[FOR PINKJULIETTE] FILL THIS VOID IN ME
RECIPIENT: pinkjuliette
TITLE: Fill this void in me
RATING: PG-13
LENGTH: 6323
WARNINGS: character death
SUMMARY:
For the first time in his life Luhan is alone in his mind, no shared thoughts or feelings linging just beneath his own. Just an empty void where the warmth of his pack mate's shared consciousness had once been, where the his mate and pups had once been.
FINAL NOTES:
My first foray into fic exchanges that has finally come together despite a number of hurdles including but not limited to my computer dying, moving overseas, and the screen of my tablet breaking, as well as the usual work and real life problems. Despite it all I have succeed, writing a large chunk of the latter half of this fic on my phone, so please forgive the typos because touch screens hate me.
For pinkjuliette, I hope you enjoy this fic and that it lived up to even a fraction of what you were expecting.
The fire spits and crackles as the handful of branches that Jongdae fed it before he turned in for the night - hand covering his mouth as he yawned and shuffled into the den - crumble into a pile of hot coals. The flames are slowly dying, but no one that is still awake cares to feed them again. It is too late, or early rather. Only hours from dawn. It would be pointless to gather up another armful of wood when there was only a couple hours of dark left and those around the fire were barely awake.
From his place by the fire - back to the mouth of the den - Luhan counts the minutes until his watch comes to an end, while he keeps an eye on the last of the pack`s night owls, who are finally beginning to show signs of needing sleep.
Just off to his right, Sehun - a juvenile alpha less than a few months from maturity - yawns long and wide. His lips pull back to reveal his canines, while his tongue curls up briefly. His gape is impressive. The long, trim cut of his jaw and muzzle giving him one of the largest bites in the pack.
As the yawn comes to an end, Sehun stretches out his legs and tries to ward off sleep with a violent shakes of his head that ultimately travels down his body, shaking loose twigs and leaves from his sandy-yellow coat. It`s a useless effort of course. The young wolf`s head droops as his eyes come dangerously close to closing.
Stretching out his leg, Luhan nudges the young alpha with his shoe. As Sehun looks back at him , Luhan cocks his head and gestures over his shoulder at the den.
Time to call it a night, don't you think? He suggests through the pack's shared consciousness, keeping his voice down so as not to disturb the rest of his brothers.
Sehun gives a noncommittal shrug in response, but Luhan isn't planning on taking no for an answer.
Go on. He prompts with another nudge of his shoe for emphasis. Get going.
But what about Tao? The young alpha whines, like some pup that`s barely grown out of their milk teeth. Luhan sighs to himself. If he was an alpha he could just order the young wolf to bed. Rather than relying whatever respect he has earned as the pack alpha`s mate - a position which of course gives him rank and authority equal to that of the pack`s senior beta, Yifan, but it is a hollow authority that is susceptible to the moods of hormonal juvenile alphas.
Even though he out ranks them, as an omega he will never really have authority or power over Sehun or Zitao - the only other juvenile alpha in the pack - if they decide to be stubborn. Until recently it hadn't been much of a problem, but with their coming of age only months away the pair have been testing their boundaries.
They have recently come to the realisation that despite being older than them, and thus senior to the young alphas, the pack`s secondary omegas, and even most of the betas, can be swayed by their words. Of course they are still young and it takes some work, but they've found that with enough persistence, even the strong-willed Yifan will succumb to their whims.
As of yet they have not tried it on Luhan, most likely out of fear of what Xiumin will do if he finds out. So for now atleast they still hold some respect for Luhan`s authority.
Just go. Luhan orders, knowing that his words have no power, but wishing they did. Tao won`t be too far behind you.
Too tired to be stubborn and fight it out, Sehun begrudgingly climbs to his feet and makes his way to the den - the tip of his tail dragging behind him - while Luhan turns his attention to problem number two.
Across the fire, Zitao has stretched himself out over the lap of Yifan, who - despite his best efforts earlier in the evening to resist the whims of the young wolf has succumb to the juvenile alphas childish whimpering and begging - cards his hand through the younger wolf`s thick, black coat, plucking out twigs and debris while Zitao recounts the highlights of his latest victory over Sehun through the pack`s shared consciousness.
Yifan is the only pack member Zitao throws himself all over when he sheds his skin. If asked he always claims that it is because the rest of the pack members are too small when they are in their skin and that he is afraid of crushing them under his bulk. Luhan doesn't believe that reasoning for a second. For one, Chanyeol is not that much shorter than Yifan, nor is he all that much smaller in build. For another, as much as Tao likes to think he is a big wolf he is not the biggest. Both Yifan and Kyungsoo - the youngest of the mature omegas - are larger and heavier.
The fact that neither of them are alphas stings both Tao and Sehun. Not that either of them would ever admit to it. Instead they choose to discount Kyungsoo, on account of him being omega. Something which bothers Luhan to no end, but doesn't seem to upset Kyungsoo in any way.
...says I cheated, but I didn`t, don`t need to. He`s just slow. Zitao laughs, while Yifan gives a low hum in response, looking up from the young wolf laying across his lap to meet Luhan`s eye. With a knowing nod he stops running his hand through Zitao`s fur and taps him on the back, urging him to stand.
With a whine, Zitao climbs off Yifan`s lap, shaking himself indignantly as though the beta has done some great wrong by him, by making him move.
Luhan watches Yifan give the childish display a reproving look and...
Zitao falls quite and Luhan tenses, his eyes searching the darkness as the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end and his skin tingles. His slightly dulled senses tell him that something is out there in the dark, watching them. Yifan glances back over his shoulder as a low rumble grows in Zitao`s throat. The young alpha's hackles rise as Yifan sheds his skin. A large dapple-white wolf emerges from the folds of Yifan`s discarded clothes at Zitao's. Bigger and broader than the juvenile, Yifan takes a wide stance as his own growl grows like rolling thunder as he raises the alarm with a call.
Rogue pack. Echoes through Luhan's mind as his brothers stir. Their feelings of unease, fear and confusion compounding his on as their alarmed voices fill his head.
At the stirge of the darkness Zitao and Yifan attempt to wan the strangers off, snarling and snapping. Behind them Luhan crouches down as his skin grows hot. He itches to tear it off because in his human skin he is vulnerable. His senses are dull, almost useless and in the presence of a threat his instincts have him scratch and clawing at his shirt, but just as he gets his claws under his skin Xiumin rushes out of the den little more than a heartbeat later - barely out of his skin. clothes falling away from his coarse burnt-orange coat. Joonmyun - a rusty-brown Iberian - and Chanyeol - a boisterous, tarnished-red Steppe - hot on his tail as they bound over the dying fire to join Yifan and Zitao.
In seconds Xiumin is at the head of the group, dying firelight playing over the marbled greys of his silver and black coat.
Luhan!Xiumin calls. The weight of his voice deliberately pushing down on Luhan's urge to shift, giving him a moment of clarity. Go back to the den.
Even with the heavy warmth of Xiumin's consciousness growing in the back of his mind, pushing against his will, Luhan feels torn. The instinct to stand by his mate warring with his instinct to protect his young.
Luhan! Xiumin pushes harder, more urgent against Luhan's will, when he senses him hesitating. His tone barely a breath from outright compelling his mate to obey. Go!
Spurred on by one last push from his mate and alpha, Luhan falls back, turning on his heels and sprinting the few meters to the mouth of the den. As he enters he spares a glance over his shoulder just in time to see Xiumin leading the charge into the trees. His smokey coat melting into the dark as his brothers follow him, howling and snapping. As he watches the rest of his brothers slip from sight the darkness erupts suddenly in a flurry of barks and growls. Luhan feels the bottom fall out of his stomach a cold dread filling his veins. But he tells himself everything will be alright, even though he doesn't believe himself.
