aecus shall judge those of Europe and my brother Rhadamanthys judge those of Asia so ready yourself to address those to whom you belong.”
A smirk on his lips, Yami no Bakura repeated, “Definitely not Paradise.”
“Actually,” Aecus corrected mildly, “The Elysium Fields are a version of Paradise. You see, there are so many religions around these days that we take turns admitting souls to the places of reward and the places of punishment, so Paradise is called by different names depending on which religion is taking its turn.”
At least that explained the mortals scattered around them in sleeping bags - they were probably waiting for the day of their religion to come by.
Just in case these were uneducated mortals, Aecus added almost apologetically, “Today is the day of the ancient Greeks. If you want to be admitted to Paradise, you will be judged by us. Come back tomorrow if you’d prefer to face Saint Peter since the Christian religion seems to be rather popular at the moment. Of course, then you’d be judged by the Christian standard and we’re far more forgiving than they are.”
“What about-” About to ask when the Egyptian gods would be presiding, Yami no Bakura was cut off by a foot suddenly descending very heavily on his. Only the knowledge that they were standing in front of the people who would decide if they could be admitted into Paradise and thereby wreck revenge on the Pharaoh stopped him from swearing. No force could stop him from stepping on Yami no Malik’s foot in return though, so he did so. Hard. Surprisingly enough, Yami no Malik didn’t retaliate but instead told the judges calmly, “Begin the judgment then - we are most eager to enter your ‘Elysium Fields’.”
The sooner they got this over with, the sooner he could tell the Pharaoh precisely what he thought of stupid mortal midgets that kept sending thieves to realms where they weren’t wanted instead of just dealing with them. And after he told the Pharaoh, then he could kill Atemu. Slowly. Painfully. And several times over. In fact, Yami no Malik was so occupied in thoughts of bloody revenge that he didn’t even realize that a list of Yami no Bakura’s crimes were being listed off, until he heard his own name being called by Minos. In the same deep voice as earlier, Minos boomed, “Yami no Malik, how is it that none of us appear to be responsible for judging you?”
“Hm?” Distracted, his attention clearly on the road which would take him to the Pharaoh, Yami no Malik snapped his attention back to Minos. “Oh. I am neither Asian nor European. Nor am I human. Nor am I dead, since I never really lived. Therefore, you cannot judge me.”
Following the logical train of thought, Aecus pointed out, “But if you are not human - and you are certainly no animal - that would make you an immortal. A god of sorts.”
…that sounded like a much better description of him than simply Shadow-Born. With a smirk directed at the dumbstruck thief who had apparently never thought of it like that before, Yami no Malik replied carefully, “As a god, would I be given automatic entrance to Pa- to the Elysium Fields?”
Minos answered solemnly, “As a god, you would be given your own day within which you may admit your worshippers to whatever fate you decree appropriate to them.”
Tempting as that sounded, the only ‘worshippers’ that Yami no Malik had (using that term in its loosest sense) would be the shadows and assorted monsters. Besides, if he ruled the Realm of the Shadows, then why would he want to send them elsewhere? That would deplete his 'kingdom'. So instead of accepting, Yami no Malik shook his head. “No, I simply wish to discuss certain matters with one of the dead. That is all.”
A hasty conference was held, and at the end of it, Minos decreed “You may pass into the Elysium Fields, but your companion shall be sent to Tartarus for the many barbarous crimes that he has committed.”
Oh hell no. Yami no Bakura was not going to go to some place of punishment if Yami no Malik could get to Paradise and kill the Pharaoh. Especially not since Yami no Malik was every bit as cruel as him and most definitely no god. About to say as much to the judges who were already preoccupied with their next case, he was cut off by Yami no Malik who took his arm as they began to saunter towards the fork in the road behind the two thrones. Quietly, so that they wouldn’t be overhead, Yami no Malik stated, “You know what to do.”
“No I don’t!” The thief hissed in exasperation.
Calmly, stepping onto the grassy path and taking the thief along with him, Yami no Malik told him, “You will once it begins.”
…and Yami no Bakura had thought that working with Malik was bad. It was a positive walk in the park, compared to the way that Malik’s dark side behaved.
Sudden screeching was heard, and half-bird, half-women swooped down from the sky. They looked suspiciously like the Harpy Ladies, except foul and with matted hair.
Ah - apparently being attacked by them was what Yami no Malik had referred to as ‘it’, a conclusion that Yami no Bakura would have been happier to reach if he actually had anything upon him that he could use to defend himself with.
Not that it mattered. Judging from the sprint that he had broken into, Yami no Malik’s grand plan consisted of simply outrunning the flying birdwomen. Perhaps poor planning skills were contagious? Certainly Yami no Bakura didn’t remember Yami no Malik being this simplistic during Battle City. It made him a little embarrassed to have lost to someone who seemed to think that breaking into Paradise was as easy as outrunning a couple of bird-people… though really, Yami no Bakura was too busy running to be very embarrassed, but he did manage to pant out, “Now what?” Strange. You’d think that the dead wouldn’t get tired but nope, he was experiencing definite problems running so fast and talking at the same time.
“Keep running!” Yami no Malik yelled in return. Considering that to be the least helpful advice that he could have been given, Yami no Bakura was tempted to tell the other that, but settled for doing exactly that, trampling the flowers underfoot as he fled. The harpies were gaining on them though, beginning to make feints at them and screaming with delight as they did so. Suddenly, Yami no Malik’s hand slipped into his hand and the two of them were in the Shadow Realm once more.
Yanking his hand away as if he had been burnt, Yami no Bakura placed them on his thighs and leant over, simply breathing hard for a few minutes while he tried to get his breath back after the strenuous run. Finally straightening up, he rasped at the other, “What was the point of that? We’re back here again!”
Nodding, Yami no Malik calmly acknowledged that. “Yes, but we managed to make it almost halfway to the gates. Next time we return, we’ll be at where we were when we disappeared, instead of in front of the judges, and the harpies might not be alerted to us since we already stepped on the path once. It won’t be as if you were judged and went against the judgment.”
Vexingly, that made sense. After all, Yami no Malik was the one who knew how this Realm-jumping worked, and the thief had no choice but to accept that. And think of what he would to do to the Pharaoh once they reached him. Brushing his hair out of his face, grimacing with distaste as he felt it to be slightly sweaty, he inquired, “How long will it take the harpies to stop paying attention to that spot? I’m assuming that they won’t be pleased at having their prey simply disappear thusly.”
