Wonderwall [8/10]
Title: Wonderwall [8/10]
Author: only_because3 or jeytonbrucasnaley
Pairing: Quinn/Puck/Rachel
Word Count: 8162
Rating: T
Summary: “Just because I got out of this rinky dink town doesn’t mean my dreams magically came true.”
Author's Note: I AM SO FUCKING SORRY! It has legit almost been an entire year since I updated. Life and other fics got in the way. And I'll admit, I lost a lot of inspiration for Puck during season two because him and Quinn not interacting was a bitch. BUT, now that they're actually conversing on the show again, my inspiration is back. I had a lot of this already written and just didn't know what it needed/how to finish it up but lucky for you, it's Allie's birthday today and that really got my ass into gear on posting this chapter. Once again, I am so sorry this has taken so long to update and I hope those of you who have been waiting for this chapter enjoy! Oh! And thanks to Az for reading this over for me.
--
“Rachel?” Her eyes flutter open, the curtains parted enough to let light dance into the room. She groans slightly, pulling her blanket tighter around her and pushing herself further into Noah’s body.
“Rachel.”
Her eyes open again, focusing on the body in front of her. She’s awake as soon as she realizes she’s looking at her father’s face. “Get dressed and meet me in the kitchen. Now.” She nods slowly and once she hears her door shut, she creeps into the bathroom to throw up.
--
John Berry sits at the head of the table, half a bagel and a cup of coffee in front of him. His hands are folded in his lap and he’s staring straight ahead, not acknowledging his daughter until she sits at the other end of the glass table.
“So Quinn had to leave work early today,” he says evenly, taking a sip of his black coffee.
Rachel stares at the untouched bagel.
“Do you know why she had to leave early?” She shakes her head. “She had to pick Caroline up from school because Noah has the flu.” Rachel drops her gaze to her hands. “So would you mind explaining to me what he’s doing in your bed at this very moment?”
She stays silent, squeezing her hands into fists, knuckles turning white and nails creating crescents in the palm of her hand.
“Are you going to answer me Rachel?”
“No,” she whispers, gaze remaining steadfast on her lap.
He sighs heavily, fingers rubbing his brow tiredly. “I defended the both of you to your dad. You’re a good girl and he’s a good boy. And I told your dad that people make mistakes. That what you two did, are doing, doesn't change the fact that we love you. But it’s going too far now, Rachel. Whatever it is you’re doing is starting to directly affect his family. Before, at the very least, he still kept up his responsibilities to Quinn and Caroline. But now he’s pretending to be sick so Quinn has to take off work while you fuck him?”
“You don’t know the whole story Dad,” she tries quietly, and even though she’s not looking at him, she knows he’s crossing his arms over his chest, eyes narrowing.
“Do you care to explain it then? Is there some grand piece of information that your father and I are missing? And please, spare me the humor. I don’t want to hear you say you love him.”
“It’s complicated,” she mutters.
“And I’m giving you a chance to explain yourself.”
“You wouldn’t understand, Dad. Please just leave it alone.”
“I like to think that your dad and I are very understanding people. Try me,” he responds and the only thing she can think to do is get up.
She slowly pushes back her chair and stands up, tucking her hair behind her ears.
“Rachel?”
She slowly turns to look at him, eyes closed for a moment before looking at her father for the first time since she came downstairs. “I know you don’t want to hear what I have to say and half of what I can say I don’t think you’ll understand at all. It’s not something simple. So unless you want to berate me some more, I think we’re done.”
“Rachel,” he tries, voice still hard but she shakes her head and walks away.
--
Part of her feels like curling back up on the bed with Noah and falling back asleep but she doesn’t think her mind (or her stomach for that matter) will allow that to happen. She sneaks her hand under the fabric of her sweater to rub her tummy, even though she has been trying to avoid touching because she doesn’t want to get attached. There’s nothing visible yet but she knows there’s something under there and it kind of wigs her out.
She walks over to the window and sits down on the bench in front of it, pulling back the curtain just enough so she can see outside without waking the boy in her bed. There’s a thin layer of snow outside and the sun is hidden behind a sea of dark gray clouds. She has half a mind to glare at it because weather like this always puts her in a bad mood but she has been feeling this way for a while now anyway. The weather just so happens to be matching now and she sighs tiredly as she relaxes into her spot.
Her dad was so upset and, frankly, it kind of kills her that she can’t tell her dad what’s really going on between her, Noah and Quinn. She knows that she already let them down by moving back here. She didn’t finish school, she couldn’t support herself, and it’s because of her parents that she has a roof over her head and a job now. She’s still a pretty good kid though, nothing to be ashamed of (she’s free of a drug habit and she hasn’t experienced a day where she seems like someone out of an SVU episode), and she’s incredibly thankful that her dads do care enough to let her come back. But from what they know of the situation, she looks like a horrible person, nothing at all like the girl they raised (even if their girl was known for stealing boys in high school). They raised a good girl and even though they’d never say it to her face, they probably think she’s a whore. She’s a home wrecker who they tolerate because she’s their daughter. In actuality, they’d sooner support Quinn wholeheartedly in this situation.
She releases another sigh, running a hand through her knotted hair. She is a home wrecker. Maybe not how her fathers think she is, but this pregnancy has strained Quinn and Noah’s relationship and therefore created an unstable environment for Caroline. Rachel knows that before she came back into their lives, they didn’t have a great relationship (hell, they didn’t have a good relationship). It was forged out of convenience more than actual feelings but Rachel doesn’t doubt that if their situation had been better, Noah would still be with Quinn. All the fucked up things Rachel knows from the last five years were done because the young couple cared about each other. She knows there were fights, some of which neither of them will tell her about (they just look at one another before distracting her in some way), and a bunch of other shitty things but they still went through them together. They both had plenty of chances to leave. Neither of them had to come back to that little hole in the wall they call home, but they did, and that’s how Rachel knew they loved each other. And then she came along and, while she really believes they were happy for the short time they were together, she has created such a divide between the two that for the first time since Caroline was born, Noah didn’t go home.
She can only imagine how Quinn’s feeling right now. Rachel was used to being alone. She didn’t like it, in fact she hated being by herself, but she had dealt with it for years. She didn’t have very many friends growing up and she spent her years in New York alone. Loneliness is like an old friend for her. Quinn hasn’t been alone or without Noah in five years.
She knew this pregnancy was going to ruin everything and it’s actually making her feel worse than expected. Not only is her body feeling horrible because of it but it’s affecting everyone in her life. She’s letting down people who care about her and for what? Before this happened, she hadn’t really thought of kids. She liked them enough and Caroline is an absolute sweetheart but they were never really in her plans. When she left Lima, she left to go be on stage and her acting career had no room for babies. Having any of her own kids was never something she thought about. And when she thinks about how happy they’d all been before this, she really just wants that back. She doesn’t want Quinn to be upset with them, she doesn’t want Caroline to be without her father, and she doesn’t want her fathers to be even more disappointed in her.
She doesn’t have to have this baby. She’s still young and there will be plenty of time in the future if she really wanted them. Besides, for now, being Aunt Rachel to Caroline is enough for her. She should’ve just gotten rid of it the day after she took the test. It would’ve saved them from all this mess. She just got too caught up in the idea at first. Quinn was right. None of them were in a stable place right now. Rachel is still completely reliant on her parents at 21 and getting an abortion makes the most sense.
It’ll probably hurt Noah but he’ll realize that this is what’s best. Maybe, when they’re all in a better place, they can talk about kids. But for now, things are much better off without another child added to the situation.
She starts rubbing her stomach again when she feels it starting to churn once more, leaning her head against the cold glass. The sun’s starting to peek out from behind the clouds again just as she notices Mrs. Brooks jogging down the sidewalk. She and her husband moved into the house on the corner Rachel’s senior year. She doesn’t know them very well and as far as Rachel knows, her fathers aren’t very close to the family. But they do go to all the neighborhood functions and seem like a really nice couple. One thing that Rachel does know is that the couple wanted kids but, for whatever reason, it wasn’t happening. She can actually remember her daddy telling her about when Mrs. Brooks announced she was pregnant with the little boy she’s pushing in the stroller now. Her fathers had been beyond happy for them, even if they weren’t close. She finds herself smiling a little bit, her grin widening when she notices that Mrs. Brooks appears to be pregnant again. The older woman looks so happy and content with her life that Rachel wishes she had that feeling.
She has felt like a complete mess since she came back. She had had her head in the clouds when she left for New York. She was just a girl from Ohio and her voice had been polished by vocal coaches who had no known clients under their belts. Broadway shouldn’t have felt so in reach.
That isn’t to say she hasn’t had wonderful moments while she’s been here. The moments she has shared with the Fabray-Puckerman family have been her highlights. They completely charmed her without even trying and they both still had so much faith in her even though she had come home empty handed. She loves them but she knows they’re even more fucked up than she is. While she’s wallowing in her own little puddle of depression, they have far bigger things to worry about, like bills, their child, and figuring out where the two of them stand now that Rachel has made them realize that they’re together. And now Rachel’s left trying to figure out how she fits in their lives while trying to reclaim the independence she had when she was drowning in New York.
So having - wanting - this baby is stupid. Babies don’t fix things and she won’t feel content or put back together if she had one. If anything, this’ll just make her feel even more lost. And she’s selfish. Rachel knows she is. She doesn’t think she can give up what little she does have to take care of a child.
