Your Ex-Lover Is Dead (4/5)
Title: Your Ex-Lover Is Dead (4/5)
Author: only_because3
Rating: M for this chapter
Length: 9,476
Spoilers: None really. Though I do use elements discovered in 1x04
Summary: AU Set in the 1940s. “Have you ever thought about what you would’ve done if you hadn’t had Beth? What you’d be doing now if we hadn’t met?”
Author's Note: So sorry for the long wait! Life took over big time and then when I did have time to write, I wasn't happy with it at all. I actually scrapped most of this chapter twice because I just couldn't get it right. But I'm pretty content with this so I really hope you all enjoy it! Only one more chapter this and then our story is done! Oh! And I realize now I don't think I've explained the German and/or Yiddish words I've used in this story. For this chapter liebling means darling and geliebte means sweetheart, both being German words.
Also, this chapter is very... sweet. I'm really not big on writing stories that are outwardly lovey dovey but, unfortunately/fortunately, that's what I think I've written in this chapter. That could also be why I'm not completely satisfied with what I've written!
--
She doesn’t hear from Rachel for four days. She hasn’t stopped by during her lunch hour or after work and she doesn’t come over at any point on Saturday. On Sunday, Quinn doesn’t pay attention to any of the sermon and spends the moment of silence the congregation participates in for the fallen soldiers (there were twenty more men from the Lima area on the deceased list from Friday to Sunday) wondering if Rachel’s okay.
She ignores most of her housework and instead sits with Beth in the living room, splitting her time watching Beth play and watching the world move outside the house. She’s tried to finish sewing a new dress for Beth and she’s tried to finish reading one of the books she started ages ago. It’s useless though because she can’t stop her mind from wandering (she has the pinpricks on her fingertips to prove it).
On Monday, she can’t take it anymore and spends the entire morning cooking. She makes sure Beth is well entertained so that she can make everything she wants to get to. She makes a fresh loaf of bread, some mashed potatoes and a brisket (this is honestly going to set her back a little bit food wise. She’ll have to get a little creative with her meals for the rest of the week but it’s more than worth it since the only thing she can think to do is cook). She even whips up a pecan pie while she’s waiting for the brisket to finish cooking. She taps her finger against her lips as she looks around the house. Maybe she hadn’t really thought this all the way through considering she doesn’t know how to work Noah’s truck that’s sat untouched in the driveway since he left.
Eventually she makes it over to the Hudson household, Beth’s stroller filled with the food she prepared and Beth walking next to her. She holds her daughter’s hand tightly as they walk up the steps and Quinn sets her daughter on to the porch swing while she gets the food from the stroller. She knocks on the door three times, trying to ignore the fact that there are tons of other baked goods around the door. She waits for a while, even tries knocking again and calling out for Carol, but nobody comes to the door.
She leaves everything on the bench along with a note that the pie needs to be cooked before taking Beth back home.
--
Quinn’s feet fall heavily on each step as she walks down the stairs. She just put Beth down for her nap and now she doesn’t know what to do with herself. She stops on the second to last step, hands coming up to palm her stomach tiredly. From her spot on the stairs, she can see out the living room window. It’s completely still outside. No breeze, no birds, no people or cars. Just a flat landscape portrait with no life to it at all.
She really doesn’t know what to do. She hasn’t cleaned the house in a week (it doesn’t look horrible but she can see how dirty the floors are and the dust gathering on the mantel) and she’s let the laundry pile up for three days. She could easily pick up a rag and dust or wash the curtains but she finds it hard to pull herself away from the windows. She doesn’t want to chance missing Rachel or be caught by surprise when the black government car stops in front of her house.
God she doesn’t know what she’d do if she found out Noah was dead now. She has no idea where Rachel’s at anymore (if the girl is crying her eyes out or wandering around town aimlessly) and she cannot handle losing her husband too. She wouldn’t be able to keep the house or provide anything for her children. She’d have to move back in with her parents and her children would be molded into the perfect Fabrays. She has no doubt that Beth would take Noah’s lack of return almost as hard as she would. Even though she is quite young, Beth’s a complete daddy’s girl and there’s no way her little girl wouldn’t be depressed. And this new baby would never even meet Noah…
There’s a knock on the door and she blinks, breath catching in her throat. She missed it. She was too caught up in her thoughts and now she doesn’t know who is at her door. She doesn’t get very many visitors and she is terrified of what waits for her on the other side. It takes her three steps to reach the door, hand gripping the warm metal knob. She takes a deep breath, running her free hand over her dress and hair before she pulls open the door. She sighs loudly in relief when she sees that it’s just the mailman. “I figured you’d want this as soon as possible so I decided to bring it to the door.”
He gives her a small smile and holds out an envelope with the government logo in the corner. She swallows hard, eyes wide as she stares down at the white envelope blankly. She can hear her heart pounding in her ears and it suddenly feels like there’s a huge weight on her chest that makes breathing a little harder than normal. “Mrs. Puckerman,” he says gently as he takes a step toward her, placing his hand on her shoulder. She blinks and looks up at his face, trying with all of her might to stop herself from tearing up. “If I’m the one delivering the letter, it at least means your husband is alive.”
She nods once, swallowing hard before nodding once more. She takes the envelope from his hand, clutching it so tight that she can hear the crinkle of the envelope. “Th-thank you,” she mutters and she nods again as he turns to leave. She closes the door behind him before she walks into the living room, sitting down at the desk where everything is put away neatly except for the newspaper clipping of Finn’s death. As she looks down at the letter, she realizes she’s crumpled half of it into her palm. She lays it down on the old wood and tries to smooth it out before giving up. She runs her index finger under the seam before pulling out the single sheet of paper.
Her eyes scan the words quickly and then a chocked sob escapes her lips. Her boy is coming home. A little broken according to the letter, but at least in one piece.
“Jesus,” she breathes out, her cheeks immediately flooded with tears. She has been waiting anxiously for this day ever since she saw Noah walk away from her at the train station. Noah, the one boy who makes her feel like a wonderful person even though she’s let down every other person in her life, is finally coming home and she’ll be able to touch him, kiss him, speak to him. Their letters between one another have been scarce, something her mother warned her would happen before Noah even left, and even when she did have the time to sit down to write her husband, she found herself too preoccupied with Rachel. Her whole body slumps again, suddenly feeling guilty about her relationship with the brunette.
Her husband is off fighting in a war, has been wounded to the point of discharge, and what has she been doing? Playing house with a woman. She shivers and shakes her head. No. Rachel is more than that to her. She’s not just someone Quinn is passing the time with. Rachel has done everything Noah has done in a slightly different way and Quinn refuses to sell her time with Rachel short even if she should be loyal to her husband.
Suddenly, she feels a hand on her shoulder, causing the blonde to jump slightly. Rachel tries desperately to smile but can’t find it within her to turn the corners of her lips up. Quinn’s eyes widen, honestly surprised that Rachel is back in the house with her. “I love you,” she says immediately. It comes out of her mouth before she can even process it but it’s the truth and she doesn’t think she could have chosen any better words than those.
“Oh Quinn. I really wish you hadn’t said that.” She takes her hand off Quinn’s shoulder and cups her cheek, thumb stroking pale skin softly.
“But I do. I’m sorry about the way I reacted before. I love you Rachel.” She needs to make sure that Rachel knows this, that some cruel circumstances eventually get in their way and Quinn is left with a million things unsaid.
“Please stop.” She pulls away from Quinn, turns to roam around the living room with her hands shoved in her pockets.
Quinn feels the tears well up in her eyes again but nods. Rachel’s just lost the man who has been her saving grace for the past four years. She doesn’t need Quinn acting like a schoolgirl right now. “You’re still working,” she asks, her voice cracking as she tries not to cry.
Rachel nods, one hand absentmindedly going up to touch the bandana that keeps her hair up and away from her face. “After the second day of being in the house with Carol continuously screaming I had to leave. I can’t be in that house anymore… Too many pictures… Too much of him.” She takes a deep breath and Quinn watches as Rachel forces herself to stay composed. “Working forces me to focus on something else.”
“I’m so sorry Rachel… I…” Quinn doesn’t know what to say. What can she say? Nothing will make Rachel feel better… Nothing she can say or do will bring Finn back. Quinn is used to people leaving (she was there when Noah’s dad left and her own family ostracized her) but she’s not used to people dying. As a matter of fact, she’s never even been to a funeral. She is completely useless right now and it makes her heart hurt even more.
“I was going to marry him.” Rachel’s voice cracks and she turns away from Quinn quickly when it does. “I thought about what you said that day when we went to the movies and you were right. I love Finn. It isn’t like the love you feel for Noah and it’s not exactly what I feel for you but I do. I love him.” She takes another deep breath and Quinn can see that when she clutches the mantel, she grips it so tight that her knuckles turn white. “So when he came back, I decided that if he asked, I would have agreed to marry him.”
Quinn’s eyebrows furrow and Rachel clears her throat before turning to face her friend once more. “But-”
“I know. The entire time I’ve known you, I’ve been preaching about independence. But Finn is…” She pauses and takes a deep breath, eyes closing tight as she continues. “Finn was a good man and he takes very good care of me. Being his wife would have been wonderful and it would have done an excellent job of helping me forget about you.”
“What do you mean forget about me,” Quinn asks and she blinks roughly so she doesn’t start crying again.
“I’m not stupid Quinn. I know that when Noah comes back you will be his wife again. And the… friendship we have will no longer be an option.”
“Why not? You can still come over Rachel. You can still go shopping with me and help me with Beth… I don’t want you to leave.” She bites her tongue before she can say ‘I love you’ again.
“Do you really think Noah would approve? I wouldn’t call our friendship normal. I don’t think it could be considered a friendship at all…”
“I don’t want to lose you though… This past week has been unbearable without you Rachel.” She hates how childish she sounds right now. She knows that Rachel’s week must have been ten times worse than her own and Quinn really should be trying to comfort the other girl instead of being selfish. She should be asking how Rachel’s been doing. If she’s been eating and if she’s been getting enough sleep. She should offer to go over to the Hudson house and clean and cook and try to some how calm Carol down.
“I know Quinn. That’s why I wanted you to stop saying that you love me. You’ve just made it ten times harder for me to stay away.” Quinn pushes herself up from her spot on the chair, one hand bracing her lower back as she does so. She waddles over to Rachel who takes a cautious step back. “Finn was someone I could have spent the rest of my life with and he would have made me feel like I was the best thing to ever happen to him. And I know he would have made me feel okay with the fact that I didn’t have you… You have Noah to be that person for you but now I have no one.”
“I’m still here Rachel.”
“But you won’t be for very long. After I found out about Finn, I spent approximately 13 hours crying. Then I decided that crying was going to get me nowhere and so I started thinking. And do you know what I’ve come up with Quinn? Absolutely nothing. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to leave Carol because I know she won’t be able to handle being alone but I can’t be in that house for more than a second without wanting to cry or kick something. I don’t even think I can stay in this city anymore without some sort of ache in my chest. It reminds me too much of Finn and I automatically want to come here and see you.”