“Not all that long. After all, they do have other tasks to perform.” Yami no Malik replied, settling down in the same spot that he had been in when Yami no Bakura had so rudely burst in and disturbed his sulking. Instead of returning to sulking though, he glanced sideways at the thief, and informed in a deceptively light tone, “For the record, were we both to be judged as mortals, they would have found me to be much worse than you.”
A slight to his pride? Yami no Bakura most certainly wouldn’t stand for that. Arrogantly, he laughed. “You? You’ve spent most of your existence in this Realm. You barely spent a week in the Mortal Realm and the worst you ever do here is expel people from it! How could you possibly be worse than someone who had nearly two lifetimes within which to do whatever he pleased?”
Giving Yami no Bakura an amused, patronizingly smirk that hinted that Yami no Malik could explain his reasoning if he chose but simply didn’t think it worth his time, the golden-haired one answered succinctly, “Quality over quantity.”
“How trite.” The thief sneered, angered by the look on the other’s face. Aggressively, he demanded, “Weren’t you listening to the list of accomplishments that those judges recited? That alone should prove to you that I’m far worse than you!”
Taking a casual glance at the thief, and Yami no Malik stated in a mocking tone which made fun of the other’s line of reasoning, “You have fluffy hair. I don’t. ‘That alone should prove to you that I’m far worse than you!’”
“…” Too shocked by that line of reasoning to say anything at first, Yami no Bakura found himself actually trying to pet his hair down, then snatched his hands away and crossed his arms over his chest before inquiring in his most hostile manner, “Was that meant to be amusing? Because my hair is not fluffy. And even if it was - which it most definitely is not - it would still not prevent me from being evil.”
“All things fluffy are cute. Cute things are not evil. Ergo, you are not evil.” Yami no Malik drawled in a bored manner, more focused on wondering if the harpies would have given up yet than on the argument at hand.
Sarcastically, the thief demanded, “And I am meant to take that as you finding me ‘cute’?” Seconds later, as Yami no Malik arched an eyebrow at him, he was to regret that remark, a flush touching his cheeks. The shadow-born didn’t even need to say anything, the amused indifference evident in his eyes making it clear that yes, he was willing to apply such a scathing insult to the thief.
…suddenly, Yami no Bakura found himself wondering if he should hate the Pharaoh for having banished him to the Shadow Realm, or for having banished him to the Shadow Realm with Yami no Malik. Not that he had ever minded the other’s presence before, seeing it as it was a sure-fire guarantee of being returned to the Mortal Realm if he could sufficiently annoy the shadow-born, but right not, the thief was tempted to strangle the other.
Too bad that he needed the other to get them back onto that pathway.
As if on cue, Yami no Malik stood up again and dusted off his clothes once more, getting rid of the little strands of grass that had been clinging to his trousers. Holding his hand out to Yami no Bakura, he commanded in a tone that brooked no denial, “Come. It should be safe to return now.”
Muttering insults mentally, Yami no Bakura reluctantly placed in his hand within the other’s, taking a certain pleasure in digging his nails into Yami no Malik’s palm once they had arrived on the path once more. As expected, there were no harpies, making it possible for them to proceed down the path at a more natural pace. The sun was shining - or at least, there was plenty of light - the ground was grassy and flowers grew in abundance around them.
Were it not for the fact that they were off to kill someone who was already dead, and a definite sullen air hung around both of them, the scene could have been described as idyllic.
For a while, they walked in silence, then Yami no Bakura brought up a question that had been nagging at him for a while, “I can understand you traveling to the Mortal Realm since the Sennen Items are there, but why here?”
Not breaking his stride, Yami no Malik answered with a slight note of surprise in his tone, “My abilities have nothing to do with the Items. I can travel to wherever the shadows exist, for it’s from the shadows that I was born.”
A pause, then came the highly exasperated demand from a frustrated thief who was not having a good day at all, “Do you ever stop being so fucking dramatic? You’re worse than the Pharaoh!”
Startled, Yami no Malik started to laugh. That was not an inquiry he had to deal with before - and considering that Yami no Bakura’s usual greeting to him once he had appeared in the Shadow Realm was a long rant about the Pharaoh, the shadow born didn’t exactly think that Yami no Bakura was in the best position to accuse him of being dramatic.
This time, it was Yami no Bakura’s turn to sulk. Having what was meant to be a serious question provoke laughter was certainly grounds enough for a good sulk and besides, he couldn’t let Yami no Malik monopolize the field of sulking, could he now? Folding his arms over his chest, the thief stomped angrily down the path, taking a vicious delight in stepping on as many of the flowers as he could. Following behind the paler boy, Yami no Malik finally stopped laughing and pointed out with a chuckle, “Of course I’m worse than the Pharaoh - I’m evil, remember? As are you.”
The insult Yami no Bakura was about to snap along the lines of that they were meant to worse than the Pharaoh in a moral sense not when it came to unnecessary dramatics died as the implications of Yami no Malik’s statement struck him. When regarded in a certain light, it sounded almost like a compliment. Though obviously it couldn’t have been meant as such, considering Yami no Malik’s usual attitude. Then again -
“We’re here.” Yami no Malik announced quite unnecessarily as they passed through a wooden gate to find themselves on a boat that floated gently on the unmistakable waters of the Nile. This was interesting really, since the gate had looked as if it led into just another meadow, but Yami no Bakura supposed that the Pharaoh wouldn’t have the same idea of Paradise as did the drunken, carousing people that he had spotted in the far end of the field. Shame really - they had looked like they were having fun.
The sight of the Pharaoh talking animatedly with his court - and, Yami no Bakura noticed with a slight cringe, the father whose corpse he had desecrated back in ancient Egypt - snapped the thief out of those thoughts though. They seemed to have been unnoticed though, due to the slaves that flocked the ship, carrying platters of treats and drinks back and forth. Under his breath, Yami no Bakura muttered to Yami no Malik, “Do you actually have a proper plan this time or are we going to end up running once more?”
“I happen to have an excellent plan.” Yami no Malik replied quietly, dark indigo gaze trained on the Pharaoh, “We tell one of the slaves that another god - if they regard me as a God, then they probably consider him to be a demi-god at the least - wishes to talk to Pharaoh Atemu in private, and then we deal with him.”
“What do we do with the corpse afterwards - send it to the Shadow Realm for the Summoned Skull to devour?” Yami no Bakura suggested sarcastically.
A dark laugh answered that, Yami no Malik retorting, “What makes you think that there’ll be enough left of him to feed to anything?”
…that sounded good to the thief. Grabbing a loincloth-clad slave, he told him, “Inform your master that we wish to speak with him in private. Tell him that we too are gods.” Admittedly, he was only human but he refused to admit that Yami no Malik was better at him than anything - whether it be evil, immortality or simply fluffy-hair. Watching the slave scurry off, he dragged Yami no Malik towards the rear of the boat, making sure that they would be blocked from view of the court. For his efforts, he got a questioning look, resulting in him explaining, “Do you really want to battle the entire court once they realize who we are?”
