re: reminisce
I was looking over a friend's ex-friend's site recently - she has a blog - cathryn and a website the artlair ... looking at some of her pictures even, and seeing how grown up she has become... she has some very beautiful pictures of herself on her site ...
There were various reasons we stopped being friends- I have my own issues that I won't get into here now, that probably contributed.
It probably would bother her knowing that I still check up on her every now and then... I probably should learn to let things go better, but once again, an issue I'm still working on ... anyways, having seen what's going on in her life occasionally, even being frustrated with some of her quirks or other traits that I disagreed with (a couple times commenting and mostly just pissing her off (so no, it probably wasn't worth it)) but also seeing her ... insights, and things she's discovered about herself, and ... the milestones in her personal journey of growth... I'm sure it means nothing to her, and it certainly has nothing to do with me, but I can't help but feel a little proud of her for overcoming so many of her own challenges, and ... i donno, growing as an artist and a person ... she's kept at her art, she's very good imo ... I don't know, maybe it's even partly BECAUSE of her stubborn, I'm-going-to-do-things-my-own-way-PERIOD kind of attitude... that I feel like I'm rooting for her even more, even tho sometimes it's frustrating to watch lol
I guess the bit that... I donno, is depressing? to me, seems like... when the best way I can 'be a friend to her' seems like... by staying out of her way, letting her find her own way ... not being there at all O_O
I guess it's a lesson against the idea of 'fixing other people', and like in Warrior's of Virtue, the lesson of the moth - that the struggle to break free of the cocoon, is what makes the moth strong enough to face the world and survive ... But I guess the thing I noticed, sort of a criticism of her, which also applies to me, is a certain tendency to 'judge' others, think I am right, have the arrogance to think I can give people advice and tell them how to do things, what is right, etc etc I think she still turns some people off sometimes, with her... probably unintentional, un-self-recognized tendency to judge things quickly and... somewhat absolutely...
Ahh, it's been so frustrating for me in my own life, to try and... suspend judgment on things... but I think the practice has... been an aid in learning wisdom... patience and time shows that things are... usually more complicated than at first glance... Mike K often says to me: (because he was one of the one's who pointed this out in me) "It is easy to solve OTHER people's problems, that we know nothing about - it is our OWN problems that are hard..." - meaning, basically, of course... that not understanding a problem, the solution may seem simple... but if things were so simple, we would probably have solved all our own problems already. That doesn't mean people can't have insight into other people's problems... but the whole... thinking you can hear a brief description of a problem, and suddenly have all the answers... might be a little unrealistic...
That is something I'm trying to come to grips with... I want to help other people, lots of the time, but my way of going about it is sometimes a little backwards... to help others, i think one needs to learn how to suppress one's ego a little, and take that supporting role, listen more than advise, etc ... sometimes emotional support is more valuable than trying to 'solve' the problem someone is facing... or merely pointing someone to the resources they may not be aware of that will serve as tools to facilitate the solution - themselves...
I have difficulty... sitting in the midst of the storm, and focussing on my own affairs, maintaining clarity... my mind is easily tossed to and fro by the fickle winds of circumstances, and I forget to make my own priorities and persist on those, sometimes... I would almost rather help someone solve their problems, than worry about my own...
Anyways, I need to learn to better balance the forces of 'self-centered-ness' and dealing with my own affairs, and a focus on external issues ... to not be submersed so fully or blindly in either, so that the other gets neglected...
I've been looking into pda's a little and trying to learn to focus despite ... distractions... my organization and focus are poor, and if I want to be a good student and succeed in life, especially in further studies, increasing my effectiveness in those areas will be really important...
I've heard of something called 'mindfulness' and associated training... something related to buddhist-type mindfulness and meditation, but not necessarily limited to this... about ... letting the world happen, getting used to observing these things, and myself, my own mental state but... floating above it a little, and not letting my mind get distracted or too absorbed by these things... I think the speedreading training I've been doing is a little like that too... I tend to be so focussed on trying to get each word, etc... I lose the flow... the purpose... sometimes you need to scan, sometimes you need to not... pay attention to the tiny details, as much as the large-scale details... and I've had difficulty switching my mind between these things...
Anyways, maybe I shouldn't mix topics up so much lol.
It seems like there are a lot of cool people, or at least, people whom I see something I admire in them, or positive, shared interests and so on... with whom I've burned the bridges of friendship and no longer am in touch with... it makes me wonder... maybe I'm looking too much for the wrong things in some of these relationships... expecting or wanting too much from them, and forcing the universe to... break them... to set me free from them... haha yeah i know it sounds a little crazy... but if the point of me relating with someone is to learn specific things, or to share specific things... becoming something else, expecting something else may... make me lose some of those things, I think... get distracted, as it were...
I'm very self-centred in terms of how I view potential relationships - always in terms of my -OWN- current needs, and not necessarily taking into true account the other person's needs... what am I really offering? And even more so, my assessment of my own -needs- is very... superficial... not necessarily on any sort of spiritual, higher level...
I think these are some things that need to be addressed, if I'm going to have... deeper, more meaningful relationships...
I think I would like to learn how to be 'good friends' with people, and catch up sometimes, without expecting them, or me, to be 'there' or omni-'aware' of everything going on in each other's lives...maybe taking some time on how to summarize what's going on with me, to other people, so catching up is more effective and briefer so... I donno but anyways, i think the art of friendship, especially long-term friendship, is something that has eluded me for some time... maybe my family is the best relationship for me to learn from, since I've actually kept in touch mostly with them...