Inside the den Luhan finds beta, Baekhyun, and Sehun out of their skins - charged with protecting the pack's omegas and young. The older of the pair, pacing anxiously, hackles raised. A hint of resentment at being left behind colouring the adrenaline and unease that radiates from him. Behind him Sehun sits on his haunches, watching the older wolf pace, uncertain and terrified, all of his young bravodo stripped from him.
A few meters away, in the far corner of the den, where Luhan and Xiumin usually sleep, Jongdae cradles the pups in his arms. All five of them whimpering and howling anxiously. By his side Kyungsoo attempts to calm a nervous Jongin - the pack`s only juvenile omega, Sehun and Zitao's baby brother. Luhan can sense that the young wolf is on the verge of tears, overwhelmed by everything he must be feeling from his brothers and terrified by the sounds he hears outside. Like Luhan and the rest of the pack's omega's he is more sensitive to the pack's shared consciousness and the feelings that pass through it.
The pups fret in Jongdae's arms violently, and Jongin whimpers pathetically into into the crook of Kyungsoo's neck. A sharp pain bursts in the back of Luhan's mind, knocking the wind from him, as a pained yelp rings out over the clamour of the fighting. Jongdae and Kyungsoo both meet Luhan's eye, sweat breaking out across their brows. Behind him, Luhan hears Baekhyun stop pacing and feels Sehun tense. They all felt it.
Seconds later another pain hits them, more intense than the last, sharp and burning like heated blade being driven into the base of their skulls. A flash of white light bursts behind Luhan's eyes like a supernova, skattering his thoughts and senses. The heat of it burns the edges of his consciousness as Luhan struggles to keep his feet. He can feel his strength weaver as the blinding light turns into pain. A pain that Luhan has felt only once before.
The pain of a brother dying.
Luhan gasps, the back of his eyes stinging as he drops to his knees, gathering his terrified pups into his arms. He buries his face in their fur as Baekhyun lets out a pained howl that tears at the gaping wound Luhan can in the pack's consciousness, where a brother had been only seconds ago. Now only a tattered and frayed void at the centered of a maelstrom of frantic emotions remains.
Outside a brief chorus of howls answers Baekhyun, each one pained and mournful, as they melt in to a flury of growls and barks, more angry than before. In his mind Luhan reaches out to the pack's consciousness as he clutches his pups to his chest, feeling the edges of the wound as waves of anger, loss, fear and a myriad of other dark and twisted feelings beat agains him. Faint memories of red fur and a stupid toothy grin linger on the edges of the void as the emptyness turns cold. The warmth of Chanyeol's consciousness no longer within reach.
As he quietly mourns the loss of Chanyeol - Baekhyun's howls echoing in his mind - Luhan feels Jongdae wrap himself around Luhan`s back, chin on his shoulder, in an effort to seek out comfort for himself from the older omega. Luhan can sense his anxiety in the frantic beat of his heart and the damp scent of fear that hangs over him beneath his deceptively calm demeener and presses their temples together in an effort to drown out the noise of fighting outside.
Jongdae exhales a shakey breath and squeezes Luhan little tighter. Luhan can hear the whimper that sticks in his throat. He can feel the cold terror radiating from his pups clutched to his chest. His hands tremble and his knuckles turn white. He feels like he is going to shake apart in Jongdae's arms, but he can't he has to keep it together. If he breaks they all break. He is the primary omega, the emotional centre of he pack. For the sake of all of them he has to keep it together.
Biting down on his tongue, Luhan inhales sharply forcing down the feelings building up in him and pushing back the shared consciousness until it is little more than a low hum in the back of his mind. He looks up and watches Sehun pace, whining pathetically, while Baekhyun stares down the mouth of the den. At his side Kyungsoo whispers gentle comforts in Jongin's ear as he strokes the young omega's hair.
Sehun, Baekhyun. Luhan calls to them gently, stretching a hand out to them in offer. He want to hold them, to feel the warmth of them and tell himself that he won't lose them. Baekhyun turns back to him and after a moment's pause egdes closer until he is in reach. Sehun weavers, watching Luhan carding his hand through the fur behind his brother's ear.
Luhan calls to him again, but the young alpha just watches him, shifting his weight uneasily as though fighting against something within himself. Jongin senses it first, the the dark dark vengeful thoughts that begin to grow in Sehun's chest. Jerking back from Kyungsoo suddenly, Jongin calls to brother, reaching for him. But Sehun doesn't answer. His eyes turn dark and he moves back a step.
Sehun, don't! Baekhyun warns, pulling away from Luhan. Sehun glances at Luhan, and Luhan can see his decision in his watery eyes.
Sehun shifts his footing. Baekhyun pounces, but misses by as hair as Sehun ducks under him and makes a break for tthe mouth of the den. There's a flurry limbs and fur as Jongin scrambles from Kyungsoo's arms - Sehun, noooooooooooooo!. Kyungsoo does what he can to keep a hold of the young wolf, but he slips free, kicking the older omega in the chest. He's barely out Kyungsoo's arms before Baekhyun tackles he, knocking him face first to the ground.
Stay! the beta snaps, paw planted between Jongin's shoulder blades. You want to get yourself kil... argh! Baekhyun doubles over as pained yelp rings out just outside the mouth of the den. Another barbed lance of pain shooting through all of them.
Luhan seizes, releasing his pulps as he clutches violently at he chest. It feels as though his heart is being pulled out through his ribs and as he doubles over struggling to breathe he can hear Jongdae calling to him in a small voice - Luhan?! Luhan! - as his pups paw at him in panic. He crumples, collapsing to the floor in a heap. Jongin's pained screams are the last things he remembers before he passes out.
A tight grip on his scruff and a violent shake rouse Luhan. The sharp, iron tang of blood stings his nose and his eyes water. There is a raw ache in the back of his mind where the warmth of his pack consciousness should be and he reals as through his ribs have been pried apart and the contents of his chest gouged out.
The hand on his neck grips him tighter pinching the bundle of nerves at the base of his skull. Luhan feels his body go lax as he's lifted by the scruff and dragged over the earthen floor of the den and out to the fire pit.
Outside the air is thick with on familiar scents mixed with blood, bile and old smoke. From the smell of the ash in the air the fire has long since died out, but the blood is fresh.
"Found the bitch." A voice above Luhan announces as he is dropped face first on to what's left of the fire pit. He chokes on old ash and characoal as the wolves he can scent around him laugh. A foot catches him in the side and rolls him over. Sunlight blinds him moment and he squints as a figure leans over him, crouching down to brush the hair from Luhan's face.
"Well ain't he pretty." The wolf muses as a heavy musk of sweat, blood and young alpha pheramones falls over Luhan. "No wonder those whelps of his were some damn cute" A few feet away Luhan can hear another wolf laugh as the one above him leans in closer. "Think he'll give me some good lookin' whelps too, if I breed him right?" the young alpha laughs as he toys with Luhan's hair, watching him squirm with a lerchrous smile. His foul breath playing over Luhan's skin, making it crawl.
Suddenly the young wolf freezes at a low, rumbling growl behind him. The scent of an older, stronger alpha catches Luhan's nose and he can feel himself cowering. The younger alpha withdraws, head lowered as the pack alpha draws closer. As he passes the young alpha he lashes out striking him across the face with his claw drawn. The force of the strike driving the young wolf to his knees.
