without you 1/2
Title: Without You (1/2)
Author: argh (@ oneuldo)
Rating: PG-13
Length: 8,915
Pairing: Jonghyun/Minho, Onew/Minho (OT3 later...)
Summary: About broken hearts, falling in love and rekindling old loves.
(I fail with summaries :/ and I just decided to post this so I'd hurry up and finish it D:)
Dedication: this is a super late 50 member request from onho written for shan_ah_non I'm sorry if you hate this D: and if you do honestly hate it, feel free to tell me and I will rewrite it! ♥
Warnings: unbeta-ed! (So if you spot any mistakes ;__; like my excessive comma abuse LOL please point it out?)
Notes: Decided to post this ... so I actually get around to finishing it! D:
Without You
Jonghyun x Minho x Jinki
For shah_ah_non <333
(sorry I hope this isn’t too angsty, I swear I always end up writing it when I’m sitting here bawling my eyes out. :/ fun times are fun.)
ΞΘΞ
Minho groaned as he woke up, and for several peaceful moments he lay there just enjoying the fact that he did not have to rush up for anything. Minho had taken three months of paid leave from his work, he was incredibly lucky that they had agreed to it. He sighed contentedly and rolled over onto his side, smiling as he eyes as he opened them to greet his boyfriend. Minho pouted slightly when he saw that the bed was empty, and he frowned and sat up sleepily, wondering if he was in the shower. He peered over towards the bathroom and blinked when he saw the door was open and there was silence not the sound of running water.
He lay back down again, figuring Jonghyun was probably writing a song or reading the paper, he shrugged and snuggled back into the sheets. It was only when he woke up again that he was filled with a sense of foreboding, and something felt off. He frowned and got up slowly and it was only when he walked over to the closet that he noticed that all of Jonghyun’s belongings were missing. Minho felt his heart being crushed when he opened the closet and saw that it was half empty. Where Jonghyun’s clothes should be hanging there was nothing but empty rack space.
Minho could barely move, and his eyes were watering by the time he found the note downstairs. He could feel his heart breaking as he read every word. Minho, I’m so sorry, but I can’t stay here with you anymore. Please forget about me and just move on. I won’t ever be coming back. I love you, but I can’t stay here, sorry. - Jonghyun. He read it over and over, until the words were smudged and blurred from his salty tears. But Minho had the words engraved in his heart, it hurt so much. For hours he sat there clutching the sodden paper, unable to move or do anything but cry.
He could not understand why Jonghyun had suddenly left him. They had been so happy - the night before Jonghyun had kissed him so tenderly and told him over and over that he loved him. But then he was gone, with no warning, no nothing. Minho could not make any sense of it, and he was grateful that he didn’t have to go to work because he was in no shape to work.
For weeks Minho sat in their apartment moping, he did not move, or rarely eat. He had no will or energy to do anything, his heart hurt too much. He could make no sense of why Jonghyun had left him. Minho’s mood was as black as the blackest clouds, and he barely moved from the bed. After a month of moping around his house feeling depressed Minho realised he had to go out to buy some things, and with reluctance he showered and dressed to go out. It felt so strange to venture out of the house, and even though the sun was shining his mood was still bleak. Minho felt old and terrible, he walked slowly towards the pedestrian crossing. Everything just felt wrong without Jonghyun, nothing felt right at all.
He was about to walk across when he noticed that there was a sea of colourful hats, and the crossing was full of preschoolers. He blinked and stopped at the side to let them pass - he didn’t stare at them, he just stared at nothing in particular, but after some time he looked over to see if they had gone. He blinked as he met the gaze of the teacher at the back, and he stopped dead as the teacher smiled brightly across at him.
“Thank you for waiting, I hope you have a great day!” The teacher smiled so much, his eyes practically disappeared, but Minho found that his lips curved up a little in almost a smile and nodding his head at this teacher. He hadn’t smiled for a month and it felt so strange, but somehow he found that he did not feel quite so depressed. Minho crossed the street, but he turned back to glance at the back of the teacher, he decided that he should’ve come out more - it obviously would have improved his mood.
ΞΘΞ
Jinki smiled brightly as he walked in the front of the apartment, trying not to roll his eyes as he saw Kibum and Taemin sprawled across the couch, munching on snacks. Jinki waved across at Kibum, who waved back when he finally heard the sound of Jinki’s feet across the tiles. Taemin, however kept his eyes glued to the television, until Kibum whacked him lightly in the side for being rude.
