life.....that crazy whirly gig of adventure.
right now. i am going to be honest. if you dont wanna know that you can stop reading.
there i gave everyone a exit.
there is something wrong with me. i have been hiding it because well...what i am about to say could considered attention whoring. right now in my life i have no direction. i just a few days ago have decided to givemyself direction. but not beofre the point where i got suicidal. i spent several hours thursday debating. i didnt want to talk to anyone about it because well... i knew what everyone would say and i knew that it wouldnt be enough.
i have lived my life for other people so long that i dont have anything i want. i have always had someone else there to validate me. now i dont and its hard. i have found its hard for to do. it makes me losing my will. i am fighting. i am trying. i want not to be this way. i dont want to be someone who has to be in a relationship.
i am very eager to please. i just want everyone happy, i will turn myself inside out to achieve this. i will and have scarificed everything to make people happy. i really cant think of what i want. i cant push everyone else out of my mind long enough to hear it.
i just want everyone to be happy. thats all.
my happiness is my own concern.
i feel horrible for verbalizing this. because i hate to worry people. i hate it.
but because of my recent i have to be honest streak i am finding i cant keep it hidden. there has been several times recently where i have wanted to just let go of the wheel of my car, just to see what would happen. not really caring if i survived. at least if i died now everyone would think of me fondly.
i have debated joining the military. i have debated a lot of things. so many things, my head is full of things.
my plan for myself right now is to live this summer. full throttle. then to go back to school. get my degree at school and then transfer to a vet school in either washington or chicago.
i hope this is enough. i really really hate being this apathetic about myself.
sigh.
no worries. i will keep chugging along. i am a good little girl. despite what anyone thinks.
ps. i want the shiny.
there i gave everyone a exit.
there is something wrong with me. i have been hiding it because well...what i am about to say could considered attention whoring. right now in my life i have no direction. i just a few days ago have decided to givemyself direction. but not beofre the point where i got suicidal. i spent several hours thursday debating. i didnt want to talk to anyone about it because well... i knew what everyone would say and i knew that it wouldnt be enough.
i have lived my life for other people so long that i dont have anything i want. i have always had someone else there to validate me. now i dont and its hard. i have found its hard for to do. it makes me losing my will. i am fighting. i am trying. i want not to be this way. i dont want to be someone who has to be in a relationship.
i am very eager to please. i just want everyone happy, i will turn myself inside out to achieve this. i will and have scarificed everything to make people happy. i really cant think of what i want. i cant push everyone else out of my mind long enough to hear it.
i just want everyone to be happy. thats all.
my happiness is my own concern.
i feel horrible for verbalizing this. because i hate to worry people. i hate it.
but because of my recent i have to be honest streak i am finding i cant keep it hidden. there has been several times recently where i have wanted to just let go of the wheel of my car, just to see what would happen. not really caring if i survived. at least if i died now everyone would think of me fondly.
i have debated joining the military. i have debated a lot of things. so many things, my head is full of things.
my plan for myself right now is to live this summer. full throttle. then to go back to school. get my degree at school and then transfer to a vet school in either washington or chicago.
i hope this is enough. i really really hate being this apathetic about myself.
sigh.
no worries. i will keep chugging along. i am a good little girl. despite what anyone thinks.
ps. i want the shiny.