Tabitha's story
Ok, this is from a LONG time ago, and i was VERY young. I remember a lot, but there are fuzzy parts. This part is kinda important, and will probably be one of the longest entries. So, sit back, grab a snack, and hopefully i can keep you rivited. Please understand though, that this wont be a fun tale, and as of yet, there isent a happy ending.
THE EPIPHANY
I dont know the exact date. I was too young to know what a calender was. But the year was 1971, and it was the holidays. Christmas and New Years, i think, putting me at about 26 months old.
"My name is Michael. To my parents, i seem to be a normal bouncing baby boy. Er rather todler by this point. But, to my brother, and cousins, something dident seem quite right about me. Something dident seem quite right about me,to me, either. But i dident understand even the feeling of not being quite right, i just wasent... Right...
My brother, and cousins picked up on this. They dident understand either, but that dident matter, they shunned me anyways, at this point, by physical force.
I think we were at a relatives house. The house was bright and lavish by my standards at the time. Thick white carpet, dark wood bookshelves, expensive furniture. With lots of things that chidren were not allowed to touch, and no toys of any kind. My brother and cousins played together. I dont know what or how they played. I only knew that i wasent welcome among them, that was made VERY clear.
I wandered around for a while, looking but not daring to touch anything lest i might break something. I was bored, and even at 26 months old i understood what it was to be an outcast. It was lonely, and it hurt.
The adults were downstairs in the basement. They had set up a bar next to the bottom of the stairs and they stood and sat around it drinking and chatting and having a good time. I wandered downstairs, things were less breakable down there, and maybe i could find something to do.
The bar area was well lit by a single lightbulb in the ceiling, the rest of the basement, not so much. To the right was a short hallway that led to a couple of unknown rooms, and a small bathroom. The main part of the basement was pretty open, extending fotward, then to the left, like a backwards inverted letter "L". Straight ahead was kinda lit by that bulb above the bar. The part to the left was "dark and full of terrors" (insert shameless Game Of Thrones reference)... The block walls were once painted a bright white, though they were now dingy from neglect. It was a basement after all, a place of the forgotten. The floor was tile, black with flecks of red, white, and green. Now a days it reminds me of the color and specks that a lane owned bowling ball might have. The basement had a very slight musty smell to match the dingy walls.
In the far right corner, there were a bunch of brown paper grocery bags, maybe 20 of them, all containing various things.
The parents, so far, had ignored my presence, as per typical 1970's attitudes towards children. And so i cautiously started looking into the various bags. I was hoping to find toys or somehing i could play with. I looked to the parents, ignored...
I was ignored...
Shoes, dinnerware, clothes, basically yardsale stuffs was what i found.
I was ignored...
Finally there was the last bag, and it contained...toys, JACKPOT!
I was ignored...
I started pulling out the toys, one by one. I seperated them, boys toys to the right, and girls toys to the left. A Tonka truck, 2 hot wheels cars, a babydoll, fake food and drink to playfeed the "baby" with. The rest of the bag contained a few lego's, some Lincoln Logs, some erector set pieces, paper doll clothes, and Barbie clothes. I began to put the toys that i wasent going to play with, back in the bag. The "girl" pile went back in the bag first. Dont know why, but i have always prettymuch hated paper dolls, so no biggie there, and Barbie clothes dont do you any good with out Barbies to put them on, not that it matters, you know, girl toy anyways, and of course the babydoll and its accessories, girly toys. Automatically back in the bag they all went.
But...
The babydoll... I looked up. Against the wall about 6 feet away, was a wooden highchair. It looked maybe a tiny bit big for the doll, but could still be a part of the babydolls accessories. I could feel a "pull" from the doll. A "pull", how do you explain that? Its not like i could physically hear the babydoll saying " pick me, play with me". But there was... Something...
I was ignored...
I pulled the babydoll back out of the bag.
I was ignored...
I set the babydoll back to the left.
I was ignored...
I actually liked Lincoln Logs, and have always loved Lego's. I never really got into Erector sets. All of these dident have enough pieces to really do anything with, and its not like they were "mix-n-match with each other. So, back into the bag they went. That left the 2 hotwheels cars, the Tonka truck, and the Babydoll.
I felt the pull of the doll...
I was ignored...