Acknowledging that Yami no Bakura had a point, the golden psychopath nodded briefly, then leant against the railing, looking down at the waters thoughtfully. Wondering what was so interesting, Yami no Bakura looked down as well, which is why both of them missed the look of utterly horrified disgust that crossed the Pharaoh’s face once he saw their backs.
“You!” Atemu declared, stabbing at the air dramatically, self-righteous indignation written across his face as he stormed across the deck to glare up at both of them. “What are the two of you doing here? I refuse to believe that either of you actually earned admittance to Paradise.” Glowering angrily up at them, his air of authority was ruined somewhat by him absently adjusting the cloth wrapped around his waist, which had slipped a little from the force of his angry steps.
“Have you not heard? I am the darkness and the darkness always returns.” Of course, that statement would have made more sense if Yami no Bakura had ever been on this boat before, but it seemed a shame to waste a perfectly good catchphrase just because it was a tad inaccurate. “I’m here to extract my revenge on you for the village that you destroyed to make the Items, for killing my family, for orphaning me, for having me sealed away in the Ring, for sending me to the Shadow Realm so many times-”
“It’s all about you, isn’t it?” Yami no Malik interjected, spotting the perfect place to make his complaint. “I’m here to complain about the fact that you constantly keep sending that mortal to my Realm. What do you think the Shadow Realm is- a garbage disposal unit?”
”Hey!” The thief objected, eyes widening with shock at being referred to as garbage. This was not what he had expected to have to listen to. It was supposed to be Atemu being insulted, not him! “I am not garbage - do I look like garbage to you?”
“Yes.” Atemu replied briefly, unable to resist. The thief had set himself up for that one, after all. That done, he informed Yami no Bakura, “As for your village, that was the fault of the brother of my father. Go repeat yourself at him.” Then turned his attention Yami no Malik, “And you should be glad of the company. Would you prefer that I sent you a duck instead?”
Temporarily stunned by the news that he had been blaming the wrong person for most of his existence, Yami no Bakura didn’t even ask why a duck, but instead just stared at the Pharaoh, too in shock to even do as suggested and accost Atemu’s uncle. Ignoring him, Yami no Malik arched a dark golden eyebrow at Atemu, “Strangely enough, I fail to believe that your motive for sending the thief to my realm was that you did not wish me to be lonely and thought that it would be best to ascertain that I would have suitable company. Leaving aside the issue of if the thief is suitable company, of course.”
With a shrug, watching Yami no Bakura warily, Atemu pointed out, “Regardless of my motives, the fact remains that he certainly can’t stay here and therefore ends up at your Realm by default since that is where I had condemned him to. Therefore, I would suggest you simply get used to it - there are worse persons whom you could have been encumbered with. At least the thief is reasonably attractive - I’d call him intelligent as well, but anyone who spends their second chance at life pursuing the wrong person for vengeance doesn’t fit that description.”
“'Reasonably attractive’?! And are you implying that I’m unintelligent?!” In his own way, Yami no Bakura was quite pleased that Atemu had just insulted him. After all, that gave him a reason to hate the Pharaoh, and admittedly, the reason wasn’t quite as good as all the reasons that he had just lost, but at least it was something to cling to. Not to mention that stating the thief was only ‘reasonably’ attractive had just made whatever chance the Pharaoh might have ever had with him slip from ‘impossible’ to ‘die for even thinking of it’.
Taking a moment to think about it, his attention still on the thief instead of the shadow spirit, Atemu answered, “Perhaps not so much unintelligent as misinformed, but that doesn’t matter since the two of you share common interests at least.” That particular statement caused both Yami no Bakura and Yami no Malik to give Atemu suspicious looks, neither of them willing to believe that Atemu was truly trying to make them happy.
The Pharaoh merely arched an eyebrow at them, and smiled enigmatically. Atemu wanting them to be happy was obviously out of the question but Atemu wanting to get rid of them and make sure that they wouldn’t come back? That made more sense, especially if one considered that he couldn’t actually banish them to the Shadow Realm now that he no longer possessed the Items. Not that it occurred to either of them to realize that, Yami no Bakura because he was still in minor shock from the revelation that he’d been pursuing the wrong person, and Yami no Malik because it wouldn’t occur to him to do something like that.
“Our common interests seem to be limited to slaughter, torture, the gaining of power and revenge against you - none of which can be effectively carried out in the Shadow Realm.” Yami no Malik argued finally, seeing as the thief didn’t seem to be about to say anything and their silence was beginning to make them look foolish. Not that the shadow born knew exactly how the conversation had changed from him condemning the Pharaoh for abusing the Shadow Realm to Yami no Bakura’s potential as a partner of sorts.
“Which is precisely why the two of you would benefit from some time alone in the Shadow Realm - you could discover other interests the two of you share.” Atemu suggested smoothly. Not for nothing had he been able to run an entire court on his own. Compared to that, matchmaking two stubborn spirits ought to be easy - and if that failed, he could always see what happened when undead were fed to crocodiles. Though considering that the crocodiles weren’t really alive either, would they even have appetites?
“…” Complete silence greeted that idea, coupled with near-identical looks of disbelief. Finally, Yami no Bakura asked the question that was in both of their minds, “Are you trying to suggest that Yami no Malik and I become friends?” The emphasis he put on the word made it clear that he considered the idea to be every bit as likely as say, him deciding to learn how to fly by jumping from a very high place with a pillowcase in his hands to use as a parachute.
“No, no, of course not.” Atemu hastily reassured them, waiting for the almost imperceptible sighs of relief before continuing on, “I’m suggesting that you leave this place, return to the Shadow Realm and become lovers.”
It was at that point that Atemu found himself being a) pushed overboard and b) attacked by crocodiles.
In all the commotion caused by the court trying to save him, nobody noticed Yami no Bakura and Yami no Malik disappearing back to the Shadow Realm. Once there, Yami no Malik flopped down in his usual spot, more angrily than usual. “I’ve always known the Pharaoh was a fool, but it never occurred to me that he’d be insane as well. If it’s possibly to think of a more ridiculous notion than that, I don’t know what it could be!”
Yami no Malik continued to rant on in that same vein while the other watched him thoughtfully. True, it was interesting to have their roles reversed but really, it wasn’t that which put such a contemplative light in Yami no Bakura’s eyes. No, he had something much more pleasant than simply dismembering the Pharaoh on his mind… Waiting until Yami no Malik appeared to be finished, Yami no Bakura stretched out next to him, and smirked. “Are you quite done?”
