"Never blamed you, not for a second," I murmur in between Lorne's words as he glides right in, inserting himself into the conversation, obviously necessarily so if the looks on Wes' face are anything to go by. I look down briefly at a noise and see Connor in my arms - I didn't even notice Lorne do it - and he feels exactly right there. Like the little boy has been there all along.
And there goes that chest tightening feeling when Wes so vehemently says that of course he loves me. My chest tightens further and my throat closes, because I know the end of that next sentence even if he doesn't say it. I don't like to think it or hear it, but I know that's how he feels. Sometimes I wish he didn't - because *I* love *him* so much - but he does and it...obviously reduces me to a nearly watery eyed vampire hearing it.
I nod about the panicking, because there's no denying it, that's been my emotion from the second Darla walked in here with that stomach. Connor is quiet in my arms and I have to look down to make sure he's alright, glancing back up only to find Wes *right* there.
I'm so far taken aback that he's just said he loves me in front of Lorne that there are several moments where I just stand there clutching Connor, and staring at Wes. The smile though, the smile at touching my son, our son, and then that smile at me has me snapping out of it and leaning in for a firm, ferociously emotional kiss, while trying not to crush Connor. It's not an endlessly long kiss, but I pour everything I've got into that kiss. "I want to learn with you, I want you with me, with us, I was so-" I choke off the rest of that because it sounds so foolish. I was so scared. So scared you wouldn't want this, because there's no way I can do this on my own. I would if it came down to it, but I would be terrified every step of the way.
My hand cradles Wes' cheek. "I want him to have your name. Wesley." I blink at Wes, thinking I might be feeling definitely a little allergic, too. "Connor Wesley Wyndam-Pryce," I say firmly. "I want us to be a family," I say in a whisper, not quite grasping what I'm saying, but letting it all tumble out anyway. There's a tiny little warm body squirming in my arms and he deserves a family. A real one. "What do you think?"
He stands there, staring at me as though I said-- something utterly horrid or something utterly wonderful. I'm thinking the jury is still out on that one with that facial expression of his. I do notice, however, that unlike any other time? He's not saying back. He doesn't say he loves me and there's a coldness of fear settling in my stomach that doesn't seem to want to away any time soon. Not even when he looks up at me and I notice his eyes have turned somewhat watery.
Are we back to square one when it comes to those words? I still vividly remember the first time I said them to him. He reacted in a way I hadn't expected. Almost angry at me for saying them. And now? Now he can't say them again. Why? Why can't he say he loves me too? Especial now when it's so important, when our future isn't just about us anymore?
Which is what I'm still thinking when there are suddenly some very cool lips crushing mine with a force hard enough to bruise. I'm left breathless and blinking at him stupidly when he finally - unfortunately - has to end the kiss. Otherwise I'd be out of breath and we'll end up crushing the poor infant.
Lorne seems to have gone unusually quiet and I see him waving some cloth around from the corner or my eyes. I myself have dropped my eyes away from Angel's face so he can't read in mine how much it hurt to *not* hear him say he loves me back, despite the desperate kiss. Instead I look down at the boy, happily gurgling away, unaware of all the things going on around him. Somehow this tiny child manages to make me smile again though.
Connor. Connor? That's a-- very Irish name I guess. It's then that I notice the rest of the names the poor lad got tacked on. Wesley. He's going to name him after-- after me? Dammit, there are those allergies again. And sniffing to boot. Bloody hell, I'm so glad Cordelia's not around.
Wait a moment. I'm not the one sniffling. Lorne is! I glance at our green demon friend from the corner or my eyes - one who has no shame nor the decency to let us have some privacy. No doubt in fear we muck things up again - and raise an eyebrow. Which is when I realize Angel's tossed in my last names there as well.
Oh. Oh that poor child. I recall having to grow up with two last names - lets not even start about how everyone is *always* spelling it wrong - and it not something I wish for the boy to go through. For Connor. His name is Connor.
Then I'm wondering what's wrong with Angel's own last name, since Connor *is* his son. Of course there's never any mention of Angel's last name and I doubt he even remembers. Angel I mean, though you think one would. But after over two hundred and nearly fifty years? He might've forgotten, or maybe he wants to forget?
"I think," I whisper, watching as Connor is still playing with my finger, a soft, tender smile playing my lips, "that you're condemning the poor boy to a horrid future with a name like that." I look up, already expecting the disappointed shocked look in Angel's eyes. "May I suggest dropping the 'Wyndam'? It's very British, which Connor really isn't. Connor Wesley Pryce is really a very handsome name."
