Rush what, he says. Of course he would. I knew he wasn't ready. Wes isn't even thinking about marriage. He probably thinks I wouldn't want to. I'd give Wes anything though, and that would be such a tiny thing to give, even though it would be big for him. Huge even, I'd wager. I wonder if it would make him feel more at ease about us, if it might give his mind a break, wondering all the time if he's not supposed to be with me.
But now is definitely not the time for that discussion. Now is the Connor name game discussion...which is important, but I'd be happier if Wes and I could talk about this privately and I could convince him that there are at least *two* very good reasons that I should not be a legal anything. It's better that I don't exist, and it's better for the two of them along with the rest of the gang that I don't exist. God, I don't even want to imagine Wolfram and Hart trying to put me on trial for Angelus' crimes. They probably couldn't, but the thought that they would try...it makes me shudder inside.
"Of course," I say back, feeling warm again when he calls me love, even if he says it a little haltingly. "We do need to get him sorted out, but," I nod here, squeezing the hand that has so smoothly insinuated it's way into mine, "you're right, looks like he's sleepy," I murmur, eyes catching on the softness of his baby skin and the way his eyelashes keep dipping closed against his cheek. Still trying to hang onto Wes' finger though. I can see his grip getting looser, but he's still trying. Probably likes the warmth, I think with a smile.
"Umm, so where should we put him?" I ask, looking around the room for our non-existant crib. We could put him on the bed with us? Or is that dangerous? I wouldn't want to roll over on him. In a dresser drawer? They're big and they've got four sides...we could put some padding around so it wouldn't hurt him. But, uhh, I think I'll leave that decision to the experts here.
The boy looks very sleepy. In fact I'm surprised he's still clutching my finger. When it comes to that he does resemble his father, always trying to hold on tight, even when your body is about to give up on you. And good how hard is it going to be whenever we go anywhere with Connor and-and-- people say what they usually do around babies?
With my being the guardian or the - this is something my brain has trouble coping with - legally the father? They're going to be cooing over the boy and saying how much he resembles me and ask about his mother. How painful is that going to be for Angel? Connor is *his* son, that has to be so very painful. To have a son but never being able to brag about the boy outside of our family?
And what do we say about the mother? I'm almost tempted to suggest we make Gunn and Cordelia the fake parents, but that would never work. For one, Gunn's skin color would be a dead give away. For another, the boy has blue eyes, which neither of them has. In fact, I'm the only one around how has blue eyes. Must've inherited those from Darla. It's-- strangely ironic to realize he and I are the only ones here with blue eyes. None of the others have.
Why am I even thinking about this? Good lord.
"P-Put him?" *That* question tears me out of me reverie and I look around utterly clueless. I've-- no idea. We don't have anything for the boy! Aside from what I got him at the store and that's not even close to the basics. I hope Cordelia comes home soon so she can go shopping. She *will* kill us if there are cute little things to be bought and she's not the one who got them.
"Like this, Tall, dark and clueless," Lorne interrupts, giving us both a look that clearly screams 'aren't you two adorable but so, so stupid at times'. He strolls over to the bed, grabbing the big pillows, pulling down the covers and making a little box right there.
Oh. Oh, I suppose that should-- "That simple? Really?"
"That simple, crumpet, really," Lorne remarks, which is when I realize I said that out loud. "There ya go, Angel. Put the little muffin in here, he can toss and turn all he wants without any fear or dangers."
"How do you know so much about these things?" I ask, in obvious awe.
"Trade secret," Lorne grins. "Now, you wanna go somewhere else for this big pow-wow so you wont wake up the little prince? I'll stay here and watch him, but keep the door open. Cause the last thing we need is more incommunicado interrupto from you two."
Blinking as Lorne readies the bed for Connor, I look over at Wes and see him blinking and gaping too. I marvel at Lorne's ease with parenthood along with Wes, wondering where these skills came from. It takes me a moment to move so that we can put Connor to bed. A little noise escapes him at the loss of Wes' finger, I think and I freeze for a second before laying him gently in his makeshift little bed.
I think we all look at him for several seconds wondering our own thoughts about this tiny little miracle. I'm going to have to get used to this new baby smell. Leaning down, I give his forehead the softest kiss as he makes little baby grunting noises while he settles down.
Oh, and Wes and I are going to talk now. And without Connor in the room? He wants me to let the little guy out of my sight? Not that I don't trust Lorne, who obviously knows more about child-rearing than I or Wes does, but... Connor looks so peaceful there on the bed. I want to go lie down there with him. And talk with his other dad.
Well, there's not exactly anywhere else for us to go in here unless we go in the bathroom, and that is the *last* place I want to have an important discussion with Wes given our track record. "Do you want to go to your library?" I ask looking at Wes and then back at Connor. It's only right next door, but our other altrenative is the kitchen which gives us no door to close and no privacy.
"You'll have to use that excellent hearing you've got," I say giving Lorne a look that says, I'm playing your little game, but I'm doing it my way. "Not keeping the door open," I tell him. Yes, Wes and I have been known to miscommunicate, but- I want a little privacy! Life altering event here and we've got to have everyone's input? Feeling just a little bit overexposed here.
He twitched, Angel I mean, the moment Lorne suggested he leave Connor alone. I could see it from the corner of my eyes. That was going to be troublesome. Of course I'm well aware that most new parents are weary of leaving their children with anyone, but they usually had nine months to work themselves into such a state. Angel had exactly a few hours. Less then a day. And already he was feeling so very protective toward the child. Yes, I felt the need to protect Connor as well, but I trusted Lorne to look after the boy. Especially since he'd already shown to be so much better at this then either Angel or myself.
The voice in the back of my mind murmured the question of who was more important. Connor, or I. Part of me knew that Connor was more important and always should be. He was an innocent child after all. Angel's son. But another part of me almost couldn't hold back the relieved sigh when Angel suggested we go to my library. Though I have to say I'm a bit weary at closing the door, considering our track-record when it comes to important conversations.