“Hey hyung, how was the hospital?” Kibum asked, pushing Taemin’s legs off his lap, getting up and walking over to where Jinki was putting his bag down. Kibum could see something was troubling the older man, his smiled seemed slightly forced. Sometimes Kibum wanted to tell Jinki to slow down, to stop volunteering and just concentrate on his day job.
“It was okay.” Jinki breathed out slowly, carefully avoiding Kibum’s gaze as he fiddled with the tie around his neck, “There was a new guy admitted today, from another place,” Kibum nodded his head, waiting patiently for Jinki to continue.
“He was younger than me,” Jinki nodded his head slowly, “It’s so hard Kibum-ah, seeing people younger than me, you know?” Jinki sighed, but then a pair of skinny arms wrapped around his waist. Jinki blinked and smiled when he saw Taemin had wrapped himself around the older male. It was funny because they were like a family even if they weren’t related. Although sometimes Jinki got jealous when he saw Taemin and Kibum together, sometimes he wished to have something like that.
“Ah it’s okay hyung. I mean he might be okay, you don’t know his situation or anything.” Kibum shrugged, patting Jinki’s arm lightly, “Don’t let it upset you, Come on let’s eat dinner now. Taeminnie’s starving, and he has exams soon so he needs to study.” Kibum reminded Jinki, who smiled down at the youngest before he nodded his head.
ΞΘΞ
The next day Minho forced himself to go out for a walk, even though he felt so incredibly sad, it was his birthday and he was all alone, doing nothing. It was a day that he strongly missed Jonghyun, and he just wanted to curl into his sheets and cry. But since the previous days excursion had made him feel so much better he decided he needed to go out. He wondered around the streets feeling hollow and empty, and by the time he got home, his mood was just as bad as when he had left. He sighed softly and sank down onto the couch, wondering what he should do now. Minho sighed heavily, if anything he felt worse after going out then he had before hand.
He groaned when he remembered that his mother was coming round later to bring him a present and he still had no groceries. He forced himself to go the supermarket, and he wondered around the store in a daze. He had no idea what to buy and grabbed a heap of instant noodles, and he went to find some tea. When he was walking towards the aisle with the tea - a tomato suddenly rolled past his foot. Minho barely even noticed it, but when a second tomato stopped inches away from his foot he blinked feeling sick. The tomatoes were the only brightness in a sea of dull grey.
Somehow the simple act of a tomato rolling past, made him feel terrible. Tomatoes reminded him of Jonghyun, it was insane but that simple act of one rolling past just brought it all back. Minho felt crippled with sadness as he remembered how Jonghyun had opened the fridge and dropped a tomato on the floor, standing on it seconds later. He had come in moments later and freaked out thinking that Jonghyun had cut himself, and after that they had slept together for the first time.
So seeing the tomato felt like the most painful reminder of what he had lost. Minho clutched his chest, feeling like bursting into tears, it felt like someone was stabbing him in the chest repeatedly. He swallowed and knew he had to get out of there fast. He stepped back, backing into a vegetable stand as another tomato hit his foot, and he felt like crying, as his back hit the edge of the vegetable stand, causing it to shake behind him, the thunk of other vegetables falling echoed the sound of his heart breaking again.
Minho shut his eyes and he was about to cry when he felt someone touch his hand, and Minho’s first thought was that it was Jonghyun. The black cloud of depression lifted, and for the first time in weeks he felt like sunshine was blinding him. He opened his eyes hopefully, blinking away tears, Jonghyun’s name on his lips and he glanced around, his heart pounding so fast.
“Are you okay?”
Minho turned and all his hopes crumbled as he saw someone who was not Jonghyun looking worried at him. Minho swallowed and then slowly nodded his head, and for a second he thought the guy looked familiar. He shook it off and went to walk away, but the guy bit his lip and ducked his head down, and Minho remembered he had seen him with the school children at the crossing.
“I’m fine.” Minho replied tersely, and he went to walk away, but the guy moved to stand in front of him, and he something clench in his chest as he saw the guy smile, his smile was like pure sunshine. Somehow it made him feel slightly better despite the tomatoes, despite the fact that the love of his life was still gone. He slowly nodded his head, and went to step away.
“Okay, well if you ever want to talk.” The other guy stammered slightly, looking so shy, “Sorry, I guess that’s a bit too forward.” He scratched his head, “I’m so sorry, you just looked so sad.” He nodded his head, biting into his lip, “Sorry, I kind of talk too much when I’m nervous.” He laughed, sounding so painfully awkward that Minho just stared in surprise at him.