“Considering that I’ve exhausted this language’s possibilities of describing the depths of the Pharaoh’s idiocy, yes.” Yami no Malik snapped back, unable to see why the thief was so amused. Yami no Bakura’s smirk widened as he answered, “I fail to see why the suggestion was stupid.”
And before Yami no Malik could start off on another rant, the thief leaned over to press his lips against the other’s, quite effectively quenching any protests. At least for a few moments, until Yami no Malik pushed him off, then propped himself up on one elbow to half-glare, half-smirk at the thief. “Just because the Pharaoh is stupid doesn’t mean that his ideas are.”
About to resume kissing the thief, he was surprised to have Yami no Bakura push him away and be the one to glare this time, “You interrupted a perfectly good kiss to say that? I told you your sense of the dramatic was overdeveloped.”
“… I hope you’re not going to argue with me while we’re actually having sex.” Yami no Malik settled for saying, starting to unfasten the clasps of his cloak.
With a smirk, the paler boy replied, “I’d prefer having you talk dirty.”
“Only if I’m seme.” The other retorted quickly, making it clear that he didn’t think he needed to negotiate for that anyway.
Yami no Bakura snorted, “In your dreams.”
“How did you ever guess?” Yami no Malik drawled with a smirk, then decided to stop talking and get down to the far more pleasant business of seeing how loud he could make the thief scream. Besides, maybe this way the thief would forget about what he had requested in exchange for agreeing to be uke - not that Yami no Bakura had actually formally agreed, but the shadow born was counting on the thief being too distracted to object at that point. So with that end in mind, he pushed the other back down and managed quite successfully to quell any reply that Yami no Bakura might have had with a series of kisses.
…unfortunately for Yami no Malik, he had barely started stripping the other before being pushed off again. Now getting thoroughly frustrated at the constant interruptions to apparently anything he tried, Yami no Malik glared at the other heatedly and demanded in a highly exasperated tone, “Now what?!”
Defensively, Yami no Bakura pointed behind the other and said, “There are monsters watching us!” With a sigh, the shadow born turned around to see that what the mortal had said was indeed true - there was an interested-looking group of assorted monsters standing not too far away from them. And strangely enough, munching on popcorn. Dismissing the thought of where they could have got the popcorn from, Yami no Malik rolled his eyes and made a flapping gesture with his hand at them, indicating that he wanted them to leave. Instead, they waved back.
…obviously he’d need to switch tactics.
Getting up to his feet and holding his hand out to the other, Yami no Malik explained casually, “Yes, the Shadow Realm tends to get a little dull - I suppose they thought that we would make a good show. It’s somewhat difficult to get any privacy here.”
Eyes narrowed, Yami no Bakura stated stubbornly, “I am not going to do anything with you as long as they’re watching. Isn’t there anywhere in this Realm that we can be alone?”
“Unfortunately, no.” Yami no Malik curled his hand around the other’s, then smirked. “But I can think of somewhere better than this…” That said, they disappeared.
~*~
Obviously, it was a good thing that Yami no Malik and Yami no Bakura had listened to Atemu. As the Pharaoh, his words were law and therefore, he was naturally pleased that they had finally seen the wisdom of paying attention to him and following his suggestions.
However, he did not need to have them prove it with an actual demonstration!
~Fin~
Fandom: Yu-Gi-Oh
Pairing: Yami no Malik/Yami no Bakura
Word Count: 6,047
Summary: At the end of the YGO series, YnBakura is locked away in the Shadow Realm forever. Unfortunately, YnMalik isn't too pleased at the unexpected company, so the two of them decide to gatecrash Paradise so that they can get their revenge on the Pharaoh but Atemu decides to play matchmaker instead... Humor fic, if you haven't already guessed from the summary. Con crit appreciated.
Crashing Paradise.
Yami no Malik looked up with a scowl as an obviously pissed-off Yami no Bakura appeared in his realm again. Not bothering with the pleasantries, he hissed out, “You again? Leave.”
Ever since Battle City, Yami no Malik had been sulking in the Shadow Realm - after all, there were few things more embarrassing than being defeated by a midget with bad hair. Except being defeated multiple times by said midget, which is why Yami no Malik preferred to remain in the Shadow Realm as opposed to attempting to exit and challenge the Pharaoh again. However, every time that he managed to get into a really good sulk - the kind where the shadows started to pulse to his heartbeat - someone would appear and disrupt it! Usually it was Yami no Bakura. And to make matters worse, that idiot of a thief didn’t even have the decency to apologize for barging in but would instead go off on a rant about how the stupid Pharaoh had banished him. Again. As if it wasn’t obvious that was what had happened - nobody ever came to the Shadow Realm willingly.
Normally Yami no Malik would let Yami no Bakura rant about it until he got fed up of listening - annoying as it was to have his sulk interrupted, there was something amusing about how passionately angry the thief would be - and then Yami no Malik would simply kick Yami no Bakura out of the Shadow Realm. After all, that’s what he had used to do before Battle City as well, except the difference was that then, Yami no Malik had been plotting how to defeat the Pharaoh and Yami no Bakura had been interrupting his evil plans, not his sulking. Not that it really mattered what the thief interrupted, since all such scenarios always resulted with him being banished from the Shadow Realm and back to the mortal realm - Yami no Malik occasionally wondered if Yami no Bakura complained about being banished from the Shadow Realm once he returned to the mortal realm, but decided that the thief most likely wouldn’t want to admit that he was being kicked back and forth from realm to realm like a volleyball. Then promptly returned to sulking.
And such was the plan for today as well, since on cue, Yami no Bakura was glaring back at him and obviously, the thief was about to launch into one of his usual anti-Pharaoh rants. However, the words that emerged out of his mouth took Yami no Malik by surprise for a change, seeing as they were a definite break from the norm. “I can’t.”
Taken back by this deviation from the usual routine but unwilling to show it, Yami no Malik instead snapped, “Well, obviously you can’t leave, but I can expel you from here. I came from the shadows and control this Realm, remember?” That said, he was about to send Yami no Bakura away (feeling mildly disappointed that he wouldn’t get to see Yami no Bakura trying to kick at shadows while pacing about angrily) but was stopped by the thief shaking his head.
“You can’t send me back either. The Pharaoh’s sealed the Shadow Realm - there’s no more traveling between them.” Yami no Bakura explained in a manner which was suspiciously calm. Truth to be told, the fair-haired thief was looking forwards to seeing the other lose his cool for a change as Yami no Malik was usually annoyingly self-possessed.
