The frown deepens somewhat when he maneuvers me to sit on his lap. It's only the knowledge that he does this to feel comforted himself that stops me from getting off and sitting down elsewhere. Not that I don't like sitting in his lap, but not under these circumstances. It makes me feel as though I'm weak, and small and not at all on equal footing. Which is my own fault for feeling that way I suppose so I don't mention it, but I'm not utterly comfortable either.
Then again with the talk we're going to have, I doubt anyone would.
Although, considering the slew of words from Angel's mouth you wouldn't say that at all. He has me blinking and looking at him somewhat confused. I'm not at all used to Angel talking so much - Oh I know he can do it, had done before, but it takes my by surprise every time. This time it's not any different and I actually have to shake myself to pay attention.
Wait. What? Where he fits in? I think that's pretty damn obvious. He's the father! He's Connor's father and no one else! That's where he fits in! But before I can get any sort of word in he motors on like a steamroller on crack. Probably afraid he'll run out of words before he'll get the important things said.
"That would indicate that you do care," I say softly when he's finally done. A smile tugs the corners of my lips at those last words. Doesn't care *but* it has to be mine. A walking contradiction my Angel is at times. I wonder if Wolfram and Hart would have that much power over him if he were legal. But making him legal would mean a whole hell lot of other problems. It's astonishing how governments work. Or don't work I should say.
"Angel, love, we had already established that I was to become the legal guardian or-or the father, whatever you're more comfortable with. But I do want to you know that it's not something I'll be comfortable with just like that. It's-- taking care of a child, having so much responsibility that takes a lot of courage. I'm not yet sure I have that. But I'm sure *we* both have enough of courage *together* to take care of Connor."
Our son. *That'll* need some more time to get used to.
"We still need to put a mother on the papers for them to be legal. We could-- I don't know. Could we make someone up?"
I smile back at him, reaching up to brush fingers over his cheek. He's so adorable when he looks at me so softly like that. "Maybe we could find a woman who just died recently? Someone without any family for Wolfram and Hart to find and have them want her child. We could look through the obituaries, find a young woman and that way no one could refute that his mother existed?" I suggest, not even sure if that would work either. "Or make someone up," I add.
"I know we talked about the guardian thing, but I wanted you to know that I'm sure about this. I'm not going to change my mind some day, or be mad at you for being his legal father," I try to reassure him, giving him words that he can hold onto. It might be hard for me to always get the right words out, but I know he needs them "I know this is a lot to spring on you, and you don't have to be ready right now. I know I'm not, but...if this legal thing could wait, you know I'd let you take your time, let you get more comfortable about the idea... I won't push you to call him yours or your son. We've got time for that." My fingers brush through his hair gently. "I do think we can do this *together* though," I add, looking at him warmly for the faith he's already shown in us.
My arms wrap around him more securely. "And you're right, I do care about his name." Of course he would catch me on something like that. Just like he always does. "I just mean it doesn't matter if he's a Wyndam-Pryce or a Pryce. I just want us to be a family together. I don't want you to think you're an outsider," I murmur, looking at him to see what he thinks about that. "I need you with me," I say, eyes shining a little. I do. They're both important to me and I never want Wes to think he takes second place. They're both equally important. I may never be able to have another son, but I'll never have another Wes either.
That frown is not about to leave my face any time soon is it? Either it be of worry or because I'm thinking to hard. I'm not sure if finding someone in the obituaries will work. You never know what sort of secrets someone carries with them. If anyone could find out Wolfram and Hart can. Not to destroy any relation ship obviously, but it could hurt us none the less.
"I think we should make someone up so we can control everything. Her past, her name, her-- well everything," I tell him thoughtfully. My mind is already whirling over several possibilities, her name being the least important. Could be some girl I met and my parents didn't approve of. That's not even such a far stretch from the truth. I'd better not think about that to much before I get caught up in my own imaginary soap. Good lord, the things we need to be thinking of to give Connor a secure and safe future.
We really are going to need everyone for this. Gunn, Cordelia, Lorne-- everyone. And I should focus on Angel. Which is hard to do when he's touching me again, especially like that. I try to listen to him and not get distracted by his touches. Not an easy task when he runs his fingers through my hair. Almost as though he's trying to soothe and calm me, as though he's still afraid I'll up and run away. I'm guessing it's going to take some time for both of us not to be afraid of that.
I smile softly at his words, even though I know I'll be an outsider at times. I'll always come second to Connor and that's fine. The way it should be. But Angel will feel like an outsider at times as well, maybe even more so then I. Something I don't think he yet realizes. He may think he does, but he's not yet hit with the full force of the consequences of what he's giving up.
"I'm not going anywhere," I assure him. I'm not, unless he wants me to. "Although, I do feel sorry for the boy. Having to carry the name Wyndam-Pryce, which is what it'll have to be if we go down the-- ah-- route where I'm the legal father." No. Still not filtering fully through that.