But damn it if she isn’t thinking about what it’d be like to have a baby with Quinn and Noah.
She watches as Mrs. Brooks stops short in front of her house, her smiling face replaced by a worried frown. Rachel watches curiously as Mrs. Brooks crouches down in front of the stroller, trying to calm down the bundled up toddler. He doesn’t keep crying for very long. All it takes is a kiss on the forehead and Mrs. Brooks tucking his blanket tighter around him for the tears to stop. It seems like all he needed was to see his mom. It amazes her just how much a child can so purely want another person.
“Must be nice,” she whispers out loud. Her smile shrinks and even though everything is telling her to stop thinking it, she can’t. Rachel has felt loved before but she’s never really felt needed. And as much as she hates to say it, her mommy issues are reappearing and making what should be a logical decision difficult. She should feel no connection to this baby. Her own mother didn’t give two shits about her so why is she allowing herself to indulge what a future would be like with a child who needs her?
She sighs, pulling the sleeves of her sweater over her hands as she hears Noah waking up.
--
Rachel Berry has always thrown herself into everything. Into singing, into dancing, into school, into life. And by throwing herself into things, she’s come to realize that she loves a lot. She loves to sing and dance, she loves her life. And in her life, she’s loved a lot of people. She’s thrown herself into Finn and Jesse, obsessed over Shelby, and has been forever dutiful to her fathers. All of this is proof that Rachel Barbra Berry has a lot of love in her (and yeah, maybe a lot of obsession too).
But now that she’s sitting alone in the dump of a truck stop that Quinn used to work in, she wonders if she loves too much. Because she loves Noah, she loves Quinn, she loves Caroline, and she loves her baby and nothing is turning out right. Quinn is mad (though she seems more sad than anything now) and Rachel wants so desperately to make it right but if she does that, then she hurts everyone else.
She looks down at the crap placed in front of her (she ordered biscuits and gravy again) before glancing up at the new waitress. She’s a heavyset red head with pit stains on her robin’s egg blue uniform. She’s nowhere near as pretty as Quinn is and she’s definitely a lot older (40 something if Rachel had to guess). This waitress doesn’t smile but Rachel can’t really blame her, Quinn only smiled when it guaranteed a tip and tips only seemed to come through when the customer was fat and missing a few teeth. She watches as the redhead moves around the diner, the disgusting truckers not paying as much attention to her as they did Quinn.
“What’re you doing here?” She turns and finds Noah slumping down in the seat beside her. It’s early so he really shouldn’t be here, he should be sleeping since he barely got off work an hour ago. She opens her mouth to tell him to go home but he shakes his head. “I’m fine, Rach. Another hour awake isn’t going to kill me.” She smiles softly and pulls her messy brown hair into a sloppy bun on top of her head before nudging the cup of coffee she impetuously ordered towards him.
“I miss our girls,” she says sadly, moving the slop on her plate around before dropping her fork, the silver clanging on the dirty white plate.
“I saw them yesterday.” She looks as his jaw locks and hands relax. “Tried to pick Caroline up but Quinn wouldn’t let me.” She leans over and rests her head on his shoulder.
“She needs her… If you’re not there and Caroline’s gone, who else does she have?” He grunts and she clutches his arm, nails softly pricking his skin.
“She’s supposed to have you isn’t she?”
“She doesn’t want me.”
“Yes she does… She just doesn’t want…” He trails off, can’t find it within himself to bring up the baby out loud, not after Mr. Berry talked to him yesterday morning.
“Why are you here,” she asks after a breath of silence, eyes trailing the redhead who drops a plate right before the bin behind the counter.
“I asked you first.” She cranes her neck to look up at him and brings a hand up to run along his jaw, his stubble comforting and harsh under her palm. He kisses her forehead and she lets out a breath before she sits back up.
“I don’t know,” she answers honestly, shrugging a little. “I don’t really know what I’m doing at all anymore.” She pulls her plate back towards her, cutting in to her biscuit and taking a small bite. She’s hoping this will actually stay down but she knows how unlikely that is. “I’m sorry I ruined things.”
“It’s not your fault,” he says gruffly as he runs a hand over his chin. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I wish you’d fucking see that.”
There’s an angry pleading in his eyes and she lets out a breath when she grabs his hand, holding it tightly between her own. “I know baby,” she replies, kissing his knuckles before he continues. “No one’s to blame but I really don’t have any problem taking it… I just don’t want anyone to be angry with each other.” It’s a lie at best. He may have been the one to come inside her but she let him fuck her without a condom and she knows there have been days where she’s taken her pill a few hours later than she should have. She takes full responsibility for messing things up but if saying it’s not calms him down a little bit, then she’ll lie to him all day. “I want us to all be happy but I know that’s not going to happen.”
“You still need our baby?”
“I do… I’m just not sure who I need more. You and Quinn or the baby.” She knows she can’t have all three and she keeps trying to convince herself that she doesn’t need this baby. Being around Noah isn’t helping her with that but she’s not sure she can handle being away from him if she’s just going to have to stay away from Quinn too. She can’t go from having so much to having nothing at all. “Do you honestly think it’ll be okay?”
He drinks half of her coffee and runs the back of his hand over his mouth before he shrugs. “I don’t think it can get any worse,” he admits and she nods even though she’s not sure what to make of that.
“What if she doesn’t come around?”
“You know she’s a stubborn bitch, Rachel. She’s too pessimistic for her own good. Did you know she almost didn’t take the job because she was worried the offer wasn’t legit or that your dad would fire her and we’d be fucked?” He finishes the rest of the cup she ordered, waving down Quinn’s replacement for a refill.
“But what if she doesn’t come around, Noah?”
“She will.” She tries not to notice the crack in his voice.
--
She eases herself on to her bed, cradling her stomach when she lays on her side. If Quinn were talking to her, she’d ask if her morning sickness was this bad with Caroline. Rachel can vaguely remember Quinn running out of classes and Glee practices back then, but Rachel just seems so much worse. She feels so horrible that she can’t physically sit up without feeling dizzy. She can’t be in the same room as food without feeling like she’ll throw up at any moment. Quinn always seemed to be at school back then so there’s no way her morning sickness could have been as bad as Rachel’s.
Maybe this morning sickness was some sort of sign that she shouldn’t be having this baby. Though, all joking aside, she’s honestly surprised she hasn’t thrown the fetus up yet. She knows it’s physically impossible to do so but she feels like she doesn’t have anything left in her body to throw up. She hasn’t eaten anything since yesterday morning and she’s been throwing up nothing but bile for the past few hours. Her whole body aches, her throat especially, and she really just wants all this to go away.
She hears the door open behind her and she closes her eyes before letting out an even breath. “Daddy, I really don’t want to talk right now. I don’t feel very good.”
She feels the bed dip behind her and she's about to protest again but the arm that slides over her waist stops her. Quinn molds herself to Rachel's body, digging her head in between the brunette's shoulder blades but makes sure she carefully avoids Rachel's stomach at all costs. "Your dads took Caroline to dinner and that new Disney movie. Said they wanted to give me a break. They feel bad."
"I'm sorry," she says hoarsely, her hand coming up to hold her throat. It hurts to talk, hurts to swallow, and her eyes tear up at the throbbing raw feeling beneath her hand.
"Don't apologize," Quinn whispers, stretching to leave a kiss on the back of her neck. "They said you've been sick all day."
"I can't keep anything down, I haven't even tried to eat today. I feel like shit."
"You kind of smell too," Quinn says lightly, a small laugh in her voice. "If I draw you a bath, do you think you can get through it without throwing up?"
Rachel shrugs, leaning into Quinn when her stomach starts churning again. "I can try. You might want to keep a bucket handy though."
"I'll be right back okay?" Rachel nods, her eyes closing again when she feels Quinn pull away. She'd honestly rather sleep for as long as she can instead of sitting in the tub. But then she moves her arm up to cover her eyes and she realizes Quinn was putting it nicely when she said she kinda smelled. She sits up slowly, clutching on to the bedspread beneath her when she starts to sway. She starts taking deep breaths, exhaling through her nose steadily when Quinn walks back in, her blonde hair now pulled back in a loose ponytail.
They make it to the bathroom without any trouble but the moment Rachel sits down on the toilet, she starts dry heaving. Quinn quickly grabs the trash can and thrusts it into Rachel's lap before gathering her hair in her hands and pulling it out of the way. Rachel heaves a few more times before spitting into the bin once she feels like she'll be fine, for now. She looks up at Quinn helplessly, her eyes watery from exertion and pain. "I just want it to stop," she cries, wincing as the words make it past her throat.
Quinn wants to tell her she can make it stop, that all she has to do is get rid of that thing inside her. An abortion is like a cure all; Rachel will physically feel better and their relationship can finally get back to some sort of normalcy. Noah will probably be upset for a while but eventually he'll realize that this was the right decision, just like she told him from the beginning. But Rachel doesn't look like she can handle hearing that right now and Quinn doesn't want to start anything while Rachel's like this. For once, Quinn just wants to do the right thing and just take care of her girl.
"It's going to be okay," she says, pushing Rachel's greasy hair back. "We're gonna get you clean and back into bed, then I'm going to make you the smoothie that helped with my morning sickness."
Rachel groans, shaking her head as Quinn takes the trash can from her. "It's just going to make me sick."