Angel apparently had enough of Lorne, I on the other hand couldn't be more grateful to our green demon friend. I'd not forgotten how he'd been there to cheer me up - or try to - when Angel had been gone all that time after Buffy died. And that was another thing we were going to have to talk about. Buffy. She should be told this. It would be unfair she'd hear it from some sort of rumor mill. In my opinion at the very least. They still loved each other very much, and that gives her certain rights.
At the moment though? We have bigger problems ahead of us. I watched Angel walk out the door, giving more then one lingering look at his boy. Making sure Connor was still safe, or sleeping, or whatever he was looking for. I changed a look with Lorne, sighed and followed Angel out the room and into the library. I, not having made any promise to Lorne, kept the door open a crack. Deliberately. Or did Angel really think there was privacy to be had when we both were going to need all the help we could get with Connor?
Not in my life-time. Neither of us knows what they're doing. Not only do we need Lorne's help, but the others as well. And if Lorne really wanted to barge in and interrupt us with his remarks, he'd not have send us out of the room.
"Well," I murmured, running hand through my hair. This day was starting to wear me down. I was still somewhat shaking with what I'd done. Still wondering when Angel's mind would have worked through Connor being here and be ready to deal with my killing Darla.
"We have a lot of decisions to make." I almost said 'you' there, still trying to get used to Angel wanting to call Connor 'our son'. Does he really think that out of the blue you can think of some strange child - which what Connor basically is - and have 'parental feeling's toward him? That's asking a bit much, but not something Angel seems to comprehend. So I'm picking my words very, very carefully.
It'll come, I'm sure. Once *my* mind is ready to deal with the next step.
"Lorne is right. We need papers for the boy, making him legal so they can't come to take him away. We have several options of course," I explain, telling Angel the choices in a business like way.
"We can put on parents on his papers, thus making him an orphan. I'm not in favor or this for several reasons." He'd, legally, have no connection to Angel. "A third party could easily take him away from-from us. We can put parents on the paper, and you've already suggested my being the-- the father or uh, guardian." And that's something my mind is not yet ready to deal with. "But whom do we register as the mother?"
And I'm already running much to far with this aren't I? "Uhm... I'm sorry, I seem to be babbling. Err... Did-have you any ideas?"
Something about having the two of us alone makes me feel 100% better about everything. If I listen just right, I could still hear Connor and Lorne while Wes and I are in the next room. And having Wes with me? Always better. We both simply stand there in the other room for a few moments, neither of us really ready? or maybe not up to having this discussion, but I can see Wes wanting to push our way through it, get this solved, get us all safe.
Which he does by putting on his 'head of a detective agency' voice, always the clear-headed, calm sounding, confident voice. He explains our options and he makes good points, important points, and I listen. As much as I hear the sound logic behind all of this, I also hear the babbling, the panic and doubt ready to surface along with the need to protect, protect, protect. And as much as I might hate to admit it, I know all of that protectiveness is really directed at me, not Connor. He's looking out for me, doing what he knows best. Because that's what Wes does. He protects me, and most often it's from myself.
Taking the few steps necessary to get close to him, I put my hand on his arm again, gently. "I do have some ideas, but... come here," I murmur gently pulling him close to wrap my arms around him. See, this is what *I* do. I protect Wes. And now Connor. But right now Wes needs a little anchoring or he's going to worry and flutter himself off into the atmosphere.
"I love you," I tell him finally, hand coming up to brush over his cheek. "None of this changes that," I add, stroking my thumb over his cheek, his lips. "You're mine," I tell him too, wanting to reinforce everything I couldn't say there in front of Lorne. "Not letting you go," comes out softly, still wanting to comfort him in the face of all this sudden change.
Good bloody god, I'm just waiting for all of this to catch up with me and making me trip. Have me tumbling down a path that'll only lead to - hopefully - my own destruction. I don't mean to say that I want that, but if it's only my own and no one else’s - Angel and Connor's being in the forefront of my mind - then I might be able to live with it. That what I'm waiting for. The world as I've come to know it and started to love to come crumbling down.
That's what always happens. Almost like destiny. Not as mystic and important as Angel's but there nevertheless. An Angel who does have a few idea's. And here I am, babbling on and on and on and-- I could just kick myself if I were that flexible. Of *course* Angel has idea's, this his bloody son we're talking about!
Though what my coming closer to him has anything to do with that-- Oh.
It's like coming home. At least, this is what I imagine coming home to feel like. Since I've never had a home until now I don't really know what it feels like. But this has to be it. That feeling of warmth and security and love which wraps around me when his arms does. Unlike anything I've ever felt before. It's wonderful, it's fantastic, it's confusing and it's... so much there are no words.
I look into his eyes, my own far to wide and somewhat misty at his next words. Now he says it. There's this small voice mocking that Sure, *now* he can say it, but I ignore it. I just stare at him, letting those words sink in, mulling them over in my mind, fully realizing that Angel is *not* a man of words when it comes to expressing himself. Though saying 'I love you' in front of friends shouldn't be that hard.
There's a smile slipping on my face. And even if it's not as bright and beaming feeling, it should be. My hands come up to cup his face as I shuffle closer. "Kiss me please?" I ask, pretending not to notice how much I sound like a girl, nor the tremble in my voice.
The moment my arms are around him, I can feel him, see him visibly relax. It makes me relax too. We're going to do this, and we're going to be able to handle this. Having only moments to come to grips with being a parent is exhausting and impossible for anyone, but I think we're going to make it, whatever happens. Whatever doubts creep in, whatever problems come up. I think we're going to make it.
The look on Wes' face tells me that I'm not wrong, that he has faith in us, this, me, that we can handle this. And we've got friends to help us even if I'm never the best about letting them do that. As is obvious from what just happen. But I'm glad they're there and I'm glad Wes is here. Right here. In my arms.
"Always," I murmur, eyelids flickering at the comforting feel of his warm hands on my face. I tighten my hold on him, pulling him as close as possible, until our lips are a breath apart. I tilt my chin just a fraction and there's that spark that always happens when our mouths touch. That sensation that makes me feel warm all over. I kiss him slowly, gently, as lovingly as I can. Nothing like the crushing kiss when he said he loved me in front of Lorne, but with just as much feeling.