I have no idea how to tag this... rant or something maybe
m_G
There were various reasons we stopped being friends- I have my own issues that I won't get into here now, that probably contributed.
It probably would bother her knowing that I still check up on her every now and then... I probably should learn to let things go better, but once again, an issue I'm still working on ... anyways, having seen what's going on in her life occasionally, even being frustrated with some of her quirks or other traits that I disagreed with (a couple times commenting and mostly just pissing her off (so no, it probably wasn't worth it)) but also seeing her ... insights, and things she's discovered about herself, and ... the milestones in her personal journey of growth... I'm sure it means nothing to her, and it certainly has nothing to do with me, but I can't help but feel a little proud of her for overcoming so many of her own challenges, and ... i donno, growing as an artist and a person ... she's kept at her art, she's very good imo ... I don't know, maybe it's even partly BECAUSE of her stubborn, I'm-going-to-do-things-my-own-way-PERIOD kind of attitude... that I feel like I'm rooting for her even more, even tho sometimes it's frustrating to watch lol
I guess the bit that... I donno, is depressing? to me, seems like... when the best way I can 'be a friend to her' seems like... by staying out of her way, letting her find her own way ... not being there at all O_O
I guess it's a lesson against the idea of 'fixing other people', and like in Warrior's of Virtue, the lesson of the moth - that the struggle to break free of the cocoon, is what makes the moth strong enough to face the world and survive ... But I guess the thing I noticed, sort of a criticism of her, which also applies to me, is a certain tendency to 'judge' others, think I am right, have the arrogance to think I can give people advice and tell them how to do things, what is right, etc etc I think she still turns some people off sometimes, with her... probably unintentional, un-self-recognized tendency to judge things quickly and... somewhat absolutely...
Ahh, it's been so frustrating for me in my own life, to try and... suspend judgment on things... but I think the practice has... been an aid in learning wisdom... patience and time shows that things are... usually more complicated than at first glance... Mike K often says to me: (because he was one of the one's who pointed this out in me) "It is easy to solve OTHER people's problems, that we know nothing about - it is our OWN problems that are hard..." - meaning, basically, of course... that not understanding a problem, the solution may seem simple... but if things were so simple, we would probably have solved all our own problems already. That doesn't mean people can't have insight into other people's problems... but the whole... thinking you can hear a brief description of a problem, and suddenly have all the answers... might be a little unrealistic...
That is something I'm trying to come to grips with... I want to help other people, lots of the time, but my way of going about it is sometimes a little backwards... to help others, i think one needs to learn how to suppress one's ego a little, and take that supporting role, listen more than advise, etc ... sometimes emotional support is more valuable than trying to 'solve' the problem someone is facing... or merely pointing someone to the resources they may not be aware of that will serve as tools to facilitate the solution - themselves...
I have difficulty... sitting in the midst of the storm, and focussing on my own affairs, maintaining clarity... my mind is easily tossed to and fro by the fickle winds of circumstances, and I forget to make my own priorities and persist on those, sometimes... I would almost rather help someone solve their problems, than worry about my own...
Anyways, I need to learn to better balance the forces of 'self-centered-ness' and dealing with my own affairs, and a focus on external issues ... to not be submersed so fully or blindly in either, so that the other gets neglected...
I've been looking into pda's a little and trying to learn to focus despite ... distractions... my organization and focus are poor, and if I want to be a good student and succeed in life, especially in further studies, increasing my effectiveness in those areas will be really important...
I've heard of something called 'mindfulness' and associated training... something related to buddhist-type mindfulness and meditation, but not necessarily limited to this... about ... letting the world happen, getting used to observing these things, and myself, my own mental state but... floating above it a little, and not letting my mind get distracted or too absorbed by these things... I think the speedreading training I've been doing is a little like that too... I tend to be so focussed on trying to get each word, etc... I lose the flow... the purpose... sometimes you need to scan, sometimes you need to not... pay attention to the tiny details, as much as the large-scale details... and I've had difficulty switching my mind between these things...
Anyways, maybe I shouldn't mix topics up so much lol.
It seems like there are a lot of cool people, or at least, people whom I see something I admire in them, or positive, shared interests and so on... with whom I've burned the bridges of friendship and no longer am in touch with... it makes me wonder... maybe I'm looking too much for the wrong things in some of these relationships... expecting or wanting too much from them, and forcing the universe to... break them... to set me free from them... haha yeah i know it sounds a little crazy... but if the point of me relating with someone is to learn specific things, or to share specific things... becoming something else, expecting something else may... make me lose some of those things, I think... get distracted, as it were...
I'm very self-centred in terms of how I view potential relationships - always in terms of my -OWN- current needs, and not necessarily taking into true account the other person's needs... what am I really offering? And even more so, my assessment of my own -needs- is very... superficial... not necessarily on any sort of spiritual, higher level...
I think these are some things that need to be addressed, if I'm going to have... deeper, more meaningful relationships...
I think I would like to learn how to be 'good friends' with people, and catch up sometimes, without expecting them, or me, to be 'there' or omni-'aware' of everything going on in each other's lives...maybe taking some time on how to summarize what's going on with me, to other people, so catching up is more effective and briefer so... I donno but anyways, i think the art of friendship, especially long-term friendship, is something that has eluded me for some time... maybe my family is the best relationship for me to learn from, since I've actually kept in touch mostly with them...
I have no idea how to tag this... rant or something maybe
m_G