Clearly not believing the thief, Yami no Malik narrowed his eyes and gave a casual, dismissive wave of his hand.
Nothing happened.
He tried again.
Still nothing happened.
Frowning, he flapped his hand a few times experimentally, as if shaking a broken piece of machinery. Apparently the thief had been telling the truth about the Realms being sealed… Choosing not to state the obvious, a horrifying thought occurred to him, causing him to suddenly glare at Yami no Bakura with renewed annoyance. “Are you telling me that you are now permanently stuck here with me?”
Arching a white eyebrow secretly amused but knowing it would be unwise to show it, Yami no Bakura responded, “So it would appear.”
With a frustrated sigh, Yami no Malik snarled, “I am going to kill the Pharaoh for this. Painfully. Several times over. And-” Cut off by a snort of laughter from Yami no Bakura, he was tempted to continue but instead asked the other, “What?”
Smirking, the thief informed the other, “Too late. The Pharaoh’s already in Paradise.”
“…” Now there was an unexpected setback. Not like Yami no Malik would let that stop him though - after all, how was he supposed to sulk properly when he had to share his realm with some worthless mortal thief? Decisively, he said, “Fine. Then we’ll go there as well.”
“… ‘we’?!” Yami no Bakura protested, dark chocolate eyes widening with honest shock. “What do you mean, ‘we’?”
“I’m not leaving you behind in my Realm. I’d probably come back to find you’ve looted it.” Yami no Malik told him haughtily, dusting off his cloak as he stood up.
“What’s there to loot? Apart from you and the monsters, there’s nothing here! And nobody would be idiot enough to try to steal anything from monsters that are several times larger than they are, especially when there’s nowhere to sell the goods.” The thief pointed out.
With a shrug, Yami no Malik responded, “I don’t care. You’d probably set fire to it then.”
Curiosity temporarily overruling the thief’s instinct to snap that unlike some people he wasn’t psychotic enough to torch things for no reason, Yami no Bakura chose instead to ask, “…do shadows even burn?”
Another shrug and the dry response, “I’d prefer to not find out the hard way.”
Snarling at that answer, the thief demanded, “All that aside, how exactly do you propose to get into Paradise? In case you didn’t notice, you couldn’t send me back to the Mortal Realm. We’re trapped here. Trapped.” He emphasized the last word, hoping to get through to the other. Not that Yami no Bakura objected to the idea of leaving, just that he didn’t see how it was possible and felt like baiting Yami no Malik for being so patronizing.
“The Pharaoh closed the pathway to the Mortal Realm from here. That doesn’t mean that I can’t access other Realms.” Came the careless reply. A wave of his hand and a wriggle of his fingers later and the two of them were suddenly standing on at the fork of a dark road in front of three men before Yami no Bakura could make any scathing comments about how making obscene gestures wouldn’t get them anywhere.
Unimpressed, the thief triumphantly declared, “Hah! You might have got us out of the Shadow Realm, but you also got us lost. This is most definitely not Paradise.”
Before Yami no Malik could reply to that, one of the men responded in a deep, booming voice, “Prepare for judgment mortals, for now is the hour that it shall be decided if your souls shall pass to the Elysium Fields or to Tartarus. I, Minos, shall pass the final judgment upon your souls but Aecus shall judge those of Europe and my brother Rhadamanthys judge those of Asia so ready yourself to address those to whom you belong.”
A smirk on his lips, Yami no Bakura repeated, “Definitely not Paradise.”
“Actually,” Aecus corrected mildly, “The Elysium Fields are a version of Paradise. You see, there are so many religions around these days that we take turns admitting souls to the places of reward and the places of punishment, so Paradise is called by different names depending on which religion is taking its turn.”
At least that explained the mortals scattered around them in sleeping bags - they were probably waiting for the day of their religion to come by.
Just in case these were uneducated mortals, Aecus added almost apologetically, “Today is the day of the ancient Greeks. If you want to be admitted to Paradise, you will be judged by us. Come back tomorrow if you’d prefer to face Saint Peter since the Christian religion seems to be rather popular at the moment. Of course, then you’d be judged by the Christian standard and we’re far more forgiving than they are.”
“What about-” About to ask when the Egyptian gods would be presiding, Yami no Bakura was cut off by a foot suddenly descending very heavily on his. Only the knowledge that they were standing in front of the people who would decide if they could be admitted into Paradise and thereby wreck revenge on the Pharaoh stopped him from swearing. No force could stop him from stepping on Yami no Malik’s foot in return though, so he did so. Hard. Surprisingly enough, Yami no Malik didn’t retaliate but instead told the judges calmly, “Begin the judgment then - we are most eager to enter your ‘Elysium Fields’.”
The sooner they got this over with, the sooner he could tell the Pharaoh precisely what he thought of stupid mortal midgets that kept sending thieves to realms where they weren’t wanted instead of just dealing with them. And after he told the Pharaoh, then he could kill Atemu. Slowly. Painfully. And several times over. In fact, Yami no Malik was so occupied in thoughts of bloody revenge that he didn’t even realize that a list of Yami no Bakura’s crimes were being listed off, until he heard his own name being called by Minos. In the same deep voice as earlier, Minos boomed, “Yami no Malik, how is it that none of us appear to be responsible for judging you?”
“Hm?” Distracted, his attention clearly on the road which would take him to the Pharaoh, Yami no Malik snapped his attention back to Minos. “Oh. I am neither Asian nor European. Nor am I human. Nor am I dead, since I never really lived. Therefore, you cannot judge me.”
Following the logical train of thought, Aecus pointed out, “But if you are not human - and you are certainly no animal - that would make you an immortal. A god of sorts.”
…that sounded like a much better description of him than simply Shadow-Born. With a smirk directed at the dumbstruck thief who had apparently never thought of it like that before, Yami no Malik replied carefully, “As a god, would I be given automatic entrance to Pa- to the Elysium Fields?”
Minos answered solemnly, “As a god, you would be given your own day within which you may admit your worshippers to whatever fate you decree appropriate to them.”
Tempting as that sounded, the only ‘worshippers’ that Yami no Malik had (using that term in its loosest sense) would be the shadows and assorted monsters. Besides, if he ruled the Realm of the Shadows, then why would he want to send them elsewhere? That would deplete his 'kingdom'. So instead of accepting, Yami no Malik shook his head. “No, I simply wish to discuss certain matters with one of the dead. That is all.”
A hasty conference was held, and at the end of it, Minos decreed “You may pass into the Elysium Fields, but your companion shall be sent to Tartarus for the many barbarous crimes that he has committed.”