It seems like hours pass as we kiss, tongues brushing softly, deepening the kiss, and it's only the reminder of Wes' hot, alive mouth that makes me remember to pull back. Flushed cheeks, warm breath against my lips. He's mine. And I'm not letting him go. "Love you," I murmur again, leaning my forehead against his.
My brain will turn off, is what I'm thinking only moments before his lips touch mine. Of course deep down I knew that when I asked him to kiss me, and maybe that's why I asked. There's just so much to think about. For Connor, or Angel, for the others. So many things we'll need to take into account to ensure the safety of everyone here, not just Connor. That maybe, just maybe I wanted to stop thinking for a little while. Not feel as though the sole responsibility rests on my shoulders.
Which it's not, I know, but that's how I feel at the moment. There's so much going on, so much happening all at once that it's more then a little bit overwhelming. Angel being here, holding me like this, is helping me more then he'll ever know. And so does this kiss when it's finally happening.
My eyes close, hands sliding from his face into his hair. I press myself closer, much closer then seems possible. I need my anchor right now even if it's not very fair to Angel. He has more then enough to deal with as well. But as the kiss goes on all those thoughts leave my mind and all that's left is him. And me. Us. Kissing, just like we've done so many times before and yet not.
Lack of air on my side makes us pull back. Or rather makes Angel pull back, since I could have happily go on kissing for quite some time. Maybe until I fainted. Tongue darts out to lick my lips, catching any lingering taste from Angel I hope to find. Dazed eyes find his and I was very, very right. My brain is not functioning fully any longer.
"Yes," I whisper, closing my eyes when I still feel him so near. "Love you too." And there's a little boy one room away we need to talk about, but right now I just want to stand here. In his arms, feeling safe and as if there's no care in the world.
His tongue sneaks out to lick his lips and I smile. This is good. I like seeing him without so much worry in his eyes. I know it's still there - I *know* I'm not that good that I can actually get rid of his worry with just some kisses - but at least it's fuzzier and he looks better for it. If I could, we'd make love right now so that I could really turn off his brain and then think about things on my own while he got some rest. But it's not the time, and we should talk together, I think.
Doesn't stop me from brushing lips against his again and then the corner of his mouth and his cheek. I sigh softly and rub my hand against his waist. I know we need to talk, but another few minutes can't hurt, can they? I keep holding him, feeling that he's liking this as much as I am since he hasn't made a move to start talking or to pull away yet.
His temple gets nuzzled after we float for a while just holding each other. It feels good, just holding onto each other. Can't do it forever, but it's nice just to feel each other while we can. While we can... God, our lives are going to be so different with an infant around.
"Guess we should talk, huh? Come sit with me?" I ask him quietly, starting to walk us both slowly back towards one of the armchairs Gunn and I found for his library. I don't want to let go of him just yet. Maybe it will be easier to talk with him close. Yes, I know I have a tendency to not say everything that I should, so anything that will help would be good, I think.
Oh. More kissing. And touching even. Now if only we could keep on doing this, that would be-- very irresponsible I guess. My brain-activity certainly turned down a notch or two as he keeps brushing his lips over mine. My mouth, my cheek, my face. Hands holding on tightly to my waist while my own are gripping his shoulder the way I used to do. When I felt so insecure about what we had that I had to literally hold onto him.
I let the peace and quiet surround us, not wanting to hear any sounds from the outside just yet. Not even Lorne in the other room. Not *even* Connor, though he's probably sleeping the sleep of the innocent and peaceful. I wish I could say I was doing the same, because I'm not looking forward to this talk.
It'll be as difficult as I make it I suppose, but for Connor's sake I'll make sure to get all the answers I need from Angel. Even if it's like pulling teeth from time to time. He's not a man of words, I've said this before, but he'll need to find them now. There will be some choices we have to make, some decisions who for him may be taught. I want him to know all the consequences of his actions should he go through with making me Connor's guardian.
And we are moving? Where-- Oh, sit down to talk. It seems our time is up. Time to be responsible again and get my brain in gear. God, that's a hard thing to do after he's kissed me. I let him walk us to wherever he wants, a small part of my brain already whirling again with the same point I have given him earlier. I'd already started to talk then, but kissing was a much better idea from Angel.
"We have some-- Important decisions to make," I murmur, a thoughtful frown forming on my face while I try to make my chaotic thoughts turn into something resembling order.
He doesn't fight me or try to get away as I walk us back to the armchair, but there is a frown I notice that flits across his face. Didn't want to stop either, I'm guessing. Which is why I'm not letting him out of my hands any time soon. I don't want to stop touching him and it seems like he doesn't want it to stop either.
Slowly we move back until I can sit down, and I tug on his hips gently to get him to fold himself onto my lap. Let him snuggle up close and we can talk about some of these important decisions. I wait while he gets settled and comfortable - or as comfortable as he can with a discussion like this hovering over us - and then wrap my arms back around him. Loosely, but still around him.
"Important decisions," I muse in agreement. "So we need to figure out who Connor belongs to legally, get him some papers, and then figure out how I fit?" I ask Wes just to make sure. I wait for an affirmation before going on. I look at Wes for a few moments, knowing this is a big burden for him to take on, and that he may not be comfortable with it. "I still want you to be Connor's legal guardian. I trust you, Wesley, and I know you'd do whatever it takes to protect him if I couldn't." I tell him softly, eyes finding his.
Interrupting him before he can make the protest I know is coming, "I can't be there for him in the real world. Can you imagine if Wolfram and Hart had me on paper? If they tried to lock me up for tax fraud or something stupid? It wouldn't just be power to get to Connor, but to me. They'd have me in jail before any of us could do a thing, and that kind power to get to me wouldn't be good for anybody, especially not the people we try to help." Not that I couldn't get out of jail, but it would pretty much make me a wanted man, and not only would Wolfram & Hart have their resources on me, but they'd have the entire country's police force on me.