“We can still see one another. It would just have to be a little different… I don’t want to not see you. I don’t think I can.”
Rachel sighs and shakes her head. “I’d rather have nothing at all than anything less than what we have now.”
Quinn’s whole body slumps and she opens her mouth to say something but the words never come. She knows Rachel is right. Out of sight, out of mind would probably hurt her heart less than seeing Rachel everyday and not having the closeness they have now. Noah is an extremely jealous man and Quinn knows for a fact that he would not be okay with Rachel always touching her in one form or another. If he were to find out Quinn’s kissed Rachel… She swallows hard. She doesn’t want to think about what Noah would do. “I love you,” she breathes out because she doesn’t think there is anything else she can say.
They both know that this is the beginning of their end.
Rachel smiles for the first time since she came over (it’s actually the first time Rachel’s smiled in a week). “I love you too Quinn. Very, very much so.”
Quinn nods, biting her bottom lip as she bunches the fabric of her dress in her fists. “What do we do now?”
“I’m not really sure.”
Quinn nods and then clears her throat. “You’ll be leaving soon won’t you?” Rachel looks up at Quinn whose eyes are completely glossed over with tears.
“Please don’t cry Quinn.” Rachel takes a step forward, hand reaching to grab the blonde’s hand but this time Quinn retreats from her.
“I’m pregnant and hormonal and you’ve just told me you’re leaving. How do you expect me not to cry?” Rachel smiles, reaching for Quinn again and this time Quinn ends up falling into the brunette’s touch.
“I’m still here now Quinn. We can still have today at the very least.”
“I’m so sorry,” Quinn breathes out. “I’m a blubbering mess. I should be comforting you! Finn died and yet I can’t push my own heartache aside to help you for once.” She feels Rachel’s fingers lace through hers, her other hand coming up to palm Quinn’s neck. “Do you need to cry? Because you can cry too. Oh goodness, I feel like Beth right now.” Rachel laughs lightly and rises on to her tiptoes, quickly placing a soft kiss against Quinn’s lips. Quinn’s eyes widen just before she blinks rapidly, a smile crawling on to her face.
“You’ve helped me a lot more than you think my liebling.” Quinn bites her bottom lip for a moment, blushing because that seems to be her natural reaction when Rachel says things like that to her. “I know you don’t think that you have because I do so many tangible things for you but you have in other ways Quinn. And I’m going to keep that with me forever.”
“I hate this you know. I hate how unfair this entire situation is.”
Rachel nods and plays with a loose strand of hair at the nape of Quinn’s neck. “This was going to be ending soon anyway Quinn. We’ve had an expiration date since I saw you looking at me at the train station.”
“I still don’t like it very much,” Quinn answers with a pout, the hand that’s not grasping tightly on to Rachel’s coming up to play with the extra fabric that bunches at the shorter girl’s hip.
“Beth really did get quite a lot from you didn’t she?” Quinn giggles and grips Rachel’s hip before glancing out the window behind her. It still looks still outside but she feels better about the lifelessness outside now that Rachel’s here with her. Her eyes return to Rachel’s and she smiles before letting out a small yawn. Even though she’s done nothing all day (all week really), she’s cried her fair share of tears and she thinks that she deserves to feel a little drained. “Come on. You should be sitting down. Your back must be killing you.”
“It’s fine Rachel.” The brunette shakes her head and untangles herself from Quinn but keeping their hands linked together. “I’ve done nothing but worry all week.”
Rachel’s eyes widen and she attempts to drop Quinn’s hand but the blonde grips tighter to the tan skin because she’s not sure she can take Rachel being any further away from her. “Have you gotten around to your garden? I wouldn’t fault you if you did, even though you know I don’t think you should, because I wasn’t here.” Rachel starts walking towards the kitchen but Quinn tugs on her hand once they get to the foot of the stairs.
“I’ve had Beth help me a little because I don’t think I could actually get back off the ground if I tried. There are still a lot of veggies out there that we just didn’t get to.”
“Why don’t you go take a nap upstairs? I’ll go work on the garden and you can rest.” Quinn frowns slightly but Rachel squeezes her hand before pushing her towards the stairs. “Go on. I’ll be up when I’m done.”
“Please make sure you get a cup of water. It’s hot out and I don’t want you passing out,” Quinn says as she starts going up the stairs, looking over her shoulder to make sure Rachel nods.
--
It’s even hotter upstairs and Quinn actually huffs and puffs a little bit in order to make it up the stairs. She peeks in on Beth who is sleeping like a rock, the blanket Quinn laid over her bunched up at her feet. She runs her hand through her daughter’s curls softly and the girl shifts in her sleep, thumb finding its way into her mouth. Once she’s satisfied that her daughter is fast asleep and safe, she crosses the hall to her bedroom. She pulls her hair up so that it’s off her neck, wishing that she had opted to pull it up this morning when she got dressed instead of leaving it down. It’s unbearably hot in here, even warmer than Beth’s room, and she realizes just how sweaty the trip up the stairs made her. Her dress sticks to her skin uncomfortably and she grimaces at the feel of damp fabric against her back.
She unbuttons her dress quickly, sighing when a small gust of air hits her bare back as she pulls her arms out of the fabric. She holds on to the edge of the dresser as she steps out of her dress, straightening out as she tosses it in the hamper by her vanity. She walks over to her closet, hands coming to rest on a blue dress that’s sandwiched in between a dress from last summer and one of Rachel’s. Her other hand comes up to finger the yellow fabric of her old summer dress, smiling sadly. It’s a beautiful dress, bright and vibrant with a fitted waist and a hem that falls at her knees. She doubts she’d be able to get the dress over her chest now and she briefly wonders if she’ll be able to fit into it next year. Her body had changed slightly after Beth (her hips widened, breasts stayed a little bigger, waist an inch bigger than before) and the dress was a tight fit then so she doubts it’ll fit after this pregnancy.
She sighs and pulls her clean dress off the hanger, grimacing at the heavy, scratchy feel of the fabric. She slips her arms though the cap sleeves as she looks at Rachel’s dress. It was the one the brunette was wearing the day Quinn kissed her in the dining room. A small smile appears on her face, her fingers leaving the buttons on her dress to run over the floral pattern on Rachel’s dress. Rachel always seems to wear such dark clothes, save for the first time Quinn ever saw her. She’d love to see the girl in a vibrant color, perhaps in a purple or a red, maybe even in the yellow dress that sits next to it. She closes her eyes and lets her mind wander a little bit, imagining Rachel in the kitchen with Beth. Beth’s dressed in the blue dress she adores (most Sundays she’ll refuse to wear any other dress to church) and Rachel’s in Quinn’s yellow dress. They sit on the floor like they do every time Quinn cooks, playing with the assortment of dolls and stuffed animals Beth drops at their feet. Their dresses are fanned out around them, their hair pulled back into curly ponytails, bright sun spilling in through the window and illuminating their laughing faces. She opens her eyes as she exhales.
She desperately wishes she had more time with Rachel. She’s finally realized just how amazing her friendship with the brunette could be, just how much more they could have now that she’s acknowledged her full feelings. She lies down in bed, forgetting completely about buttoning her dress, as she realizes her body aches in every way possible. Her heart beats heavily against her chest, torn between breaking with sadness and swelling with joy.
Her husband, her wonderful Noah, is finally coming home. She hasn’t seen him in almost nine months and she realizes that this time has been the longest she’s ever been apart from him for the past 12 years. They’d gone to school together for years before they got together, weekends the only time they were separated. She rolls on to her side tiredly when she realizes she’d never be able to leave her family. She may not be content with the way her life’s turned out but she doesn’t think she could do anything if she knew Noah was alive and not with her. And now, in a few short weeks, he’ll be home in her arms.
But, in order to get back the one man who has ever truly loved her, she must give up Rachel, the only other person besides Noah who made her feel some sort of worth. Rachel had been a wonderful friend to her since the very first time they met, staying completely non-judgmental about Quinn’s out of order way of doing things and helping Quinn with the parts of everyday life that were slowly consuming her. She understood Quinn and with every touch or look made the blonde feel everything she felt with Noah. It was exciting to feel so wanted by someone again, someone who also reminded her that she was her own person who deserved to be selfish sometimes. Now she has to give Rachel up before she’s even had the chance to really have her and it kills her a little bit inside.
She wipes the light sheen of sweat from her forehead as she rolls on to her other side, eyes closing tiredly as she hears the back door shut downstairs.
--
The moment she steps into the kitchen, she cries. Her smile drops from her face, her shoulders sag, and she lets out a sob before she claps a hand over her mouth. She knows Quinn would be back down here in an instant if she knew she was crying which would probably cause Quinn herself to cry and Rachel doesn’t want or need that. She closes her eyes tightly, pushing the heels of her hands so hard against her eyes that she sees colors on her eyelids before she fills her lungs with air.
Rachel has come to realize that the life she’s been given is extremely unfair. Her family back home was unconventional. The house was always full, always noisy, always smelled like different foods but honestly, up until she was 10, she was never entirely sure who everyone was and why they were there. She always knew who her father was (after all, what kind of girl didn’t know her father?). He was the one she sat next to at the dinner table, the one who would tuck her in at night, the one who would walk her to school in the morning. And then there was Shelby. She supposes Shelby was her mother but she was never very sure. She acted like a mother but the most she ever saw between Shelby and her father was friendship. They would laugh and joke and make sure Rachel was safe and healthy, but they were never romantic. So, for the longest time, Rachel was never sure if Shelby was her mother. Aren’t mothers and fathers supposed to be married? That’s what all her teachers had told her growing up.
But as Rachel grew older, she noticed things. She noticed that her Uncle Leroy wasn’t exactly her uncle. He was much more touchy with her daddy than Shelby was and he sat on the other side of him at dinner. They were the ones who shared a room with one bed and when Rachel was nine, she saw the two kiss as they cooked dinner. One slip in nine years and Rachel really has to congratulate them for being so private when she was such a nosy child. It wasn’t until right before they sent her off that she realized what her father was.
She realized that her father and uncle were obviously in love after she had seen them in the kitchen and that made them homosexuals. She wrinkles her nose when she thinks the word. It sounds disgustingly clinical and made it sound like they were perhaps doing something wrong. And, as it turns out, Germany did think they were doing something wrong.
She may have had an unconventional family but they loved her and they all loved each other, though in different ways, but that unconventionality put an expiration date on her family. Not only was most of her family Jewish (the only people who weren’t were her Uncle Leroy and her Aunt Barbra), but her daddy and Uncle Leroy were homosexuals which meant that if any Nazi found out…
Rachel squeezes her eyes shut again because she doesn’t want to invite any of the images of her father and uncle in a camp and at the hands of a Nazi into her head. She swallows hard and walks over to the sink, taking a cup from on the counter and filling it with water. The point is, her family is suffering. And if they’re not suffering then they’re dead. It’s as simple as that and Rachel thinks it’s idiotic that she has to accept that much. She remembers sitting in the living room in front of the large bay window and listening silently as they discussed what they should do and who they should send to America. Shelby sat next to her on the floor, hand holding tightly on to hers as she stared at Grandpa. He was too old and so sending him to America would have been stupid.