"The bitch is mine." The pack alpha growls, reaching down and grabbing Luhan by the ankle, dragging him from the dead fire pit. His drawn claws bite into Luhan's skin as he is dragged to the edge of the clearing, away from the rest of the invading pack.
Satisfied that he has Luhan to himself the pack alpha releases him and drops down into a crouch over him. Luhan cowers back, but the pack alpha follows, watching him, scrutinising him with his keen eyes as he scents him.
"So you're that smokey bastard's bitch?" He asks drawing closer, hand landing on Luhan's thigh. He breath laced with the scent of blood. " Scratched me up good, he did" He gestures to cuts and gashes on his arms and chest. "before I tore out his throat." He inclines his head and indicates at the clearing over his shoulder.
Luhan suddenly feels faint. Over the pack alpha's shoulder he can see what at first seems to be a heap of fur blankets piled haphazardly by the mouth of the den, but he recognises the colouring of a smokey grey and black amoung the reds and browns and can make out the bloodied mangled bodies of his brothers. He whimpers, the dull ache in the back of his mind turning sharp and the pain in his chest twisting violently. His brothers. Dead. His pack slaughtered. Their corpses piled like garbage, one on top of the other. Tao, Yifan, Joonmyun, Chanyeol, Baekhyun and Sehun, piled together in a tangled bloody mess tooooooooooooooopped wwwitht eh corspe of their paaaaaaaaaaaaack alpha, Luhan's mate. A few feet away are the bodies of Jongdae, Kyungsoo and Jongin still in their skins, but their clothes torn from their bodies, exposing the bites and scratches that litter their skin. They never stood a chance. They didn't even have time to shed their skins and defend themselves.
Luhan can feel the back of his eyes burning and the bile turning in his gut as he notices the mauled features of Jongin's innocent face, deep cuts running the span of his neck, slicing open his jugular. "Why?" He grits between his teeth. His whole body trembling.
"Why not?" The alpha shrugs. "You've got a nice set up here and omegas, especially nice looking breeders like yourself, are hard to come by these days. So can you blame us for wanting a share of the action. No pack needs four omegas. That's just being selfish. It's not our fault your alpha didn't want to share. But looking at you I can see why he wouldn't want to." He slaps Luhan's thigh for emphasis. "and with thoses whelps of yours taken care of, you should be coming back into season real soon."
Luhan's heart stops and the world around him shrinks to a pin point at the center of the void in his consciousness. Staring into the dark abyss he feels something deep inside him break and something far darker than what had seen in Sehun's eyes wells up inside him. As the alpha rakes his eyes over him Luhan can feel it fester inside him, boiling and bubbling until it violently erupts and Luhan is bursting out of his skin with such force that it knocks the alpha back.
Luhan sees red and lunges at the alpha, sinking his teeth so deep into the flesh of the wolf's neck that he can feel his canines grate against bone. Blood fills his mouth fuelling his frenzy as he uses his considerable body weight to shake to alpha violently. In the background he can hear the alpha's packmates howling and clamouring. But they're too late to save their leader. With a violent thrash of his head Luhan rips out the wolf's throat.
Letting the dead weight fall from his jaws, Luhan stares down the angry pack of wolves as they circle him. The young alpha taking up the lead. Luhan has just killed their alpha, but they've just killed his family, his brothers, his mate and his children. An eye for an eye.
As they draw closer Luhan growls in warning, baring his bloody canines, as he backs up. The young alpha responds in kind, shedding his skin and pouncing. Running purely on instinct Luhan ducks and swerves, escaping into the forest. Behind him a chorus of howls fill the air as the wolves give chase. Bounding over fallen logs and weaving through the forest, Luhan runs with everything his has and no idea where he's heading.
Luhan wakes with a jerk, the phantom calls of his persurers still echo in his mind. The sudden movement sends a lance of sharp, burning pain shooting up his leg that at once dissipates the fog from his mind and prods the tangle of nausea writhing in his gut. He whines pathetically, curling in on himself as his chest tightens - leg on fire as he moves - and a small whimper falls from his lips.
A shiver racks his body as memories of bloody pelts and the smell of death well up from the gapping void in his consciousness where the warmth of his pack had once been. For the first time in his life, Luhan is alone in his own mind and the realisation terrifies him. No quiet whispers between Baekhyun and Chanyeol at the edge of his consciousness as they plan their next prank on Joonmyun. No rushes of unexpected excitement as Tao once again beats Sehun home for the upteenth time. No warm feelings of contentment and pure adoration radiating from Xiumin as he watches Luhan and the pups across the fire.
At the thought of his now dead mate and young, Luhan's chest suddenly tightens. He gasps, clutching at his chest as he screams. He screams himself breathless between heart broken sobs, tears streaming down his face. He buries his face into the deer pelt beneath him aannd.
Luhan freezes, choking on a sob, body tense and senses alert. The fur is soft beneath his fingers as he pushes himself up right, arms trembling as he bites down on the pain in hhhhis leg. It's dark - Luhan can barely see more than a few feet with his human eyes - and the air is damp and earthy. He's underground, in a den no doubt. The musk of wolf permeates everything around him, even the pelt beneath him. It's so strong that even in his skin Luhan can smell it: alpha.
Heart suddenly beating in a wild panic at the thought that his pursuers had finally caught up to him, Luhan tries to gather himself up. But there is a distinct sound of grating bone and a pain in his leg so intense that Luhan feels himself grow faint and his grip on consciousness waver for a moment.
His trembling arms give out he collapses in a heap of the deer pelt drenched in cold sweat. He can't get up. He can't escape. A lump forms in his throat and he struggles to breath. This is it. This is the end of the line for me. He thinks to himself. maybe if I'm lucky they'll just kill me.
A rustle of cloth and the shuffle of feet catches Luhan's ear. Driven by fear Luhan backs himself agaisnt the wall behind him, swallowing down a pained yelp when he tries to move his leg. Body trembling, Luhan prepares to defend himself, claws draw and canines bared. It's the most he can manage, since his doesn't have the energy or time to shed his skin. He may have resigned himself to death, but he refuses to dishonour the memory of his brothers by going down with out a fight.
A moment later a figure comes into view. A man of slight build and lithe frame, but he reeks of wolf. It's his scent that Luhan can smell all over the den.
Luhan growls in warning and the young man glances up from the thing in his hand surprised and unconsciously backs up half a step, as though he hadn't expected to find Luhan awake and ready to strike.
"You're awake, thank goodness." The wolf starts. A smile breaks out on his face and a small dimple presses into his cheek. He's the least threatening alpha Luhhhhhhhhan has even seen. For a moent he wonders if he's scented the other wolf wrong, but decides a wolf is that's not pack is a wolf that can't be trusted.
"I was worried that you wouldn't wake up. You were in one hell of a state when I found you at the bottom of the ravine. I seriously thought you were dead. Are you alright? I think your leg is broken. Any pain? Do you have a fever?"
The wolf blabbers aimlessly. Talking in an endless string ofconfusng statements and questions as he slips the back pack from his shoulders. He glances over Luhan as he steps forward, reaching for Luhan's leg but Luhan recoils, growling. But the wolf either doesn't notice or doesn't care and reaches out again. This time raising his hand to Luhan's head. Luhan jerks back and snaps at the wolf's fingers. The wolf draws his hand back with a sharp hiss and pauses for a second to inspect the his bleeding fingers. Luhan tastes blood of the tip ofhis tongue.
The wolf's smile drops for a second, just a little. The corners of it trembling as though the wolf is struggling to keep it in place.