"We'd spend all our time distracted by what they could do to me. It's not worth it. *I* know he's my son, and no piece of paper is going to change that. All those other things in his life where he needs a dad... He needs a real dad that can run out into the sunlight and rush him to the hospital, or talk with his teachers without scaring them when they don't see him in a window reflection," I say quietly. I don't know if Wes will agree with me, but I think I'm right. I need Wes and now Connor needs him. "Whatever his last name is, I don't care as long as it's yours," I add, looking at him with love in my eyes.
The frown deepens somewhat when he maneuvers me to sit on his lap. It's only the knowledge that he does this to feel comforted himself that stops me from getting off and sitting down elsewhere. Not that I don't like sitting in his lap, but not under these circumstances. It makes me feel as though I'm weak, and small and not at all on equal footing. Which is my own fault for feeling that way I suppose so I don't mention it, but I'm not utterly comfortable either.
Then again with the talk we're going to have, I doubt anyone would.
Although, considering the slew of words from Angel's mouth you wouldn't say that at all. He has me blinking and looking at him somewhat confused. I'm not at all used to Angel talking so much - Oh I know he can do it, had done before, but it takes my by surprise every time. This time it's not any different and I actually have to shake myself to pay attention.
Wait. What? Where he fits in? I think that's pretty damn obvious. He's the father! He's Connor's father and no one else! That's where he fits in! But before I can get any sort of word in he motors on like a steamroller on crack. Probably afraid he'll run out of words before he'll get the important things said.
"That would indicate that you do care," I say softly when he's finally done. A smile tugs the corners of my lips at those last words. Doesn't care *but* it has to be mine. A walking contradiction my Angel is at times. I wonder if Wolfram and Hart would have that much power over him if he were legal. But making him legal would mean a whole hell lot of other problems. It's astonishing how governments work. Or don't work I should say.
"Angel, love, we had already established that I was to become the legal guardian or-or the father, whatever you're more comfortable with. But I do want to you know that it's not something I'll be comfortable with just like that. It's-- taking care of a child, having so much responsibility that takes a lot of courage. I'm not yet sure I have that. But I'm sure *we* both have enough of courage *together* to take care of Connor."
Our son. *That'll* need some more time to get used to.
"We still need to put a mother on the papers for them to be legal. We could-- I don't know. Could we make someone up?"
I smile back at him, reaching up to brush fingers over his cheek. He's so adorable when he looks at me so softly like that. "Maybe we could find a woman who just died recently? Someone without any family for Wolfram and Hart to find and have them want her child. We could look through the obituaries, find a young woman and that way no one could refute that his mother existed?" I suggest, not even sure if that would work either. "Or make someone up," I add.
"I know we talked about the guardian thing, but I wanted you to know that I'm sure about this. I'm not going to change my mind some day, or be mad at you for being his legal father," I try to reassure him, giving him words that he can hold onto. It might be hard for me to always get the right words out, but I know he needs them "I know this is a lot to spring on you, and you don't have to be ready right now. I know I'm not, but...if this legal thing could wait, you know I'd let you take your time, let you get more comfortable about the idea... I won't push you to call him yours or your son. We've got time for that." My fingers brush through his hair gently. "I do think we can do this *together* though," I add, looking at him warmly for the faith he's already shown in us.
My arms wrap around him more securely. "And you're right, I do care about his name." Of course he would catch me on something like that. Just like he always does. "I just mean it doesn't matter if he's a Wyndam-Pryce or a Pryce. I just want us to be a family together. I don't want you to think you're an outsider," I murmur, looking at him to see what he thinks about that. "I need you with me," I say, eyes shining a little. I do. They're both important to me and I never want Wes to think he takes second place. They're both equally important. I may never be able to have another son, but I'll never have another Wes either.
That frown is not about to leave my face any time soon is it? Either it be of worry or because I'm thinking to hard. I'm not sure if finding someone in the obituaries will work. You never know what sort of secrets someone carries with them. If anyone could find out Wolfram and Hart can. Not to destroy any relation ship obviously, but it could hurt us none the less.
"I think we should make someone up so we can control everything. Her past, her name, her-- well everything," I tell him thoughtfully. My mind is already whirling over several possibilities, her name being the least important. Could be some girl I met and my parents didn't approve of. That's not even such a far stretch from the truth. I'd better not think about that to much before I get caught up in my own imaginary soap. Good lord, the things we need to be thinking of to give Connor a secure and safe future.
We really are going to need everyone for this. Gunn, Cordelia, Lorne-- everyone. And I should focus on Angel. Which is hard to do when he's touching me again, especially like that. I try to listen to him and not get distracted by his touches. Not an easy task when he runs his fingers through my hair. Almost as though he's trying to soothe and calm me, as though he's still afraid I'll up and run away. I'm guessing it's going to take some time for both of us not to be afraid of that.
I smile softly at his words, even though I know I'll be an outsider at times. I'll always come second to Connor and that's fine. The way it should be. But Angel will feel like an outsider at times as well, maybe even more so then I. Something I don't think he yet realizes. He may think he does, but he's not yet hit with the full force of the consequences of what he's giving up.
"I'm not going anywhere," I assure him. I'm not, unless he wants me to. "Although, I do feel sorry for the boy. Having to carry the name Wyndam-Pryce, which is what it'll have to be if we go down the-- ah-- route where I'm the legal father." No. Still not filtering fully through that.
I nod as he says we should make someone up so that we can control everything. It makes sense. Though...part of me wants to suggest we give the mother Darla's name somewhere, even her middle name or something. I know, I know it's stupid, and it will only upset Wes, but she did carry the boy to term, and she brought him to us. I think some part of her wanted to get him back here to me. She could have gone to Wolfram and Hart, gotten them to take the kid out, or someone, anyone else. I know she tried to kill him, and she would have too if she'd survived, but that one little moment when her face softened while she looked at that ultrasound... It seems like Connor should know who she was even if she- I don't know, it's probably best that there's no trace back to her. No link to anything possibly supernatural that might give away Connor's true origins.