"I promise it won't." Quinn pulls Rachel's shirt over her head, tossing it in the direction of the laundry basket before having the brunette stand up. "Without that shake, I doubt I would've made it to school at all during my first trimester." She hooks her fingers into the waistband of Rachel's shorts and panties and pulls them down, Rachel gripping on to Quinn's shoulder when she picks her legs up to step out of the fabric. She helps Rachel slip into the tub, the water sloshing from side to side and causing it to trickle over the lip.
Rachel relaxes against the porcelain, sinking in until the water hits her chin. "Thank you."
"Don't thank me. I've been worse than a bitch to you," Quinn replies, leaning over Rachel to grab the body wash and shampoo from the shelf. "Dunk your head real quick." She does as she's told and when she resurfaces, Quinn squirts some shampoo into her hand before rubbing it into her scalp.
"I don't blame you. I fucked up." Quinn's fingertips massage her scalp, lathering the shampoo over all of the chocolate strands. "You know, I'm not even sure when it happened. I've been on the pill since high school. I've never missed one."
"Remember that day your dads took Caroline to the zoo in Columbus? You missed your pill that morning." She tugs on Rachel's hair, causing the brunette to dip her head back in to the water.
"How do you remember that," she asks as she closes her eyes in order to avoid getting any soapy water into them.
"Because the next morning I was getting out of the shower as you were finishing up your make up. When I kissed your cheek, you were popping your pill out. Then you realized you had an extra one." Rachel sits back up, eyes wide as she turns to face Quinn. "I told you it was going to be fine." She shrugs a little, pouring some body wash into her hand. She grabs Rachel's arms, pale hands leaving a soapy trail against tan skin as she runs over the length of the brunette's arms.
"You were worried," Rachel states, trying to catch Quinn's eyes. It's useless though because the other girl keeps her eyes on the body in front of her.
"Up," Quinn instructs, helping Rachel as she stands up herself. "And yes. Once your dads and Caroline left, the three of us didn't leave your bedroom until a half an hour before they got home. We had a lot of sex that day. It was literally the worst day for you to forget your pill." She puts some more soap in her hands, lathering it before starting at Rachel's collarbone. She can feel Rachel shivering beneath her and she works a little faster because she doesn't want that shivering to upset Rachel's stomach again. She carefully runs her hands over Rachel's chest, keeping her touch lighter than it's been all day because she knows her breasts are beyond sensitive right now. She lets her thumbs swirl over each nipple and she has the urge to smile a little when they pucker from her touch and the cool air.
“I don't think Noah's going to change his mind."
"I know. He's just as stubborn as we are." Her hands run over the tight skin of Rachel's stomach, frowning when she realizes the still flat skin feels different beneath her even though there's no physical difference. "Why would you want to go through what we went through? We've told you what it was like for us Rachel... It was awful."
"It doesn't have to be like that. You have a better job now and I have the same one. We might even be able to get a better apartment." She covers Quinn's hands with hers, bringing them to a stop on her stomach. "Why won't you just consider it? You refuse to even hear me out." Quinn sighs, shifting all her weight on to one leg as she tries to pull her hands away from that particular part of Rachel's skin. The brunette only tightens her grip, forcing Quinn to feel the skin that will soon stretch to accommodate the baby she considers to be Quinn's just as much as it is Noah's. "When I think about being a mom, I feel happy. That was just solidified more when you let me pick up Caroline from school because you’re daughter is so amazing, Quinn, that I can’t help but what my own baby. I want to be someone’s mom. And before all this came to light, I was happy with your family. It was the first time in a long time that I was. If you'd just let us, I think we could all be happy together."
"I'm not saying we wouldn't be happy. That's not what the argument is here. And I really want you to be happy, there's nothing I want more for all of us." Rachel finally loosens her grip enough for Quinn to continue her path along the shorter girl's body.
"Is it the money? I'm sure if we sat down and budgeted everything, we could make ends meet. I've even been thinking of applying for a job with the state. That means more money and benefits for me and the baby. I know you guys have a lot of debt but I'm sure we could even work on getting that down." Quinn's hands reach around to wash Rachel's back and ass before coming back around to clean her legs. "Even if we can't afford to move, that is if it's okay with you that I move in. I realize now I've been very presumptuous about that."
Quinn rolls her eyes, lifting Rachel's left leg and then her right, running her soapy hands over the skin that was underneath the water. "We were going to ask you to move in when your dads told you to find a place. We weren't sure if you'd accept or how Caroline would react or if you'd want your space which we obviously don't have, but we were going to offer. But then this whole baby thing happened..." She runs her hands up the inside of Rachel's thighs, letting one drop as the other cups the brunette between her legs. Rachel shivers for an entirely different reason, groaning when Quinn sighs as she drags her hands up to her hip, middle finger purposefully swirling over her clit on the way up. “What we have isn’t normal Rachel.” She watches as Quinn moves down, dipping her hands under the water to get rid of the soapy bubbles. She stays kneeling next to the tub and Rachel takes that as a sign to sit back down in the water herself.
“You had no problem with some of the looks we got when we went on our dates. You would kiss Noah and then me without a second thought.” Quinn shakes her head and instead starts running her wet fingers over Rachel’s arms once more. “I’m not suggesting we shout our relationship from the rooftops but why can’t we at least have a family behind closed doors?”
“Because our babies don’t deserve to be dragged into this. I’m okay with dirty looks but I will not stand for the kids being subjected to any sort of harassment because we all happen to love each other. Besides, what would we tell your fathers? They’re not stupid. Even if you lied and told them the baby isn’t Noah’s, they’d know. And I don’t want them to eternally pity me for sharing a home with both of you when they don’t know how I really factor into everything nor do I want this to ruin the relationship you have with them.” Quinn motions for her to go underwater but Rachel shakes her head.
“I don’t need my dads if I have the both of you.” If she’s honest with herself, she sounds kind of pathetic right now.
Quinn pinches the bridge of her nose before running her hand through her hair in aggravation. “Don’t do that to yourself or your fathers. They love you and just want what’s best for you.”
Rachel slumps in the tub, looking down at the now dirty water she’s sitting in. “What was this then,” she asks quietly, hands going up to play with the ends of her hair. She glances up at Quinn who arches an eyebrow, face softening more than it has all day. “If you honestly thought that this could never work long term, then what was this for you? Was I just something to pass the time in your shitty life?” She sounds so cold, something she wasn’t sure she was capable of, and she briefly wonders if Quinn is partially responsible for this. Quinn had no sense of hope when she came back here and on more than one occasion self deprecatingly called herself poisonous. Maybe that poison has finally seeped into Rachel but it’s not enough for her to give in to this fight. If anything, it makes her even more upset, makes her stare turn more icy than before.
“You’re not just a fuck buddy, Rachel. We just could have had a lot more if you hadn’t gotten pregnant.”
“So as long as I didn’t want to have my own kids, we could’ve been happy? If I conformed to your life plans?”
Quinn groans and stands up. “I wasn’t fucking thinking long term okay?! All I knew going in to this was that Noah and I could, if not did, love you, and that Caroline adored you. And that was enough for me. With you, I didn’t have to think ahead so I didn’t.” She walks over to the sink and grabs a towel from the cabinet. “I didn’t actually come here to fight with you.”
Rachel takes a breath and disappears under the water for 10 seconds before emerging slowly. She tries to wash away her shitty attitude (which she realizes is nearly impossible because she’s been in a shitty mood since Quinn found out she was pregnant) because it’s not Quinn’s fault that she was playing this by ear. They haven’t even been back in contact for a year and before she got pregnant, she wasn’t exactly questioning the longevity of their relationship. They’re both young and out of all of them, Rachel had the most reason to just be in a carefree relationship. It was enough for her and so she can’t fault Quinn when she didn’t really think about the future either. “So did you think you’d just be able to convince me,” she asks, a bit of bite left in her voice even though she’s stopped glaring at Quinn.
“I thought I could at least try. But then I saw you looking absolutely miserable and convincing you was the farthest thing from my mind.” She takes a step forward and wraps the towel around the brunette cautiously, obviously unsure of where this leaves them for now.
“Don’t feel sorry for me,” Rachel mutters as she relaxes into Quinn’s body, tucking her wet head underneath Quinn’s chin as she wraps her wet arms around the blonde’s waist. “I don’t like being mean to you but sometimes I think it’s the only way you’ll listen.”
“I am listening, Rach. I’m listening to both of you. I just don’t think that the pros will outweigh the cons.” Quinn presses a kiss into her wet hair and then leans back far enough so Rachel can see her. “Just let me take care of you for right now. We’ll talk when you’re feeling better okay?”
Rachel sighs. “We can’t just talk,” she replies, shrugging when Quinn looks like she’s about to protest. “It’s the truth. When there’s a disagreement, we do nothing but fight. You’ve always been like that Quinn.”
“Go lay down please,” is the only response she gets. The blonde waves for her to leave before she moves past Rachel to drain the tub and clean up the water that escaped.
She pads her way into her room, sitting down on the edge of her bed. It’s dark outside and the only thing she can see out the window is the outlined reflection of her in her room alone. They’re getting no where fast and with each passing day she just feels more drained. She’s tired but her stomach has gotten to the point where it physically hurts (either from her constant morning sickness, her lack of food, or both) too much to get to sleep when she does actually attempt it. And she still can’t wrap her mind around just how shitty her life got. She was happy and then suddenly she wasn’t. She knew this wasn’t going to be a welcome addition but nobody was dying, nobody was harmed. She just got pregnant. Shouldn’t that be a good thing when you’re in a stable, loving relationship?