Although i would end up owning about a dozen hotwheels cars at various points in my life, they were never a favorite toy. I never liked the racecar styles like other boys. I wanted the firetrucks, police cars, ambulances. The taxi cabs, and plain jane cars. I even had a "Le Car", if anyone remembers those. My favorite was Daisey Dukes white jeep. These 2 hotwheels cars were a typical dragster, and "funnycar", just not my style or holding my interest. Back in the bag they went. Down to the Tonka truck, and Babydoll. Easy choice now, right? Process of elimination. All the boy toys had been sorted through leaving Mr. Tonka, and girly toys dont count. I picked up Babydoll to put her back in the bag... Pause... I could feel the pull of the doll... I was ignored... Truck, doll, ignored... Why was this getting hard? I am a boy, boys play with trucks, girls play with dolls... I felt the pull of the doll... I was ignored...
Truck,doll, i dont understand... The truck is what i am supposed to play with. The truck is a cold lump of steel...
I can feel the pull of the doll...
I am ignored...
I am a boy, boys play with trucks. I dont want the truck... I want to play with the babydoll.. WHAT!?! I am ignored... Boys want trucks, girls want dolls. Why? Whats wrong with me?
Wait... Whats wrong with me? Whats wrong with me? There IS something wrong with me. I could feel it, my brother and cousins could feel it. I could feel the pull of the doll... I was ignored...
Truck, doll, truck, doll, truck, doll, can they see my dilemma? I am ignored... Do they see my indecisiom? I am ignored... Do they KNOW that i want the doll? I am ignored....
"i am ignored" is simply me looking up at the adults to see if they are keeping an eye on me, watching me, seeing what i am doing. I was being quiet. I wasent warrenting attention. I agonized over the decision between that stupid Tonka truck and that babydoll for what seemed like about 45 minutes. In reality, it was probably only about 5. But time seems to pass differently for children. At least our perception of it anyways. It was an agonizing 45 minutes to me.
I was ignored... I had been ignored this whole time. Maybe, if i stay quiet, play quiet, they will keep ignoring me? Its a dangerous gamble. Boys are boys and girls are girls. Set in stone. No deviation from this solid binary. Repercussions will be swift and angry, likely violent.
I felt the wash of adrenalin as my decision was made. Trembling in fear, i rummaged through the bag, terrified that the crinkle of the paper would call attention down on my horrific girly sins. I pulled out the various accessories for the doll. There was a plastic orange, a plastic banana, a tiny plate, bowl, silverware. There were tiny boxes of food, Cheerio's, and vegetables, and of course, a baby bottle.
I was ignored...
I finally, and with hands shaking in fear, put the Tonka truck back in the bag.
I was ignored...
I walked over to the highchair. It was wooden, it was heavy for me, but i could drag it across the floor in short tugs of effort. After each tug, i was ignored... I finally got the highchair over to the bag of toys. I was ignored. Babydoll, i was ignored, Babydoll, i was ignored, Babydoll, i was ignored... The agony... The pull of the doll... I was inored... Ok, fine, they havent paid me any mind this whole time, maybe i am safe? Maybe i can get away with it? I look at the adults.
I am ignored...
I cant properly convey the sheer torture it was in choosing between a doll and a truck. The choice SHOULD have been a cut and dry no contest thing. Simple... Boys are boys, and boys play with trucks. Boys dont EVER play with dolls, Boys dont ever WANT to play with dolls. But, decision made, it was time to play.
I placed the babydoll in the highchair. No easy feat as i had to figure out the mechanisms of the tray attached to the highchair. Remember, boys dont know how these things work. Babydoll in the chair, tray properly installed, dishes and food on the tray. One last look, i am ignored... Time to play. What am i playing? Mommy...
