What am I Doing?
No really, what am I doing? Misty (who I guarantee you, loyal readers, don't know unless you're Misty) makes a valid point. Am I wasting my money on these plane tickets to Maryland? I'm in London, after all. To make this trip is to spend a considerable chunk of my budget, skip classes, and lose time which could be spent on either homework or exploring... and for what? It's not anywhere new, it's not Europe, it's not Ireland - it's Maryland. It's somewhere I'm only an hour away from (or less) for half of the school year.
Granted, there are clearly reasons for going: Stan. Friends. Vacation. But am I really making the right choice? Does it MEAN anything for me to go to Maryland? Am I making ANY progress in my relationship? Is my spending money and traveling great distances going to improve my standing in the eyes of the people I value (especially those I value most?) Years from now, whatever comes my way, am I going to look back on this trip as a "I'm SO glad I did that!" or a "What was I thinking?!" moment? I feel like the odds favor the latter. At least, that is traditionally how these things go in life, isn't it?
I guess this is yet another one of those things I can only answer for myself. The tickets are booked, my plans are confirmed (I think). So now it's just a matter of waiting and seeing if it ends in regret. I certainly hope not. But I have a lot of fears for the future right now. And clearly a LOT of questions. I just hate waiting and seeing. It's far too passive. I'd rather know right here and right now whether or not I'm making the right choice, or whether this IS indeed something I'm wasting my time on, and which really isn't that important in the greater scope of my life. And most of all I want to know that it matters to someone who will appreciate the gesture...
Just repeat after self: I will NOT worry. I will NOT question the weepier emotions - or any emotions for that matter. I will STOP fretting about things which I cannot change for myself. I will TRUST people and myself more, or at least try to. And I should, and will try my hardest, to stop thinking that this is a waste of time - and focus more on making the most of it for what it's worth. Whatever it's worth.
Finally, what am I doing writing in LJ when I should be sleeping?! I lose and hour in an hour!
Granted, there are clearly reasons for going: Stan. Friends. Vacation. But am I really making the right choice? Does it MEAN anything for me to go to Maryland? Am I making ANY progress in my relationship? Is my spending money and traveling great distances going to improve my standing in the eyes of the people I value (especially those I value most?) Years from now, whatever comes my way, am I going to look back on this trip as a "I'm SO glad I did that!" or a "What was I thinking?!" moment? I feel like the odds favor the latter. At least, that is traditionally how these things go in life, isn't it?
I guess this is yet another one of those things I can only answer for myself. The tickets are booked, my plans are confirmed (I think). So now it's just a matter of waiting and seeing if it ends in regret. I certainly hope not. But I have a lot of fears for the future right now. And clearly a LOT of questions. I just hate waiting and seeing. It's far too passive. I'd rather know right here and right now whether or not I'm making the right choice, or whether this IS indeed something I'm wasting my time on, and which really isn't that important in the greater scope of my life. And most of all I want to know that it matters to someone who will appreciate the gesture...
Just repeat after self: I will NOT worry. I will NOT question the weepier emotions - or any emotions for that matter. I will STOP fretting about things which I cannot change for myself. I will TRUST people and myself more, or at least try to. And I should, and will try my hardest, to stop thinking that this is a waste of time - and focus more on making the most of it for what it's worth. Whatever it's worth.
Finally, what am I doing writing in LJ when I should be sleeping?! I lose and hour in an hour!