I nod as he says we should make someone up so that we can control everything. It makes sense. Though...part of me wants to suggest we give the mother Darla's name somewhere, even her middle name or something. I know, I know it's stupid, and it will only upset Wes, but she did carry the boy to term, and she brought him to us. I think some part of her wanted to get him back here to me. She could have gone to Wolfram and Hart, gotten them to take the kid out, or someone, anyone else. I know she tried to kill him, and she would have too if she'd survived, but that one little moment when her face softened while she looked at that ultrasound... It seems like Connor should know who she was even if she- I don't know, it's probably best that there's no trace back to her. No link to anything possibly supernatural that might give away Connor's true origins.
And I don't want Wes to think that I'm still hung up on Darla.
So I just hold him and keep my mouth shut.
"Good," I murmur, feeling like maybe we got some important things resolved and I can get away with nuzzling him just a little. I don't want him going anywhere. I don't want him thinking this baby changes his position in my life.
"You could change your name," I suggest lightly. I don't think that will happen, but he does seem bothered by the Wyndam-Pryce business. "Or we could simply use Pryce. Maybe the mother didn't like the Wyndam either." I give him a gentle teasing smile. "They can't prove anything just because your names don't match exactly."
My fingers move along his waist lightly, without me really even thinking about it. "Thank you," I murmur softly. "For doing this even though you don't feel comfortable about it yet." I can't even think of how else to tell him how grateful I am that he's willing to take legal responsibility for Connor. It's a big deal and maybe I shouldn't have been so ready to push it on him. He's the only one that could though. And I know he'll be a great dad if he can ever forget that Connor is mine by blood.
"Good," I repeat dumbly, feeling very much exhausted. I can't hear Lorne or Connor in the other room, but I've no doubt Angel can. Probably listening like a hawk for any sounds from the boy that may seem he's in distress. Considering he nor I know what babies are supposed to sound like, I'm thinking any sound in the near future might have us running. That probably wont be very good either.
Goodness, I'm already thinking about what's and the why's, the when’s, the... There's so much to think of when it comes to children. Especially if they're your responsibility. And this isn't just watching the boy. God no, this is raising the boy. With all the morals and the difference between right and wrong, teaching him manners, all that comes with it. Quite the task and I wonder how hundreds of people all over the world manage.
"Hmmm?" Torn out of my thoughts I look at him puzzled for a moment until he suggestion filters through. I smile softly at him, hand coming up to brush the back of it over his face. "I'm sure she would have," I murmur. Hell, if this is a supposed woman whom my parents did not approve of, you can bet she wouldn't have liked the double name.
"But if I legally want to change my name I'd have to go back to England." My father would find out and I may not like it, but deep, deep down I still want the mans approval. His respect. Coming back to England to have my name legally changed? I doubt that's what'll do the trick. I know it doesn't matter and I know I'll never get that from him. I can't help but hope though.
"I'm afraid Connor will be stuck with Wyndam-Pryce. Unless the mother gave her last name. My goodness, this is getting complicated. Perhaps we should think about this. We can't bloody well get anything done tonight. Can we?"
Lorne will have to help us with the papers. Of course I know a lot of addresses as well. Together we should be able to come up with something. Not tonight though. Not right now. Right now I just want to sleep and forget about this entire night. At least the horrible parts of it, which were quite a lot.
"We should probably get back to Connor," I say. I'd like to get off his lap now - comfortable and safe as it feels - be on more equal footing so to speak. "I'm sure you're anxious to get back to him," I tell him, a soft smile slipping back on my face.
Then again with the talk we're going to have, I doubt anyone would.
Although, considering the slew of words from Angel's mouth you wouldn't say that at all. He has me blinking and looking at him somewhat confused. I'm not at all used to Angel talking so much - Oh I know he can do it, had done before, but it takes my by surprise every time. This time it's not any different and I actually have to shake myself to pay attention.
Wait. What? Where he fits in? I think that's pretty damn obvious. He's the father! He's Connor's father and no one else! That's where he fits in! But before I can get any sort of word in he motors on like a steamroller on crack. Probably afraid he'll run out of words before he'll get the important things said.
"That would indicate that you do care," I say softly when he's finally done. A smile tugs the corners of my lips at those last words. Doesn't care *but* it has to be mine. A walking contradiction my Angel is at times. I wonder if Wolfram and Hart would have that much power over him if he were legal. But making him legal would mean a whole hell lot of other problems. It's astonishing how governments work. Or don't work I should say.
"Angel, love, we had already established that I was to become the legal guardian or-or the father, whatever you're more comfortable with. But I do want to you know that it's not something I'll be comfortable with just like that. It's-- taking care of a child, having so much responsibility that takes a lot of courage. I'm not yet sure I have that. But I'm sure *we* both have enough of courage *together* to take care of Connor."
Our son. *That'll* need some more time to get used to.
"We still need to put a mother on the papers for them to be legal. We could-- I don't know. Could we make someone up?"