And I don't want Wes to think that I'm still hung up on Darla.
So I just hold him and keep my mouth shut.
"Good," I murmur, feeling like maybe we got some important things resolved and I can get away with nuzzling him just a little. I don't want him going anywhere. I don't want him thinking this baby changes his position in my life.
"You could change your name," I suggest lightly. I don't think that will happen, but he does seem bothered by the Wyndam-Pryce business. "Or we could simply use Pryce. Maybe the mother didn't like the Wyndam either." I give him a gentle teasing smile. "They can't prove anything just because your names don't match exactly."
My fingers move along his waist lightly, without me really even thinking about it. "Thank you," I murmur softly. "For doing this even though you don't feel comfortable about it yet." I can't even think of how else to tell him how grateful I am that he's willing to take legal responsibility for Connor. It's a big deal and maybe I shouldn't have been so ready to push it on him. He's the only one that could though. And I know he'll be a great dad if he can ever forget that Connor is mine by blood.
"Good," I repeat dumbly, feeling very much exhausted. I can't hear Lorne or Connor in the other room, but I've no doubt Angel can. Probably listening like a hawk for any sounds from the boy that may seem he's in distress. Considering he nor I know what babies are supposed to sound like, I'm thinking any sound in the near future might have us running. That probably wont be very good either.
Goodness, I'm already thinking about what's and the why's, the when’s, the... There's so much to think of when it comes to children. Especially if they're your responsibility. And this isn't just watching the boy. God no, this is raising the boy. With all the morals and the difference between right and wrong, teaching him manners, all that comes with it. Quite the task and I wonder how hundreds of people all over the world manage.
"Hmmm?" Torn out of my thoughts I look at him puzzled for a moment until he suggestion filters through. I smile softly at him, hand coming up to brush the back of it over his face. "I'm sure she would have," I murmur. Hell, if this is a supposed woman whom my parents did not approve of, you can bet she wouldn't have liked the double name.
"But if I legally want to change my name I'd have to go back to England." My father would find out and I may not like it, but deep, deep down I still want the mans approval. His respect. Coming back to England to have my name legally changed? I doubt that's what'll do the trick. I know it doesn't matter and I know I'll never get that from him. I can't help but hope though.
"I'm afraid Connor will be stuck with Wyndam-Pryce. Unless the mother gave her last name. My goodness, this is getting complicated. Perhaps we should think about this. We can't bloody well get anything done tonight. Can we?"
Lorne will have to help us with the papers. Of course I know a lot of addresses as well. Together we should be able to come up with something. Not tonight though. Not right now. Right now I just want to sleep and forget about this entire night. At least the horrible parts of it, which were quite a lot.
"We should probably get back to Connor," I say. I'd like to get off his lap now - comfortable and safe as it feels - be on more equal footing so to speak. "I'm sure you're anxious to get back to him," I tell him, a soft smile slipping back on my face.
But now is definitely not the time for that discussion. Now is the Connor name game discussion...which is important, but I'd be happier if Wes and I could talk about this privately and I could convince him that there are at least *two* very good reasons that I should not be a legal anything. It's better that I don't exist, and it's better for the two of them along with the rest of the gang that I don't exist. God, I don't even want to imagine Wolfram and Hart trying to put me on trial for Angelus' crimes. They probably couldn't, but the thought that they would try...it makes me shudder inside.
"Of course," I say back, feeling warm again when he calls me love, even if he says it a little haltingly. "We do need to get him sorted out, but," I nod here, squeezing the hand that has so smoothly insinuated it's way into mine, "you're right, looks like he's sleepy," I murmur, eyes catching on the softness of his baby skin and the way his eyelashes keep dipping closed against his cheek. Still trying to hang onto Wes' finger though. I can see his grip getting looser, but he's still trying. Probably likes the warmth, I think with a smile.
"Umm, so where should we put him?" I ask, looking around the room for our non-existant crib. We could put him on the bed with us? Or is that dangerous? I wouldn't want to roll over on him. In a dresser drawer? They're big and they've got four sides...we could put some padding around so it wouldn't hurt him. But, uhh, I think I'll leave that decision to the experts here.
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With my being the guardian or the - this is something my brain has trouble coping with - legally the father? They're going to be cooing over the boy and saying how much he resembles me and ask about his mother. How painful is that going to be for Angel? Connor is *his* son, that has to be so very painful. To have a son but never being able to brag about the boy outside of our family?
And what do we say about the mother? I'm almost tempted to suggest we make Gunn and Cordelia the fake parents, but that would never work. For one, Gunn's skin color would be a dead give away. For another, the boy has blue eyes, which neither of them has. In fact, I'm the only one around how has blue eyes. Must've inherited those from Darla. It's-- strangely ironic to realize he and I are the only ones here with blue eyes. None of the others have.
Why am I even thinking about this? Good lord.
"P-Put him?" *That* question tears me out of me reverie and I look around utterly clueless. I've-- no idea. We don't have anything for the boy! Aside from what I got him at the store and that's not even close to the basics. I hope Cordelia comes home soon so she can go shopping. She *will* kill us if there are cute little things to be bought and she's not the one who got them.
"Like this, Tall, dark and clueless," Lorne interrupts, giving us both a look that clearly screams 'aren't you two adorable but so, so stupid at times'. He strolls over to the bed, grabbing the big pillows, pulling down the covers and making a little box right there.
Oh. Oh, I suppose that should-- "That simple? Really?"
"That simple, crumpet, really," Lorne remarks, which is when I realize I said that out loud. "There ya go, Angel. Put the little muffin in here, he can toss and turn all he wants without any fear or dangers."
"How do you know so much about these things?" I ask, in obvious awe.
"Trade secret," Lorne grins. "Now, you wanna go somewhere else for this big pow-wow so you wont wake up the little prince? I'll stay here and watch him, but keep the door open. Cause the last thing we need is more incommunicado interrupto from you two."