She jumps when she feels Quinn gather her hair in her hands. The blonde sprays some of Caroline’s leave in conditioner into her hair before carefully brushing Rachel’s tangled hair. It almost makes her mad how sweet Quinn’s being to her. She knows that Quinn means well, that her entire argument is stemming from what Quinn thinks would be the best, but she’s the reason Rachel feels so horrible right now. If Quinn had only been okay with this baby, then everything would have been a little bit better right now. Having Quinn so close just makes her feel worse. “Do you love me,” she asks quietly, noting that Quinn’s hands don’t even pause when she answers yes.
“Do you not think that I do?”
Rachel shrugs, eyes closing when Quinn runs the brush over her scalp. “I thought that you did before… I wasn’t entirely sure about now though.”
Quinn sighs and it’s the sigh Rachel always hears before Caroline gets into trouble. “I’m not doing all this because I don’t love you,” she replies, voice clearly irritated though she’s trying to mask it. “I thought I made it clear that I’m saying all these things because I do love all of you. In this town, I think this is what’s best for us.”
“Can we do this somewhere else then? Go to a bigger city where we could be anonymous to nearly all the people we pass?” Quinn sets the brush down and then lets her hands half heartedly play with Rachel’s hair. “In New York, we’d be the only ones who’d matter.”
“What about the kids’ teachers? The friends they’ll inevitably make? Those friends’ parents? Yes a bigger city would take the focus off us for the most part but that won’t take the focus off the kids.” Quinn sighs again but it’s more tired not than it was before. “If you’re so eager to have this baby, maybe you should start acting like its mother.”
“Really,” Rachel spits out, turning around so she can look Quinn in the eye. “You’re going to tell me how to be a mother?”
“I’m not telling you how to parent, I am merely suggesting that you start acting like one. You and Noah both are being incredibly selfish.”
“How is wanting my child selfish,” Rachel yells, hand grabbing on to Quinn’s arm when the blonde tries to walk away. “It would be selfish of me to not want to raise this baby. I love Noah and I love you, so why shouldn’t I want a child with both of you? To me, wanting my baby is a lot more motherly than how you acted with Caroline.”
The glare that sets in on Quinn’s face would terrify her if she weren’t so angry. “Do not talk to me about her. I know I haven’t been a good mother but I’ve done my fucking best.” Quinn rips her arm away from Rachel only for the brunette to follow her back into the bathroom. “It was incredibly selfish of me to keep her. I know it was. I also know that her life would have been so much better if I’d actually given her away.”
Rachel walks up behind Quinn, her own glare set on the blonde in the mirror. “My pregnancy is nothing like yours. I know I don’t make a lot of money and I’m not in an exactly stable place right now, but I could do it. My fathers would help me until I got on my feet. I could be a better mother than you.”
Quinn spins around and Rachel sees a look that she hasn’t seen since high school. “Fuck. You,” Quinn growls, pushing Rachel away from her. “You don’t know how to be a mother anymore than I did at 16. You didn’t even have a mother! You’re so sure of yourself now, but it is an entirely different story once you actually have a screaming infant in your arms.” Rachel backs into the wall behind her as Quinn takes another step forward before trapping her against it. “And how the fuck are you going to feel when you realize you’re 24 with a kid and still relying on your daddies for everything? You have nothing right now and Noah will never leave me. You actually think that a year from now things are going to be all sunshine and rainbows? You’re going to start hating yourself, Rachel. And pretty soon after that, you’re gonna start resenting that baby.”
She’s not going to let Quinn do this to her again. This isn’t fucking high school anymore. “Oh, so mean girl Quinn is back,” Rachel scoffs and then pushes herself off the wall. “I may not have had a mother and depend on my fathers, but at least I won’t have to fuck anyone to provide for my kid.” Quinn’s eyes widen in surprise and Rachel can feel a sick smirk settling on her face. “I have always been better than you Quinn and it drives you crazy. You may have been prettier and more popular but I have parents who love me. I got out of this town. Any boy you ever cared about couldn’t resist me. Having this baby is going to be ten times easier for me than it was for you. And I can guarantee you, I will be a better mother than you.”
She hates that she’s saying this. It’s an ugly way of trying to get the upper hand and even though she does believe there’s some truth in her words, she doesn’t want to mean them. But she hasn’t slept in days and she’s tried of feeling like such shit. She honestly believes that they could make this work, that even if they have to lie about what they are. She can’t explain why she wants this baby so much, but she does. The relationship she had with Quinn and Noah was unconventional and a lot of people would call it fucked up. But it is also the most stable, healthy, relationship she’s ever had. They made her feel loved and they put up with every piece of her. They indulged her even when they were dog ass tired from work. They make her want to start a family with them, even if they haven’t been reacquainted for a year yet. She knows that Noah supports her having this baby, that he’s happy about it, so she doesn’t think it’s that crazy to want to go through with the pregnancy.
She’d be willing to lie to everyone about the paternity, completely hide her relationship with the couple unless they’re in the safety of their bedroom, and do anything else Quinn deems necessary to do this. Rachel’s willing to make those sacrifices but Quinn’s refusing to see that. Instead, the blonde just keeps trying to cut her down and if that’s how Quinn wants to do things, then so be it. Rachel learned how to play dirty from the best.
She’s still seething and she begins inwardly preparing herself for whatever Quinn’s going to scream back at her but Quinn’s face is completely blank. She just stares at her, face void of any emotion, save for the tears that are glazing over her eyes. Her lips part for a second before they close again and then she notices Quinn’s body visibly relax.
She’s giving up.
Quinn lets out a breath as she shakes her head, eyes closed tight. “Fine.” Rachel arches an eyebrow and Quinn just throws her hands up. “You’re right…” She’s shaking her head slightly and Rachel watches as tears spill down Quinn’s cheeks, the blonde licking her lips when a tear hits her mouth. “I’m done fighting with you. Have your baby Rachel. And have a nice life with our boy.”
Her face twists. “What?”
“I’m tired, Rachel. And we don’t exactly have all the time in the world to hash this out do we? You’re coming up on the beginning of your second trimester. So I’m backing down. Have your baby. I’m done.”
She brushes past Rachel and the only thing the brunette can do is stand there and blink before her brain catches up to what’s just happened. “Are you breaking up with me,” she asks, turning to stand in the doorway as Quinn picks up her bag and coat from Rachel’s desk. Quinn doesn’t turn around but nods as she throws on her heavy winter coat and Rachel notices Quinn cover her face once the coat rests on her shoulders. “Are you trying to guilt me into this?”
That gets Quinn’s attention and she spins on her heel, revealing her wet cheeks and red rimmed eyes. “Of course not.”
“You know that it’s all or nothing for me.”
Quinn nods. “That’s why I’m removing myself from the equation.”
Rachel crosses her arms under her chest, shaking her head. “You can’t just do that. What about Noah?”
“He can be in Caroline’s life but we’re done. You can keep him.”
“We love you! This is a relationship, Quinn. Noah isn’t a t-shirt you can just let me have. How can you honestly stand there and just… Give up?” She can’t believe she’s hearing this. It has been clear ever since the three of them got together that they all wanted each other. There was no favoring someone over the other in any sense.
“What do you want from me,” Quinn exclaims, dropping her purse to the ground with a loud thump. “I’m giving you what you want! You couldn’t make a decision. You kept waiting for my approval and I’m giving that to you now. Have your baby and go be fucking happy with Noah, okay?”
“But I want you. Noah wants you.”
“But you both want your baby. And I want you guys to have that. I just can’t be apart of that. I’m sorry, but I can’t.”
She feels her whole body sag and her arms drop to her sides as she rests against the doorframe. She really believes Quinn doesn’t have any ulterior motive when she says all of this. She trusts Quinn more than that and guilt wouldn’t have been a last ditch effort by the blonde. She would have tried it before, would have been one of her first attempts at swaying Rachel, and so Rachel knows that Quinn is genuinely giving up everything for them. She’s willing to be alone so that Rachel can have her family and so Noah won’t be forced to choose. She’s giving them the easiest out she can think of. Rachel’s not sure she’s felt so loved and so devastated at the same time before. Quinn picks up her bag again and Rachel’s stomach churns and she closes her eyes. “I’ll do it,” she whispers. She can hear her heart beating in her ears and she can’t believe she actually said that and clearly Quinn can’t either because her bag hits the ground again.
“Excuse me?”
She opens her eyes and Quinn has taken a cautious step towards her. “I’ll do it.”
“I’m sorry,” she says quietly after a long moment and Rachel walks up to her, throwing her arms around the taller girl’s neck, head resting against the blonde. “I don’t want this… I really just think it’s what’s best. I don’t want to do this to you.”
“You’re not doing anything to me. I’ve made my own decision.” Quinn clutches on to her and ducks her head down, lips skimming Rachel’s ear. “Noah’s going to be upset but we love each other right?” Quinn nods violently against her and then peppers Rachel with kisses, pulling back so she can see all of Rachel’s face.
“I love you. I’m sorry.” Each word punctuated with a kiss and Rachel starts crying harder, a lump forming in her throat as she feels bile start to rise in her throat.