Oh hell no. Yami no Bakura was not going to go to some place of punishment if Yami no Malik could get to Paradise and kill the Pharaoh. Especially not since Yami no Malik was every bit as cruel as him and most definitely no god. About to say as much to the judges who were already preoccupied with their next case, he was cut off by Yami no Malik who took his arm as they began to saunter towards the fork in the road behind the two thrones. Quietly, so that they wouldn’t be overhead, Yami no Malik stated, “You know what to do.”
“No I don’t!” The thief hissed in exasperation.
Calmly, stepping onto the grassy path and taking the thief along with him, Yami no Malik told him, “You will once it begins.”
…and Yami no Bakura had thought that working with Malik was bad. It was a positive walk in the park, compared to the way that Malik’s dark side behaved.
Sudden screeching was heard, and half-bird, half-women swooped down from the sky. They looked suspiciously like the Harpy Ladies, except foul and with matted hair.
Ah - apparently being attacked by them was what Yami no Malik had referred to as ‘it’, a conclusion that Yami no Bakura would have been happier to reach if he actually had anything upon him that he could use to defend himself with.
Not that it mattered. Judging from the sprint that he had broken into, Yami no Malik’s grand plan consisted of simply outrunning the flying birdwomen. Perhaps poor planning skills were contagious? Certainly Yami no Bakura didn’t remember Yami no Malik being this simplistic during Battle City. It made him a little embarrassed to have lost to someone who seemed to think that breaking into Paradise was as easy as outrunning a couple of bird-people… though really, Yami no Bakura was too busy running to be very embarrassed, but he did manage to pant out, “Now what?” Strange. You’d think that the dead wouldn’t get tired but nope, he was experiencing definite problems running so fast and talking at the same time.
“Keep running!” Yami no Malik yelled in return. Considering that to be the least helpful advice that he could have been given, Yami no Bakura was tempted to tell the other that, but settled for doing exactly that, trampling the flowers underfoot as he fled. The harpies were gaining on them though, beginning to make feints at them and screaming with delight as they did so. Suddenly, Yami no Malik’s hand slipped into his hand and the two of them were in the Shadow Realm once more.
Yanking his hand away as if he had been burnt, Yami no Bakura placed them on his thighs and leant over, simply breathing hard for a few minutes while he tried to get his breath back after the strenuous run. Finally straightening up, he rasped at the other, “What was the point of that? We’re back here again!”
Nodding, Yami no Malik calmly acknowledged that. “Yes, but we managed to make it almost halfway to the gates. Next time we return, we’ll be at where we were when we disappeared, instead of in front of the judges, and the harpies might not be alerted to us since we already stepped on the path once. It won’t be as if you were judged and went against the judgment.”
Vexingly, that made sense. After all, Yami no Malik was the one who knew how this Realm-jumping worked, and the thief had no choice but to accept that. And think of what he would to do to the Pharaoh once they reached him. Brushing his hair out of his face, grimacing with distaste as he felt it to be slightly sweaty, he inquired, “How long will it take the harpies to stop paying attention to that spot? I’m assuming that they won’t be pleased at having their prey simply disappear thusly.”
“Not all that long. After all, they do have other tasks to perform.” Yami no Malik replied, settling down in the same spot that he had been in when Yami no Bakura had so rudely burst in and disturbed his sulking. Instead of returning to sulking though, he glanced sideways at the thief, and informed in a deceptively light tone, “For the record, were we both to be judged as mortals, they would have found me to be much worse than you.”
A slight to his pride? Yami no Bakura most certainly wouldn’t stand for that. Arrogantly, he laughed. “You? You’ve spent most of your existence in this Realm. You barely spent a week in the Mortal Realm and the worst you ever do here is expel people from it! How could you possibly be worse than someone who had nearly two lifetimes within which to do whatever he pleased?”
Giving Yami no Bakura an amused, patronizingly smirk that hinted that Yami no Malik could explain his reasoning if he chose but simply didn’t think it worth his time, the golden-haired one answered succinctly, “Quality over quantity.”
“How trite.” The thief sneered, angered by the look on the other’s face. Aggressively, he demanded, “Weren’t you listening to the list of accomplishments that those judges recited? That alone should prove to you that I’m far worse than you!”
Taking a casual glance at the thief, and Yami no Malik stated in a mocking tone which made fun of the other’s line of reasoning, “You have fluffy hair. I don’t. ‘That alone should prove to you that I’m far worse than you!’”
“…” Too shocked by that line of reasoning to say anything at first, Yami no Bakura found himself actually trying to pet his hair down, then snatched his hands away and crossed his arms over his chest before inquiring in his most hostile manner, “Was that meant to be amusing? Because my hair is not fluffy. And even if it was - which it most definitely is not - it would still not prevent me from being evil.”
“All things fluffy are cute. Cute things are not evil. Ergo, you are not evil.” Yami no Malik drawled in a bored manner, more focused on wondering if the harpies would have given up yet than on the argument at hand.
Sarcastically, the thief demanded, “And I am meant to take that as you finding me ‘cute’?” Seconds later, as Yami no Malik arched an eyebrow at him, he was to regret that remark, a flush touching his cheeks. The shadow-born didn’t even need to say anything, the amused indifference evident in his eyes making it clear that yes, he was willing to apply such a scathing insult to the thief.
…suddenly, Yami no Bakura found himself wondering if he should hate the Pharaoh for having banished him to the Shadow Realm, or for having banished him to the Shadow Realm with Yami no Malik. Not that he had ever minded the other’s presence before, seeing it as it was a sure-fire guarantee of being returned to the Mortal Realm if he could sufficiently annoy the shadow-born, but right not, the thief was tempted to strangle the other.
Too bad that he needed the other to get them back onto that pathway.
As if on cue, Yami no Malik stood up again and dusted off his clothes once more, getting rid of the little strands of grass that had been clinging to his trousers. Holding his hand out to Yami no Bakura, he commanded in a tone that brooked no denial, “Come. It should be safe to return now.”
Muttering insults mentally, Yami no Bakura reluctantly placed in his hand within the other’s, taking a certain pleasure in digging his nails into Yami no Malik’s palm once they had arrived on the path once more. As expected, there were no harpies, making it possible for them to proceed down the path at a more natural pace. The sun was shining - or at least, there was plenty of light - the ground was grassy and flowers grew in abundance around them.
Were it not for the fact that they were off to kill someone who was already dead, and a definite sullen air hung around both of them, the scene could have been described as idyllic.
For a while, they walked in silence, then Yami no Bakura brought up a question that had been nagging at him for a while, “I can understand you traveling to the Mortal Realm since the Sennen Items are there, but why here?”