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I think we all look at him for several seconds wondering our own thoughts about this tiny little miracle. I'm going to have to get used to this new baby smell. Leaning down, I give his forehead the softest kiss as he makes little baby grunting noises while he settles down.
Oh, and Wes and I are going to talk now. And without Connor in the room? He wants me to let the little guy out of my sight? Not that I don't trust Lorne, who obviously knows more about child-rearing than I or Wes does, but... Connor looks so peaceful there on the bed. I want to go lie down there with him. And talk with his other dad.
Well, there's not exactly anywhere else for us to go in here unless we go in the bathroom, and that is the *last* place I want to have an important discussion with Wes given our track record. "Do you want to go to your library?" I ask looking at Wes and then back at Connor. It's only right next door, but our other altrenative is the kitchen which gives us no door to close and no privacy.
"You'll have to use that excellent hearing you've got," I say giving Lorne a look that says, I'm playing your little game, but I'm doing it my way. "Not keeping the door open," I tell him. Yes, Wes and I have been known to miscommunicate, but- I want a little privacy! Life altering event here and we've got to have everyone's input? Feeling just a little bit overexposed here.
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The voice in the back of my mind murmured the question of who was more important. Connor, or I. Part of me knew that Connor was more important and always should be. He was an innocent child after all. Angel's son. But another part of me almost couldn't hold back the relieved sigh when Angel suggested we go to my library. Though I have to say I'm a bit weary at closing the door, considering our track-record when it comes to important conversations.
Angel apparently had enough of Lorne, I on the other hand couldn't be more grateful to our green demon friend. I'd not forgotten how he'd been there to cheer me up - or try to - when Angel had been gone all that time after Buffy died. And that was another thing we were going to have to talk about. Buffy. She should be told this. It would be unfair she'd hear it from some sort of rumor mill. In my opinion at the very least. They still loved each other very much, and that gives her certain rights.
At the moment though? We have bigger problems ahead of us. I watched Angel walk out the door, giving more then one lingering look at his boy. Making sure Connor was still safe, or sleeping, or whatever he was looking for. I changed a look with Lorne, sighed and followed Angel out the room and into the library. I, not having made any promise to Lorne, kept the door open a crack. Deliberately. Or did Angel really think there was privacy to be had when we both were going to need all the help we could get with Connor?
Not in my life-time. Neither of us knows what they're doing. Not only do we need Lorne's help, but the others as well. And if Lorne really wanted to barge in and interrupt us with his remarks, he'd not have send us out of the room.
"Well," I murmured, running hand through my hair. This day was starting to wear me down. I was still somewhat shaking with what I'd done. Still wondering when Angel's mind would have worked through Connor being here and be ready to deal with my killing Darla.
"We have a lot of decisions to make." I almost said 'you' there, still trying to get used to Angel wanting to call Connor 'our son'. Does he really think that out of the blue you can think of some strange child - which what Connor basically is - and have 'parental feeling's toward him? That's asking a bit much, but not something Angel seems to comprehend. So I'm picking my words very, very carefully.
It'll come, I'm sure. Once *my* mind is ready to deal with the next step.
"Lorne is right. We need papers for the boy, making him legal so they can't come to take him away. We have several options of course," I explain, telling Angel the choices in a business like way.
"We can put on parents on his papers, thus making him an orphan. I'm not in favor or this for several reasons." He'd, legally, have no connection to Angel. "A third party could easily take him away from-from us. We can put parents on the paper, and you've already suggested my being the-- the father or uh, guardian." And that's something my mind is not yet ready to deal with. "But whom do we register as the mother?"
And I'm already running much to far with this aren't I? "Uhm... I'm sorry, I seem to be babbling. Err... Did-have you any ideas?"
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Which he does by putting on his 'head of a detective agency' voice, always the clear-headed, calm sounding, confident voice. He explains our options and he makes good points, important points, and I listen. As much as I hear the sound logic behind all of this, I also hear the babbling, the panic and doubt ready to surface along with the need to protect, protect, protect. And as much as I might hate to admit it, I know all of that protectiveness is really directed at me, not Connor. He's looking out for me, doing what he knows best. Because that's what Wes does. He protects me, and most often it's from myself.
Taking the few steps necessary to get close to him, I put my hand on his arm again, gently. "I do have some ideas, but... come here," I murmur gently pulling him close to wrap my arms around him. See, this is what *I* do. I protect Wes. And now Connor. But right now Wes needs a little anchoring or he's going to worry and flutter himself off into the atmosphere.
"I love you," I tell him finally, hand coming up to brush over his cheek. "None of this changes that," I add, stroking my thumb over his cheek, his lips. "You're mine," I tell him too, wanting to reinforce everything I couldn't say there in front of Lorne. "Not letting you go," comes out softly, still wanting to comfort him in the face of all this sudden change.
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That's what always happens. Almost like destiny. Not as mystic and important as Angel's but there nevertheless. An Angel who does have a few idea's. And here I am, babbling on and on and on and-- I could just kick myself if I were that flexible. Of *course* Angel has idea's, this his bloody son we're talking about!
Though what my coming closer to him has anything to do with that-- Oh.
It's like coming home. At least, this is what I imagine coming home to feel like. Since I've never had a home until now I don't really know what it feels like. But this has to be it. That feeling of warmth and security and love which wraps around me when his arms does. Unlike anything I've ever felt before. It's wonderful, it's fantastic, it's confusing and it's... so much there are no words.
I look into his eyes, my own far to wide and somewhat misty at his next words. Now he says it. There's this small voice mocking that Sure, *now* he can say it, but I ignore it. I just stare at him, letting those words sink in, mulling them over in my mind, fully realizing that Angel is *not* a man of words when it comes to expressing himself. Though saying 'I love you' in front of friends shouldn't be that hard.
There's a smile slipping on my face. And even if it's not as bright and beaming feeling, it should be. My hands come up to cup his face as I shuffle closer. "Kiss me please?" I ask, pretending not to notice how much I sound like a girl, nor the tremble in my voice.