Author: only_because3 or jeytonbrucasnaley
Pairing: Quinn/Puck/Rachel
Word Count: 8162
Rating: T
Summary: “Just because I got out of this rinky dink town doesn’t mean my dreams magically came true.”
Author's Note: I AM SO FUCKING SORRY! It has legit almost been an entire year since I updated. Life and other fics got in the way. And I'll admit, I lost a lot of inspiration for Puck during season two because him and Quinn not interacting was a bitch. BUT, now that they're actually conversing on the show again, my inspiration is back. I had a lot of this already written and just didn't know what it needed/how to finish it up but lucky for you, it's Allie's birthday today and that really got my ass into gear on posting this chapter. Once again, I am so sorry this has taken so long to update and I hope those of you who have been waiting for this chapter enjoy! Oh! And thanks to Az for reading this over for me.
--
“Rachel?” Her eyes flutter open, the curtains parted enough to let light dance into the room. She groans slightly, pulling her blanket tighter around her and pushing herself further into Noah’s body.
“Rachel.”
Her eyes open again, focusing on the body in front of her. She’s awake as soon as she realizes she’s looking at her father’s face. “Get dressed and meet me in the kitchen. Now.” She nods slowly and once she hears her door shut, she creeps into the bathroom to throw up.
--
John Berry sits at the head of the table, half a bagel and a cup of coffee in front of him. His hands are folded in his lap and he’s staring straight ahead, not acknowledging his daughter until she sits at the other end of the glass table.
“So Quinn had to leave work early today,” he says evenly, taking a sip of his black coffee.
Rachel stares at the untouched bagel.
“Do you know why she had to leave early?” She shakes her head. “She had to pick Caroline up from school because Noah has the flu.” Rachel drops her gaze to her hands. “So would you mind explaining to me what he’s doing in your bed at this very moment?”
She stays silent, squeezing her hands into fists, knuckles turning white and nails creating crescents in the palm of her hand.
“Are you going to answer me Rachel?”
“No,” she whispers, gaze remaining steadfast on her lap.
He sighs heavily, fingers rubbing his brow tiredly. “I defended the both of you to your dad. You’re a good girl and he’s a good boy. And I told your dad that people make mistakes. That what you two did, are doing, doesn't change the fact that we love you. But it’s going too far now, Rachel. Whatever it is you’re doing is starting to directly affect his family. Before, at the very least, he still kept up his responsibilities to Quinn and Caroline. But now he’s pretending to be sick so Quinn has to take off work while you fuck him?”
“You don’t know the whole story Dad,” she tries quietly, and even though she’s not looking at him, she knows he’s crossing his arms over his chest, eyes narrowing.
“Do you care to explain it then? Is there some grand piece of information that your father and I are missing? And please, spare me the humor. I don’t want to hear you say you love him.”
“It’s complicated,” she mutters.
“And I’m giving you a chance to explain yourself.”
“You wouldn’t understand, Dad. Please just leave it alone.”
“I like to think that your dad and I are very understanding people. Try me,” he responds and the only thing she can think to do is get up.
She slowly pushes back her chair and stands up, tucking her hair behind her ears.
“Rachel?”
She slowly turns to look at him, eyes closed for a moment before looking at her father for the first time since she came downstairs. “I know you don’t want to hear what I have to say and half of what I can say I don’t think you’ll understand at all. It’s not something simple. So unless you want to berate me some more, I think we’re done.”
“Rachel,” he tries, voice still hard but she shakes her head and walks away.
--
Part of her feels like curling back up on the bed with Noah and falling back asleep but she doesn’t think her mind (or her stomach for that matter) will allow that to happen. She sneaks her hand under the fabric of her sweater to rub her tummy, even though she has been trying to avoid touching because she doesn’t want to get attached. There’s nothing visible yet but she knows there’s something under there and it kind of wigs her out.
She walks over to the window and sits down on the bench in front of it, pulling back the curtain just enough so she can see outside without waking the boy in her bed. There’s a thin layer of snow outside and the sun is hidden behind a sea of dark gray clouds. She has half a mind to glare at it because weather like this always puts her in a bad mood but she has been feeling this way for a while now anyway. The weather just so happens to be matching now and she sighs tiredly as she relaxes into her spot.
Her dad was so upset and, frankly, it kind of kills her that she can’t tell her dad what’s really going on between her, Noah and Quinn. She knows that she already let them down by moving back here. She didn’t finish school, she couldn’t support herself, and it’s because of her parents that she has a roof over her head and a job now. She’s still a pretty good kid though, nothing to be ashamed of (she’s free of a drug habit and she hasn’t experienced a day where she seems like someone out of an SVU episode), and she’s incredibly thankful that her dads do care enough to let her come back. But from what they know of the situation, she looks like a horrible person, nothing at all like the girl they raised (even if their girl was known for stealing boys in high school). They raised a good girl and even though they’d never say it to her face, they probably think she’s a whore. She’s a home wrecker who they tolerate because she’s their daughter. In actuality, they’d sooner support Quinn wholeheartedly in this situation.
She releases another sigh, running a hand through her knotted hair. She is a home wrecker. Maybe not how her fathers think she is, but this pregnancy has strained Quinn and Noah’s relationship and therefore created an unstable environment for Caroline. Rachel knows that before she came back into their lives, they didn’t have a great relationship (hell, they didn’t have a good relationship). It was forged out of convenience more than actual feelings but Rachel doesn’t doubt that if their situation had been better, Noah would still be with Quinn. All the fucked up things Rachel knows from the last five years were done because the young couple cared about each other. She knows there were fights, some of which neither of them will tell her about (they just look at one another before distracting her in some way), and a bunch of other shitty things but they still went through them together. They both had plenty of chances to leave. Neither of them had to come back to that little hole in the wall they call home, but they did, and that’s how Rachel knew they loved each other. And then she came along and, while she really believes they were happy for the short time they were together, she has created such a divide between the two that for the first time since Caroline was born, Noah didn’t go home.
She can only imagine how Quinn’s feeling right now. Rachel was used to being alone. She didn’t like it, in fact she hated being by herself, but she had dealt with it for years. She didn’t have very many friends growing up and she spent her years in New York alone. Loneliness is like an old friend for her. Quinn hasn’t been alone or without Noah in five years.
She knew this pregnancy was going to ruin everything and it’s actually making her feel worse than expected. Not only is her body feeling horrible because of it but it’s affecting everyone in her life. She’s letting down people who care about her and for what? Before this happened, she hadn’t really thought of kids. She liked them enough and Caroline is an absolute sweetheart but they were never really in her plans. When she left Lima, she left to go be on stage and her acting career had no room for babies. Having any of her own kids was never something she thought about. And when she thinks about how happy they’d all been before this, she really just wants that back. She doesn’t want Quinn to be upset with them, she doesn’t want Caroline to be without her father, and she doesn’t want her fathers to be even more disappointed in her.
She doesn’t have to have this baby. She’s still young and there will be plenty of time in the future if she really wanted them. Besides, for now, being Aunt Rachel to Caroline is enough for her. She should’ve just gotten rid of it the day after she took the test. It would’ve saved them from all this mess. She just got too caught up in the idea at first. Quinn was right. None of them were in a stable place right now. Rachel is still completely reliant on her parents at 21 and getting an abortion makes the most sense.
It’ll probably hurt Noah but he’ll realize that this is what’s best. Maybe, when they’re all in a better place, they can talk about kids. But for now, things are much better off without another child added to the situation.
She starts rubbing her stomach again when she feels it starting to churn once more, leaning her head against the cold glass. The sun’s starting to peek out from behind the clouds again just as she notices Mrs. Brooks jogging down the sidewalk. She and her husband moved into the house on the corner Rachel’s senior year. She doesn’t know them very well and as far as Rachel knows, her fathers aren’t very close to the family. But they do go to all the neighborhood functions and seem like a really nice couple. One thing that Rachel does know is that the couple wanted kids but, for whatever reason, it wasn’t happening. She can actually remember her daddy telling her about when Mrs. Brooks announced she was pregnant with the little boy she’s pushing in the stroller now. Her fathers had been beyond happy for them, even if they weren’t close. She finds herself smiling a little bit, her grin widening when she notices that Mrs. Brooks appears to be pregnant again. The older woman looks so happy and content with her life that Rachel wishes she had that feeling.
She has felt like a complete mess since she came back. She had had her head in the clouds when she left for New York. She was just a girl from Ohio and her voice had been polished by vocal coaches who had no known clients under their belts. Broadway shouldn’t have felt so in reach.
That isn’t to say she hasn’t had wonderful moments while she’s been here. The moments she has shared with the Fabray-Puckerman family have been her highlights. They completely charmed her without even trying and they both still had so much faith in her even though she had come home empty handed. She loves them but she knows they’re even more fucked up than she is. While she’s wallowing in her own little puddle of depression, they have far bigger things to worry about, like bills, their child, and figuring out where the two of them stand now that Rachel has made them realize that they’re together. And now Rachel’s left trying to figure out how she fits in their lives while trying to reclaim the independence she had when she was drowning in New York.
So having - wanting - this baby is stupid. Babies don’t fix things and she won’t feel content or put back together if she had one. If anything, this’ll just make her feel even more lost. And she’s selfish. Rachel knows she is. She doesn’t think she can give up what little she does have to take care of a child.