“This is my home. They can’t scare me out of my country. And what kind of life could I build as an old man in a new country anyways?” he had said hoarsely in German (Yiddish was forbidden in her house at that point just to make them a little safer) and everyone around seemed to nod (she can only think of how quickly her Grandpa must have died being in one of those camps). Uncle Leroy wouldn’t leave without her daddy and vice versa. Shelby looked at her sadly before saying that she wouldn’t leave without Hiram because they decided during their childhood that it would be them until the very end and she wouldn’t leave him now.
She remembers that they could only afford to send two. And because so many wouldn’t leave without someone else, it was decided that Aunt Barbra would accompany her to America. She feels guilty now that one of those tickets was always hers, that there was never a question of if she would go but with whom. They sent them with as much as they could carry without looking suspicious and they got out of Germany quietly. But there was some sort of hang up in France and everything happened so fast that Rachel’s still not very sure what happened. All she can remember is her aunt shoving her bag into her hands and telling her to run to the ship as fast as she could. They weren’t very far from the dock and she doesn’t understand why they couldn’t still go together but her aunt had looked more worried than Rachel had ever seen so she did as she was told.
It’s not fair that she was sent to America. She thinks that most of her family should have gone before her. After all, she was just a girl and if she was going to be put into one of those camps and possibly die, at least she was just a child. Her life had no meaning yet and if that meant someone who already had so much in the world got to live then she thinks she would have been okay with dying. She would have probably been terrified and in pain but in the larger scheme of things, she thinks she would have been okay with dying. It’s not fair that she got to live and her family didn’t.
But they sent her because they loved her which meant that Rachel swore she would live a life that they’d be proud of. She was brought into a wonderfully amazing family. They were a little broken but they had enough room in their home and hearts to let her in. Carol Hudson became the mother she never really had and did her best to make Rachel feel like she was living in a house full of people. And Finn became the friend she never had. Back home she was always thought of as weird and since her family wasn’t like the other families, she was often cast aside in school. She was bright and book smart but socially Rachel was never really sure what to do. It didn’t matter when Rachel came from a house full of people who loved her but when she was suddenly in a new, foreign country, it made her feel more alone than she could have thought. But Finn introduced her to people, took her out, and brought her out of her shell that she’d slipped into during her first year in America.
Now Finn is dead and Carol is hurting because she’s lost the two men in her life and Rachel is once again reminded of how unfair life is.
And she’s about to lose the only good thing left in her life.
Despite Quinn’s declarations of love (which made Rachel feel so unbelievably warm inside when she’d felt so cold all week), Quinn is decidedly very conscious of what she does. She doesn’t like doing things that will upset her family or her husband. She worships God every Sunday and Rachel’s not sure she’s ever seen Quinn not pray before a meal. Rachel knows that being gay is not something the Lord allows, no matter which God is being prayed to. It is true that most of Quinn’s religious beliefs seem to stem from her parents and, though Rachel knows Quinn wishes to be nothing like them, it is still something Quinn holds in high regard. And she loves Noah with all of her heart and hurting him is not something she would try to do. Rachel’s honestly surprised Quinn told her she loved her but she also knows that that’s the most she’ll ever get. Quinn would never leave Noah and even if she were to, Rachel’s not looking to be persecuted like her father, which may sound selfish, but it’s the truth. Being gay in America isn’t any less scary than it was in Germany and she doesn’t want Quinn or herself to go through anything similar to what she saw back home. Besides, Rachel has loved a man. If she loved one before, well, she’ll just have to make herself love another one in the future.
It’s not fair that she has to do without Quinn and it’s not fair that she’ll end up settling for some man that will come along. Rachel is incredibly tired of how unfair everything is but she’s alive and she may as well make use of that.
And if she’s found the strength to come say goodbye to the blonde then she’s going to make use of it.
Rachel rolls her shoulders back and wipes the tears from her face. She grabs the basket Quinn uses to gather the produce from next to the back door and walks into the blazing heat.
--
Before Quinn really registers it, she’s fallen asleep. She only knows this because she can hear someone in her room trying to be quiet but failing. She opens one eye slowly, looking towards the hardwood floors, suspecting Beth has once again woken up from her nap and snuck in the room to play with the few things Quinn keeps under the bed. She doesn’t see the blonde head of her daughter and instead finds jumpsuit covered legs. She blinks and then opens both eyes, yawning as she pushes herself up into a sitting position. “Did I wake you,” Rachel asks from her spot in front of Quinn’s closet, the dress that the blonde had touched earlier in her hands.
Quinn shakes her head even though Rachel had woke her up because if this is one of the last days she gets to spend with Rachel then she doesn’t want to spend it sleeping. She notices that Rachel’s opened the windows in the room, trying to make it a little less hot but it doesn’t do very much because there is absolutely no breeze outside. The brunette tosses her dress over Quinn’s vanity chair and she watches silently as Rachel unbuttons her jumpsuit. Rachel’s changed in front of her before and the brunette has seen her naked so it really shouldn’t be a big deal anymore. Still Quinn feels a pull in her heart telling her that she shouldn’t be looking at Rachel that way and a burning low in her belly wishing Rachel would undress faster. Rachel pulls her arms out of the sleeves, letting the fabric gather on top of her hips as she fans her face and breathes out heavily. “It’s almost cooler outside,” she says, laughing lightly as she turns to give Quinn a small smile.
Quinn notices that Rachel’s eyes are red rimmed and Rachel must notice too because she quickly ducks her head, murmuring “I’m fine Quinn. It’s okay.”
She nods though she knows it’s not okay and she isn’t fine (after all, Quinn knows just how important happy appearances are) and instead looks at Rachel as she unzips the rest of her jumpsuit. “You’re so beautiful,” she sighs as she blinks tiredly, smiling widely when she sees a blush on Rachel’s cheeks.
She finishes stepping out of her jumpsuit, leaving it in a pile on the floor at her feet. “You know,” she starts, ignoring comment with a tiny smile, “you’re usually very polite when I change. And I think that I’m quite courteous whenever I help you in the bath.”
“Do you want me to look away,” Quinn asks, playfully bringing a hand up to cover her eyes. “I figure I should make use of today and enjoy the sight of you undressing since our time is limited, but if it makes you uncomfortable…” Quinn parts her index and middle fingers, a wide grin forming under her hand when she sees Rachel’s face right in front of her.
“I’m not sure I’ve ever met this confident Quinn before,” she comments, bringing the blonde’s hand away from her face. “Not that I don’t enjoy it or that you were any less amazing before.” Their fingers lace together flawlessly and Quinn hums in contentment, her eyes closing sleepily.
“I wouldn’t call it confidence. I’ve just always been honest in the bedroom.” She’ not sure if she should bring up Noah. Rachel has never had a problem with her husband before but now that Finn is dead and their time together is even shorter than before…
“Finn was never like that. Actually, Finn couldn’t even watch me undress without flushing all over, closing his eyes, and mumbling under his breath.” Rachel’s smile is a little sad now and Quinn squeezes her hand as she opens her eyes.
“Noah has never been like that. He’s always been very… forward as it pertains to sex and I suppose that trickled down into me. He’s always encouraged me to tell him what I like and what I don’t, and I quite like watching you undress because I think you are the most gorgeous woman I’ve ever met.”
Rachel blushes again, shaking her head lightly. “I highly doubt that Quinn.”
“Then maybe you’re not as smart as I once thought you were,” she says softly, dropping Rachel’s hand as she pushes herself up so that she can sit with her back against the headboard. “You are beautiful Rachel.”
“I wouldn’t say I’m the most gorgeous though.” Rachel sits down on the edge of the bed, putting her dress down on her lap as she does so.
“To me, you are.” Rachel locks eyes with Quinn who gives her a bright smile, blonde hair falling in a messy halo around her face. “Which is why I’m happy that you have yet to put your dress on.” Rachel rolls her eyes, smiling widely despite herself.
“I never thought I’d hear such words come out of your mouth. Even if we are in your bedroom,” she says, nudging her body into Quinn’s side.
“Could you imagine if my mother heard me now?” Rachel giggles at the thought of Judy Fabray’s face. Not only would be horrified by the actual words Quinn’s been saying but she’d probably be appalled at the fact that Rachel is on the receiving end. “It took me a lot of time to become comfortable saying things like that to Noah because my mother taught me that saying things like that were horribly unladylike. I used to blush even worse than you did when Noah would get me to whisper things like that and they’re not even that horrible. After all, why not tell the person you love the things you love about them in such an intimate way?”
Rachel brings her hand up to Quinn’s stomach, clean fingers touching the exposed slit of skin softly. “What do you love about Noah?”
Quinn tilts her head to the side, eyes focused on Rachel’s fingers doing dances on her skin. “I love that Noah showed me that there’s more to life than what my parents expected of me. I love that he played with Beth everyday before he left. I love that he doesn’t get out of bed in the morning without kissing my shoulder. I love that he always ‘accidentally’ walked into the bathroom when I was getting out of the tub. I love the way his muscles flex when we make love. I love that he doesn’t think I look disgusting when I’m pregnant. I love the face he makes when he’s about to release. I love his smile, the slope of his nose, and the way his left eyebrow wrinkles when he laughs.”
Rachel’s fingers push back Quinn’s dress a little, revealing a small stretch mark that she runs the pad of her finger over. “You’re a beautiful pregnant woman. Not that I’ve seen any naked pregnant women before, but you’re something to behold.”
“My stomach is disgusting and my breasts balloon up so much that I look un-proportionate.” Rachel opens her mouth to protest but Quinn shakes her head. “What do you love about Finn?”
She stares at Quinn’s stomach, tracing each and every stretch mark she sees as she thinks the question over. “I love his smile. It was big and kind of goofy looking most of the time but when he needed it to, he could look very charming with it. I love how at first he’d shyly reach for my hand but then hold on to it tightly until we had to let go. I love how much he wanted to take care of Carol and make her proud. I love how hard he’d try to learn German and Yiddish for me. I love how carefully he’d undress me whenever we were intimate. I love how big his hands were, strong but gentle. And how he made sure he touched every inch of my body with them the night before he left.” Rachel glances up at Quinn’s face only to find the blonde staring back at her intently. She clears her throat and lays her hand flat on Quinn’s round stomach. “What is it that you love about me?”