Luhan watches him return to his bag and begin pulling out handfuls of pungent smelling herbs and weeds. "This should help with your leg, and this..."
"What do want want with me?" Luhan barks suddenly, cutting off the wolf's train of thought.
The wolf glances up at Luhan curled defensively against the wall. " Nothing." His smile faulters again briefly. "I just wanted to help." He gestures at Luhan's leg. "You're in pretty bad shape. I just thought I could help."
There's a genuine sense of sympathy and a desire to help in the alpha's voice that catches Luhan off guard. It's almost as though Luhan's presence has given meaning an purpose to the young wolf's life with the way he looks at Luhan. He doesn't know how to respond It, so he simply nods in understanding and maybe a small degree of consent. But he isn't sur. He still doesn't trust the alpha.
But the nod is enough for the alpha, who gathers up his herbs and begins shuffling round the den, grabbing a morar and pestal, bandages and a bowl of water. With a cautious glance up at Luhan he begins grinding the herbs, mixing them into the water and then setting about bathing Luhan's wounds.
"Names Yixing." He explains as he takes Luhan's hand in his own and begins bathing his torn nail beds, gently dabbing the torn skin where his claws had ripped through. Its stings and Yixing apologises when Luhan flinches. "I'm sorry about before, you know. It's just when you've spent your whole life alone it's kind of hard to stop talking once you start. Not that I'm lonely of anything. Just, you know, tend to forget to stop. Don't get much chance to talk to people. Not a lot people, or wolves for that matter, come out this far. So you can imagine how surprised I was to find you. Seriously, my heart nearly flew out of my chest. Well mainly because I thought you were dead and then you moved. Swear I jumped higher than a jack rabbit."
Satisfied with his work on Luhan's hand, Yixing reaches for the other one. He takes a moement to study the mess, a pained look crossing his eyes as he turns Luhan's hand over. His palms are torn to shreds and coated in dried blood. Two of his claws are chipped and another is split right down to the root. "How long were you running?" Yixing muses, more to himself than Luhan. The tone of his voice not expecting an answer. With a soft sigh Yixing continues dabbing his cloth, dipped in herbal water, at Luhan's wound. Musing and talking endlessly as he worked. Luhan just listening.
By the time Yixing is satisfied that he has cleaned all of Luhan's wounds, he's on his fourth bowl of herbal water, the cloth is stained a deep shade of pink and Luhan is bandaged from head to toe. His chest is wrapped tight - Yixing suspects he has some bruised ribs - and his leg is splinted within an inch of its life.
He watches from what he now knows is Yixing's bed as his rescuer packs away what remains of the herbs he'd collected, stowing them away in a handful of small jars stacked in the far corner of the den. Apparently his mother - a pregnant she wolf who'd been exiled from her pack - had taught her only surviving pup, Yixing, about herbal medicines that could be found in the forest and how to use them. She'd taught him a lot of things, accordiiing to Yixing, everything he knew, in fact. And when she died, not long after Yixing reached maturity, he'd been left to fend for himself.
Listening to Yixing describe life alone, Luhan envies to alpha. He's never known pack life. He's never experienced shared consciousness or the gapping whole it can leave when it's ripped from you. He doesn't know the pain Luhan feels in his twisting in his chest. He doesn't feel empty and hollow. He doesn't feel the aching lonliness that throbs in the back of his mind, cold like ice against his back. Luhan envies Yixing.
In Yixing's care, Luhan listens while Yixing talks. He talks endlessly about everything, even mundane things as he tends to Luhan's wounds. Sometimes he asks questions that Luhan never answers. He doesn't want to think about the things he's lost. He just wants Yixing to keep talking. The alpha's mindless chatter is like a balm on the raged edges of the void in his mind. It keeps the daunting silence away and distracts Luhan from the darker thoughts that begin to fester in the darkness of the void.
Whenever Yixing leaves him to hunt, Luhan finds himself withdrawing into to his mind, poking at the empty space at the back of his mind. Sometimes he sits there for hours on endstaring into it imagining he can still feel his brothers. Somewhere just out of reach he can feel them and he finds himself shuffling closer and closer to the edge, extending his hand out into the darkness, hoping to grab a hold of something.
Yixing notices how withdrawn Luhan becomes when left alone. He deliberately shortens his hunting trips, opting for small game like fowl and rabbits to feed them. He stops asking question, instead choosing to watch Luhan as though the answers to his question are written on Luhan's faces. It makes Luhan uneasy and he becomes paranoid that Yixing can see something in him that he doesn't want seen.
A week after and a half after Yixing found him, Luhan is able to put a little pressure on his leg and with the help of a croutch that Yixing made for him he can leave the dark of the den for the fresh air of the forest. The first time he steps outside he cries.
For someone who has spent most of his life surround be his pack and once prided himself on how well he could read his brothers, Luhan proves to be very bad at reading Yixing. He's not blind. He notices the way Yixing's eyes follow him; the way he unconsciously angles himself towards Luhan for no reason when Luhan speaks. He notice the way Yixing's touch sometimes lingers longer than necesary when he tends to Luhan's wounds. Luhan isn't blind, but without a window into into Yixing's feeling, like he had with his brothers Luhan finds that he can't make sense of any of it.
It doesn't dawn on Luhan until Yixing spells it out for him one night as they sit outside Yixing's den side by side, watching the fire burn out.
"What's it like?" Yixing asks leaning against Luhan's side, rsst his head on Luhan's shoulder in a way that has become habit. "Shared consciousness."
"How did you...?"
"I could smell them on you when I found you, your pack. What's it like?"
"Like..." Luhan closes his eyes and swallows down the lump in his throat. How could he describe it to someone who had never experienced it. "Like your mind is always runnning a milion miles an hour with thoughts and feeling that aren't all yours. Like never having anything to yourself, no secrets no fears." Luhan remembers Xiumin and his pups. "It's never being alone and always feeling loved and when you lose it.... It feels like a better part of you has been carved out of you with a dull blade. You just feel hollow, staring at this gapping void inside..."
Luhan feels a hand cup his cheek and he opens his eyes to see Yixing watching him intently. "Would you ever want that feeling back again? Not now, but someday?" Confused at what Yixing is asking him, Luhan tries to read it Yixing's eyes as the alpha continues. "I'm not much of a pack but... it's a start."
As Luhan watch the play of firelight in Yixing's he suddenly realises what the alpha is asking him. "I ... I don't think I..." He stammers, suddenly tense.
"No, I'm not asking for that... well I am but... not right now. Right now I just wonder if you could consider me a brother, pack, you know. All either of us has is each other..." Yixing starts babbling, talking himself in endless circles while Luhan come to terms with what he's asking. Does Luhan ant to have a pack again? He thinks of the void inside him. The cold, dark place that used to glow with warmth at the back of his mind. A shared pack consciousness with Yixing wouldn't fill the void, but it would certainly take the edge off, and Luhan can't deny that even a little warmth is more welcome than none.
"Yes." He murmurs so quiet Yixing doesn't hear him.
"... and you wouldn't have to carry all that pain alone. I could carry some of it for you, shared the load."
"Yixing, I said 'yes'" He repeats and Yixing stops.
"Wha... seriously?" The widest grin Luhan has seen breakouts out over Yixing's face and he swoops in the kiss Luhan, but stops short and pulls back sheepishly. "Right, brothers. For now."
Luhan nods. "For now."
"I promise you won't regret this." Yixing smiles giddily, patting Luhan's cheek. And as he listened to Yixing excitedly babble about finally being part of a pack, Luhan doubts he is going to regret this.