Its my baby and its feeding time, and i am Mommy. I talk to my baby, i feed my baby, i care for my baby, i love my baby. Time stops for the world around me. Its just me and my baby, and i am lost in the realm of motherhood, and it feels... Right... The puzzle pieces that had been scattered about, fall into place, and the picture is me. But its not the me its supposed to be. The picture isent of a boy. The picture is me, but i am a girl. I care for my baby, i talk to my baby, i love my baby, i am Mommy, and i feel right. Gone is the anxiety, the fear, the indecisiveness, gone is the feeling that i am not right. Its just a little girl playing with her babydoll. The tumblers aligne and the lock opens. How do you explain it? I am 26 months old, how is it even an issue to me? But i am not thinking of this on a concious level, its just mommy and her baby. On another level though, i AM thinking about it. Consequences... I am not a boy despite the dangly bits. Its an amazing joy to finally KNOW why i dident feel "right". And at the same time, sheer terror. What do i do about it? I certainly cant tell anyone, i would be punished, severely, boys are boys, girls are girls, there is no in between, there is no variation, there is no deviation, and an anomoly will be met with swift and merciless Devine justice. I am only 26 months old. How do i even comprehend ANY of this?
Because it happened, it happened to me, and i dont have a choice. Sex and gender are not the same thing. The words are not synonamous or interchangable. They are two seperate things entirely. Sex and gender normally line up all nice and pretty though. When it does, there is no conflict, no internal turmoil. When sex and gender dont line up nice and pretty, you KNOW, and there is horrible conflict. You might not understand, but you do "know"... And now "I" knew... What a horrible thing for a 26 month old to know. No 26 month old child should ever have an epiphany, especially one of this magnetude.
But all of that rumbled around in my subconcious, because i was Mommy, and i had to feed and care for my baby... And then there was a bright flash, i looked up, and another bright flash. TERROR! THARN (watership down reference that applies)! All of the adults were staring at me. The flashes had been polaroid cameras taking my picture. I was so afraid. I was caught playing Mommy with a doll. What would happen now, what terrible punishment was in store for me?
In this case, none. I guess i was young enough that everyone thought it was just cute, innocent play. But what was cute to them, was a horrible epiphany for me. And now i "knew", i knew i wasent a boy...
Does it seem oversimplified? My 26 month old epiphany? Like maybe i was to young to understand? Or maybe i jumped to a conclusion to quickly? That maybe i shouldent even comprehend a feeling of gender at that age? It was early... The typical age range for realization is between 3.5 and 8 years old. The average age is 6. So far, i was the youngest i have ever heard of, and i have met hundreds, maybe even a thousand by now. But, once you figure it out, your age means nothing except a piece of your childhood is over, a piece of your innocence is destroyed. You never see the world the same way, and you live in constant terror that someone will figure out that you know you are really a girl.
THE EPIPHANY
I dont know the exact date. I was too young to know what a calender was. But the year was 1971, and it was the holidays. Christmas and New Years, i think, putting me at about 26 months old.
"My name is Michael. To my parents, i seem to be a normal bouncing baby boy. Er rather todler by this point. But, to my brother, and cousins, something dident seem quite right about me. Something dident seem quite right about me,to me, either. But i dident understand even the feeling of not being quite right, i just wasent... Right...
My brother, and cousins picked up on this. They dident understand either, but that dident matter, they shunned me anyways, at this point, by physical force.
I think we were at a relatives house. The house was bright and lavish by my standards at the time. Thick white carpet, dark wood bookshelves, expensive furniture. With lots of things that chidren were not allowed to touch, and no toys of any kind. My brother and cousins played together. I dont know what or how they played. I only knew that i wasent welcome among them, that was made VERY clear.
I wandered around for a while, looking but not daring to touch anything lest i might break something. I was bored, and even at 26 months old i understood what it was to be an outcast. It was lonely, and it hurt.
The adults were downstairs in the basement. They had set up a bar next to the bottom of the stairs and they stood and sat around it drinking and chatting and having a good time. I wandered downstairs, things were less breakable down there, and maybe i could find something to do.
The bar area was well lit by a single lightbulb in the ceiling, the rest of the basement, not so much. To the right was a short hallway that led to a couple of unknown rooms, and a small bathroom. The main part of the basement was pretty open, extending fotward, then to the left, like a backwards inverted letter "L". Straight ahead was kinda lit by that bulb above the bar. The part to the left was "dark and full of terrors" (insert shameless Game Of Thrones reference)... The block walls were once painted a bright white, though they were now dingy from neglect. It was a basement after all, a place of the forgotten. The floor was tile, black with flecks of red, white, and green. Now a days it reminds me of the color and specks that a lane owned bowling ball might have. The basement had a very slight musty smell to match the dingy walls.