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The look on Wes' face tells me that I'm not wrong, that he has faith in us, this, me, that we can handle this. And we've got friends to help us even if I'm never the best about letting them do that. As is obvious from what just happen. But I'm glad they're there and I'm glad Wes is here. Right here. In my arms.
"Always," I murmur, eyelids flickering at the comforting feel of his warm hands on my face. I tighten my hold on him, pulling him as close as possible, until our lips are a breath apart. I tilt my chin just a fraction and there's that spark that always happens when our mouths touch. That sensation that makes me feel warm all over. I kiss him slowly, gently, as lovingly as I can. Nothing like the crushing kiss when he said he loved me in front of Lorne, but with just as much feeling.
It seems like hours pass as we kiss, tongues brushing softly, deepening the kiss, and it's only the reminder of Wes' hot, alive mouth that makes me remember to pull back. Flushed cheeks, warm breath against my lips. He's mine. And I'm not letting him go. "Love you," I murmur again, leaning my forehead against his.
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Which it's not, I know, but that's how I feel at the moment. There's so much going on, so much happening all at once that it's more then a little bit overwhelming. Angel being here, holding me like this, is helping me more then he'll ever know. And so does this kiss when it's finally happening.
My eyes close, hands sliding from his face into his hair. I press myself closer, much closer then seems possible. I need my anchor right now even if it's not very fair to Angel. He has more then enough to deal with as well. But as the kiss goes on all those thoughts leave my mind and all that's left is him. And me. Us. Kissing, just like we've done so many times before and yet not.
Lack of air on my side makes us pull back. Or rather makes Angel pull back, since I could have happily go on kissing for quite some time. Maybe until I fainted. Tongue darts out to lick my lips, catching any lingering taste from Angel I hope to find. Dazed eyes find his and I was very, very right. My brain is not functioning fully any longer.
"Yes," I whisper, closing my eyes when I still feel him so near. "Love you too." And there's a little boy one room away we need to talk about, but right now I just want to stand here. In his arms, feeling safe and as if there's no care in the world.
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Doesn't stop me from brushing lips against his again and then the corner of his mouth and his cheek. I sigh softly and rub my hand against his waist. I know we need to talk, but another few minutes can't hurt, can they? I keep holding him, feeling that he's liking this as much as I am since he hasn't made a move to start talking or to pull away yet.
His temple gets nuzzled after we float for a while just holding each other. It feels good, just holding onto each other. Can't do it forever, but it's nice just to feel each other while we can. While we can... God, our lives are going to be so different with an infant around.
"Guess we should talk, huh? Come sit with me?" I ask him quietly, starting to walk us both slowly back towards one of the armchairs Gunn and I found for his library. I don't want to let go of him just yet. Maybe it will be easier to talk with him close. Yes, I know I have a tendency to not say everything that I should, so anything that will help would be good, I think.
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I let the peace and quiet surround us, not wanting to hear any sounds from the outside just yet. Not even Lorne in the other room. Not *even* Connor, though he's probably sleeping the sleep of the innocent and peaceful. I wish I could say I was doing the same, because I'm not looking forward to this talk.
It'll be as difficult as I make it I suppose, but for Connor's sake I'll make sure to get all the answers I need from Angel. Even if it's like pulling teeth from time to time. He's not a man of words, I've said this before, but he'll need to find them now. There will be some choices we have to make, some decisions who for him may be taught. I want him to know all the consequences of his actions should he go through with making me Connor's guardian.
And we are moving? Where-- Oh, sit down to talk. It seems our time is up. Time to be responsible again and get my brain in gear. God, that's a hard thing to do after he's kissed me. I let him walk us to wherever he wants, a small part of my brain already whirling again with the same point I have given him earlier. I'd already started to talk then, but kissing was a much better idea from Angel.
"We have some-- Important decisions to make," I murmur, a thoughtful frown forming on my face while I try to make my chaotic thoughts turn into something resembling order.
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Slowly we move back until I can sit down, and I tug on his hips gently to get him to fold himself onto my lap. Let him snuggle up close and we can talk about some of these important decisions. I wait while he gets settled and comfortable - or as comfortable as he can with a discussion like this hovering over us - and then wrap my arms back around him. Loosely, but still around him.
"Important decisions," I muse in agreement. "So we need to figure out who Connor belongs to legally, get him some papers, and then figure out how I fit?" I ask Wes just to make sure. I wait for an affirmation before going on. I look at Wes for a few moments, knowing this is a big burden for him to take on, and that he may not be comfortable with it. "I still want you to be Connor's legal guardian. I trust you, Wesley, and I know you'd do whatever it takes to protect him if I couldn't." I tell him softly, eyes finding his.
Interrupting him before he can make the protest I know is coming, "I can't be there for him in the real world. Can you imagine if Wolfram and Hart had me on paper? If they tried to lock me up for tax fraud or something stupid? It wouldn't just be power to get to Connor, but to me. They'd have me in jail before any of us could do a thing, and that kind power to get to me wouldn't be good for anybody, especially not the people we try to help." Not that I couldn't get out of jail, but it would pretty much make me a wanted man, and not only would Wolfram & Hart have their resources on me, but they'd have the entire country's police force on me.
"We'd spend all our time distracted by what they could do to me. It's not worth it. *I* know he's my son, and no piece of paper is going to change that. All those other things in his life where he needs a dad... He needs a real dad that can run out into the sunlight and rush him to the hospital, or talk with his teachers without scaring them when they don't see him in a window reflection," I say quietly. I don't know if Wes will agree with me, but I think I'm right. I need Wes and now Connor needs him. "Whatever his last name is, I don't care as long as it's yours," I add, looking at him with love in my eyes.
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Then again with the talk we're going to have, I doubt anyone would.
Although, considering the slew of words from Angel's mouth you wouldn't say that at all. He has me blinking and looking at him somewhat confused. I'm not at all used to Angel talking so much - Oh I know he can do it, had done before, but it takes my by surprise every time. This time it's not any different and I actually have to shake myself to pay attention.