TITLE: Fill this void in me
RATING: PG-13
LENGTH: 6323
WARNINGS: character death
SUMMARY:
For the first time in his life Luhan is alone in his mind, no shared thoughts or feelings linging just beneath his own. Just an empty void where the warmth of his pack mate's shared consciousness had once been, where the his mate and pups had once been.
FINAL NOTES:
My first foray into fic exchanges that has finally come together despite a number of hurdles including but not limited to my computer dying, moving overseas, and the screen of my tablet breaking, as well as the usual work and real life problems. Despite it all I have succeed, writing a large chunk of the latter half of this fic on my phone, so please forgive the typos because touch screens hate me.
For pinkjuliette, I hope you enjoy this fic and that it lived up to even a fraction of what you were expecting.
The fire spits and crackles as the handful of branches that Jongdae fed it before he turned in for the night - hand covering his mouth as he yawned and shuffled into the den - crumble into a pile of hot coals. The flames are slowly dying, but no one that is still awake cares to feed them again. It is too late, or early rather. Only hours from dawn. It would be pointless to gather up another armful of wood when there was only a couple hours of dark left and those around the fire were barely awake.
From his place by the fire - back to the mouth of the den - Luhan counts the minutes until his watch comes to an end, while he keeps an eye on the last of the pack`s night owls, who are finally beginning to show signs of needing sleep.
Just off to his right, Sehun - a juvenile alpha less than a few months from maturity - yawns long and wide. His lips pull back to reveal his canines, while his tongue curls up briefly. His gape is impressive. The long, trim cut of his jaw and muzzle giving him one of the largest bites in the pack.
As the yawn comes to an end, Sehun stretches out his legs and tries to ward off sleep with a violent shakes of his head that ultimately travels down his body, shaking loose twigs and leaves from his sandy-yellow coat. It`s a useless effort of course. The young wolf`s head droops as his eyes come dangerously close to closing.
Stretching out his leg, Luhan nudges the young alpha with his shoe. As Sehun looks back at him , Luhan cocks his head and gestures over his shoulder at the den.
Time to call it a night, don't you think? He suggests through the pack's shared consciousness, keeping his voice down so as not to disturb the rest of his brothers.
Sehun gives a noncommittal shrug in response, but Luhan isn't planning on taking no for an answer.
Go on. He prompts with another nudge of his shoe for emphasis. Get going.
But what about Tao? The young alpha whines, like some pup that`s barely grown out of their milk teeth. Luhan sighs to himself. If he was an alpha he could just order the young wolf to bed. Rather than relying whatever respect he has earned as the pack alpha`s mate - a position which of course gives him rank and authority equal to that of the pack`s senior beta, Yifan, but it is a hollow authority that is susceptible to the moods of hormonal juvenile alphas.
Even though he out ranks them, as an omega he will never really have authority or power over Sehun or Zitao - the only other juvenile alpha in the pack - if they decide to be stubborn. Until recently it hadn't been much of a problem, but with their coming of age only months away the pair have been testing their boundaries.
They have recently come to the realisation that despite being older than them, and thus senior to the young alphas, the pack`s secondary omegas, and even most of the betas, can be swayed by their words. Of course they are still young and it takes some work, but they've found that with enough persistence, even the strong-willed Yifan will succumb to their whims.
As of yet they have not tried it on Luhan, most likely out of fear of what Xiumin will do if he finds out. So for now atleast they still hold some respect for Luhan`s authority.
Just go. Luhan orders, knowing that his words have no power, but wishing they did. Tao won`t be too far behind you.
Too tired to be stubborn and fight it out, Sehun begrudgingly climbs to his feet and makes his way to the den - the tip of his tail dragging behind him - while Luhan turns his attention to problem number two.
Across the fire, Zitao has stretched himself out over the lap of Yifan, who - despite his best efforts earlier in the evening to resist the whims of the young wolf has succumb to the juvenile alphas childish whimpering and begging - cards his hand through the younger wolf`s thick, black coat, plucking out twigs and debris while Zitao recounts the highlights of his latest victory over Sehun through the pack`s shared consciousness.
Yifan is the only pack member Zitao throws himself all over when he sheds his skin. If asked he always claims that it is because the rest of the pack members are too small when they are in their skin and that he is afraid of crushing them under his bulk. Luhan doesn't believe that reasoning for a second. For one, Chanyeol is not that much shorter than Yifan, nor is he all that much smaller in build. For another, as much as Tao likes to think he is a big wolf he is not the biggest. Both Yifan and Kyungsoo - the youngest of the mature omegas - are larger and heavier.
The fact that neither of them are alphas stings both Tao and Sehun. Not that either of them would ever admit to it. Instead they choose to discount Kyungsoo, on account of him being omega. Something which bothers Luhan to no end, but doesn't seem to upset Kyungsoo in any way.
...says I cheated, but I didn`t, don`t need to. He`s just slow. Zitao laughs, while Yifan gives a low hum in response, looking up from the young wolf laying across his lap to meet Luhan`s eye. With a knowing nod he stops running his hand through Zitao`s fur and taps him on the back, urging him to stand.
With a whine, Zitao climbs off Yifan`s lap, shaking himself indignantly as though the beta has done some great wrong by him, by making him move.
Luhan watches Yifan give the childish display a reproving look and...
Zitao falls quite and Luhan tenses, his eyes searching the darkness as the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end and his skin tingles. His slightly dulled senses tell him that something is out there in the dark, watching them. Yifan glances back over his shoulder as a low rumble grows in Zitao`s throat. The young alpha's hackles rise as Yifan sheds his skin. A large dapple-white wolf emerges from the folds of Yifan`s discarded clothes at Zitao's. Bigger and broader than the juvenile, Yifan takes a wide stance as his own growl grows like rolling thunder as he raises the alarm with a call.
Rogue pack. Echoes through Luhan's mind as his brothers stir. Their feelings of unease, fear and confusion compounding his on as their alarmed voices fill his head.
At the stirge of the darkness Zitao and Yifan attempt to wan the strangers off, snarling and snapping. Behind them Luhan crouches down as his skin grows hot. He itches to tear it off because in his human skin he is vulnerable. His senses are dull, almost useless and in the presence of a threat his instincts have him scratch and clawing at his shirt, but just as he gets his claws under his skin Xiumin rushes out of the den little more than a heartbeat later - barely out of his skin. clothes falling away from his coarse burnt-orange coat. Joonmyun - a rusty-brown Iberian - and Chanyeol - a boisterous, tarnished-red Steppe - hot on his tail as they bound over the dying fire to join Yifan and Zitao.
In seconds Xiumin is at the head of the group, dying firelight playing over the marbled greys of his silver and black coat.
Luhan!Xiumin calls. The weight of his voice deliberately pushing down on Luhan's urge to shift, giving him a moment of clarity. Go back to the den.
Even with the heavy warmth of Xiumin's consciousness growing in the back of his mind, pushing against his will, Luhan feels torn. The instinct to stand by his mate warring with his instinct to protect his young.
Luhan! Xiumin pushes harder, more urgent against Luhan's will, when he senses him hesitating. His tone barely a breath from outright compelling his mate to obey. Go!
Spurred on by one last push from his mate and alpha, Luhan falls back, turning on his heels and sprinting the few meters to the mouth of the den. As he enters he spares a glance over his shoulder just in time to see Xiumin leading the charge into the trees. His smokey coat melting into the dark as his brothers follow him, howling and snapping. As he watches the rest of his brothers slip from sight the darkness erupts suddenly in a flurry of barks and growls. Luhan feels the bottom fall out of his stomach a cold dread filling his veins. But he tells himself everything will be alright, even though he doesn't believe himself.