In the far right corner, there were a bunch of brown paper grocery bags, maybe 20 of them, all containing various things.
The parents, so far, had ignored my presence, as per typical 1970's attitudes towards children. And so i cautiously started looking into the various bags. I was hoping to find toys or somehing i could play with. I looked to the parents, ignored...
I was ignored...
Shoes, dinnerware, clothes, basically yardsale stuffs was what i found.
I was ignored...
Finally there was the last bag, and it contained...toys, JACKPOT!
I was ignored...
I started pulling out the toys, one by one. I seperated them, boys toys to the right, and girls toys to the left. A Tonka truck, 2 hot wheels cars, a babydoll, fake food and drink to playfeed the "baby" with. The rest of the bag contained a few lego's, some Lincoln Logs, some erector set pieces, paper doll clothes, and Barbie clothes. I began to put the toys that i wasent going to play with, back in the bag. The "girl" pile went back in the bag first. Dont know why, but i have always prettymuch hated paper dolls, so no biggie there, and Barbie clothes dont do you any good with out Barbies to put them on, not that it matters, you know, girl toy anyways, and of course the babydoll and its accessories, girly toys. Automatically back in the bag they all went.
But...
The babydoll... I looked up. Against the wall about 6 feet away, was a wooden highchair. It looked maybe a tiny bit big for the doll, but could still be a part of the babydolls accessories. I could feel a "pull" from the doll. A "pull", how do you explain that? Its not like i could physically hear the babydoll saying " pick me, play with me". But there was... Something...
I was ignored...
I pulled the babydoll back out of the bag.
I was ignored...
I set the babydoll back to the left.
I was ignored...
I actually liked Lincoln Logs, and have always loved Lego's. I never really got into Erector sets. All of these dident have enough pieces to really do anything with, and its not like they were "mix-n-match with each other. So, back into the bag they went. That left the 2 hotwheels cars, the Tonka truck, and the Babydoll.
I felt the pull of the doll...
I was ignored...
Although i would end up owning about a dozen hotwheels cars at various points in my life, they were never a favorite toy. I never liked the racecar styles like other boys. I wanted the firetrucks, police cars, ambulances. The taxi cabs, and plain jane cars. I even had a "Le Car", if anyone remembers those. My favorite was Daisey Dukes white jeep. These 2 hotwheels cars were a typical dragster, and "funnycar", just not my style or holding my interest. Back in the bag they went. Down to the Tonka truck, and Babydoll. Easy choice now, right? Process of elimination. All the boy toys had been sorted through leaving Mr. Tonka, and girly toys dont count. I picked up Babydoll to put her back in the bag... Pause... I could feel the pull of the doll... I was ignored... Truck, doll, ignored... Why was this getting hard? I am a boy, boys play with trucks, girls play with dolls... I felt the pull of the doll... I was ignored...
Truck,doll, i dont understand... The truck is what i am supposed to play with. The truck is a cold lump of steel...
I can feel the pull of the doll...
I am ignored...
I am a boy, boys play with trucks. I dont want the truck... I want to play with the babydoll.. WHAT!?! I am ignored... Boys want trucks, girls want dolls. Why? Whats wrong with me?
Wait... Whats wrong with me? Whats wrong with me? There IS something wrong with me. I could feel it, my brother and cousins could feel it. I could feel the pull of the doll... I was ignored...
Truck, doll, truck, doll, truck, doll, can they see my dilemma? I am ignored... Do they see my indecisiom? I am ignored... Do they KNOW that i want the doll? I am ignored....
"i am ignored" is simply me looking up at the adults to see if they are keeping an eye on me, watching me, seeing what i am doing. I was being quiet. I wasent warrenting attention. I agonized over the decision between that stupid Tonka truck and that babydoll for what seemed like about 45 minutes. In reality, it was probably only about 5. But time seems to pass differently for children. At least our perception of it anyways. It was an agonizing 45 minutes to me.
I was ignored... I had been ignored this whole time. Maybe, if i stay quiet, play quiet, they will keep ignoring me? Its a dangerous gamble. Boys are boys and girls are girls. Set in stone. No deviation from this solid binary. Repercussions will be swift and angry, likely violent.