"Oh," Lorne blurts dramatically waving his handkerchief, "This is to cute, you two are killing me here. But we really need to think about some serious business here for the cookie and for you two cream-puff. Mostly Angel since he's paperless?" And this is followed by a significant look as though either of us has any idea what he's talking about.
There's a shadow crossing Wes' face as I release him from the kiss, and I wonder what's going on, what did I miss that I've upset him about? He doesn't look at me, he looks at Connor. The little smile perks back up but still, his eyes are not completely smiling. What did I say? Did he not want me to kiss him in front of Lorne? I know that's over the top for us usually and I know he gets antsy about those displays of affection but- Oh. Oh. It's because I didn't say it. I couldn't. I'm not- That's private. Lorne's here, I'm not saying it in front of Lorne.
So if my face falls a little when he says the name would be a bad idea, who could blame me for thinking that I've screwed everything up once again. He's doing that cute smile though, so there's still a little bit of hope in me that he actually likes the idea. I don't think there's anyone else's name he could have anyway. I certainly don't have a last name these days.
I've been a demon much, much longer than I've been a human, and as much as I'd hate to admit it, I'm more like Angelus than I am like 'Liam' anymore, he's still in me, but... I'm not that man, and I don't want Connor to have his family name. The things I did to that family... I don't want him to have that connection. I do want to remember where we came from, but not that family, not who I was. The person I was then would never have been able to take care of this boy, would have gotten Father to pay Darla off to go have the child alone in a nunnery or somewhere. I don't want to think about that part of myself when I look at my son.
So I nod agreeably and feel time start to go forward again when Wes suggests giving Connor only part of his name. "Very handsome," I murmur in agreement wondering when Lorne will go away so that I can ease those shadows hiding in Wes' eyes. There's a loud bleat of a nose being blown and I realize, no, Lorne is not going away any time soon.
"What?" I look at Lorne in confusion and with daggers when he pipes up with some nonsense about papers? "I don't need papers," I say looking at Lorne still confused, still staying the the tangled knot of Wes, Connor and I. "Can't it wait?" I ask, really wanting a second to talk to Wes alone. He's still fretting about me not saying I love him back, I can just feel it.
"No honeybunn," Lorne sighs the sigh of the ever frustrated. Which might be the case currently. "You? No papers," he explains to Angel. "Him? No papers either. So if you wanna be big daddy-o? And not have Wolfram and Hart catch on and call child welfare services? I'm suggesting you get papers pronto oh tall, dark and broody."
I frown at those words, glancing down at Connor worried. Lorne has a point. Wolfram and Hart knows what's going on at all times it seems. The moment they get wind of Connor and who his parents are? The child wont be safe from them. And what would be easier then having the child legally taken away due to the lack of papers? Papers which will show that Connor is Angel's son and Angel's a legal citizen.
Alright, the latter is sort of a lie, since he's *legally* dead.
I repeat Lorne's sigh, realizing that the rest of any problems will have to wait. From now on they will all have to wait. Connor will come first. Not just for me, I already know that is the case for Angel. It's just that neither of us is used to being around children, let alone be responsible for one. And legally making Connor Angel's is the first step to providing the boy's safety.
"He's right, Angel," I say, tugging on the finger Connor's still clutching. And apparently not about to let go. As though he's afraid I'm going to walk away or some such. "We need papers proving that Connor is your son. Which means you're going to have a last name as well. Err...one that is the same as Connor's so you might want to re-think about the 'Pryce'?" Not that I want him to. I *like* Connor Wesley Pryce.
"Unless you two get married," Lorne blubbers out. Apparently he gets two very shocked looks at those words aimed at him because he holds up his hands and rolls his eyes. "Joking, joking. Geeze crumbcakes, tone down on the panic. But hey, Angel Pryce? Not so bad? Huh? Huh?"
I listen to them go back and for about the legal stuff. Yeah, okay, that's a problem, but-
Married? The shock quickly turns to annoyance at Lorne and if I was shooting daggers at him before, I'm shooting a death glare at him now. That is not- Wes isn't ready. He hasn't even given me his mark yet, how's he going to be ready for some big ceremony and me taking his name *and* a baby? I was- That was *my* subject to bring up.
This is just- It's too much and I'm starting to get antsy. Antsy in a bad way like I want everybody out of the room except me and Connor. Can't they just let me be with my son for a second? Does this all have to be decided right now?
"Angel Pryce sounds fine, but- and I want Connor to have your name, Wes, but-"
"Great, Angelcakes, then that's settled!"
"No, I-" I suck in a breath of frustration. "Lorne can we have a minute?" This is all going just a little too fast. I look down at the little bundle in my arms and the way he's clinging to Wes. Smart boy. Already knows who needs to be held onto in the room. Anchored.