Inside the den Luhan finds beta, Baekhyun, and Sehun out of their skins - charged with protecting the pack's omegas and young. The older of the pair, pacing anxiously, hackles raised. A hint of resentment at being left behind colouring the adrenaline and unease that radiates from him. Behind him Sehun sits on his haunches, watching the older wolf pace, uncertain and terrified, all of his young bravodo stripped from him.
A few meters away, in the far corner of the den, where Luhan and Xiumin usually sleep, Jongdae cradles the pups in his arms. All five of them whimpering and howling anxiously. By his side Kyungsoo attempts to calm a nervous Jongin - the pack`s only juvenile omega, Sehun and Zitao's baby brother. Luhan can sense that the young wolf is on the verge of tears, overwhelmed by everything he must be feeling from his brothers and terrified by the sounds he hears outside. Like Luhan and the rest of the pack's omega's he is more sensitive to the pack's shared consciousness and the feelings that pass through it.
The pups fret in Jongdae's arms violently, and Jongin whimpers pathetically into into the crook of Kyungsoo's neck. A sharp pain bursts in the back of Luhan's mind, knocking the wind from him, as a pained yelp rings out over the clamour of the fighting. Jongdae and Kyungsoo both meet Luhan's eye, sweat breaking out across their brows. Behind him, Luhan hears Baekhyun stop pacing and feels Sehun tense. They all felt it.
Seconds later another pain hits them, more intense than the last, sharp and burning like heated blade being driven into the base of their skulls. A flash of white light bursts behind Luhan's eyes like a supernova, skattering his thoughts and senses. The heat of it burns the edges of his consciousness as Luhan struggles to keep his feet. He can feel his strength weaver as the blinding light turns into pain. A pain that Luhan has felt only once before.
The pain of a brother dying.
Luhan gasps, the back of his eyes stinging as he drops to his knees, gathering his terrified pups into his arms. He buries his face in their fur as Baekhyun lets out a pained howl that tears at the gaping wound Luhan can in the pack's consciousness, where a brother had been only seconds ago. Now only a tattered and frayed void at the centered of a maelstrom of frantic emotions remains.
Outside a brief chorus of howls answers Baekhyun, each one pained and mournful, as they melt in to a flury of growls and barks, more angry than before. In his mind Luhan reaches out to the pack's consciousness as he clutches his pups to his chest, feeling the edges of the wound as waves of anger, loss, fear and a myriad of other dark and twisted feelings beat agains him. Faint memories of red fur and a stupid toothy grin linger on the edges of the void as the emptyness turns cold. The warmth of Chanyeol's consciousness no longer within reach.
As he quietly mourns the loss of Chanyeol - Baekhyun's howls echoing in his mind - Luhan feels Jongdae wrap himself around Luhan`s back, chin on his shoulder, in an effort to seek out comfort for himself from the older omega. Luhan can sense his anxiety in the frantic beat of his heart and the damp scent of fear that hangs over him beneath his deceptively calm demeener and presses their temples together in an effort to drown out the noise of fighting outside.
Jongdae exhales a shakey breath and squeezes Luhan little tighter. Luhan can hear the whimper that sticks in his throat. He can feel the cold terror radiating from his pups clutched to his chest. His hands tremble and his knuckles turn white. He feels like he is going to shake apart in Jongdae's arms, but he can't he has to keep it together. If he breaks they all break. He is the primary omega, the emotional centre of he pack. For the sake of all of them he has to keep it together.
Biting down on his tongue, Luhan inhales sharply forcing down the feelings building up in him and pushing back the shared consciousness until it is little more than a low hum in the back of his mind. He looks up and watches Sehun pace, whining pathetically, while Baekhyun stares down the mouth of the den. At his side Kyungsoo whispers gentle comforts in Jongin's ear as he strokes the young omega's hair.
Sehun, Baekhyun. Luhan calls to them gently, stretching a hand out to them in offer. He want to hold them, to feel the warmth of them and tell himself that he won't lose them. Baekhyun turns back to him and after a moment's pause egdes closer until he is in reach. Sehun weavers, watching Luhan carding his hand through the fur behind his brother's ear.
Luhan calls to him again, but the young alpha just watches him, shifting his weight uneasily as though fighting against something within himself. Jongin senses it first, the the dark dark vengeful thoughts that begin to grow in Sehun's chest. Jerking back from Kyungsoo suddenly, Jongin calls to brother, reaching for him. But Sehun doesn't answer. His eyes turn dark and he moves back a step.
Sehun, don't! Baekhyun warns, pulling away from Luhan. Sehun glances at Luhan, and Luhan can see his decision in his watery eyes.
Sehun shifts his footing. Baekhyun pounces, but misses by as hair as Sehun ducks under him and makes a break for tthe mouth of the den. There's a flurry limbs and fur as Jongin scrambles from Kyungsoo's arms - Sehun, noooooooooooooo!. Kyungsoo does what he can to keep a hold of the young wolf, but he slips free, kicking the older omega in the chest. He's barely out Kyungsoo's arms before Baekhyun tackles he, knocking him face first to the ground.
Stay! the beta snaps, paw planted between Jongin's shoulder blades. You want to get yourself kil... argh! Baekhyun doubles over as pained yelp rings out just outside the mouth of the den. Another barbed lance of pain shooting through all of them.
Luhan seizes, releasing his pulps as he clutches violently at he chest. It feels as though his heart is being pulled out through his ribs and as he doubles over struggling to breathe he can hear Jongdae calling to him in a small voice - Luhan?! Luhan! - as his pups paw at him in panic. He crumples, collapsing to the floor in a heap. Jongin's pained screams are the last things he remembers before he passes out.
A tight grip on his scruff and a violent shake rouse Luhan. The sharp, iron tang of blood stings his nose and his eyes water. There is a raw ache in the back of his mind where the warmth of his pack consciousness should be and he reals as through his ribs have been pried apart and the contents of his chest gouged out.
The hand on his neck grips him tighter pinching the bundle of nerves at the base of his skull. Luhan feels his body go lax as he's lifted by the scruff and dragged over the earthen floor of the den and out to the fire pit.
Outside the air is thick with on familiar scents mixed with blood, bile and old smoke. From the smell of the ash in the air the fire has long since died out, but the blood is fresh.
"Found the bitch." A voice above Luhan announces as he is dropped face first on to what's left of the fire pit. He chokes on old ash and characoal as the wolves he can scent around him laugh. A foot catches him in the side and rolls him over. Sunlight blinds him moment and he squints as a figure leans over him, crouching down to brush the hair from Luhan's face.
"Well ain't he pretty." The wolf muses as a heavy musk of sweat, blood and young alpha pheramones falls over Luhan. "No wonder those whelps of his were some damn cute" A few feet away Luhan can hear another wolf laugh as the one above him leans in closer. "Think he'll give me some good lookin' whelps too, if I breed him right?" the young alpha laughs as he toys with Luhan's hair, watching him squirm with a lerchrous smile. His foul breath playing over Luhan's skin, making it crawl.
Suddenly the young wolf freezes at a low, rumbling growl behind him. The scent of an older, stronger alpha catches Luhan's nose and he can feel himself cowering. The younger alpha withdraws, head lowered as the pack alpha draws closer. As he passes the young alpha he lashes out striking him across the face with his claw drawn. The force of the strike driving the young wolf to his knees.