Wait. What? Where he fits in? I think that's pretty damn obvious. He's the father! He's Connor's father and no one else! That's where he fits in! But before I can get any sort of word in he motors on like a steamroller on crack. Probably afraid he'll run out of words before he'll get the important things said.
"That would indicate that you do care," I say softly when he's finally done. A smile tugs the corners of my lips at those last words. Doesn't care *but* it has to be mine. A walking contradiction my Angel is at times. I wonder if Wolfram and Hart would have that much power over him if he were legal. But making him legal would mean a whole hell lot of other problems. It's astonishing how governments work. Or don't work I should say.
"Angel, love, we had already established that I was to become the legal guardian or-or the father, whatever you're more comfortable with. But I do want to you know that it's not something I'll be comfortable with just like that. It's-- taking care of a child, having so much responsibility that takes a lot of courage. I'm not yet sure I have that. But I'm sure *we* both have enough of courage *together* to take care of Connor."
Our son. *That'll* need some more time to get used to.
"We still need to put a mother on the papers for them to be legal. We could-- I don't know. Could we make someone up?"
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"I know we talked about the guardian thing, but I wanted you to know that I'm sure about this. I'm not going to change my mind some day, or be mad at you for being his legal father," I try to reassure him, giving him words that he can hold onto. It might be hard for me to always get the right words out, but I know he needs them "I know this is a lot to spring on you, and you don't have to be ready right now. I know I'm not, but...if this legal thing could wait, you know I'd let you take your time, let you get more comfortable about the idea... I won't push you to call him yours or your son. We've got time for that." My fingers brush through his hair gently. "I do think we can do this *together* though," I add, looking at him warmly for the faith he's already shown in us.
My arms wrap around him more securely. "And you're right, I do care about his name." Of course he would catch me on something like that. Just like he always does. "I just mean it doesn't matter if he's a Wyndam-Pryce or a Pryce. I just want us to be a family together. I don't want you to think you're an outsider," I murmur, looking at him to see what he thinks about that. "I need you with me," I say, eyes shining a little. I do. They're both important to me and I never want Wes to think he takes second place. They're both equally important. I may never be able to have another son, but I'll never have another Wes either.
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"I think we should make someone up so we can control everything. Her past, her name, her-- well everything," I tell him thoughtfully. My mind is already whirling over several possibilities, her name being the least important. Could be some girl I met and my parents didn't approve of. That's not even such a far stretch from the truth. I'd better not think about that to much before I get caught up in my own imaginary soap. Good lord, the things we need to be thinking of to give Connor a secure and safe future.
We really are going to need everyone for this. Gunn, Cordelia, Lorne-- everyone. And I should focus on Angel. Which is hard to do when he's touching me again, especially like that. I try to listen to him and not get distracted by his touches. Not an easy task when he runs his fingers through my hair. Almost as though he's trying to soothe and calm me, as though he's still afraid I'll up and run away. I'm guessing it's going to take some time for both of us not to be afraid of that.
I smile softly at his words, even though I know I'll be an outsider at times. I'll always come second to Connor and that's fine. The way it should be. But Angel will feel like an outsider at times as well, maybe even more so then I. Something I don't think he yet realizes. He may think he does, but he's not yet hit with the full force of the consequences of what he's giving up.
"I'm not going anywhere," I assure him. I'm not, unless he wants me to. "Although, I do feel sorry for the boy. Having to carry the name Wyndam-Pryce, which is what it'll have to be if we go down the-- ah-- route where I'm the legal father." No. Still not filtering fully through that.
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And I don't want Wes to think that I'm still hung up on Darla.
So I just hold him and keep my mouth shut.
"Good," I murmur, feeling like maybe we got some important things resolved and I can get away with nuzzling him just a little. I don't want him going anywhere. I don't want him thinking this baby changes his position in my life.
"You could change your name," I suggest lightly. I don't think that will happen, but he does seem bothered by the Wyndam-Pryce business. "Or we could simply use Pryce. Maybe the mother didn't like the Wyndam either." I give him a gentle teasing smile. "They can't prove anything just because your names don't match exactly."
My fingers move along his waist lightly, without me really even thinking about it. "Thank you," I murmur softly. "For doing this even though you don't feel comfortable about it yet." I can't even think of how else to tell him how grateful I am that he's willing to take legal responsibility for Connor. It's a big deal and maybe I shouldn't have been so ready to push it on him. He's the only one that could though. And I know he'll be a great dad if he can ever forget that Connor is mine by blood.
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Goodness, I'm already thinking about what's and the why's, the when’s, the... There's so much to think of when it comes to children. Especially if they're your responsibility. And this isn't just watching the boy. God no, this is raising the boy. With all the morals and the difference between right and wrong, teaching him manners, all that comes with it. Quite the task and I wonder how hundreds of people all over the world manage.
"Hmmm?" Torn out of my thoughts I look at him puzzled for a moment until he suggestion filters through. I smile softly at him, hand coming up to brush the back of it over his face. "I'm sure she would have," I murmur. Hell, if this is a supposed woman whom my parents did not approve of, you can bet she wouldn't have liked the double name.
"But if I legally want to change my name I'd have to go back to England." My father would find out and I may not like it, but deep, deep down I still want the mans approval. His respect. Coming back to England to have my name legally changed? I doubt that's what'll do the trick. I know it doesn't matter and I know I'll never get that from him. I can't help but hope though.
"I'm afraid Connor will be stuck with Wyndam-Pryce. Unless the mother gave her last name. My goodness, this is getting complicated. Perhaps we should think about this. We can't bloody well get anything done tonight. Can we?"
Lorne will have to help us with the papers. Of course I know a lot of addresses as well. Together we should be able to come up with something. Not tonight though. Not right now. Right now I just want to sleep and forget about this entire night. At least the horrible parts of it, which were quite a lot.
"We should probably get back to Connor," I say. I'd like to get off his lap now - comfortable and safe as it feels - be on more equal footing so to speak. "I'm sure you're anxious to get back to him," I tell him, a soft smile slipping back on my face.
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