209: Fear
What are you afraid of?
Nothing.
Does that sound arrogant, maybe? Boastful? Macho? Mm. Big tough angel, not afraid of nothin'. It's true though, and doesn't have much to do with pride. For most of my existence, fear never was a big part of my vocabulary; who or what can you be afraid of when you are the named messenger of the Almighty God? I remember being angry in the first war-- angry, stricken, uncomprehending, disbelieving... many things... but not afraid.
Fear came later, when I could no longer hear His voice. And I refused to admit that was fear; buried myself in anger once more. What's the line? 'He doesn't get scared, he gives it'? Something like that. Easier to take it out on others, easier to let somebody else feel terror, then face up to it myself.
That was... internal, though, something between me and my G-d. Outside threats, though? I told Lucifer he was nothing; said that to his face knowing he was about ready to rip my heart out.
I had my flaws, but cowardice wasn't exactly among them.
Fast forward to being human. Let's make up for the lack of fear that goes with being the Sword of Heaven by making me terrified, living the first year or three in an off-and-on state of panic. The world was big, and for the first time, man... I was small. And very vulnerable. Did a lot of flinching in those days, lotta cringing.
Teaches you humility, that does.
I learned how you lived in this human world though, and one day I had this, whaddayacallit, epiphany of a sort: What's the worst that can happen to me? Pain? Yeah, pain hurts, but after what Lucifer had done to me in Hell, so what? Everything except the Name is ultimately finite, and that's especially true in a mortal body. So if not pain, what was I so scared of? Dying?
And I wasn't. That's freeing, to know that death holds no real terror for you. The fear comes in the not knowing what's on the other side, but in my case, I reasoned that I'd either go home or go downstairs or cease to exist, and I was more or less okay with two out of three of those options.
So after that I stopped being scared. Just didn't see much point. Zophael showed up and hauled me through a windshield (my poor, poor car) and pointed out how easy it would be to kill me and I said, Yeah? Fried food can kill me, a mugger can kill me. You're not so special down here, Jones!
(I was kinda enjoying being human by then. I'd even learned to drive.)
So as for being scared now.... Same question. What's the worst that can happen?
And for me, it already has.
Pain is temporary. Death is only a boundary. Fear is the absence of the Name, and I have been there, and it is black and cold and terrifying, and if I feared anything now it would be that. But I came through it, because love is stronger than fear. And love brought me back home.
I got no plans to leave again.
______
gabriel * the prophecy series (movie) * word count: 529
Nothing.
Does that sound arrogant, maybe? Boastful? Macho? Mm. Big tough angel, not afraid of nothin'. It's true though, and doesn't have much to do with pride. For most of my existence, fear never was a big part of my vocabulary; who or what can you be afraid of when you are the named messenger of the Almighty God? I remember being angry in the first war-- angry, stricken, uncomprehending, disbelieving... many things... but not afraid.
Fear came later, when I could no longer hear His voice. And I refused to admit that was fear; buried myself in anger once more. What's the line? 'He doesn't get scared, he gives it'? Something like that. Easier to take it out on others, easier to let somebody else feel terror, then face up to it myself.
That was... internal, though, something between me and my G-d. Outside threats, though? I told Lucifer he was nothing; said that to his face knowing he was about ready to rip my heart out.
I had my flaws, but cowardice wasn't exactly among them.
Fast forward to being human. Let's make up for the lack of fear that goes with being the Sword of Heaven by making me terrified, living the first year or three in an off-and-on state of panic. The world was big, and for the first time, man... I was small. And very vulnerable. Did a lot of flinching in those days, lotta cringing.
Teaches you humility, that does.
I learned how you lived in this human world though, and one day I had this, whaddayacallit, epiphany of a sort: What's the worst that can happen to me? Pain? Yeah, pain hurts, but after what Lucifer had done to me in Hell, so what? Everything except the Name is ultimately finite, and that's especially true in a mortal body. So if not pain, what was I so scared of? Dying?
And I wasn't. That's freeing, to know that death holds no real terror for you. The fear comes in the not knowing what's on the other side, but in my case, I reasoned that I'd either go home or go downstairs or cease to exist, and I was more or less okay with two out of three of those options.
So after that I stopped being scared. Just didn't see much point. Zophael showed up and hauled me through a windshield (my poor, poor car) and pointed out how easy it would be to kill me and I said, Yeah? Fried food can kill me, a mugger can kill me. You're not so special down here, Jones!
(I was kinda enjoying being human by then. I'd even learned to drive.)
So as for being scared now.... Same question. What's the worst that can happen?
And for me, it already has.
Pain is temporary. Death is only a boundary. Fear is the absence of the Name, and I have been there, and it is black and cold and terrifying, and if I feared anything now it would be that. But I came through it, because love is stronger than fear. And love brought me back home.
I got no plans to leave again.
______
gabriel * the prophecy series (movie) * word count: 529