“I love how wonderfully honest you are with me because, in return, I feel like I can completely honest with you. I love how strong you are. You came to a new country on your own and have absolutely flourished here. Though sometimes I think you deserve to break down and when you do, I wish you’d let someone be there for you instead of crying in the backyard.” Quinn gives her a pointed look only to have Rachel shake her head with a small, almost guilty smile. “I love how selfless and selfish you are at the same time. I love how well you get along with my daughter. I love how well you take care of me even though you have absolutely no obligation to. I love when you sing. I love that you care so much about Carol. I love the way you your nose scrunches up when you laugh really hard at something. I love how you look flawless all the time even though I’ve never seen any make up on you. And I love how soft your lips feel against mine.”
Rachel’s hand glides down the curve of Quinn’s rounding stomach, stopping once she hit’s the elastic of her underwear. She notices how the blonde’s breath catches in her throat and she meets Quinn’s eyes briefly when she notices the blonde’s hips shifting up into her hand. “What do you love about me,” Quinn asks, voice less confidant than it was before but eyes still strong and locked on Rachel’s face.
“Absolutely everything,” she answers as her pinky nudges the waistband of Quinn’s underwear. “As verbose as I am, I don’t think I could ever fully and accurately describe everything I love about you. You’re simply beyond everything I could imagine. You’re more than gorgeous, more than intelligent. You’re the best cook I’ve ever encountered and that covers two different countries. You’re an amazing mother though I know you don’t agree…” Rachel pauses and takes a deep breath, the hand that lies in her lap suddenly clutching on to her dress tightly. “For whatever reason, you make me feel more at home than I have since I left Germany.”
Quinn smiles softly, hand coming up to palm Rachel’s cheek. “I think I just realized how much I’m going to miss you and it’s so much more than I originally thought,” she says quietly before moving her hand to cover Rachel’s, nudging it lower.
Rachel’s hand doesn’t budge but still stays pressed against her skin as she shakes her head. “We can’t come back from this Quinn. Everything before this could be disguised as a very strong form of friendship but this? This is cheating… I know we won’t be around each other for much longer but this breaks a vow.”
“I don’t care,” Quinn replies instantly, shocking herself when she realizes that she is being 100% honest. She loves Noah, she really does, but at this very moment she can’t imagine not going through with this.
Quinn recalls her mother once telling a friend that all wives have a secret that their husbands will never find out about and if this is Quinn’s then so be it.
“I love you and I want you.” That’s all it takes for Rachel to grip the fabric of Quinn’s underwear and pull them down her legs. The blonde kicks them off when they reach her ankles and Rachel stands up, her dress falling to the hard wood floors as she climbs in between Quinn’s legs. Her hands run up pale skin, fingers tracing imaginary patterns as they move upwards. Quinn’s hips shift slightly, inching them closer to Rachel as her legs widen gradually. She wishes she could see what’s about to happen but her stomach hides everything above her knees when she’s lying almost entirely flat on her back. She watches as Rachel’s hands disappear before glancing up at her face when she feels light touches reach her thighs. Rachel bites her bottom lip nervously as her fingers dip to the insides of Quinn’s things.
“I’ve never done this before,” she murmurs. She glances up at Quinn and blushes slightly. She’s never been shy about her body or about sex, but this is the first time she’s been the more outwardly dominant one and the first time she’s done anything like this where she can actually see what’s happening. “Well, I’ve never done anything like this to someone other than myself.” She runs her index finger along the line where hip meets thigh, smiling when Quinn’s breath hitches in her throat.
“I’ve never done that… It’s a sin,” she breathes out and Rachel chuckles as her finger finally comes into contact with coarse blonde curls.
“Well then I’m honored you’ve decided to embark on this sin with me,” Rachel replies with a small laugh, pushing Quinn’s left leg out wider as her fingers trail the length of her slit. Quinn’s hips buck slightly at the contact and the hand that laid on her thigh moves up to grip Quinn’s hip, thumb rubbing soft circles into her skin as her now wet fingers move up to Quinn’s clit. It’s weird doing this from this angle but when Quinn releases a soft oh when Rachel presses against her small bud and rubs a tight circle against it. She lets her hand trail back down, taking her eyes off her hand to watch Quinn’s face as she slowly dips finger inside the blonde.
Her eyes are screwed shut and her lips are parted as she lets out something between a moan and a whimper. Her blonde hair has already begun to stick to her forehead (something Rachel attributes to the heat in their small Ohio town rather than her own slow, torturous work on Quinn) and then suddenly Quinn’s eyes peek open, hazel eyes locking with her own as she chokes out, “More.” Rachel nods slightly, leaning down to leave a kiss on the exposed, rounded skin in front of her as she slips another finger inside Quinn, this time picking up her pace with each stroke. She perches her chin on Quinn’s stomach, smiling when she feels Quinn’s hips meet her every single thrust before her eyes focus on the blonde’s hand coming up to cup her chest. She watches Quinn’s fingers hesitantly run her finger over her nipple before bringing it between two of her fingers and twisting lightly. Rachel bites her lip at the site, her hand slowing as she stares at Quinn tending to her chest. Quinn groans, half in pleasure and half in frustration, tilting the head to her side with a raised brow. “As much as I appreciate you being captivated by me,” she says, breathing labored and shallow, “I would very much like you to continue what you were doing before.”
Rachel laughs just before pressing her lips just under Quinn’s belly button. “Of course liebling,” she answers into the soft skin against her mouth, her hand immediately moving inside the blonde again. This time she doesn’t ease into it, instead matches the pace she left off with and moves her thumb so that she can continuously rub Quinn’s clit.
Quinn can’t believe this. She’s finally here, with Rachel. Rachel, the girl who saved her from an old woman trying to steal from her. Rachel, the girl who can get her daughter to stop throwing fits with ease. Rachel, the girl who tells her to sit down and rest when she needs it. Rachel, the girl who forced her to remember who she was. Rachel, this beautiful, gorgeously smart woman who fell into Quinn’s life by absolute chance. And Quinn thinks she can actually feel her heart swelling beneath her chest she’s so happy that Rachel is here with her, in this moment, touching her like she is and making her feel like this is a moment of absolute perfection. It’s funny, she thinks, that two damaged people in such a broken world can feel like everything is completely okay.
She desperately grabs for the hand that rests on her hip, lacing her fingers with Rachel’s and tugging the brunette upwards. She wants more, needs more, and Rachel straddles the leg she abandoned in order to get closer. Her stomach gets in the way slightly, Rachel having to slither around it in order to reach Quinn’s face comfortably. She feels Rachel’s lips press against hers just as she feels fingers curl inside of her and Quinn gasps into Rachel’s mouth at the feeling. Quinn’s fingers tangle in chocolate hair, running her tongue along Rachel’s bottom lip before nipping at it lightly as she feels everything start pooling in her belly. Rachel pulls back, resting her forehead against Quinn’s as she watches the blonde’s scrunched up face. Quinn’s lips are parted, letting out a series of tiny little moans before Rachel presses a little harder against her clit and then suddenly Quinn moans loudly, causing the brunette to smile widely. “Let go geliebte,” she whispers and Quinn’s toes curl, gasping as her body goes rigid before she exhales, body melting into the sheets as she cums.
She pants heavily as Rachel peppers her face with feather light kisses. “Oh goodness,” she breathes out and Rachel laughs, really laughs, before kissing her once more before sitting up, resting on Quinn’s leg. She finds Rachel’s hand again and squeezes it before trailing up her arm, toying with the thing strap of Rachel’s bra. The young German woman smiles deviously while simultaneously blushing, something Quinn wasn’t sure was possible but finds adorable anyway. She slips a red fingernail beneath the white strap, causing it to fall off Rachel’s tan shoulder and the cup sags, revealing more skin on her chest. Quinn bites her lip as she drags her nail to the drooping fabric, pushing it down and running her nails over Rachel’s hard nipple. She arches into Quinn’s touch, body moving against her pale thigh and Rachel shivers at the sensation it causes between her legs. It doesn’t go unnoticed by the blonde beneath her and Quinn pushes her leg up at the same time she runs her thumb over the stiff peek on Rachel’s breast, smiling when the other girl moans.
Quinn moves her other hand to Rachel’s hip, pushing the other woman down firmly and urging her to slide forward faster. Rachel lets her head fall back as her hips move at Quinn’s direction, tongue darting out to wet her swollen lips as she focuses on the feel of the fabric against her slick skin as she thrusts forward on Quinn’s thigh. She whimpers, eyebrows scrunching together as Quinn moves Rachel’s hips faster against her, nails digging into caramel skin. Her whole body feels like it’s on fire and she can feel sweat forming on every inch of her skin.
It’s weird but empowering to know that she’s the reason Rachel is feeling like this. The reason she’s making all these wonderful sounds that Quinn has never heard another woman make before, let alone be the one to evoke them. Her nails drag up and down Rachel’s bent leg as the brunette starts panting, hand going up to push the hair that’s escaped her bandana back. Quinn can feel the wet spot on her thigh growing and she massages Rachel’s breast briefly before tweaking her nipple roughly, causing Rachel’s legs to tighten around her legs as she slumps forward, her arms catching herself before she falls on to Quinn’s belly. She shudders and her breathing stops for a moment before she takes in a deep breath, rolling her shoulders back as her hips stop moving against Quinn.
Quinn’s hands grasp Rachel’s arms, steadying her as much as she can before cupping Rachel’s warm cheeks. “Okay?” she asks and Rachel exhales through her nose before nodding as she rolls off of Quinn and lays down next to her.
Rachel pushes her now sticky briefs down, kicking them off the bed before grabbing one of Quinn’s crocheted blankets from the top of the trunk at the end of the bed. She tosses it over the two of them, covering them from the hips down before finding Quinn’s hand and lacing their fingers. “Noah’s coming home isn’t he?” They both turn to look at each other and Rachel somehow manages to smile when the corners of Quinn’s lip downturn. “It’s okay Quinn.”
“I miss him so much but I know that once he comes back that means I’ll start missing you,” she whispers and Rachel nods, reaching across herself to smooth Quinn’s hair back. “I love you.”
“I love you too.” Quinn scoots closer to the girl, rolling her eyes when the open dress she’s still wearing gets tangled and tightens uncomfortably around her shoulders. She drops a kiss down on to Rachel’s shoulder before placing her head there, rounded stomach pressing now pressing into Rachel’s side. “When does he come home?”
Quinn wraps an arm across Rachel’s waist and sighs. “Two weeks.”
Rachel can feel Quinn’s eyelashes moving with each blink against her skin, closing her own eyes when she feels Quinn do the same. “I think I should stay away after this then.” Quinn raises her head, probably looking at her in protest but she keeps her eyes closed and shakes her head. “You need time to get used to not having me around.”
“I suppose I could protest but what good would that do? You’re almost as stubborn as I am and I can’t force you to come see me,” Quinn replies, dropping a few kisses along Rachel’s collarbone before putting her head back down, breathing in deep. She wants to commit Rachel’s smell to memory before she has to erase it from the house. “Will you stay for dinner?”
“Of course.” She feels Quinn’s eyes close again and Rachel brings her hand to Quinn’s hair, running her fingers through golden strands.