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"I know we talked about the guardian thing, but I wanted you to know that I'm sure about this. I'm not going to change my mind some day, or be mad at you for being his legal father," I try to reassure him, giving him words that he can hold onto. It might be hard for me to always get the right words out, but I know he needs them "I know this is a lot to spring on you, and you don't have to be ready right now. I know I'm not, but...if this legal thing could wait, you know I'd let you take your time, let you get more comfortable about the idea... I won't push you to call him yours or your son. We've got time for that." My fingers brush through his hair gently. "I do think we can do this *together* though," I add, looking at him warmly for the faith he's already shown in us.
My arms wrap around him more securely. "And you're right, I do care about his name." Of course he would catch me on something like that. Just like he always does. "I just mean it doesn't matter if he's a Wyndam-Pryce or a Pryce. I just want us to be a family together. I don't want you to think you're an outsider," I murmur, looking at him to see what he thinks about that. "I need you with me," I say, eyes shining a little. I do. They're both important to me and I never want Wes to think he takes second place. They're both equally important. I may never be able to have another son, but I'll never have another Wes either.
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"I think we should make someone up so we can control everything. Her past, her name, her-- well everything," I tell him thoughtfully. My mind is already whirling over several possibilities, her name being the least important. Could be some girl I met and my parents didn't approve of. That's not even such a far stretch from the truth. I'd better not think about that to much before I get caught up in my own imaginary soap. Good lord, the things we need to be thinking of to give Connor a secure and safe future.
We really are going to need everyone for this. Gunn, Cordelia, Lorne-- everyone. And I should focus on Angel. Which is hard to do when he's touching me again, especially like that. I try to listen to him and not get distracted by his touches. Not an easy task when he runs his fingers through my hair. Almost as though he's trying to soothe and calm me, as though he's still afraid I'll up and run away. I'm guessing it's going to take some time for both of us not to be afraid of that.
I smile softly at his words, even though I know I'll be an outsider at times. I'll always come second to Connor and that's fine. The way it should be. But Angel will feel like an outsider at times as well, maybe even more so then I. Something I don't think he yet realizes. He may think he does, but he's not yet hit with the full force of the consequences of what he's giving up.
"I'm not going anywhere," I assure him. I'm not, unless he wants me to. "Although, I do feel sorry for the boy. Having to carry the name Wyndam-Pryce, which is what it'll have to be if we go down the-- ah-- route where I'm the legal father." No. Still not filtering fully through that.
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And I don't want Wes to think that I'm still hung up on Darla.
So I just hold him and keep my mouth shut.
"Good," I murmur, feeling like maybe we got some important things resolved and I can get away with nuzzling him just a little. I don't want him going anywhere. I don't want him thinking this baby changes his position in my life.
"You could change your name," I suggest lightly. I don't think that will happen, but he does seem bothered by the Wyndam-Pryce business. "Or we could simply use Pryce. Maybe the mother didn't like the Wyndam either." I give him a gentle teasing smile. "They can't prove anything just because your names don't match exactly."
My fingers move along his waist lightly, without me really even thinking about it. "Thank you," I murmur softly. "For doing this even though you don't feel comfortable about it yet." I can't even think of how else to tell him how grateful I am that he's willing to take legal responsibility for Connor. It's a big deal and maybe I shouldn't have been so ready to push it on him. He's the only one that could though. And I know he'll be a great dad if he can ever forget that Connor is mine by blood.
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Goodness, I'm already thinking about what's and the why's, the when’s, the... There's so much to think of when it comes to children. Especially if they're your responsibility. And this isn't just watching the boy. God no, this is raising the boy. With all the morals and the difference between right and wrong, teaching him manners, all that comes with it. Quite the task and I wonder how hundreds of people all over the world manage.
"Hmmm?" Torn out of my thoughts I look at him puzzled for a moment until he suggestion filters through. I smile softly at him, hand coming up to brush the back of it over his face. "I'm sure she would have," I murmur. Hell, if this is a supposed woman whom my parents did not approve of, you can bet she wouldn't have liked the double name.
"But if I legally want to change my name I'd have to go back to England." My father would find out and I may not like it, but deep, deep down I still want the mans approval. His respect. Coming back to England to have my name legally changed? I doubt that's what'll do the trick. I know it doesn't matter and I know I'll never get that from him. I can't help but hope though.
"I'm afraid Connor will be stuck with Wyndam-Pryce. Unless the mother gave her last name. My goodness, this is getting complicated. Perhaps we should think about this. We can't bloody well get anything done tonight. Can we?"
Lorne will have to help us with the papers. Of course I know a lot of addresses as well. Together we should be able to come up with something. Not tonight though. Not right now. Right now I just want to sleep and forget about this entire night. At least the horrible parts of it, which were quite a lot.
"We should probably get back to Connor," I say. I'd like to get off his lap now - comfortable and safe as it feels - be on more equal footing so to speak. "I'm sure you're anxious to get back to him," I tell him, a soft smile slipping back on my face.
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