yeah...so...
I have a job. (One that hasn't destroyed me yet. And the two employees that have been a thorn on my side? Not really thorny right now. (subject to change, of course). A small thank you to Tico.)
An internship.
Enough money now to survive New York City for a year if I felt the vibe. (keyword: NYC. It takes a hella ton of money to do that. And if I have enough money for that, I have enough for anywhere...except Moscow. Or Tokyo)
Some cleaning equipment.
Some audio equipment on the way.
Plane Tickets to Spring Break, with a Music Pass to SXSW in the wings. (That, business-wise, I sincerely hope makes up for my no-show at AES NY)
No major crises beyond grad school. And Chance. But Chance is not really an issue right now. Besides, I just want an apology, and he'll get his money back faster than he can cite all of his achievements at Emerson.
So what's my beef?
Relationships.
Why does this happen when I'm fine? Why can't it happen when I'm stressed so it would just fall to the wayside?
Then again, 90% of the time when I'm fine, it doesn't bother me. So what now?
Big and small things.
Big, as in my best friend here in college finally got himself a girl. Which is fucking awesome. (Come on, Chuck, there's hope for you yet! ;) (same goes to you, Elis-emo, before I pop a cap in yo ass)) Considering it's been forever and a day since his last relationship, and he had been reeling from the big letdown back in August. That, and my "hermana" (one of two friends I have a sort-of sibling like friendship to up here when Iggy's not around) is being all emo around this other guy (so typical, so amusing). Soooo...yeah. Gets you all thinking about the fact that you are once again the last holdout in your group. Or, in my case, my "family."
Small, as in my ex showing her new pix from a model shoot. Makes you think, "why didn't I bang this chick?" And then you remember the answer: "Because you were an idiot at the time for being around her to begin with. And you still got a big fucking issue to contend with."
No, not the Rachel archetype.
...I cannot say what is wrong with me, because I am not in the capacity to do so. I know what it is, but I could be wrong in what it actually is. I've been fighting it for years, not knowing what it possibly could be until recently. Unfortunately, UnitedHealthcare does not allow for the screenings this concerns.
But what it has to do with relationships is...well, really relevant. Consider this:
I went on a date with this girl earlier in the year. She was pretty hot, too. I had dinner with her, and I kept feeling...bored. Not bored with her, per se, but rather with the whole situation. I kept thinking, "Why am I doing this? What's the point of this?" Felt like I had something better to do than be here with this hot girl. Or rather, I wanted to be with this hot girl, but doing this seemed unnecessary I didn't make the connection until recently, but it was very similar to this girl who I've been on-and-off pursuing since late sophomore year at college (currently: on). I was in class with her one semester. Every time I was talking to her...I was running out of things to say quick. Sometimes, when I wanted to say something, I had nothing to say. It wasn't even like I wasn't attracted to her. Honestly, I sat next to her every chance I got. But...I felt like I knew what I wanted, but it didn't feel natural the way I'm supposed to get it.
Maybe I got it all wrong. Maybe Savage Love could help me on this one. Ah well.
That's all I got to say. Felt like putting it out. Heh.
Don't expect another update for a while, as usual
An internship.
Enough money now to survive New York City for a year if I felt the vibe. (keyword: NYC. It takes a hella ton of money to do that. And if I have enough money for that, I have enough for anywhere...except Moscow. Or Tokyo)
Some cleaning equipment.
Some audio equipment on the way.
Plane Tickets to Spring Break, with a Music Pass to SXSW in the wings. (That, business-wise, I sincerely hope makes up for my no-show at AES NY)
No major crises beyond grad school. And Chance. But Chance is not really an issue right now. Besides, I just want an apology, and he'll get his money back faster than he can cite all of his achievements at Emerson.
So what's my beef?
Relationships.
Why does this happen when I'm fine? Why can't it happen when I'm stressed so it would just fall to the wayside?
Then again, 90% of the time when I'm fine, it doesn't bother me. So what now?
Big and small things.
Big, as in my best friend here in college finally got himself a girl. Which is fucking awesome. (Come on, Chuck, there's hope for you yet! ;) (same goes to you, Elis-emo, before I pop a cap in yo ass)) Considering it's been forever and a day since his last relationship, and he had been reeling from the big letdown back in August. That, and my "hermana" (one of two friends I have a sort-of sibling like friendship to up here when Iggy's not around) is being all emo around this other guy (so typical, so amusing). Soooo...yeah. Gets you all thinking about the fact that you are once again the last holdout in your group. Or, in my case, my "family."
Small, as in my ex showing her new pix from a model shoot. Makes you think, "why didn't I bang this chick?" And then you remember the answer: "Because you were an idiot at the time for being around her to begin with. And you still got a big fucking issue to contend with."
No, not the Rachel archetype.
...I cannot say what is wrong with me, because I am not in the capacity to do so. I know what it is, but I could be wrong in what it actually is. I've been fighting it for years, not knowing what it possibly could be until recently. Unfortunately, UnitedHealthcare does not allow for the screenings this concerns.
But what it has to do with relationships is...well, really relevant. Consider this:
I went on a date with this girl earlier in the year. She was pretty hot, too. I had dinner with her, and I kept feeling...bored. Not bored with her, per se, but rather with the whole situation. I kept thinking, "Why am I doing this? What's the point of this?" Felt like I had something better to do than be here with this hot girl. Or rather, I wanted to be with this hot girl, but doing this seemed unnecessary I didn't make the connection until recently, but it was very similar to this girl who I've been on-and-off pursuing since late sophomore year at college (currently: on). I was in class with her one semester. Every time I was talking to her...I was running out of things to say quick. Sometimes, when I wanted to say something, I had nothing to say. It wasn't even like I wasn't attracted to her. Honestly, I sat next to her every chance I got. But...I felt like I knew what I wanted, but it didn't feel natural the way I'm supposed to get it.
Maybe I got it all wrong. Maybe Savage Love could help me on this one. Ah well.
That's all I got to say. Felt like putting it out. Heh.
Don't expect another update for a while, as usual