Not breaking his stride, Yami no Malik answered with a slight note of surprise in his tone, “My abilities have nothing to do with the Items. I can travel to wherever the shadows exist, for it’s from the shadows that I was born.”
A pause, then came the highly exasperated demand from a frustrated thief who was not having a good day at all, “Do you ever stop being so fucking dramatic? You’re worse than the Pharaoh!”
Startled, Yami no Malik started to laugh. That was not an inquiry he had to deal with before - and considering that Yami no Bakura’s usual greeting to him once he had appeared in the Shadow Realm was a long rant about the Pharaoh, the shadow born didn’t exactly think that Yami no Bakura was in the best position to accuse him of being dramatic.
This time, it was Yami no Bakura’s turn to sulk. Having what was meant to be a serious question provoke laughter was certainly grounds enough for a good sulk and besides, he couldn’t let Yami no Malik monopolize the field of sulking, could he now? Folding his arms over his chest, the thief stomped angrily down the path, taking a vicious delight in stepping on as many of the flowers as he could. Following behind the paler boy, Yami no Malik finally stopped laughing and pointed out with a chuckle, “Of course I’m worse than the Pharaoh - I’m evil, remember? As are you.”
The insult Yami no Bakura was about to snap along the lines of that they were meant to worse than the Pharaoh in a moral sense not when it came to unnecessary dramatics died as the implications of Yami no Malik’s statement struck him. When regarded in a certain light, it sounded almost like a compliment. Though obviously it couldn’t have been meant as such, considering Yami no Malik’s usual attitude. Then again -
“We’re here.” Yami no Malik announced quite unnecessarily as they passed through a wooden gate to find themselves on a boat that floated gently on the unmistakable waters of the Nile. This was interesting really, since the gate had looked as if it led into just another meadow, but Yami no Bakura supposed that the Pharaoh wouldn’t have the same idea of Paradise as did the drunken, carousing people that he had spotted in the far end of the field. Shame really - they had looked like they were having fun.
The sight of the Pharaoh talking animatedly with his court - and, Yami no Bakura noticed with a slight cringe, the father whose corpse he had desecrated back in ancient Egypt - snapped the thief out of those thoughts though. They seemed to have been unnoticed though, due to the slaves that flocked the ship, carrying platters of treats and drinks back and forth. Under his breath, Yami no Bakura muttered to Yami no Malik, “Do you actually have a proper plan this time or are we going to end up running once more?”
“I happen to have an excellent plan.” Yami no Malik replied quietly, dark indigo gaze trained on the Pharaoh, “We tell one of the slaves that another god - if they regard me as a God, then they probably consider him to be a demi-god at the least - wishes to talk to Pharaoh Atemu in private, and then we deal with him.”
“What do we do with the corpse afterwards - send it to the Shadow Realm for the Summoned Skull to devour?” Yami no Bakura suggested sarcastically.
A dark laugh answered that, Yami no Malik retorting, “What makes you think that there’ll be enough left of him to feed to anything?”
…that sounded good to the thief. Grabbing a loincloth-clad slave, he told him, “Inform your master that we wish to speak with him in private. Tell him that we too are gods.” Admittedly, he was only human but he refused to admit that Yami no Malik was better at him than anything - whether it be evil, immortality or simply fluffy-hair. Watching the slave scurry off, he dragged Yami no Malik towards the rear of the boat, making sure that they would be blocked from view of the court. For his efforts, he got a questioning look, resulting in him explaining, “Do you really want to battle the entire court once they realize who we are?”
Acknowledging that Yami no Bakura had a point, the golden psychopath nodded briefly, then leant against the railing, looking down at the waters thoughtfully. Wondering what was so interesting, Yami no Bakura looked down as well, which is why both of them missed the look of utterly horrified disgust that crossed the Pharaoh’s face once he saw their backs.
“You!” Atemu declared, stabbing at the air dramatically, self-righteous indignation written across his face as he stormed across the deck to glare up at both of them. “What are the two of you doing here? I refuse to believe that either of you actually earned admittance to Paradise.” Glowering angrily up at them, his air of authority was ruined somewhat by him absently adjusting the cloth wrapped around his waist, which had slipped a little from the force of his angry steps.
“Have you not heard? I am the darkness and the darkness always returns.” Of course, that statement would have made more sense if Yami no Bakura had ever been on this boat before, but it seemed a shame to waste a perfectly good catchphrase just because it was a tad inaccurate. “I’m here to extract my revenge on you for the village that you destroyed to make the Items, for killing my family, for orphaning me, for having me sealed away in the Ring, for sending me to the Shadow Realm so many times-”
“It’s all about you, isn’t it?” Yami no Malik interjected, spotting the perfect place to make his complaint. “I’m here to complain about the fact that you constantly keep sending that mortal to my Realm. What do you think the Shadow Realm is- a garbage disposal unit?”
”Hey!” The thief objected, eyes widening with shock at being referred to as garbage. This was not what he had expected to have to listen to. It was supposed to be Atemu being insulted, not him! “I am not garbage - do I look like garbage to you?”
“Yes.” Atemu replied briefly, unable to resist. The thief had set himself up for that one, after all. That done, he informed Yami no Bakura, “As for your village, that was the fault of the brother of my father. Go repeat yourself at him.” Then turned his attention Yami no Malik, “And you should be glad of the company. Would you prefer that I sent you a duck instead?”
Temporarily stunned by the news that he had been blaming the wrong person for most of his existence, Yami no Bakura didn’t even ask why a duck, but instead just stared at the Pharaoh, too in shock to even do as suggested and accost Atemu’s uncle. Ignoring him, Yami no Malik arched a dark golden eyebrow at Atemu, “Strangely enough, I fail to believe that your motive for sending the thief to my realm was that you did not wish me to be lonely and thought that it would be best to ascertain that I would have suitable company. Leaving aside the issue of if the thief is suitable company, of course.”
With a shrug, watching Yami no Bakura warily, Atemu pointed out, “Regardless of my motives, the fact remains that he certainly can’t stay here and therefore ends up at your Realm by default since that is where I had condemned him to. Therefore, I would suggest you simply get used to it - there are worse persons whom you could have been encumbered with. At least the thief is reasonably attractive - I’d call him intelligent as well, but anyone who spends their second chance at life pursuing the wrong person for vengeance doesn’t fit that description.”
“'Reasonably attractive’?! And are you implying that I’m unintelligent?!” In his own way, Yami no Bakura was quite pleased that Atemu had just insulted him. After all, that gave him a reason to hate the Pharaoh, and admittedly, the reason wasn’t quite as good as all the reasons that he had just lost, but at least it was something to cling to. Not to mention that stating the thief was only ‘reasonably’ attractive had just made whatever chance the Pharaoh might have ever had with him slip from ‘impossible’ to ‘die for even thinking of it’.