But damn it if she isn’t thinking about what it’d be like to have a baby with Quinn and Noah.
She watches as Mrs. Brooks stops short in front of her house, her smiling face replaced by a worried frown. Rachel watches curiously as Mrs. Brooks crouches down in front of the stroller, trying to calm down the bundled up toddler. He doesn’t keep crying for very long. All it takes is a kiss on the forehead and Mrs. Brooks tucking his blanket tighter around him for the tears to stop. It seems like all he needed was to see his mom. It amazes her just how much a child can so purely want another person.
“Must be nice,” she whispers out loud. Her smile shrinks and even though everything is telling her to stop thinking it, she can’t. Rachel has felt loved before but she’s never really felt needed. And as much as she hates to say it, her mommy issues are reappearing and making what should be a logical decision difficult. She should feel no connection to this baby. Her own mother didn’t give two shits about her so why is she allowing herself to indulge what a future would be like with a child who needs her?
She sighs, pulling the sleeves of her sweater over her hands as she hears Noah waking up.
--
Rachel Berry has always thrown herself into everything. Into singing, into dancing, into school, into life. And by throwing herself into things, she’s come to realize that she loves a lot. She loves to sing and dance, she loves her life. And in her life, she’s loved a lot of people. She’s thrown herself into Finn and Jesse, obsessed over Shelby, and has been forever dutiful to her fathers. All of this is proof that Rachel Barbra Berry has a lot of love in her (and yeah, maybe a lot of obsession too).
But now that she’s sitting alone in the dump of a truck stop that Quinn used to work in, she wonders if she loves too much. Because she loves Noah, she loves Quinn, she loves Caroline, and she loves her baby and nothing is turning out right. Quinn is mad (though she seems more sad than anything now) and Rachel wants so desperately to make it right but if she does that, then she hurts everyone else.
She looks down at the crap placed in front of her (she ordered biscuits and gravy again) before glancing up at the new waitress. She’s a heavyset red head with pit stains on her robin’s egg blue uniform. She’s nowhere near as pretty as Quinn is and she’s definitely a lot older (40 something if Rachel had to guess). This waitress doesn’t smile but Rachel can’t really blame her, Quinn only smiled when it guaranteed a tip and tips only seemed to come through when the customer was fat and missing a few teeth. She watches as the redhead moves around the diner, the disgusting truckers not paying as much attention to her as they did Quinn.
“What’re you doing here?” She turns and finds Noah slumping down in the seat beside her. It’s early so he really shouldn’t be here, he should be sleeping since he barely got off work an hour ago. She opens her mouth to tell him to go home but he shakes his head. “I’m fine, Rach. Another hour awake isn’t going to kill me.” She smiles softly and pulls her messy brown hair into a sloppy bun on top of her head before nudging the cup of coffee she impetuously ordered towards him.
“I miss our girls,” she says sadly, moving the slop on her plate around before dropping her fork, the silver clanging on the dirty white plate.
“I saw them yesterday.” She looks as his jaw locks and hands relax. “Tried to pick Caroline up but Quinn wouldn’t let me.” She leans over and rests her head on his shoulder.
“She needs her… If you’re not there and Caroline’s gone, who else does she have?” He grunts and she clutches his arm, nails softly pricking his skin.
“She’s supposed to have you isn’t she?”
“She doesn’t want me.”
“Yes she does… She just doesn’t want…” He trails off, can’t find it within himself to bring up the baby out loud, not after Mr. Berry talked to him yesterday morning.
“Why are you here,” she asks after a breath of silence, eyes trailing the redhead who drops a plate right before the bin behind the counter.
“I asked you first.” She cranes her neck to look up at him and brings a hand up to run along his jaw, his stubble comforting and harsh under her palm. He kisses her forehead and she lets out a breath before she sits back up.
“I don’t know,” she answers honestly, shrugging a little. “I don’t really know what I’m doing at all anymore.” She pulls her plate back towards her, cutting in to her biscuit and taking a small bite. She’s hoping this will actually stay down but she knows how unlikely that is. “I’m sorry I ruined things.”
“It’s not your fault,” he says gruffly as he runs a hand over his chin. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I wish you’d fucking see that.”
There’s an angry pleading in his eyes and she lets out a breath when she grabs his hand, holding it tightly between her own. “I know baby,” she replies, kissing his knuckles before he continues. “No one’s to blame but I really don’t have any problem taking it… I just don’t want anyone to be angry with each other.” It’s a lie at best. He may have been the one to come inside her but she let him fuck her without a condom and she knows there have been days where she’s taken her pill a few hours later than she should have. She takes full responsibility for messing things up but if saying it’s not calms him down a little bit, then she’ll lie to him all day. “I want us to all be happy but I know that’s not going to happen.”
“You still need our baby?”
“I do… I’m just not sure who I need more. You and Quinn or the baby.” She knows she can’t have all three and she keeps trying to convince herself that she doesn’t need this baby. Being around Noah isn’t helping her with that but she’s not sure she can handle being away from him if she’s just going to have to stay away from Quinn too. She can’t go from having so much to having nothing at all. “Do you honestly think it’ll be okay?”
He drinks half of her coffee and runs the back of his hand over his mouth before he shrugs. “I don’t think it can get any worse,” he admits and she nods even though she’s not sure what to make of that.
“What if she doesn’t come around?”
“You know she’s a stubborn bitch, Rachel. She’s too pessimistic for her own good. Did you know she almost didn’t take the job because she was worried the offer wasn’t legit or that your dad would fire her and we’d be fucked?” He finishes the rest of the cup she ordered, waving down Quinn’s replacement for a refill.
“But what if she doesn’t come around, Noah?”
“She will.” She tries not to notice the crack in his voice.
--
She eases herself on to her bed, cradling her stomach when she lays on her side. If Quinn were talking to her, she’d ask if her morning sickness was this bad with Caroline. Rachel can vaguely remember Quinn running out of classes and Glee practices back then, but Rachel just seems so much worse. She feels so horrible that she can’t physically sit up without feeling dizzy. She can’t be in the same room as food without feeling like she’ll throw up at any moment. Quinn always seemed to be at school back then so there’s no way her morning sickness could have been as bad as Rachel’s.
Maybe this morning sickness was some sort of sign that she shouldn’t be having this baby. Though, all joking aside, she’s honestly surprised she hasn’t thrown the fetus up yet. She knows it’s physically impossible to do so but she feels like she doesn’t have anything left in her body to throw up. She hasn’t eaten anything since yesterday morning and she’s been throwing up nothing but bile for the past few hours. Her whole body aches, her throat especially, and she really just wants all this to go away.
She hears the door open behind her and she closes her eyes before letting out an even breath. “Daddy, I really don’t want to talk right now. I don’t feel very good.”
She feels the bed dip behind her and she's about to protest again but the arm that slides over her waist stops her. Quinn molds herself to Rachel's body, digging her head in between the brunette's shoulder blades but makes sure she carefully avoids Rachel's stomach at all costs. "Your dads took Caroline to dinner and that new Disney movie. Said they wanted to give me a break. They feel bad."
"I'm sorry," she says hoarsely, her hand coming up to hold her throat. It hurts to talk, hurts to swallow, and her eyes tear up at the throbbing raw feeling beneath her hand.
"Don't apologize," Quinn whispers, stretching to leave a kiss on the back of her neck. "They said you've been sick all day."
"I can't keep anything down, I haven't even tried to eat today. I feel like shit."
"You kind of smell too," Quinn says lightly, a small laugh in her voice. "If I draw you a bath, do you think you can get through it without throwing up?"
Rachel shrugs, leaning into Quinn when her stomach starts churning again. "I can try. You might want to keep a bucket handy though."
"I'll be right back okay?" Rachel nods, her eyes closing again when she feels Quinn pull away. She'd honestly rather sleep for as long as she can instead of sitting in the tub. But then she moves her arm up to cover her eyes and she realizes Quinn was putting it nicely when she said she kinda smelled. She sits up slowly, clutching on to the bedspread beneath her when she starts to sway. She starts taking deep breaths, exhaling through her nose steadily when Quinn walks back in, her blonde hair now pulled back in a loose ponytail.
They make it to the bathroom without any trouble but the moment Rachel sits down on the toilet, she starts dry heaving. Quinn quickly grabs the trash can and thrusts it into Rachel's lap before gathering her hair in her hands and pulling it out of the way. Rachel heaves a few more times before spitting into the bin once she feels like she'll be fine, for now. She looks up at Quinn helplessly, her eyes watery from exertion and pain. "I just want it to stop," she cries, wincing as the words make it past her throat.
Quinn wants to tell her she can make it stop, that all she has to do is get rid of that thing inside her. An abortion is like a cure all; Rachel will physically feel better and their relationship can finally get back to some sort of normalcy. Noah will probably be upset for a while but eventually he'll realize that this was the right decision, just like she told him from the beginning. But Rachel doesn't look like she can handle hearing that right now and Quinn doesn't want to start anything while Rachel's like this. For once, Quinn just wants to do the right thing and just take care of her girl.
"It's going to be okay," she says, pushing Rachel's greasy hair back. "We're gonna get you clean and back into bed, then I'm going to make you the smoothie that helped with my morning sickness."
Rachel groans, shaking her head as Quinn takes the trash can from her. "It's just going to make me sick."