"If he's Wes' son, then he'll legally be his son. Wes should be his legal guardian. I don't even exist. I can't-" I shake my head at them. We'd have to get too many fake documents, and I really, really shouldn't be on paper. That could end up being more dangerous for Connor. Me in the system. What if someone finds out what I am? This is why I don't live in the world. I'm a part of the dark, and my son is not going to worry about that. "It's better for Connor that way," I murmur. It doesn't matter if the law says he's mine. I'll know. Connor will understand.
My hand clutches Wes' arm too, and I look at him unflinchingly. "I want us together." My eyes flick to the teary Lorne and back to Wes. "But I don't want us to rush this." And I don't want to get rushed into it because Lorne thinks it's adorable. And I want some goddamn privacy so that I can stop screwing up with Wes who is just going to hear rejection, isn't he?
And there goes that chest tightening feeling when Wes so vehemently says that of course he loves me. My chest tightens further and my throat closes, because I know the end of that next sentence even if he doesn't say it. I don't like to think it or hear it, but I know that's how he feels. Sometimes I wish he didn't - because *I* love *him* so much - but he does and it...obviously reduces me to a nearly watery eyed vampire hearing it.
I nod about the panicking, because there's no denying it, that's been my emotion from the second Darla walked in here with that stomach. Connor is quiet in my arms and I have to look down to make sure he's alright, glancing back up only to find Wes *right* there.
I'm so far taken aback that he's just said he loves me in front of Lorne that there are several moments where I just stand there clutching Connor, and staring at Wes. The smile though, the smile at touching my son, our son, and then that smile at me has me snapping out of it and leaning in for a firm, ferociously emotional kiss, while trying not to crush Connor. It's not an endlessly long kiss, but I pour everything I've got into that kiss. "I want to learn with you, I want you with me, with us, I was so-" I choke off the rest of that because it sounds so foolish. I was so scared. So scared you wouldn't want this, because there's no way I can do this on my own. I would if it came down to it, but I would be terrified every step of the way.
My hand cradles Wes' cheek. "I want him to have your name. Wesley." I blink at Wes, thinking I might be feeling definitely a little allergic, too. "Connor Wesley Wyndam-Pryce," I say firmly. "I want us to be a family," I say in a whisper, not quite grasping what I'm saying, but letting it all tumble out anyway. There's a tiny little warm body squirming in my arms and he deserves a family. A real one. "What do you think?"
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Are we back to square one when it comes to those words? I still vividly remember the first time I said them to him. He reacted in a way I hadn't expected. Almost angry at me for saying them. And now? Now he can't say them again. Why? Why can't he say he loves me too? Especial now when it's so important, when our future isn't just about us anymore?
Which is what I'm still thinking when there are suddenly some very cool lips crushing mine with a force hard enough to bruise. I'm left breathless and blinking at him stupidly when he finally - unfortunately - has to end the kiss. Otherwise I'd be out of breath and we'll end up crushing the poor infant.
Lorne seems to have gone unusually quiet and I see him waving some cloth around from the corner or my eyes. I myself have dropped my eyes away from Angel's face so he can't read in mine how much it hurt to *not* hear him say he loves me back, despite the desperate kiss. Instead I look down at the boy, happily gurgling away, unaware of all the things going on around him. Somehow this tiny child manages to make me smile again though.
Connor. Connor? That's a-- very Irish name I guess. It's then that I notice the rest of the names the poor lad got tacked on. Wesley. He's going to name him after-- after me? Dammit, there are those allergies again. And sniffing to boot. Bloody hell, I'm so glad Cordelia's not around.
Wait a moment. I'm not the one sniffling. Lorne is! I glance at our green demon friend from the corner or my eyes - one who has no shame nor the decency to let us have some privacy. No doubt in fear we muck things up again - and raise an eyebrow. Which is when I realize Angel's tossed in my last names there as well.
Oh. Oh that poor child. I recall having to grow up with two last names - lets not even start about how everyone is *always* spelling it wrong - and it not something I wish for the boy to go through. For Connor. His name is Connor.
Then I'm wondering what's wrong with Angel's own last name, since Connor *is* his son. Of course there's never any mention of Angel's last name and I doubt he even remembers. Angel I mean, though you think one would. But after over two hundred and nearly fifty years? He might've forgotten, or maybe he wants to forget?
"I think," I whisper, watching as Connor is still playing with my finger, a soft, tender smile playing my lips, "that you're condemning the poor boy to a horrid future with a name like that." I look up, already expecting the disappointed shocked look in Angel's eyes. "May I suggest dropping the 'Wyndam'? It's very British, which Connor really isn't. Connor Wesley Pryce is really a very handsome name."