Author: only_because3
Rating: M for this chapter
Length: 9,476
Spoilers: None really. Though I do use elements discovered in 1x04
Summary: AU Set in the 1940s. “Have you ever thought about what you would’ve done if you hadn’t had Beth? What you’d be doing now if we hadn’t met?”
Author's Note: So sorry for the long wait! Life took over big time and then when I did have time to write, I wasn't happy with it at all. I actually scrapped most of this chapter twice because I just couldn't get it right. But I'm pretty content with this so I really hope you all enjoy it! Only one more chapter this and then our story is done! Oh! And I realize now I don't think I've explained the German and/or Yiddish words I've used in this story. For this chapter liebling means darling and geliebte means sweetheart, both being German words.
Also, this chapter is very... sweet. I'm really not big on writing stories that are outwardly lovey dovey but, unfortunately/fortunately, that's what I think I've written in this chapter. That could also be why I'm not completely satisfied with what I've written!
--
She doesn’t hear from Rachel for four days. She hasn’t stopped by during her lunch hour or after work and she doesn’t come over at any point on Saturday. On Sunday, Quinn doesn’t pay attention to any of the sermon and spends the moment of silence the congregation participates in for the fallen soldiers (there were twenty more men from the Lima area on the deceased list from Friday to Sunday) wondering if Rachel’s okay.
She ignores most of her housework and instead sits with Beth in the living room, splitting her time watching Beth play and watching the world move outside the house. She’s tried to finish sewing a new dress for Beth and she’s tried to finish reading one of the books she started ages ago. It’s useless though because she can’t stop her mind from wandering (she has the pinpricks on her fingertips to prove it).
On Monday, she can’t take it anymore and spends the entire morning cooking. She makes sure Beth is well entertained so that she can make everything she wants to get to. She makes a fresh loaf of bread, some mashed potatoes and a brisket (this is honestly going to set her back a little bit food wise. She’ll have to get a little creative with her meals for the rest of the week but it’s more than worth it since the only thing she can think to do is cook). She even whips up a pecan pie while she’s waiting for the brisket to finish cooking. She taps her finger against her lips as she looks around the house. Maybe she hadn’t really thought this all the way through considering she doesn’t know how to work Noah’s truck that’s sat untouched in the driveway since he left.
Eventually she makes it over to the Hudson household, Beth’s stroller filled with the food she prepared and Beth walking next to her. She holds her daughter’s hand tightly as they walk up the steps and Quinn sets her daughter on to the porch swing while she gets the food from the stroller. She knocks on the door three times, trying to ignore the fact that there are tons of other baked goods around the door. She waits for a while, even tries knocking again and calling out for Carol, but nobody comes to the door.
She leaves everything on the bench along with a note that the pie needs to be cooked before taking Beth back home.
--
Quinn’s feet fall heavily on each step as she walks down the stairs. She just put Beth down for her nap and now she doesn’t know what to do with herself. She stops on the second to last step, hands coming up to palm her stomach tiredly. From her spot on the stairs, she can see out the living room window. It’s completely still outside. No breeze, no birds, no people or cars. Just a flat landscape portrait with no life to it at all.
She really doesn’t know what to do. She hasn’t cleaned the house in a week (it doesn’t look horrible but she can see how dirty the floors are and the dust gathering on the mantel) and she’s let the laundry pile up for three days. She could easily pick up a rag and dust or wash the curtains but she finds it hard to pull herself away from the windows. She doesn’t want to chance missing Rachel or be caught by surprise when the black government car stops in front of her house.
God she doesn’t know what she’d do if she found out Noah was dead now. She has no idea where Rachel’s at anymore (if the girl is crying her eyes out or wandering around town aimlessly) and she cannot handle losing her husband too. She wouldn’t be able to keep the house or provide anything for her children. She’d have to move back in with her parents and her children would be molded into the perfect Fabrays. She has no doubt that Beth would take Noah’s lack of return almost as hard as she would. Even though she is quite young, Beth’s a complete daddy’s girl and there’s no way her little girl wouldn’t be depressed. And this new baby would never even meet Noah…
There’s a knock on the door and she blinks, breath catching in her throat. She missed it. She was too caught up in her thoughts and now she doesn’t know who is at her door. She doesn’t get very many visitors and she is terrified of what waits for her on the other side. It takes her three steps to reach the door, hand gripping the warm metal knob. She takes a deep breath, running her free hand over her dress and hair before she pulls open the door. She sighs loudly in relief when she sees that it’s just the mailman. “I figured you’d want this as soon as possible so I decided to bring it to the door.”
He gives her a small smile and holds out an envelope with the government logo in the corner. She swallows hard, eyes wide as she stares down at the white envelope blankly. She can hear her heart pounding in her ears and it suddenly feels like there’s a huge weight on her chest that makes breathing a little harder than normal. “Mrs. Puckerman,” he says gently as he takes a step toward her, placing his hand on her shoulder. She blinks and looks up at his face, trying with all of her might to stop herself from tearing up. “If I’m the one delivering the letter, it at least means your husband is alive.”
She nods once, swallowing hard before nodding once more. She takes the envelope from his hand, clutching it so tight that she can hear the crinkle of the envelope. “Th-thank you,” she mutters and she nods again as he turns to leave. She closes the door behind him before she walks into the living room, sitting down at the desk where everything is put away neatly except for the newspaper clipping of Finn’s death. As she looks down at the letter, she realizes she’s crumpled half of it into her palm. She lays it down on the old wood and tries to smooth it out before giving up. She runs her index finger under the seam before pulling out the single sheet of paper.
Her eyes scan the words quickly and then a chocked sob escapes her lips. Her boy is coming home. A little broken according to the letter, but at least in one piece.
“Jesus,” she breathes out, her cheeks immediately flooded with tears. She has been waiting anxiously for this day ever since she saw Noah walk away from her at the train station. Noah, the one boy who makes her feel like a wonderful person even though she’s let down every other person in her life, is finally coming home and she’ll be able to touch him, kiss him, speak to him. Their letters between one another have been scarce, something her mother warned her would happen before Noah even left, and even when she did have the time to sit down to write her husband, she found herself too preoccupied with Rachel. Her whole body slumps again, suddenly feeling guilty about her relationship with the brunette.
Her husband is off fighting in a war, has been wounded to the point of discharge, and what has she been doing? Playing house with a woman. She shivers and shakes her head. No. Rachel is more than that to her. She’s not just someone Quinn is passing the time with. Rachel has done everything Noah has done in a slightly different way and Quinn refuses to sell her time with Rachel short even if she should be loyal to her husband.
Suddenly, she feels a hand on her shoulder, causing the blonde to jump slightly. Rachel tries desperately to smile but can’t find it within her to turn the corners of her lips up. Quinn’s eyes widen, honestly surprised that Rachel is back in the house with her. “I love you,” she says immediately. It comes out of her mouth before she can even process it but it’s the truth and she doesn’t think she could have chosen any better words than those.
“Oh Quinn. I really wish you hadn’t said that.” She takes her hand off Quinn’s shoulder and cups her cheek, thumb stroking pale skin softly.
“But I do. I’m sorry about the way I reacted before. I love you Rachel.” She needs to make sure that Rachel knows this, that some cruel circumstances eventually get in their way and Quinn is left with a million things unsaid.
“Please stop.” She pulls away from Quinn, turns to roam around the living room with her hands shoved in her pockets.
Quinn feels the tears well up in her eyes again but nods. Rachel’s just lost the man who has been her saving grace for the past four years. She doesn’t need Quinn acting like a schoolgirl right now. “You’re still working,” she asks, her voice cracking as she tries not to cry.
Rachel nods, one hand absentmindedly going up to touch the bandana that keeps her hair up and away from her face. “After the second day of being in the house with Carol continuously screaming I had to leave. I can’t be in that house anymore… Too many pictures… Too much of him.” She takes a deep breath and Quinn watches as Rachel forces herself to stay composed. “Working forces me to focus on something else.”
“I’m so sorry Rachel… I…” Quinn doesn’t know what to say. What can she say? Nothing will make Rachel feel better… Nothing she can say or do will bring Finn back. Quinn is used to people leaving (she was there when Noah’s dad left and her own family ostracized her) but she’s not used to people dying. As a matter of fact, she’s never even been to a funeral. She is completely useless right now and it makes her heart hurt even more.
“I was going to marry him.” Rachel’s voice cracks and she turns away from Quinn quickly when it does. “I thought about what you said that day when we went to the movies and you were right. I love Finn. It isn’t like the love you feel for Noah and it’s not exactly what I feel for you but I do. I love him.” She takes another deep breath and Quinn can see that when she clutches the mantel, she grips it so tight that her knuckles turn white. “So when he came back, I decided that if he asked, I would have agreed to marry him.”
Quinn’s eyebrows furrow and Rachel clears her throat before turning to face her friend once more. “But-”
“I know. The entire time I’ve known you, I’ve been preaching about independence. But Finn is…” She pauses and takes a deep breath, eyes closing tight as she continues. “Finn was a good man and he takes very good care of me. Being his wife would have been wonderful and it would have done an excellent job of helping me forget about you.”
“What do you mean forget about me,” Quinn asks and she blinks roughly so she doesn’t start crying again.
“I’m not stupid Quinn. I know that when Noah comes back you will be his wife again. And the… friendship we have will no longer be an option.”
“Why not? You can still come over Rachel. You can still go shopping with me and help me with Beth… I don’t want you to leave.” She bites her tongue before she can say ‘I love you’ again.
“Do you really think Noah would approve? I wouldn’t call our friendship normal. I don’t think it could be considered a friendship at all…”
“I don’t want to lose you though… This past week has been unbearable without you Rachel.” She hates how childish she sounds right now. She knows that Rachel’s week must have been ten times worse than her own and Quinn really should be trying to comfort the other girl instead of being selfish. She should be asking how Rachel’s been doing. If she’s been eating and if she’s been getting enough sleep. She should offer to go over to the Hudson house and clean and cook and try to some how calm Carol down.
“I know Quinn. That’s why I wanted you to stop saying that you love me. You’ve just made it ten times harder for me to stay away.” Quinn pushes herself up from her spot on the chair, one hand bracing her lower back as she does so. She waddles over to Rachel who takes a cautious step back. “Finn was someone I could have spent the rest of my life with and he would have made me feel like I was the best thing to ever happen to him. And I know he would have made me feel okay with the fact that I didn’t have you… You have Noah to be that person for you but now I have no one.”
“I’m still here Rachel.”
“But you won’t be for very long. After I found out about Finn, I spent approximately 13 hours crying. Then I decided that crying was going to get me nowhere and so I started thinking. And do you know what I’ve come up with Quinn? Absolutely nothing. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to leave Carol because I know she won’t be able to handle being alone but I can’t be in that house for more than a second without wanting to cry or kick something. I don’t even think I can stay in this city anymore without some sort of ache in my chest. It reminds me too much of Finn and I automatically want to come here and see you.”