"The bitch is mine." The pack alpha growls, reaching down and grabbing Luhan by the ankle, dragging him from the dead fire pit. His drawn claws bite into Luhan's skin as he is dragged to the edge of the clearing, away from the rest of the invading pack.
Satisfied that he has Luhan to himself the pack alpha releases him and drops down into a crouch over him. Luhan cowers back, but the pack alpha follows, watching him, scrutinising him with his keen eyes as he scents him.
"So you're that smokey bastard's bitch?" He asks drawing closer, hand landing on Luhan's thigh. He breath laced with the scent of blood. " Scratched me up good, he did" He gestures to cuts and gashes on his arms and chest. "before I tore out his throat." He inclines his head and indicates at the clearing over his shoulder.
Luhan suddenly feels faint. Over the pack alpha's shoulder he can see what at first seems to be a heap of fur blankets piled haphazardly by the mouth of the den, but he recognises the colouring of a smokey grey and black amoung the reds and browns and can make out the bloodied mangled bodies of his brothers. He whimpers, the dull ache in the back of his mind turning sharp and the pain in his chest twisting violently. His brothers. Dead. His pack slaughtered. Their corpses piled like garbage, one on top of the other. Tao, Yifan, Joonmyun, Chanyeol, Baekhyun and Sehun, piled together in a tangled bloody mess tooooooooooooooopped wwwitht eh corspe of their paaaaaaaaaaaaack alpha, Luhan's mate. A few feet away are the bodies of Jongdae, Kyungsoo and Jongin still in their skins, but their clothes torn from their bodies, exposing the bites and scratches that litter their skin. They never stood a chance. They didn't even have time to shed their skins and defend themselves.
Luhan can feel the back of his eyes burning and the bile turning in his gut as he notices the mauled features of Jongin's innocent face, deep cuts running the span of his neck, slicing open his jugular. "Why?" He grits between his teeth. His whole body trembling.
"Why not?" The alpha shrugs. "You've got a nice set up here and omegas, especially nice looking breeders like yourself, are hard to come by these days. So can you blame us for wanting a share of the action. No pack needs four omegas. That's just being selfish. It's not our fault your alpha didn't want to share. But looking at you I can see why he wouldn't want to." He slaps Luhan's thigh for emphasis. "and with thoses whelps of yours taken care of, you should be coming back into season real soon."
Luhan's heart stops and the world around him shrinks to a pin point at the center of the void in his consciousness. Staring into the dark abyss he feels something deep inside him break and something far darker than what had seen in Sehun's eyes wells up inside him. As the alpha rakes his eyes over him Luhan can feel it fester inside him, boiling and bubbling until it violently erupts and Luhan is bursting out of his skin with such force that it knocks the alpha back.
Luhan sees red and lunges at the alpha, sinking his teeth so deep into the flesh of the wolf's neck that he can feel his canines grate against bone. Blood fills his mouth fuelling his frenzy as he uses his considerable body weight to shake to alpha violently. In the background he can hear the alpha's packmates howling and clamouring. But they're too late to save their leader. With a violent thrash of his head Luhan rips out the wolf's throat.
Letting the dead weight fall from his jaws, Luhan stares down the angry pack of wolves as they circle him. The young alpha taking up the lead. Luhan has just killed their alpha, but they've just killed his family, his brothers, his mate and his children. An eye for an eye.
As they draw closer Luhan growls in warning, baring his bloody canines, as he backs up. The young alpha responds in kind, shedding his skin and pouncing. Running purely on instinct Luhan ducks and swerves, escaping into the forest. Behind him a chorus of howls fill the air as the wolves give chase. Bounding over fallen logs and weaving through the forest, Luhan runs with everything his has and no idea where he's heading.
Luhan wakes with a jerk, the phantom calls of his persurers still echo in his mind. The sudden movement sends a lance of sharp, burning pain shooting up his leg that at once dissipates the fog from his mind and prods the tangle of nausea writhing in his gut. He whines pathetically, curling in on himself as his chest tightens - leg on fire as he moves - and a small whimper falls from his lips.
A shiver racks his body as memories of bloody pelts and the smell of death well up from the gapping void in his consciousness where the warmth of his pack had once been. For the first time in his life, Luhan is alone in his own mind and the realisation terrifies him. No quiet whispers between Baekhyun and Chanyeol at the edge of his consciousness as they plan their next prank on Joonmyun. No rushes of unexpected excitement as Tao once again beats Sehun home for the upteenth time. No warm feelings of contentment and pure adoration radiating from Xiumin as he watches Luhan and the pups across the fire.
At the thought of his now dead mate and young, Luhan's chest suddenly tightens. He gasps, clutching at his chest as he screams. He screams himself breathless between heart broken sobs, tears streaming down his face. He buries his face into the deer pelt beneath him aannd.
Luhan freezes, choking on a sob, body tense and senses alert. The fur is soft beneath his fingers as he pushes himself up right, arms trembling as he bites down on the pain in hhhhis leg. It's dark - Luhan can barely see more than a few feet with his human eyes - and the air is damp and earthy. He's underground, in a den no doubt. The musk of wolf permeates everything around him, even the pelt beneath him. It's so strong that even in his skin Luhan can smell it: alpha.
Heart suddenly beating in a wild panic at the thought that his pursuers had finally caught up to him, Luhan tries to gather himself up. But there is a distinct sound of grating bone and a pain in his leg so intense that Luhan feels himself grow faint and his grip on consciousness waver for a moment.
His trembling arms give out he collapses in a heap of the deer pelt drenched in cold sweat. He can't get up. He can't escape. A lump forms in his throat and he struggles to breath. This is it. This is the end of the line for me. He thinks to himself. maybe if I'm lucky they'll just kill me.
A rustle of cloth and the shuffle of feet catches Luhan's ear. Driven by fear Luhan backs himself agaisnt the wall behind him, swallowing down a pained yelp when he tries to move his leg. Body trembling, Luhan prepares to defend himself, claws draw and canines bared. It's the most he can manage, since his doesn't have the energy or time to shed his skin. He may have resigned himself to death, but he refuses to dishonour the memory of his brothers by going down with out a fight.
A moment later a figure comes into view. A man of slight build and lithe frame, but he reeks of wolf. It's his scent that Luhan can smell all over the den.
Luhan growls in warning and the young man glances up from the thing in his hand surprised and unconsciously backs up half a step, as though he hadn't expected to find Luhan awake and ready to strike.
"You're awake, thank goodness." The wolf starts. A smile breaks out on his face and a small dimple presses into his cheek. He's the least threatening alpha Luhhhhhhhhan has even seen. For a moent he wonders if he's scented the other wolf wrong, but decides a wolf is that's not pack is a wolf that can't be trusted.
"I was worried that you wouldn't wake up. You were in one hell of a state when I found you at the bottom of the ravine. I seriously thought you were dead. Are you alright? I think your leg is broken. Any pain? Do you have a fever?"
The wolf blabbers aimlessly. Talking in an endless string ofconfusng statements and questions as he slips the back pack from his shoulders. He glances over Luhan as he steps forward, reaching for Luhan's leg but Luhan recoils, growling. But the wolf either doesn't notice or doesn't care and reaches out again. This time raising his hand to Luhan's head. Luhan jerks back and snaps at the wolf's fingers. The wolf draws his hand back with a sharp hiss and pauses for a second to inspect the his bleeding fingers. Luhan tastes blood of the tip ofhis tongue.
The wolf's smile drops for a second, just a little. The corners of it trembling as though the wolf is struggling to keep it in place.