I felt the wash of adrenalin as my decision was made. Trembling in fear, i rummaged through the bag, terrified that the crinkle of the paper would call attention down on my horrific girly sins. I pulled out the various accessories for the doll. There was a plastic orange, a plastic banana, a tiny plate, bowl, silverware. There were tiny boxes of food, Cheerio's, and vegetables, and of course, a baby bottle.
I was ignored...
I finally, and with hands shaking in fear, put the Tonka truck back in the bag.
I was ignored...
I walked over to the highchair. It was wooden, it was heavy for me, but i could drag it across the floor in short tugs of effort. After each tug, i was ignored... I finally got the highchair over to the bag of toys. I was ignored. Babydoll, i was ignored, Babydoll, i was ignored, Babydoll, i was ignored... The agony... The pull of the doll... I was inored... Ok, fine, they havent paid me any mind this whole time, maybe i am safe? Maybe i can get away with it? I look at the adults.
I am ignored...
I cant properly convey the sheer torture it was in choosing between a doll and a truck. The choice SHOULD have been a cut and dry no contest thing. Simple... Boys are boys, and boys play with trucks. Boys dont EVER play with dolls, Boys dont ever WANT to play with dolls. But, decision made, it was time to play.
I placed the babydoll in the highchair. No easy feat as i had to figure out the mechanisms of the tray attached to the highchair. Remember, boys dont know how these things work. Babydoll in the chair, tray properly installed, dishes and food on the tray. One last look, i am ignored... Time to play. What am i playing? Mommy...
Its my baby and its feeding time, and i am Mommy. I talk to my baby, i feed my baby, i care for my baby, i love my baby. Time stops for the world around me. Its just me and my baby, and i am lost in the realm of motherhood, and it feels... Right... The puzzle pieces that had been scattered about, fall into place, and the picture is me. But its not the me its supposed to be. The picture isent of a boy. The picture is me, but i am a girl. I care for my baby, i talk to my baby, i love my baby, i am Mommy, and i feel right. Gone is the anxiety, the fear, the indecisiveness, gone is the feeling that i am not right. Its just a little girl playing with her babydoll. The tumblers aligne and the lock opens. How do you explain it? I am 26 months old, how is it even an issue to me? But i am not thinking of this on a concious level, its just mommy and her baby. On another level though, i AM thinking about it. Consequences... I am not a boy despite the dangly bits. Its an amazing joy to finally KNOW why i dident feel "right". And at the same time, sheer terror. What do i do about it? I certainly cant tell anyone, i would be punished, severely, boys are boys, girls are girls, there is no in between, there is no variation, there is no deviation, and an anomoly will be met with swift and merciless Devine justice. I am only 26 months old. How do i even comprehend ANY of this?
Because it happened, it happened to me, and i dont have a choice. Sex and gender are not the same thing. The words are not synonamous or interchangable. They are two seperate things entirely. Sex and gender normally line up all nice and pretty though. When it does, there is no conflict, no internal turmoil. When sex and gender dont line up nice and pretty, you KNOW, and there is horrible conflict. You might not understand, but you do "know"... And now "I" knew... What a horrible thing for a 26 month old to know. No 26 month old child should ever have an epiphany, especially one of this magnetude.
But all of that rumbled around in my subconcious, because i was Mommy, and i had to feed and care for my baby... And then there was a bright flash, i looked up, and another bright flash. TERROR! THARN (watership down reference that applies)! All of the adults were staring at me. The flashes had been polaroid cameras taking my picture. I was so afraid. I was caught playing Mommy with a doll. What would happen now, what terrible punishment was in store for me?
In this case, none. I guess i was young enough that everyone thought it was just cute, innocent play. But what was cute to them, was a horrible epiphany for me. And now i "knew", i knew i wasent a boy...
Does it seem oversimplified? My 26 month old epiphany? Like maybe i was to young to understand? Or maybe i jumped to a conclusion to quickly? That maybe i shouldent even comprehend a feeling of gender at that age? It was early... The typical age range for realization is between 3.5 and 8 years old. The average age is 6. So far, i was the youngest i have ever heard of, and i have met hundreds, maybe even a thousand by now. But, once you figure it out, your age means nothing except a piece of your childhood is over, a piece of your innocence is destroyed. You never see the world the same way, and you live in constant terror that someone will figure out that you know you are really a girl.