“We can still see one another. It would just have to be a little different… I don’t want to not see you. I don’t think I can.”
Rachel sighs and shakes her head. “I’d rather have nothing at all than anything less than what we have now.”
Quinn’s whole body slumps and she opens her mouth to say something but the words never come. She knows Rachel is right. Out of sight, out of mind would probably hurt her heart less than seeing Rachel everyday and not having the closeness they have now. Noah is an extremely jealous man and Quinn knows for a fact that he would not be okay with Rachel always touching her in one form or another. If he were to find out Quinn’s kissed Rachel… She swallows hard. She doesn’t want to think about what Noah would do. “I love you,” she breathes out because she doesn’t think there is anything else she can say.
They both know that this is the beginning of their end.
Rachel smiles for the first time since she came over (it’s actually the first time Rachel’s smiled in a week). “I love you too Quinn. Very, very much so.”
Quinn nods, biting her bottom lip as she bunches the fabric of her dress in her fists. “What do we do now?”
“I’m not really sure.”
Quinn nods and then clears her throat. “You’ll be leaving soon won’t you?” Rachel looks up at Quinn whose eyes are completely glossed over with tears.
“Please don’t cry Quinn.” Rachel takes a step forward, hand reaching to grab the blonde’s hand but this time Quinn retreats from her.
“I’m pregnant and hormonal and you’ve just told me you’re leaving. How do you expect me not to cry?” Rachel smiles, reaching for Quinn again and this time Quinn ends up falling into the brunette’s touch.
“I’m still here now Quinn. We can still have today at the very least.”
“I’m so sorry,” Quinn breathes out. “I’m a blubbering mess. I should be comforting you! Finn died and yet I can’t push my own heartache aside to help you for once.” She feels Rachel’s fingers lace through hers, her other hand coming up to palm Quinn’s neck. “Do you need to cry? Because you can cry too. Oh goodness, I feel like Beth right now.” Rachel laughs lightly and rises on to her tiptoes, quickly placing a soft kiss against Quinn’s lips. Quinn’s eyes widen just before she blinks rapidly, a smile crawling on to her face.
“You’ve helped me a lot more than you think my liebling.” Quinn bites her bottom lip for a moment, blushing because that seems to be her natural reaction when Rachel says things like that to her. “I know you don’t think that you have because I do so many tangible things for you but you have in other ways Quinn. And I’m going to keep that with me forever.”
“I hate this you know. I hate how unfair this entire situation is.”
Rachel nods and plays with a loose strand of hair at the nape of Quinn’s neck. “This was going to be ending soon anyway Quinn. We’ve had an expiration date since I saw you looking at me at the train station.”
“I still don’t like it very much,” Quinn answers with a pout, the hand that’s not grasping tightly on to Rachel’s coming up to play with the extra fabric that bunches at the shorter girl’s hip.
“Beth really did get quite a lot from you didn’t she?” Quinn giggles and grips Rachel’s hip before glancing out the window behind her. It still looks still outside but she feels better about the lifelessness outside now that Rachel’s here with her. Her eyes return to Rachel’s and she smiles before letting out a small yawn. Even though she’s done nothing all day (all week really), she’s cried her fair share of tears and she thinks that she deserves to feel a little drained. “Come on. You should be sitting down. Your back must be killing you.”
“It’s fine Rachel.” The brunette shakes her head and untangles herself from Quinn but keeping their hands linked together. “I’ve done nothing but worry all week.”
Rachel’s eyes widen and she attempts to drop Quinn’s hand but the blonde grips tighter to the tan skin because she’s not sure she can take Rachel being any further away from her. “Have you gotten around to your garden? I wouldn’t fault you if you did, even though you know I don’t think you should, because I wasn’t here.” Rachel starts walking towards the kitchen but Quinn tugs on her hand once they get to the foot of the stairs.
“I’ve had Beth help me a little because I don’t think I could actually get back off the ground if I tried. There are still a lot of veggies out there that we just didn’t get to.”
“Why don’t you go take a nap upstairs? I’ll go work on the garden and you can rest.” Quinn frowns slightly but Rachel squeezes her hand before pushing her towards the stairs. “Go on. I’ll be up when I’m done.”
“Please make sure you get a cup of water. It’s hot out and I don’t want you passing out,” Quinn says as she starts going up the stairs, looking over her shoulder to make sure Rachel nods.
--
It’s even hotter upstairs and Quinn actually huffs and puffs a little bit in order to make it up the stairs. She peeks in on Beth who is sleeping like a rock, the blanket Quinn laid over her bunched up at her feet. She runs her hand through her daughter’s curls softly and the girl shifts in her sleep, thumb finding its way into her mouth. Once she’s satisfied that her daughter is fast asleep and safe, she crosses the hall to her bedroom. She pulls her hair up so that it’s off her neck, wishing that she had opted to pull it up this morning when she got dressed instead of leaving it down. It’s unbearably hot in here, even warmer than Beth’s room, and she realizes just how sweaty the trip up the stairs made her. Her dress sticks to her skin uncomfortably and she grimaces at the feel of damp fabric against her back.
She unbuttons her dress quickly, sighing when a small gust of air hits her bare back as she pulls her arms out of the fabric. She holds on to the edge of the dresser as she steps out of her dress, straightening out as she tosses it in the hamper by her vanity. She walks over to her closet, hands coming to rest on a blue dress that’s sandwiched in between a dress from last summer and one of Rachel’s. Her other hand comes up to finger the yellow fabric of her old summer dress, smiling sadly. It’s a beautiful dress, bright and vibrant with a fitted waist and a hem that falls at her knees. She doubts she’d be able to get the dress over her chest now and she briefly wonders if she’ll be able to fit into it next year. Her body had changed slightly after Beth (her hips widened, breasts stayed a little bigger, waist an inch bigger than before) and the dress was a tight fit then so she doubts it’ll fit after this pregnancy.
She sighs and pulls her clean dress off the hanger, grimacing at the heavy, scratchy feel of the fabric. She slips her arms though the cap sleeves as she looks at Rachel’s dress. It was the one the brunette was wearing the day Quinn kissed her in the dining room. A small smile appears on her face, her fingers leaving the buttons on her dress to run over the floral pattern on Rachel’s dress. Rachel always seems to wear such dark clothes, save for the first time Quinn ever saw her. She’d love to see the girl in a vibrant color, perhaps in a purple or a red, maybe even in the yellow dress that sits next to it. She closes her eyes and lets her mind wander a little bit, imagining Rachel in the kitchen with Beth. Beth’s dressed in the blue dress she adores (most Sundays she’ll refuse to wear any other dress to church) and Rachel’s in Quinn’s yellow dress. They sit on the floor like they do every time Quinn cooks, playing with the assortment of dolls and stuffed animals Beth drops at their feet. Their dresses are fanned out around them, their hair pulled back into curly ponytails, bright sun spilling in through the window and illuminating their laughing faces. She opens her eyes as she exhales.
She desperately wishes she had more time with Rachel. She’s finally realized just how amazing her friendship with the brunette could be, just how much more they could have now that she’s acknowledged her full feelings. She lies down in bed, forgetting completely about buttoning her dress, as she realizes her body aches in every way possible. Her heart beats heavily against her chest, torn between breaking with sadness and swelling with joy.
Her husband, her wonderful Noah, is finally coming home. She hasn’t seen him in almost nine months and she realizes that this time has been the longest she’s ever been apart from him for the past 12 years. They’d gone to school together for years before they got together, weekends the only time they were separated. She rolls on to her side tiredly when she realizes she’d never be able to leave her family. She may not be content with the way her life’s turned out but she doesn’t think she could do anything if she knew Noah was alive and not with her. And now, in a few short weeks, he’ll be home in her arms.
But, in order to get back the one man who has ever truly loved her, she must give up Rachel, the only other person besides Noah who made her feel some sort of worth. Rachel had been a wonderful friend to her since the very first time they met, staying completely non-judgmental about Quinn’s out of order way of doing things and helping Quinn with the parts of everyday life that were slowly consuming her. She understood Quinn and with every touch or look made the blonde feel everything she felt with Noah. It was exciting to feel so wanted by someone again, someone who also reminded her that she was her own person who deserved to be selfish sometimes. Now she has to give Rachel up before she’s even had the chance to really have her and it kills her a little bit inside.
She wipes the light sheen of sweat from her forehead as she rolls on to her other side, eyes closing tiredly as she hears the back door shut downstairs.
--
The moment she steps into the kitchen, she cries. Her smile drops from her face, her shoulders sag, and she lets out a sob before she claps a hand over her mouth. She knows Quinn would be back down here in an instant if she knew she was crying which would probably cause Quinn herself to cry and Rachel doesn’t want or need that. She closes her eyes tightly, pushing the heels of her hands so hard against her eyes that she sees colors on her eyelids before she fills her lungs with air.
Rachel has come to realize that the life she’s been given is extremely unfair. Her family back home was unconventional. The house was always full, always noisy, always smelled like different foods but honestly, up until she was 10, she was never entirely sure who everyone was and why they were there. She always knew who her father was (after all, what kind of girl didn’t know her father?). He was the one she sat next to at the dinner table, the one who would tuck her in at night, the one who would walk her to school in the morning. And then there was Shelby. She supposes Shelby was her mother but she was never very sure. She acted like a mother but the most she ever saw between Shelby and her father was friendship. They would laugh and joke and make sure Rachel was safe and healthy, but they were never romantic. So, for the longest time, Rachel was never sure if Shelby was her mother. Aren’t mothers and fathers supposed to be married? That’s what all her teachers had told her growing up.
But as Rachel grew older, she noticed things. She noticed that her Uncle Leroy wasn’t exactly her uncle. He was much more touchy with her daddy than Shelby was and he sat on the other side of him at dinner. They were the ones who shared a room with one bed and when Rachel was nine, she saw the two kiss as they cooked dinner. One slip in nine years and Rachel really has to congratulate them for being so private when she was such a nosy child. It wasn’t until right before they sent her off that she realized what her father was.
She realized that her father and uncle were obviously in love after she had seen them in the kitchen and that made them homosexuals. She wrinkles her nose when she thinks the word. It sounds disgustingly clinical and made it sound like they were perhaps doing something wrong. And, as it turns out, Germany did think they were doing something wrong.
She may have had an unconventional family but they loved her and they all loved each other, though in different ways, but that unconventionality put an expiration date on her family. Not only was most of her family Jewish (the only people who weren’t were her Uncle Leroy and her Aunt Barbra), but her daddy and Uncle Leroy were homosexuals which meant that if any Nazi found out…
Rachel squeezes her eyes shut again because she doesn’t want to invite any of the images of her father and uncle in a camp and at the hands of a Nazi into her head. She swallows hard and walks over to the sink, taking a cup from on the counter and filling it with water. The point is, her family is suffering. And if they’re not suffering then they’re dead. It’s as simple as that and Rachel thinks it’s idiotic that she has to accept that much. She remembers sitting in the living room in front of the large bay window and listening silently as they discussed what they should do and who they should send to America. Shelby sat next to her on the floor, hand holding tightly on to hers as she stared at Grandpa. He was too old and so sending him to America would have been stupid.