Luhan watches him return to his bag and begin pulling out handfuls of pungent smelling herbs and weeds. "This should help with your leg, and this..."
"What do want want with me?" Luhan barks suddenly, cutting off the wolf's train of thought.
The wolf glances up at Luhan curled defensively against the wall. " Nothing." His smile faulters again briefly. "I just wanted to help." He gestures at Luhan's leg. "You're in pretty bad shape. I just thought I could help."
There's a genuine sense of sympathy and a desire to help in the alpha's voice that catches Luhan off guard. It's almost as though Luhan's presence has given meaning an purpose to the young wolf's life with the way he looks at Luhan. He doesn't know how to respond It, so he simply nods in understanding and maybe a small degree of consent. But he isn't sur. He still doesn't trust the alpha.
But the nod is enough for the alpha, who gathers up his herbs and begins shuffling round the den, grabbing a morar and pestal, bandages and a bowl of water. With a cautious glance up at Luhan he begins grinding the herbs, mixing them into the water and then setting about bathing Luhan's wounds.
"Names Yixing." He explains as he takes Luhan's hand in his own and begins bathing his torn nail beds, gently dabbing the torn skin where his claws had ripped through. Its stings and Yixing apologises when Luhan flinches. "I'm sorry about before, you know. It's just when you've spent your whole life alone it's kind of hard to stop talking once you start. Not that I'm lonely of anything. Just, you know, tend to forget to stop. Don't get much chance to talk to people. Not a lot people, or wolves for that matter, come out this far. So you can imagine how surprised I was to find you. Seriously, my heart nearly flew out of my chest. Well mainly because I thought you were dead and then you moved. Swear I jumped higher than a jack rabbit."
Satisfied with his work on Luhan's hand, Yixing reaches for the other one. He takes a moement to study the mess, a pained look crossing his eyes as he turns Luhan's hand over. His palms are torn to shreds and coated in dried blood. Two of his claws are chipped and another is split right down to the root. "How long were you running?" Yixing muses, more to himself than Luhan. The tone of his voice not expecting an answer. With a soft sigh Yixing continues dabbing his cloth, dipped in herbal water, at Luhan's wound. Musing and talking endlessly as he worked. Luhan just listening.
By the time Yixing is satisfied that he has cleaned all of Luhan's wounds, he's on his fourth bowl of herbal water, the cloth is stained a deep shade of pink and Luhan is bandaged from head to toe. His chest is wrapped tight - Yixing suspects he has some bruised ribs - and his leg is splinted within an inch of its life.
He watches from what he now knows is Yixing's bed as his rescuer packs away what remains of the herbs he'd collected, stowing them away in a handful of small jars stacked in the far corner of the den. Apparently his mother - a pregnant she wolf who'd been exiled from her pack - had taught her only surviving pup, Yixing, about herbal medicines that could be found in the forest and how to use them. She'd taught him a lot of things, accordiiing to Yixing, everything he knew, in fact. And when she died, not long after Yixing reached maturity, he'd been left to fend for himself.
Listening to Yixing describe life alone, Luhan envies to alpha. He's never known pack life. He's never experienced shared consciousness or the gapping whole it can leave when it's ripped from you. He doesn't know the pain Luhan feels in his twisting in his chest. He doesn't feel empty and hollow. He doesn't feel the aching lonliness that throbs in the back of his mind, cold like ice against his back. Luhan envies Yixing.
In Yixing's care, Luhan listens while Yixing talks. He talks endlessly about everything, even mundane things as he tends to Luhan's wounds. Sometimes he asks questions that Luhan never answers. He doesn't want to think about the things he's lost. He just wants Yixing to keep talking. The alpha's mindless chatter is like a balm on the raged edges of the void in his mind. It keeps the daunting silence away and distracts Luhan from the darker thoughts that begin to fester in the darkness of the void.
Whenever Yixing leaves him to hunt, Luhan finds himself withdrawing into to his mind, poking at the empty space at the back of his mind. Sometimes he sits there for hours on endstaring into it imagining he can still feel his brothers. Somewhere just out of reach he can feel them and he finds himself shuffling closer and closer to the edge, extending his hand out into the darkness, hoping to grab a hold of something.
Yixing notices how withdrawn Luhan becomes when left alone. He deliberately shortens his hunting trips, opting for small game like fowl and rabbits to feed them. He stops asking question, instead choosing to watch Luhan as though the answers to his question are written on Luhan's faces. It makes Luhan uneasy and he becomes paranoid that Yixing can see something in him that he doesn't want seen.
A week after and a half after Yixing found him, Luhan is able to put a little pressure on his leg and with the help of a croutch that Yixing made for him he can leave the dark of the den for the fresh air of the forest. The first time he steps outside he cries.
For someone who has spent most of his life surround be his pack and once prided himself on how well he could read his brothers, Luhan proves to be very bad at reading Yixing. He's not blind. He notices the way Yixing's eyes follow him; the way he unconsciously angles himself towards Luhan for no reason when Luhan speaks. He notice the way Yixing's touch sometimes lingers longer than necesary when he tends to Luhan's wounds. Luhan isn't blind, but without a window into into Yixing's feeling, like he had with his brothers Luhan finds that he can't make sense of any of it.
It doesn't dawn on Luhan until Yixing spells it out for him one night as they sit outside Yixing's den side by side, watching the fire burn out.
"What's it like?" Yixing asks leaning against Luhan's side, rsst his head on Luhan's shoulder in a way that has become habit. "Shared consciousness."
"How did you...?"
"I could smell them on you when I found you, your pack. What's it like?"
"Like..." Luhan closes his eyes and swallows down the lump in his throat. How could he describe it to someone who had never experienced it. "Like your mind is always runnning a milion miles an hour with thoughts and feeling that aren't all yours. Like never having anything to yourself, no secrets no fears." Luhan remembers Xiumin and his pups. "It's never being alone and always feeling loved and when you lose it.... It feels like a better part of you has been carved out of you with a dull blade. You just feel hollow, staring at this gapping void inside..."
Luhan feels a hand cup his cheek and he opens his eyes to see Yixing watching him intently. "Would you ever want that feeling back again? Not now, but someday?" Confused at what Yixing is asking him, Luhan tries to read it Yixing's eyes as the alpha continues. "I'm not much of a pack but... it's a start."
As Luhan watch the play of firelight in Yixing's he suddenly realises what the alpha is asking him. "I ... I don't think I..." He stammers, suddenly tense.
"No, I'm not asking for that... well I am but... not right now. Right now I just wonder if you could consider me a brother, pack, you know. All either of us has is each other..." Yixing starts babbling, talking himself in endless circles while Luhan come to terms with what he's asking. Does Luhan ant to have a pack again? He thinks of the void inside him. The cold, dark place that used to glow with warmth at the back of his mind. A shared pack consciousness with Yixing wouldn't fill the void, but it would certainly take the edge off, and Luhan can't deny that even a little warmth is more welcome than none.
"Yes." He murmurs so quiet Yixing doesn't hear him.
"... and you wouldn't have to carry all that pain alone. I could carry some of it for you, shared the load."
"Yixing, I said 'yes'" He repeats and Yixing stops.
"Wha... seriously?" The widest grin Luhan has seen breakouts out over Yixing's face and he swoops in the kiss Luhan, but stops short and pulls back sheepishly. "Right, brothers. For now."
Luhan nods. "For now."
"I promise you won't regret this." Yixing smiles giddily, patting Luhan's cheek. And as he listened to Yixing excitedly babble about finally being part of a pack, Luhan doubts he is going to regret this.