"Oh," Lorne blurts dramatically waving his handkerchief, "This is to cute, you two are killing me here. But we really need to think about some serious business here for the cookie and for you two cream-puff. Mostly Angel since he's paperless?" And this is followed by a significant look as though either of us has any idea what he's talking about.
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So if my face falls a little when he says the name would be a bad idea, who could blame me for thinking that I've screwed everything up once again. He's doing that cute smile though, so there's still a little bit of hope in me that he actually likes the idea. I don't think there's anyone else's name he could have anyway. I certainly don't have a last name these days.
I've been a demon much, much longer than I've been a human, and as much as I'd hate to admit it, I'm more like Angelus than I am like 'Liam' anymore, he's still in me, but... I'm not that man, and I don't want Connor to have his family name. The things I did to that family... I don't want him to have that connection. I do want to remember where we came from, but not that family, not who I was. The person I was then would never have been able to take care of this boy, would have gotten Father to pay Darla off to go have the child alone in a nunnery or somewhere. I don't want to think about that part of myself when I look at my son.
So I nod agreeably and feel time start to go forward again when Wes suggests giving Connor only part of his name. "Very handsome," I murmur in agreement wondering when Lorne will go away so that I can ease those shadows hiding in Wes' eyes. There's a loud bleat of a nose being blown and I realize, no, Lorne is not going away any time soon.
"What?" I look at Lorne in confusion and with daggers when he pipes up with some nonsense about papers? "I don't need papers," I say looking at Lorne still confused, still staying the the tangled knot of Wes, Connor and I. "Can't it wait?" I ask, really wanting a second to talk to Wes alone. He's still fretting about me not saying I love him back, I can just feel it.
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I frown at those words, glancing down at Connor worried. Lorne has a point. Wolfram and Hart knows what's going on at all times it seems. The moment they get wind of Connor and who his parents are? The child wont be safe from them. And what would be easier then having the child legally taken away due to the lack of papers? Papers which will show that Connor is Angel's son and Angel's a legal citizen.
Alright, the latter is sort of a lie, since he's *legally* dead.
I repeat Lorne's sigh, realizing that the rest of any problems will have to wait. From now on they will all have to wait. Connor will come first. Not just for me, I already know that is the case for Angel. It's just that neither of us is used to being around children, let alone be responsible for one. And legally making Connor Angel's is the first step to providing the boy's safety.
"He's right, Angel," I say, tugging on the finger Connor's still clutching. And apparently not about to let go. As though he's afraid I'm going to walk away or some such. "We need papers proving that Connor is your son. Which means you're going to have a last name as well. Err...one that is the same as Connor's so you might want to re-think about the 'Pryce'?" Not that I want him to. I *like* Connor Wesley Pryce.
"Unless you two get married," Lorne blubbers out. Apparently he gets two very shocked looks at those words aimed at him because he holds up his hands and rolls his eyes. "Joking, joking. Geeze crumbcakes, tone down on the panic. But hey, Angel Pryce? Not so bad? Huh? Huh?"
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Married? The shock quickly turns to annoyance at Lorne and if I was shooting daggers at him before, I'm shooting a death glare at him now. That is not- Wes isn't ready. He hasn't even given me his mark yet, how's he going to be ready for some big ceremony and me taking his name *and* a baby? I was- That was *my* subject to bring up.
This is just- It's too much and I'm starting to get antsy. Antsy in a bad way like I want everybody out of the room except me and Connor. Can't they just let me be with my son for a second? Does this all have to be decided right now?
"Angel Pryce sounds fine, but- and I want Connor to have your name, Wes, but-"
"Great, Angelcakes, then that's settled!"
"No, I-" I suck in a breath of frustration. "Lorne can we have a minute?" This is all going just a little too fast. I look down at the little bundle in my arms and the way he's clinging to Wes. Smart boy. Already knows who needs to be held onto in the room. Anchored.
"If he's Wes' son, then he'll legally be his son. Wes should be his legal guardian. I don't even exist. I can't-" I shake my head at them. We'd have to get too many fake documents, and I really, really shouldn't be on paper. That could end up being more dangerous for Connor. Me in the system. What if someone finds out what I am? This is why I don't live in the world. I'm a part of the dark, and my son is not going to worry about that. "It's better for Connor that way," I murmur. It doesn't matter if the law says he's mine. I'll know. Connor will understand.
My hand clutches Wes' arm too, and I look at him unflinchingly. "I want us together." My eyes flick to the teary Lorne and back to Wes. "But I don't want us to rush this." And I don't want to get rushed into it because Lorne thinks it's adorable. And I want some goddamn privacy so that I can stop screwing up with Wes who is just going to hear rejection, isn't he?
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