"I promise it won't." Quinn pulls Rachel's shirt over her head, tossing it in the direction of the laundry basket before having the brunette stand up. "Without that shake, I doubt I would've made it to school at all during my first trimester." She hooks her fingers into the waistband of Rachel's shorts and panties and pulls them down, Rachel gripping on to Quinn's shoulder when she picks her legs up to step out of the fabric. She helps Rachel slip into the tub, the water sloshing from side to side and causing it to trickle over the lip.
Rachel relaxes against the porcelain, sinking in until the water hits her chin. "Thank you."
"Don't thank me. I've been worse than a bitch to you," Quinn replies, leaning over Rachel to grab the body wash and shampoo from the shelf. "Dunk your head real quick." She does as she's told and when she resurfaces, Quinn squirts some shampoo into her hand before rubbing it into her scalp.
"I don't blame you. I fucked up." Quinn's fingertips massage her scalp, lathering the shampoo over all of the chocolate strands. "You know, I'm not even sure when it happened. I've been on the pill since high school. I've never missed one."
"Remember that day your dads took Caroline to the zoo in Columbus? You missed your pill that morning." She tugs on Rachel's hair, causing the brunette to dip her head back in to the water.
"How do you remember that," she asks as she closes her eyes in order to avoid getting any soapy water into them.
"Because the next morning I was getting out of the shower as you were finishing up your make up. When I kissed your cheek, you were popping your pill out. Then you realized you had an extra one." Rachel sits back up, eyes wide as she turns to face Quinn. "I told you it was going to be fine." She shrugs a little, pouring some body wash into her hand. She grabs Rachel's arms, pale hands leaving a soapy trail against tan skin as she runs over the length of the brunette's arms.
"You were worried," Rachel states, trying to catch Quinn's eyes. It's useless though because the other girl keeps her eyes on the body in front of her.
"Up," Quinn instructs, helping Rachel as she stands up herself. "And yes. Once your dads and Caroline left, the three of us didn't leave your bedroom until a half an hour before they got home. We had a lot of sex that day. It was literally the worst day for you to forget your pill." She puts some more soap in her hands, lathering it before starting at Rachel's collarbone. She can feel Rachel shivering beneath her and she works a little faster because she doesn't want that shivering to upset Rachel's stomach again. She carefully runs her hands over Rachel's chest, keeping her touch lighter than it's been all day because she knows her breasts are beyond sensitive right now. She lets her thumbs swirl over each nipple and she has the urge to smile a little when they pucker from her touch and the cool air.
“I don't think Noah's going to change his mind."
"I know. He's just as stubborn as we are." Her hands run over the tight skin of Rachel's stomach, frowning when she realizes the still flat skin feels different beneath her even though there's no physical difference. "Why would you want to go through what we went through? We've told you what it was like for us Rachel... It was awful."
"It doesn't have to be like that. You have a better job now and I have the same one. We might even be able to get a better apartment." She covers Quinn's hands with hers, bringing them to a stop on her stomach. "Why won't you just consider it? You refuse to even hear me out." Quinn sighs, shifting all her weight on to one leg as she tries to pull her hands away from that particular part of Rachel's skin. The brunette only tightens her grip, forcing Quinn to feel the skin that will soon stretch to accommodate the baby she considers to be Quinn's just as much as it is Noah's. "When I think about being a mom, I feel happy. That was just solidified more when you let me pick up Caroline from school because you’re daughter is so amazing, Quinn, that I can’t help but what my own baby. I want to be someone’s mom. And before all this came to light, I was happy with your family. It was the first time in a long time that I was. If you'd just let us, I think we could all be happy together."
"I'm not saying we wouldn't be happy. That's not what the argument is here. And I really want you to be happy, there's nothing I want more for all of us." Rachel finally loosens her grip enough for Quinn to continue her path along the shorter girl's body.
"Is it the money? I'm sure if we sat down and budgeted everything, we could make ends meet. I've even been thinking of applying for a job with the state. That means more money and benefits for me and the baby. I know you guys have a lot of debt but I'm sure we could even work on getting that down." Quinn's hands reach around to wash Rachel's back and ass before coming back around to clean her legs. "Even if we can't afford to move, that is if it's okay with you that I move in. I realize now I've been very presumptuous about that."
Quinn rolls her eyes, lifting Rachel's left leg and then her right, running her soapy hands over the skin that was underneath the water. "We were going to ask you to move in when your dads told you to find a place. We weren't sure if you'd accept or how Caroline would react or if you'd want your space which we obviously don't have, but we were going to offer. But then this whole baby thing happened..." She runs her hands up the inside of Rachel's thighs, letting one drop as the other cups the brunette between her legs. Rachel shivers for an entirely different reason, groaning when Quinn sighs as she drags her hands up to her hip, middle finger purposefully swirling over her clit on the way up. “What we have isn’t normal Rachel.” She watches as Quinn moves down, dipping her hands under the water to get rid of the soapy bubbles. She stays kneeling next to the tub and Rachel takes that as a sign to sit back down in the water herself.
“You had no problem with some of the looks we got when we went on our dates. You would kiss Noah and then me without a second thought.” Quinn shakes her head and instead starts running her wet fingers over Rachel’s arms once more. “I’m not suggesting we shout our relationship from the rooftops but why can’t we at least have a family behind closed doors?”
“Because our babies don’t deserve to be dragged into this. I’m okay with dirty looks but I will not stand for the kids being subjected to any sort of harassment because we all happen to love each other. Besides, what would we tell your fathers? They’re not stupid. Even if you lied and told them the baby isn’t Noah’s, they’d know. And I don’t want them to eternally pity me for sharing a home with both of you when they don’t know how I really factor into everything nor do I want this to ruin the relationship you have with them.” Quinn motions for her to go underwater but Rachel shakes her head.
“I don’t need my dads if I have the both of you.” If she’s honest with herself, she sounds kind of pathetic right now.
Quinn pinches the bridge of her nose before running her hand through her hair in aggravation. “Don’t do that to yourself or your fathers. They love you and just want what’s best for you.”
Rachel slumps in the tub, looking down at the now dirty water she’s sitting in. “What was this then,” she asks quietly, hands going up to play with the ends of her hair. She glances up at Quinn who arches an eyebrow, face softening more than it has all day. “If you honestly thought that this could never work long term, then what was this for you? Was I just something to pass the time in your shitty life?” She sounds so cold, something she wasn’t sure she was capable of, and she briefly wonders if Quinn is partially responsible for this. Quinn had no sense of hope when she came back here and on more than one occasion self deprecatingly called herself poisonous. Maybe that poison has finally seeped into Rachel but it’s not enough for her to give in to this fight. If anything, it makes her even more upset, makes her stare turn more icy than before.
“You’re not just a fuck buddy, Rachel. We just could have had a lot more if you hadn’t gotten pregnant.”
“So as long as I didn’t want to have my own kids, we could’ve been happy? If I conformed to your life plans?”
Quinn groans and stands up. “I wasn’t fucking thinking long term okay?! All I knew going in to this was that Noah and I could, if not did, love you, and that Caroline adored you. And that was enough for me. With you, I didn’t have to think ahead so I didn’t.” She walks over to the sink and grabs a towel from the cabinet. “I didn’t actually come here to fight with you.”
Rachel takes a breath and disappears under the water for 10 seconds before emerging slowly. She tries to wash away her shitty attitude (which she realizes is nearly impossible because she’s been in a shitty mood since Quinn found out she was pregnant) because it’s not Quinn’s fault that she was playing this by ear. They haven’t even been back in contact for a year and before she got pregnant, she wasn’t exactly questioning the longevity of their relationship. They’re both young and out of all of them, Rachel had the most reason to just be in a carefree relationship. It was enough for her and so she can’t fault Quinn when she didn’t really think about the future either. “So did you think you’d just be able to convince me,” she asks, a bit of bite left in her voice even though she’s stopped glaring at Quinn.
“I thought I could at least try. But then I saw you looking absolutely miserable and convincing you was the farthest thing from my mind.” She takes a step forward and wraps the towel around the brunette cautiously, obviously unsure of where this leaves them for now.
“Don’t feel sorry for me,” Rachel mutters as she relaxes into Quinn’s body, tucking her wet head underneath Quinn’s chin as she wraps her wet arms around the blonde’s waist. “I don’t like being mean to you but sometimes I think it’s the only way you’ll listen.”
“I am listening, Rach. I’m listening to both of you. I just don’t think that the pros will outweigh the cons.” Quinn presses a kiss into her wet hair and then leans back far enough so Rachel can see her. “Just let me take care of you for right now. We’ll talk when you’re feeling better okay?”
Rachel sighs. “We can’t just talk,” she replies, shrugging when Quinn looks like she’s about to protest. “It’s the truth. When there’s a disagreement, we do nothing but fight. You’ve always been like that Quinn.”
“Go lay down please,” is the only response she gets. The blonde waves for her to leave before she moves past Rachel to drain the tub and clean up the water that escaped.
She pads her way into her room, sitting down on the edge of her bed. It’s dark outside and the only thing she can see out the window is the outlined reflection of her in her room alone. They’re getting no where fast and with each passing day she just feels more drained. She’s tired but her stomach has gotten to the point where it physically hurts (either from her constant morning sickness, her lack of food, or both) too much to get to sleep when she does actually attempt it. And she still can’t wrap her mind around just how shitty her life got. She was happy and then suddenly she wasn’t. She knew this wasn’t going to be a welcome addition but nobody was dying, nobody was harmed. She just got pregnant. Shouldn’t that be a good thing when you’re in a stable, loving relationship?