Taking a moment to think about it, his attention still on the thief instead of the shadow spirit, Atemu answered, “Perhaps not so much unintelligent as misinformed, but that doesn’t matter since the two of you share common interests at least.” That particular statement caused both Yami no Bakura and Yami no Malik to give Atemu suspicious looks, neither of them willing to believe that Atemu was truly trying to make them happy.
The Pharaoh merely arched an eyebrow at them, and smiled enigmatically. Atemu wanting them to be happy was obviously out of the question but Atemu wanting to get rid of them and make sure that they wouldn’t come back? That made more sense, especially if one considered that he couldn’t actually banish them to the Shadow Realm now that he no longer possessed the Items. Not that it occurred to either of them to realize that, Yami no Bakura because he was still in minor shock from the revelation that he’d been pursuing the wrong person, and Yami no Malik because it wouldn’t occur to him to do something like that.
“Our common interests seem to be limited to slaughter, torture, the gaining of power and revenge against you - none of which can be effectively carried out in the Shadow Realm.” Yami no Malik argued finally, seeing as the thief didn’t seem to be about to say anything and their silence was beginning to make them look foolish. Not that the shadow born knew exactly how the conversation had changed from him condemning the Pharaoh for abusing the Shadow Realm to Yami no Bakura’s potential as a partner of sorts.
“Which is precisely why the two of you would benefit from some time alone in the Shadow Realm - you could discover other interests the two of you share.” Atemu suggested smoothly. Not for nothing had he been able to run an entire court on his own. Compared to that, matchmaking two stubborn spirits ought to be easy - and if that failed, he could always see what happened when undead were fed to crocodiles. Though considering that the crocodiles weren’t really alive either, would they even have appetites?
“…” Complete silence greeted that idea, coupled with near-identical looks of disbelief. Finally, Yami no Bakura asked the question that was in both of their minds, “Are you trying to suggest that Yami no Malik and I become friends?” The emphasis he put on the word made it clear that he considered the idea to be every bit as likely as say, him deciding to learn how to fly by jumping from a very high place with a pillowcase in his hands to use as a parachute.
“No, no, of course not.” Atemu hastily reassured them, waiting for the almost imperceptible sighs of relief before continuing on, “I’m suggesting that you leave this place, return to the Shadow Realm and become lovers.”
It was at that point that Atemu found himself being a) pushed overboard and b) attacked by crocodiles.
In all the commotion caused by the court trying to save him, nobody noticed Yami no Bakura and Yami no Malik disappearing back to the Shadow Realm. Once there, Yami no Malik flopped down in his usual spot, more angrily than usual. “I’ve always known the Pharaoh was a fool, but it never occurred to me that he’d be insane as well. If it’s possibly to think of a more ridiculous notion than that, I don’t know what it could be!”
Yami no Malik continued to rant on in that same vein while the other watched him thoughtfully. True, it was interesting to have their roles reversed but really, it wasn’t that which put such a contemplative light in Yami no Bakura’s eyes. No, he had something much more pleasant than simply dismembering the Pharaoh on his mind… Waiting until Yami no Malik appeared to be finished, Yami no Bakura stretched out next to him, and smirked. “Are you quite done?”
“Considering that I’ve exhausted this language’s possibilities of describing the depths of the Pharaoh’s idiocy, yes.” Yami no Malik snapped back, unable to see why the thief was so amused. Yami no Bakura’s smirk widened as he answered, “I fail to see why the suggestion was stupid.”
And before Yami no Malik could start off on another rant, the thief leaned over to press his lips against the other’s, quite effectively quenching any protests. At least for a few moments, until Yami no Malik pushed him off, then propped himself up on one elbow to half-glare, half-smirk at the thief. “Just because the Pharaoh is stupid doesn’t mean that his ideas are.”
About to resume kissing the thief, he was surprised to have Yami no Bakura push him away and be the one to glare this time, “You interrupted a perfectly good kiss to say that? I told you your sense of the dramatic was overdeveloped.”
“… I hope you’re not going to argue with me while we’re actually having sex.” Yami no Malik settled for saying, starting to unfasten the clasps of his cloak.
With a smirk, the paler boy replied, “I’d prefer having you talk dirty.”
“Only if I’m seme.” The other retorted quickly, making it clear that he didn’t think he needed to negotiate for that anyway.
Yami no Bakura snorted, “In your dreams.”
“How did you ever guess?” Yami no Malik drawled with a smirk, then decided to stop talking and get down to the far more pleasant business of seeing how loud he could make the thief scream. Besides, maybe this way the thief would forget about what he had requested in exchange for agreeing to be uke - not that Yami no Bakura had actually formally agreed, but the shadow born was counting on the thief being too distracted to object at that point. So with that end in mind, he pushed the other back down and managed quite successfully to quell any reply that Yami no Bakura might have had with a series of kisses.
…unfortunately for Yami no Malik, he had barely started stripping the other before being pushed off again. Now getting thoroughly frustrated at the constant interruptions to apparently anything he tried, Yami no Malik glared at the other heatedly and demanded in a highly exasperated tone, “Now what?!”
Defensively, Yami no Bakura pointed behind the other and said, “There are monsters watching us!” With a sigh, the shadow born turned around to see that what the mortal had said was indeed true - there was an interested-looking group of assorted monsters standing not too far away from them. And strangely enough, munching on popcorn. Dismissing the thought of where they could have got the popcorn from, Yami no Malik rolled his eyes and made a flapping gesture with his hand at them, indicating that he wanted them to leave. Instead, they waved back.
…obviously he’d need to switch tactics.
Getting up to his feet and holding his hand out to the other, Yami no Malik explained casually, “Yes, the Shadow Realm tends to get a little dull - I suppose they thought that we would make a good show. It’s somewhat difficult to get any privacy here.”
Eyes narrowed, Yami no Bakura stated stubbornly, “I am not going to do anything with you as long as they’re watching. Isn’t there anywhere in this Realm that we can be alone?”
“Unfortunately, no.” Yami no Malik curled his hand around the other’s, then smirked. “But I can think of somewhere better than this…” That said, they disappeared.
~*~
Obviously, it was a good thing that Yami no Malik and Yami no Bakura had listened to Atemu. As the Pharaoh, his words were law and therefore, he was naturally pleased that they had finally seen the wisdom of paying attention to him and following his suggestions.
However, he did not need to have them prove it with an actual demonstration!
~Fin~