agh
this is hard. but also some things have happened to make me feel a little more relaxed.
amg cryptiiiiic but i just want to remember them, not discuss them :\ so no details.
i feel guilty when i think about using people :\ i guess if the person wants to be used, that would justify it. also if that person understands from the beginning that's what is happening, that should be justified as well. but i hate it when i get used and i dont want to do that to anyone else. i get led on a string for years, never getting my way, but i'm used to getting what i want! why was i such a pussy! i work my ass off and did my damnedest to make myself available whenever i was needed, you sit around and do nothing and can't do me the courtesy of being available when i need you.
conscious or not, we are always making decisions. some people are just so blinded by their own thoughts and desires to see the effect those decisions are having on the people around them who care about them. things don't just happen! and if you can't make a decision to apply yourself to something that could be really worthwhile, if you can't dig yourself out of your hole to see that the sun is shining and i want to share it with you alone, if you are willing to throw away something that could have been beautiful, then i dont know what to do with myself. except to hit the ground running and move on as quickly as i can without looking back. my native american name would be "heart that changes with the wind". my feelings are fast and unpredictable. one minute i'm a warm breeze blowing into your arms, and the next a tornado full of ICICLES and KNIVES trying to tear your apart your soul so you can never forget me.
i am so lucky to have so many people in my life who love me and care about me, but as soon as my interest is piqued i get a single-minded NEED to make that person treat me the way everyone else does :\ sadly that approach hasn't worked yet. i now need to decide what i can and can't give up and see where the path takes me.
oh, and it's really annoying when you plan to do things but then you keep your lazy ass in bed for 10 hours or more. i think i may have a blood sugar problem. i try to get out of bed :\ but i just can't for some reason. i am considering consulting a doctor (gasp!) to see if i can make any adjustments to my lifestyle (which i KNOW i need to but i just can't bring myself to....less booze, less eating a full dinner at 2 am, etc.) and maybe stick to something for once :\
amg cryptiiiiic but i just want to remember them, not discuss them :\ so no details.
i feel guilty when i think about using people :\ i guess if the person wants to be used, that would justify it. also if that person understands from the beginning that's what is happening, that should be justified as well. but i hate it when i get used and i dont want to do that to anyone else. i get led on a string for years, never getting my way, but i'm used to getting what i want! why was i such a pussy! i work my ass off and did my damnedest to make myself available whenever i was needed, you sit around and do nothing and can't do me the courtesy of being available when i need you.
conscious or not, we are always making decisions. some people are just so blinded by their own thoughts and desires to see the effect those decisions are having on the people around them who care about them. things don't just happen! and if you can't make a decision to apply yourself to something that could be really worthwhile, if you can't dig yourself out of your hole to see that the sun is shining and i want to share it with you alone, if you are willing to throw away something that could have been beautiful, then i dont know what to do with myself. except to hit the ground running and move on as quickly as i can without looking back. my native american name would be "heart that changes with the wind". my feelings are fast and unpredictable. one minute i'm a warm breeze blowing into your arms, and the next a tornado full of ICICLES and KNIVES trying to tear your apart your soul so you can never forget me.
i am so lucky to have so many people in my life who love me and care about me, but as soon as my interest is piqued i get a single-minded NEED to make that person treat me the way everyone else does :\ sadly that approach hasn't worked yet. i now need to decide what i can and can't give up and see where the path takes me.
oh, and it's really annoying when you plan to do things but then you keep your lazy ass in bed for 10 hours or more. i think i may have a blood sugar problem. i try to get out of bed :\ but i just can't for some reason. i am considering consulting a doctor (gasp!) to see if i can make any adjustments to my lifestyle (which i KNOW i need to but i just can't bring myself to....less booze, less eating a full dinner at 2 am, etc.) and maybe stick to something for once :\