x posted (dear somebody)
From yesterday:
I really am trying to get better. To be better. I fucked up a lot in the past. A lot a lot. But I’m trying and I want to be better, mostly because of and for you. I really hope you know that. I hope you don’t think I’m just a cheater or a shoplifter or a cutter or whatever the fuck else it was that I’ve done because I’m trying so hard. And please don’t think I’m just some sorority girl. Yes, I joined a house, and I can’t change that, but I don’t want THAT to be what ruins any potential with us. Please just don’t leave me.
From today:
So you fucking fly your ass to Arizona to drive for 11 hours back with her? Cool. And you won’t date me, or you say we’re dating but then you say we’re not and I never know if we are or not. If you were my boyfriend I’d still be annoyed, but probably not this much. And I wouldn’t be worrying about it this much either because I would know for sure how you feel about me/us. You’d probably tell me that I know how you feel, but I don’t really. I mean I kind of do, but I like definition and you definitely aren’t giving it to me b/c you are afraid of titles. I don’t know if we’re dating even, and if we are, are we being exclusive? I would think yes, but then you say you don’t care what I do. So then I get confused again. And I think at some point you told me it would suck if I found another boy, but you didn’t want me to be afraid to date. But why would I find another boy if that means losing you? And if finding another boy means losing you then that would imply this is an exclusive dating but not dating situation? God damnit this sucks. I hate no reason to hate Chelsie, but I kind of do. I kind of have played out our fight scene in my head. I win of course. And then I don’t play the part where you react because you wouldn’t be happy and you’d hate me and that would defeat the purpose of kicking her ass. Anyway, the point is that I really hate the ridiculously large amount of time you spend with her and I hate that you are still friends and I am way to jealous/paranoid for my own good but what can I do when you won’t even give me a consistent answer as to whether or not we’re dating! Fucking hell. Just fyi this sucks. Oh, and PS: as much as I really really really REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY don’t want to stop what we’re doing, I know that if someday you end up being like “yeah, I don’t think you can ever be my girlfriend” I will be really upset. By upset I mean annoyed and sad all at once which = really bad combination. I don’t care if we stay “dating” or whatever the hell we are now for months even, but I’ll be mad at us both if nothing happens. I’ll definitely feel like a whore, and I’ll think you’re a douchebag. Both of which you claim aren’t true. So do with that information what you will.
Another thing: thanks for un-tagging yourself in the majority of pictures from when you and Sarah were at my house. I’m glad I’m something to hide from people. Thanks a lot. Definitely appreciate it. You told me to watch your actions and not what you say. What exactly do you think I should make of that action? DO NOT have me in your Oregon life, but not in your California one. That’s bullshit. I’m either in or out. Fucking take your pick. Again, really really really REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY don’t want to stop what we’re doing, but there are some aspects that piss the shit out of me. The general idea of you essentially pretending I don’t exist when it comes to your friends/family/whatever back home being one of them.
Oh, wait. I’m sorry. I just remembered. It’s not just Sean’s facebook. It’s Sean and Chelsie’s facebook. FUCK THAT. Do you not realize you’re being a fucking douchebag? Seriously just fuck it. I almost don’t even care about you right now. Note the use of the word almost because I don’t know where I would be without you right now. I need you to figure this out. I don’t want to have to walk away from this.
I really am trying to get better. To be better. I fucked up a lot in the past. A lot a lot. But I’m trying and I want to be better, mostly because of and for you. I really hope you know that. I hope you don’t think I’m just a cheater or a shoplifter or a cutter or whatever the fuck else it was that I’ve done because I’m trying so hard. And please don’t think I’m just some sorority girl. Yes, I joined a house, and I can’t change that, but I don’t want THAT to be what ruins any potential with us. Please just don’t leave me.
From today:
So you fucking fly your ass to Arizona to drive for 11 hours back with her? Cool. And you won’t date me, or you say we’re dating but then you say we’re not and I never know if we are or not. If you were my boyfriend I’d still be annoyed, but probably not this much. And I wouldn’t be worrying about it this much either because I would know for sure how you feel about me/us. You’d probably tell me that I know how you feel, but I don’t really. I mean I kind of do, but I like definition and you definitely aren’t giving it to me b/c you are afraid of titles. I don’t know if we’re dating even, and if we are, are we being exclusive? I would think yes, but then you say you don’t care what I do. So then I get confused again. And I think at some point you told me it would suck if I found another boy, but you didn’t want me to be afraid to date. But why would I find another boy if that means losing you? And if finding another boy means losing you then that would imply this is an exclusive dating but not dating situation? God damnit this sucks. I hate no reason to hate Chelsie, but I kind of do. I kind of have played out our fight scene in my head. I win of course. And then I don’t play the part where you react because you wouldn’t be happy and you’d hate me and that would defeat the purpose of kicking her ass. Anyway, the point is that I really hate the ridiculously large amount of time you spend with her and I hate that you are still friends and I am way to jealous/paranoid for my own good but what can I do when you won’t even give me a consistent answer as to whether or not we’re dating! Fucking hell. Just fyi this sucks. Oh, and PS: as much as I really really really REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY don’t want to stop what we’re doing, I know that if someday you end up being like “yeah, I don’t think you can ever be my girlfriend” I will be really upset. By upset I mean annoyed and sad all at once which = really bad combination. I don’t care if we stay “dating” or whatever the hell we are now for months even, but I’ll be mad at us both if nothing happens. I’ll definitely feel like a whore, and I’ll think you’re a douchebag. Both of which you claim aren’t true. So do with that information what you will.
Another thing: thanks for un-tagging yourself in the majority of pictures from when you and Sarah were at my house. I’m glad I’m something to hide from people. Thanks a lot. Definitely appreciate it. You told me to watch your actions and not what you say. What exactly do you think I should make of that action? DO NOT have me in your Oregon life, but not in your California one. That’s bullshit. I’m either in or out. Fucking take your pick. Again, really really really REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY don’t want to stop what we’re doing, but there are some aspects that piss the shit out of me. The general idea of you essentially pretending I don’t exist when it comes to your friends/family/whatever back home being one of them.
Oh, wait. I’m sorry. I just remembered. It’s not just Sean’s facebook. It’s Sean and Chelsie’s facebook. FUCK THAT. Do you not realize you’re being a fucking douchebag? Seriously just fuck it. I almost don’t even care about you right now. Note the use of the word almost because I don’t know where I would be without you right now. I need you to figure this out. I don’t want to have to walk away from this.