I've been tired for days and days...

[only_a_kid]

    I've reached my breaking point.

She's dead and I can't stand it. It pisses me off and I won't ever get over it. She was dying right there in front of me and I didn't do a damn thing about it.

I just wanted to know....I just wanted to know.
She could've told me. I would've been better.
I wouldn't have these feelings, I wouldn't be so afraid.
I'm sick of the nightmares that tell me I've been pretending all along.
I hate falling asleep to dreams of people telling me that she never died.
I'm sick of waking up to the pain.
I thought I was better, I thought I changed.

I spilled my guts, guts that weren't mine to spill in the first place.
The whole time you were yelling at me my hands got colder, my heart beat faster, and all I could think about was the blade.
I won't break two promises, please believe me.
I'm not like that anymore, I'm not.

Please tell me what I'm supposed to do.
My only reason for leaving is to find my past.
I want to go back.
I'm still searching, I never stopped.
I'm not okay.

God, this feeling is so old but so damn familiar.
It's the only thing that's ever really wrong.
My mistake was only the trigger that set the bullet off.
This will always be the bullet, I've known it all along.

I miss her and I don't want to.
What am I saying?
I just don't want to look in the mirror anymore and feel so empty.

The other night when I wrote to you, I hoped to God you read it.
I hoped that somehow you could save me one last time.
That you could tell me it's all a lie.
I need it to all be a lie, please....please....

This is me before I come undone,
This is me before I fall apart.