“This is my home. They can’t scare me out of my country. And what kind of life could I build as an old man in a new country anyways?” he had said hoarsely in German (Yiddish was forbidden in her house at that point just to make them a little safer) and everyone around seemed to nod (she can only think of how quickly her Grandpa must have died being in one of those camps). Uncle Leroy wouldn’t leave without her daddy and vice versa. Shelby looked at her sadly before saying that she wouldn’t leave without Hiram because they decided during their childhood that it would be them until the very end and she wouldn’t leave him now.
She remembers that they could only afford to send two. And because so many wouldn’t leave without someone else, it was decided that Aunt Barbra would accompany her to America. She feels guilty now that one of those tickets was always hers, that there was never a question of if she would go but with whom. They sent them with as much as they could carry without looking suspicious and they got out of Germany quietly. But there was some sort of hang up in France and everything happened so fast that Rachel’s still not very sure what happened. All she can remember is her aunt shoving her bag into her hands and telling her to run to the ship as fast as she could. They weren’t very far from the dock and she doesn’t understand why they couldn’t still go together but her aunt had looked more worried than Rachel had ever seen so she did as she was told.
It’s not fair that she was sent to America. She thinks that most of her family should have gone before her. After all, she was just a girl and if she was going to be put into one of those camps and possibly die, at least she was just a child. Her life had no meaning yet and if that meant someone who already had so much in the world got to live then she thinks she would have been okay with dying. She would have probably been terrified and in pain but in the larger scheme of things, she thinks she would have been okay with dying. It’s not fair that she got to live and her family didn’t.
But they sent her because they loved her which meant that Rachel swore she would live a life that they’d be proud of. She was brought into a wonderfully amazing family. They were a little broken but they had enough room in their home and hearts to let her in. Carol Hudson became the mother she never really had and did her best to make Rachel feel like she was living in a house full of people. And Finn became the friend she never had. Back home she was always thought of as weird and since her family wasn’t like the other families, she was often cast aside in school. She was bright and book smart but socially Rachel was never really sure what to do. It didn’t matter when Rachel came from a house full of people who loved her but when she was suddenly in a new, foreign country, it made her feel more alone than she could have thought. But Finn introduced her to people, took her out, and brought her out of her shell that she’d slipped into during her first year in America.
Now Finn is dead and Carol is hurting because she’s lost the two men in her life and Rachel is once again reminded of how unfair life is.
And she’s about to lose the only good thing left in her life.
Despite Quinn’s declarations of love (which made Rachel feel so unbelievably warm inside when she’d felt so cold all week), Quinn is decidedly very conscious of what she does. She doesn’t like doing things that will upset her family or her husband. She worships God every Sunday and Rachel’s not sure she’s ever seen Quinn not pray before a meal. Rachel knows that being gay is not something the Lord allows, no matter which God is being prayed to. It is true that most of Quinn’s religious beliefs seem to stem from her parents and, though Rachel knows Quinn wishes to be nothing like them, it is still something Quinn holds in high regard. And she loves Noah with all of her heart and hurting him is not something she would try to do. Rachel’s honestly surprised Quinn told her she loved her but she also knows that that’s the most she’ll ever get. Quinn would never leave Noah and even if she were to, Rachel’s not looking to be persecuted like her father, which may sound selfish, but it’s the truth. Being gay in America isn’t any less scary than it was in Germany and she doesn’t want Quinn or herself to go through anything similar to what she saw back home. Besides, Rachel has loved a man. If she loved one before, well, she’ll just have to make herself love another one in the future.
It’s not fair that she has to do without Quinn and it’s not fair that she’ll end up settling for some man that will come along. Rachel is incredibly tired of how unfair everything is but she’s alive and she may as well make use of that.
And if she’s found the strength to come say goodbye to the blonde then she’s going to make use of it.
Rachel rolls her shoulders back and wipes the tears from her face. She grabs the basket Quinn uses to gather the produce from next to the back door and walks into the blazing heat.
--
Before Quinn really registers it, she’s fallen asleep. She only knows this because she can hear someone in her room trying to be quiet but failing. She opens one eye slowly, looking towards the hardwood floors, suspecting Beth has once again woken up from her nap and snuck in the room to play with the few things Quinn keeps under the bed. She doesn’t see the blonde head of her daughter and instead finds jumpsuit covered legs. She blinks and then opens both eyes, yawning as she pushes herself up into a sitting position. “Did I wake you,” Rachel asks from her spot in front of Quinn’s closet, the dress that the blonde had touched earlier in her hands.
Quinn shakes her head even though Rachel had woke her up because if this is one of the last days she gets to spend with Rachel then she doesn’t want to spend it sleeping. She notices that Rachel’s opened the windows in the room, trying to make it a little less hot but it doesn’t do very much because there is absolutely no breeze outside. The brunette tosses her dress over Quinn’s vanity chair and she watches silently as Rachel unbuttons her jumpsuit. Rachel’s changed in front of her before and the brunette has seen her naked so it really shouldn’t be a big deal anymore. Still Quinn feels a pull in her heart telling her that she shouldn’t be looking at Rachel that way and a burning low in her belly wishing Rachel would undress faster. Rachel pulls her arms out of the sleeves, letting the fabric gather on top of her hips as she fans her face and breathes out heavily. “It’s almost cooler outside,” she says, laughing lightly as she turns to give Quinn a small smile.
Quinn notices that Rachel’s eyes are red rimmed and Rachel must notice too because she quickly ducks her head, murmuring “I’m fine Quinn. It’s okay.”
She nods though she knows it’s not okay and she isn’t fine (after all, Quinn knows just how important happy appearances are) and instead looks at Rachel as she unzips the rest of her jumpsuit. “You’re so beautiful,” she sighs as she blinks tiredly, smiling widely when she sees a blush on Rachel’s cheeks.
She finishes stepping out of her jumpsuit, leaving it in a pile on the floor at her feet. “You know,” she starts, ignoring comment with a tiny smile, “you’re usually very polite when I change. And I think that I’m quite courteous whenever I help you in the bath.”
“Do you want me to look away,” Quinn asks, playfully bringing a hand up to cover her eyes. “I figure I should make use of today and enjoy the sight of you undressing since our time is limited, but if it makes you uncomfortable…” Quinn parts her index and middle fingers, a wide grin forming under her hand when she sees Rachel’s face right in front of her.
“I’m not sure I’ve ever met this confident Quinn before,” she comments, bringing the blonde’s hand away from her face. “Not that I don’t enjoy it or that you were any less amazing before.” Their fingers lace together flawlessly and Quinn hums in contentment, her eyes closing sleepily.
“I wouldn’t call it confidence. I’ve just always been honest in the bedroom.” She’ not sure if she should bring up Noah. Rachel has never had a problem with her husband before but now that Finn is dead and their time together is even shorter than before…
“Finn was never like that. Actually, Finn couldn’t even watch me undress without flushing all over, closing his eyes, and mumbling under his breath.” Rachel’s smile is a little sad now and Quinn squeezes her hand as she opens her eyes.
“Noah has never been like that. He’s always been very… forward as it pertains to sex and I suppose that trickled down into me. He’s always encouraged me to tell him what I like and what I don’t, and I quite like watching you undress because I think you are the most gorgeous woman I’ve ever met.”
Rachel blushes again, shaking her head lightly. “I highly doubt that Quinn.”
“Then maybe you’re not as smart as I once thought you were,” she says softly, dropping Rachel’s hand as she pushes herself up so that she can sit with her back against the headboard. “You are beautiful Rachel.”
“I wouldn’t say I’m the most gorgeous though.” Rachel sits down on the edge of the bed, putting her dress down on her lap as she does so.
“To me, you are.” Rachel locks eyes with Quinn who gives her a bright smile, blonde hair falling in a messy halo around her face. “Which is why I’m happy that you have yet to put your dress on.” Rachel rolls her eyes, smiling widely despite herself.
“I never thought I’d hear such words come out of your mouth. Even if we are in your bedroom,” she says, nudging her body into Quinn’s side.
“Could you imagine if my mother heard me now?” Rachel giggles at the thought of Judy Fabray’s face. Not only would be horrified by the actual words Quinn’s been saying but she’d probably be appalled at the fact that Rachel is on the receiving end. “It took me a lot of time to become comfortable saying things like that to Noah because my mother taught me that saying things like that were horribly unladylike. I used to blush even worse than you did when Noah would get me to whisper things like that and they’re not even that horrible. After all, why not tell the person you love the things you love about them in such an intimate way?”
Rachel brings her hand up to Quinn’s stomach, clean fingers touching the exposed slit of skin softly. “What do you love about Noah?”
Quinn tilts her head to the side, eyes focused on Rachel’s fingers doing dances on her skin. “I love that Noah showed me that there’s more to life than what my parents expected of me. I love that he played with Beth everyday before he left. I love that he doesn’t get out of bed in the morning without kissing my shoulder. I love that he always ‘accidentally’ walked into the bathroom when I was getting out of the tub. I love the way his muscles flex when we make love. I love that he doesn’t think I look disgusting when I’m pregnant. I love the face he makes when he’s about to release. I love his smile, the slope of his nose, and the way his left eyebrow wrinkles when he laughs.”
Rachel’s fingers push back Quinn’s dress a little, revealing a small stretch mark that she runs the pad of her finger over. “You’re a beautiful pregnant woman. Not that I’ve seen any naked pregnant women before, but you’re something to behold.”
“My stomach is disgusting and my breasts balloon up so much that I look un-proportionate.” Rachel opens her mouth to protest but Quinn shakes her head. “What do you love about Finn?”
She stares at Quinn’s stomach, tracing each and every stretch mark she sees as she thinks the question over. “I love his smile. It was big and kind of goofy looking most of the time but when he needed it to, he could look very charming with it. I love how at first he’d shyly reach for my hand but then hold on to it tightly until we had to let go. I love how much he wanted to take care of Carol and make her proud. I love how hard he’d try to learn German and Yiddish for me. I love how carefully he’d undress me whenever we were intimate. I love how big his hands were, strong but gentle. And how he made sure he touched every inch of my body with them the night before he left.” Rachel glances up at Quinn’s face only to find the blonde staring back at her intently. She clears her throat and lays her hand flat on Quinn’s round stomach. “What is it that you love about me?”