She jumps when she feels Quinn gather her hair in her hands. The blonde sprays some of Caroline’s leave in conditioner into her hair before carefully brushing Rachel’s tangled hair. It almost makes her mad how sweet Quinn’s being to her. She knows that Quinn means well, that her entire argument is stemming from what Quinn thinks would be the best, but she’s the reason Rachel feels so horrible right now. If Quinn had only been okay with this baby, then everything would have been a little bit better right now. Having Quinn so close just makes her feel worse. “Do you love me,” she asks quietly, noting that Quinn’s hands don’t even pause when she answers yes.
“Do you not think that I do?”
Rachel shrugs, eyes closing when Quinn runs the brush over her scalp. “I thought that you did before… I wasn’t entirely sure about now though.”
Quinn sighs and it’s the sigh Rachel always hears before Caroline gets into trouble. “I’m not doing all this because I don’t love you,” she replies, voice clearly irritated though she’s trying to mask it. “I thought I made it clear that I’m saying all these things because I do love all of you. In this town, I think this is what’s best for us.”
“Can we do this somewhere else then? Go to a bigger city where we could be anonymous to nearly all the people we pass?” Quinn sets the brush down and then lets her hands half heartedly play with Rachel’s hair. “In New York, we’d be the only ones who’d matter.”
“What about the kids’ teachers? The friends they’ll inevitably make? Those friends’ parents? Yes a bigger city would take the focus off us for the most part but that won’t take the focus off the kids.” Quinn sighs again but it’s more tired not than it was before. “If you’re so eager to have this baby, maybe you should start acting like its mother.”
“Really,” Rachel spits out, turning around so she can look Quinn in the eye. “You’re going to tell me how to be a mother?”
“I’m not telling you how to parent, I am merely suggesting that you start acting like one. You and Noah both are being incredibly selfish.”
“How is wanting my child selfish,” Rachel yells, hand grabbing on to Quinn’s arm when the blonde tries to walk away. “It would be selfish of me to not want to raise this baby. I love Noah and I love you, so why shouldn’t I want a child with both of you? To me, wanting my baby is a lot more motherly than how you acted with Caroline.”
The glare that sets in on Quinn’s face would terrify her if she weren’t so angry. “Do not talk to me about her. I know I haven’t been a good mother but I’ve done my fucking best.” Quinn rips her arm away from Rachel only for the brunette to follow her back into the bathroom. “It was incredibly selfish of me to keep her. I know it was. I also know that her life would have been so much better if I’d actually given her away.”
Rachel walks up behind Quinn, her own glare set on the blonde in the mirror. “My pregnancy is nothing like yours. I know I don’t make a lot of money and I’m not in an exactly stable place right now, but I could do it. My fathers would help me until I got on my feet. I could be a better mother than you.”
Quinn spins around and Rachel sees a look that she hasn’t seen since high school. “Fuck. You,” Quinn growls, pushing Rachel away from her. “You don’t know how to be a mother anymore than I did at 16. You didn’t even have a mother! You’re so sure of yourself now, but it is an entirely different story once you actually have a screaming infant in your arms.” Rachel backs into the wall behind her as Quinn takes another step forward before trapping her against it. “And how the fuck are you going to feel when you realize you’re 24 with a kid and still relying on your daddies for everything? You have nothing right now and Noah will never leave me. You actually think that a year from now things are going to be all sunshine and rainbows? You’re going to start hating yourself, Rachel. And pretty soon after that, you’re gonna start resenting that baby.”
She’s not going to let Quinn do this to her again. This isn’t fucking high school anymore. “Oh, so mean girl Quinn is back,” Rachel scoffs and then pushes herself off the wall. “I may not have had a mother and depend on my fathers, but at least I won’t have to fuck anyone to provide for my kid.” Quinn’s eyes widen in surprise and Rachel can feel a sick smirk settling on her face. “I have always been better than you Quinn and it drives you crazy. You may have been prettier and more popular but I have parents who love me. I got out of this town. Any boy you ever cared about couldn’t resist me. Having this baby is going to be ten times easier for me than it was for you. And I can guarantee you, I will be a better mother than you.”
She hates that she’s saying this. It’s an ugly way of trying to get the upper hand and even though she does believe there’s some truth in her words, she doesn’t want to mean them. But she hasn’t slept in days and she’s tried of feeling like such shit. She honestly believes that they could make this work, that even if they have to lie about what they are. She can’t explain why she wants this baby so much, but she does. The relationship she had with Quinn and Noah was unconventional and a lot of people would call it fucked up. But it is also the most stable, healthy, relationship she’s ever had. They made her feel loved and they put up with every piece of her. They indulged her even when they were dog ass tired from work. They make her want to start a family with them, even if they haven’t been reacquainted for a year yet. She knows that Noah supports her having this baby, that he’s happy about it, so she doesn’t think it’s that crazy to want to go through with the pregnancy.
She’d be willing to lie to everyone about the paternity, completely hide her relationship with the couple unless they’re in the safety of their bedroom, and do anything else Quinn deems necessary to do this. Rachel’s willing to make those sacrifices but Quinn’s refusing to see that. Instead, the blonde just keeps trying to cut her down and if that’s how Quinn wants to do things, then so be it. Rachel learned how to play dirty from the best.
She’s still seething and she begins inwardly preparing herself for whatever Quinn’s going to scream back at her but Quinn’s face is completely blank. She just stares at her, face void of any emotion, save for the tears that are glazing over her eyes. Her lips part for a second before they close again and then she notices Quinn’s body visibly relax.
She’s giving up.
Quinn lets out a breath as she shakes her head, eyes closed tight. “Fine.” Rachel arches an eyebrow and Quinn just throws her hands up. “You’re right…” She’s shaking her head slightly and Rachel watches as tears spill down Quinn’s cheeks, the blonde licking her lips when a tear hits her mouth. “I’m done fighting with you. Have your baby Rachel. And have a nice life with our boy.”
Her face twists. “What?”
“I’m tired, Rachel. And we don’t exactly have all the time in the world to hash this out do we? You’re coming up on the beginning of your second trimester. So I’m backing down. Have your baby. I’m done.”
She brushes past Rachel and the only thing the brunette can do is stand there and blink before her brain catches up to what’s just happened. “Are you breaking up with me,” she asks, turning to stand in the doorway as Quinn picks up her bag and coat from Rachel’s desk. Quinn doesn’t turn around but nods as she throws on her heavy winter coat and Rachel notices Quinn cover her face once the coat rests on her shoulders. “Are you trying to guilt me into this?”
That gets Quinn’s attention and she spins on her heel, revealing her wet cheeks and red rimmed eyes. “Of course not.”
“You know that it’s all or nothing for me.”
Quinn nods. “That’s why I’m removing myself from the equation.”
Rachel crosses her arms under her chest, shaking her head. “You can’t just do that. What about Noah?”
“He can be in Caroline’s life but we’re done. You can keep him.”
“We love you! This is a relationship, Quinn. Noah isn’t a t-shirt you can just let me have. How can you honestly stand there and just… Give up?” She can’t believe she’s hearing this. It has been clear ever since the three of them got together that they all wanted each other. There was no favoring someone over the other in any sense.
“What do you want from me,” Quinn exclaims, dropping her purse to the ground with a loud thump. “I’m giving you what you want! You couldn’t make a decision. You kept waiting for my approval and I’m giving that to you now. Have your baby and go be fucking happy with Noah, okay?”
“But I want you. Noah wants you.”
“But you both want your baby. And I want you guys to have that. I just can’t be apart of that. I’m sorry, but I can’t.”
She feels her whole body sag and her arms drop to her sides as she rests against the doorframe. She really believes Quinn doesn’t have any ulterior motive when she says all of this. She trusts Quinn more than that and guilt wouldn’t have been a last ditch effort by the blonde. She would have tried it before, would have been one of her first attempts at swaying Rachel, and so Rachel knows that Quinn is genuinely giving up everything for them. She’s willing to be alone so that Rachel can have her family and so Noah won’t be forced to choose. She’s giving them the easiest out she can think of. Rachel’s not sure she’s felt so loved and so devastated at the same time before. Quinn picks up her bag again and Rachel’s stomach churns and she closes her eyes. “I’ll do it,” she whispers. She can hear her heart beating in her ears and she can’t believe she actually said that and clearly Quinn can’t either because her bag hits the ground again.
“Excuse me?”
She opens her eyes and Quinn has taken a cautious step towards her. “I’ll do it.”
“I’m sorry,” she says quietly after a long moment and Rachel walks up to her, throwing her arms around the taller girl’s neck, head resting against the blonde. “I don’t want this… I really just think it’s what’s best. I don’t want to do this to you.”
“You’re not doing anything to me. I’ve made my own decision.” Quinn clutches on to her and ducks her head down, lips skimming Rachel’s ear. “Noah’s going to be upset but we love each other right?” Quinn nods violently against her and then peppers Rachel with kisses, pulling back so she can see all of Rachel’s face.
“I love you. I’m sorry.” Each word punctuated with a kiss and Rachel starts crying harder, a lump forming in her throat as she feels bile start to rise in her throat.