“I love how wonderfully honest you are with me because, in return, I feel like I can completely honest with you. I love how strong you are. You came to a new country on your own and have absolutely flourished here. Though sometimes I think you deserve to break down and when you do, I wish you’d let someone be there for you instead of crying in the backyard.” Quinn gives her a pointed look only to have Rachel shake her head with a small, almost guilty smile. “I love how selfless and selfish you are at the same time. I love how well you get along with my daughter. I love how well you take care of me even though you have absolutely no obligation to. I love when you sing. I love that you care so much about Carol. I love the way you your nose scrunches up when you laugh really hard at something. I love how you look flawless all the time even though I’ve never seen any make up on you. And I love how soft your lips feel against mine.”
Rachel’s hand glides down the curve of Quinn’s rounding stomach, stopping once she hit’s the elastic of her underwear. She notices how the blonde’s breath catches in her throat and she meets Quinn’s eyes briefly when she notices the blonde’s hips shifting up into her hand. “What do you love about me,” Quinn asks, voice less confidant than it was before but eyes still strong and locked on Rachel’s face.
“Absolutely everything,” she answers as her pinky nudges the waistband of Quinn’s underwear. “As verbose as I am, I don’t think I could ever fully and accurately describe everything I love about you. You’re simply beyond everything I could imagine. You’re more than gorgeous, more than intelligent. You’re the best cook I’ve ever encountered and that covers two different countries. You’re an amazing mother though I know you don’t agree…” Rachel pauses and takes a deep breath, the hand that lies in her lap suddenly clutching on to her dress tightly. “For whatever reason, you make me feel more at home than I have since I left Germany.”
Quinn smiles softly, hand coming up to palm Rachel’s cheek. “I think I just realized how much I’m going to miss you and it’s so much more than I originally thought,” she says quietly before moving her hand to cover Rachel’s, nudging it lower.
Rachel’s hand doesn’t budge but still stays pressed against her skin as she shakes her head. “We can’t come back from this Quinn. Everything before this could be disguised as a very strong form of friendship but this? This is cheating… I know we won’t be around each other for much longer but this breaks a vow.”
“I don’t care,” Quinn replies instantly, shocking herself when she realizes that she is being 100% honest. She loves Noah, she really does, but at this very moment she can’t imagine not going through with this.
Quinn recalls her mother once telling a friend that all wives have a secret that their husbands will never find out about and if this is Quinn’s then so be it.
“I love you and I want you.” That’s all it takes for Rachel to grip the fabric of Quinn’s underwear and pull them down her legs. The blonde kicks them off when they reach her ankles and Rachel stands up, her dress falling to the hard wood floors as she climbs in between Quinn’s legs. Her hands run up pale skin, fingers tracing imaginary patterns as they move upwards. Quinn’s hips shift slightly, inching them closer to Rachel as her legs widen gradually. She wishes she could see what’s about to happen but her stomach hides everything above her knees when she’s lying almost entirely flat on her back. She watches as Rachel’s hands disappear before glancing up at her face when she feels light touches reach her thighs. Rachel bites her bottom lip nervously as her fingers dip to the insides of Quinn’s things.
“I’ve never done this before,” she murmurs. She glances up at Quinn and blushes slightly. She’s never been shy about her body or about sex, but this is the first time she’s been the more outwardly dominant one and the first time she’s done anything like this where she can actually see what’s happening. “Well, I’ve never done anything like this to someone other than myself.” She runs her index finger along the line where hip meets thigh, smiling when Quinn’s breath hitches in her throat.
“I’ve never done that… It’s a sin,” she breathes out and Rachel chuckles as her finger finally comes into contact with coarse blonde curls.
“Well then I’m honored you’ve decided to embark on this sin with me,” Rachel replies with a small laugh, pushing Quinn’s left leg out wider as her fingers trail the length of her slit. Quinn’s hips buck slightly at the contact and the hand that laid on her thigh moves up to grip Quinn’s hip, thumb rubbing soft circles into her skin as her now wet fingers move up to Quinn’s clit. It’s weird doing this from this angle but when Quinn releases a soft oh when Rachel presses against her small bud and rubs a tight circle against it. She lets her hand trail back down, taking her eyes off her hand to watch Quinn’s face as she slowly dips finger inside the blonde.
Her eyes are screwed shut and her lips are parted as she lets out something between a moan and a whimper. Her blonde hair has already begun to stick to her forehead (something Rachel attributes to the heat in their small Ohio town rather than her own slow, torturous work on Quinn) and then suddenly Quinn’s eyes peek open, hazel eyes locking with her own as she chokes out, “More.” Rachel nods slightly, leaning down to leave a kiss on the exposed, rounded skin in front of her as she slips another finger inside Quinn, this time picking up her pace with each stroke. She perches her chin on Quinn’s stomach, smiling when she feels Quinn’s hips meet her every single thrust before her eyes focus on the blonde’s hand coming up to cup her chest. She watches Quinn’s fingers hesitantly run her finger over her nipple before bringing it between two of her fingers and twisting lightly. Rachel bites her lip at the site, her hand slowing as she stares at Quinn tending to her chest. Quinn groans, half in pleasure and half in frustration, tilting the head to her side with a raised brow. “As much as I appreciate you being captivated by me,” she says, breathing labored and shallow, “I would very much like you to continue what you were doing before.”
Rachel laughs just before pressing her lips just under Quinn’s belly button. “Of course liebling,” she answers into the soft skin against her mouth, her hand immediately moving inside the blonde again. This time she doesn’t ease into it, instead matches the pace she left off with and moves her thumb so that she can continuously rub Quinn’s clit.
Quinn can’t believe this. She’s finally here, with Rachel. Rachel, the girl who saved her from an old woman trying to steal from her. Rachel, the girl who can get her daughter to stop throwing fits with ease. Rachel, the girl who tells her to sit down and rest when she needs it. Rachel, the girl who forced her to remember who she was. Rachel, this beautiful, gorgeously smart woman who fell into Quinn’s life by absolute chance. And Quinn thinks she can actually feel her heart swelling beneath her chest she’s so happy that Rachel is here with her, in this moment, touching her like she is and making her feel like this is a moment of absolute perfection. It’s funny, she thinks, that two damaged people in such a broken world can feel like everything is completely okay.
She desperately grabs for the hand that rests on her hip, lacing her fingers with Rachel’s and tugging the brunette upwards. She wants more, needs more, and Rachel straddles the leg she abandoned in order to get closer. Her stomach gets in the way slightly, Rachel having to slither around it in order to reach Quinn’s face comfortably. She feels Rachel’s lips press against hers just as she feels fingers curl inside of her and Quinn gasps into Rachel’s mouth at the feeling. Quinn’s fingers tangle in chocolate hair, running her tongue along Rachel’s bottom lip before nipping at it lightly as she feels everything start pooling in her belly. Rachel pulls back, resting her forehead against Quinn’s as she watches the blonde’s scrunched up face. Quinn’s lips are parted, letting out a series of tiny little moans before Rachel presses a little harder against her clit and then suddenly Quinn moans loudly, causing the brunette to smile widely. “Let go geliebte,” she whispers and Quinn’s toes curl, gasping as her body goes rigid before she exhales, body melting into the sheets as she cums.
She pants heavily as Rachel peppers her face with feather light kisses. “Oh goodness,” she breathes out and Rachel laughs, really laughs, before kissing her once more before sitting up, resting on Quinn’s leg. She finds Rachel’s hand again and squeezes it before trailing up her arm, toying with the thing strap of Rachel’s bra. The young German woman smiles deviously while simultaneously blushing, something Quinn wasn’t sure was possible but finds adorable anyway. She slips a red fingernail beneath the white strap, causing it to fall off Rachel’s tan shoulder and the cup sags, revealing more skin on her chest. Quinn bites her lip as she drags her nail to the drooping fabric, pushing it down and running her nails over Rachel’s hard nipple. She arches into Quinn’s touch, body moving against her pale thigh and Rachel shivers at the sensation it causes between her legs. It doesn’t go unnoticed by the blonde beneath her and Quinn pushes her leg up at the same time she runs her thumb over the stiff peek on Rachel’s breast, smiling when the other girl moans.
Quinn moves her other hand to Rachel’s hip, pushing the other woman down firmly and urging her to slide forward faster. Rachel lets her head fall back as her hips move at Quinn’s direction, tongue darting out to wet her swollen lips as she focuses on the feel of the fabric against her slick skin as she thrusts forward on Quinn’s thigh. She whimpers, eyebrows scrunching together as Quinn moves Rachel’s hips faster against her, nails digging into caramel skin. Her whole body feels like it’s on fire and she can feel sweat forming on every inch of her skin.
It’s weird but empowering to know that she’s the reason Rachel is feeling like this. The reason she’s making all these wonderful sounds that Quinn has never heard another woman make before, let alone be the one to evoke them. Her nails drag up and down Rachel’s bent leg as the brunette starts panting, hand going up to push the hair that’s escaped her bandana back. Quinn can feel the wet spot on her thigh growing and she massages Rachel’s breast briefly before tweaking her nipple roughly, causing Rachel’s legs to tighten around her legs as she slumps forward, her arms catching herself before she falls on to Quinn’s belly. She shudders and her breathing stops for a moment before she takes in a deep breath, rolling her shoulders back as her hips stop moving against Quinn.
Quinn’s hands grasp Rachel’s arms, steadying her as much as she can before cupping Rachel’s warm cheeks. “Okay?” she asks and Rachel exhales through her nose before nodding as she rolls off of Quinn and lays down next to her.
Rachel pushes her now sticky briefs down, kicking them off the bed before grabbing one of Quinn’s crocheted blankets from the top of the trunk at the end of the bed. She tosses it over the two of them, covering them from the hips down before finding Quinn’s hand and lacing their fingers. “Noah’s coming home isn’t he?” They both turn to look at each other and Rachel somehow manages to smile when the corners of Quinn’s lip downturn. “It’s okay Quinn.”
“I miss him so much but I know that once he comes back that means I’ll start missing you,” she whispers and Rachel nods, reaching across herself to smooth Quinn’s hair back. “I love you.”
“I love you too.” Quinn scoots closer to the girl, rolling her eyes when the open dress she’s still wearing gets tangled and tightens uncomfortably around her shoulders. She drops a kiss down on to Rachel’s shoulder before placing her head there, rounded stomach pressing now pressing into Rachel’s side. “When does he come home?”
Quinn wraps an arm across Rachel’s waist and sighs. “Two weeks.”
Rachel can feel Quinn’s eyelashes moving with each blink against her skin, closing her own eyes when she feels Quinn do the same. “I think I should stay away after this then.” Quinn raises her head, probably looking at her in protest but she keeps her eyes closed and shakes her head. “You need time to get used to not having me around.”
“I suppose I could protest but what good would that do? You’re almost as stubborn as I am and I can’t force you to come see me,” Quinn replies, dropping a few kisses along Rachel’s collarbone before putting her head back down, breathing in deep. She wants to commit Rachel’s smell to memory before she has to erase it from the house. “Will you stay for dinner?”
“Of course.” She feels Quinn’s eyes close again and Rachel brings her hand to Quinn’s hair, running her fingers through golden strands.