“I’m sorry for dropping the tomatoes too, I’ll pick them up and stop harassing you.” He nodded his head, and Minho stared, noticing that the other guy’s cheeks were a faint red. He felt intrigued and strange, so he kept quiet and didn’t say anything. It was weird, on one level and Minho’s chest ached because it brought it back that Jonghyun was gone, but somehow this guy made him curious about life. It was strange because he felt depressed but the other half of him suddenly had this urge to live again.
ΞΘΞ
“I saw a really sad looking guy at the supermarket,” Jinki frowned slightly when he saw Taemin rolling his eyes at him slightly. “Like he was good looking, but that kind of faded away when you saw the sadness in his eyes. He looked like one of the patients.” Jinki ignored Taemin’s reaction, and sighed, feeling like he should’ve done more. Jinki put the groceries away slowly, his mind still focussed on that guy, and the grey that seemed to surround him.
“You didn’t give him one of your cards, did you hyung?” Taemin perched on the armrest of the couch, feet swinging as he peered up at Jinki. “God, you didn’t did you? Man that was so awful when that guy thought you were offering sexual services. Well it was kind of funny, but your face,” Taemin grinned, watching Jinki’s face go bright red again.
“No, uh, I didn’t.” Jinki firmly shook his head, “I’m going to shower.” As Jinki scurried away, Taemin sighed softly, wondering why Jinki always had such bad luck with love. He was a good looking guy, but somehow people never seemed to see him or like him. Maybe it was because he was too nice, and far too considerate. Taemin hoped that one day, someone would like and appreciate his hyung, because he hated to see him lonely.
ΞΘΞ
Minho’s good mood was short lived, once he was home with his groceries he just felt all his emotions welling up inside him. The slightly nauseous uneasy feeling was back with its butterflies, making him feel on edge as if he was waiting for something bad to happen. With each breath he took it felt as if his chest and throat was constricting, making it hard for him to breathe. Minho couldn’t help feeling panicky, the way his chest tightened and his throat seemed in close up, his limbs felt all shaky and jittery too. He felt as if he was walking along the edge of a cliff, about to fall or something incredibly bad was about to happen. Since Jonghyun had left, he seemed to be going round in circles, some weeks and days he was okay, but others everything just crushed him completely.
Minho hated this, he hated the fact that Jonghyun, who he had loved so much had just walked out and left him. He wanted to blame Jonghyun, but he felt as if the responsibility was with him. Minho figured he was to blame, he obviously did something so horrible and nasty that Jonghyun had to just leave him without explaining why. It made Minho feel complete contempt and hatred for himself, it was hard or impossible to push those feelings away.
There was no way he was fit to see anyone right now, especially his mother. Minho sent her a text message, struggling to write the words when he just felt so horrible, the feelings that pumped around his body were enough to drive him insane. The worst thing about it was that he wondered if it was his anxiety that driven Jonghyun away, this crippling anxiety that had forced Jonghyun to just leave, unable to stand the way Minho was some times. He shivered and put his phone down, lying on his bed and just squeezing his eyes shut.
Minho felt relieved he wouldn’t have to put up with his mother anymore, since she had always hated Jonghyun, and said he could’ve been with someone better. She was always rude about him, and Minho didn’t think he could put up with those kinds of remarks right now, the snide and cutting comments would just be too much. Minho curled onto his side, lying there until he heard a sound which piqued his curiosity because it sounded like someone was walking around in his house.
It was irrational the way he reacted - he didn’t even give himself to think anything through. Instead he leapt to his feet and ran down the stairs, breathing heavily as he ran towards the door, his brain was screaming furiously, Jonghyun! Oh god, Jonghyun is back! Jonghyun! Minho looked slightly deranged as he ran into the living room, clad only in his boxers, he stopped short when he noticed two people standing in the door way, looking somewhat horrified.
“Oh,” Minho panted softly, blinking his eyes as he gazed around still feeling hopeful that Jonghyun was there somewhere. Only when he had studied the entire room, he felt sick realising that Jonghyun was not there and he turned to see his mother and some unknown guy standing in the doorway. Minho wanted to cry, but he felt embarrassed too, he attempted to cover his chest with his hands.
“Hi,” Minho’s mother frowned across at him before turning to the guy at her side, “See this is why I wanted you to come,” she spoke to the other male, who had slanted, almost cat like eyes lined with black. His fringe was rainbow streaked, and if Minho hadn’t been so distraught he probably would’ve been incredibly fascinated with it. “I don’t know what is going on, but I am worried about him.”
Minho frowned, straightening up to his full height, he hated anyone talking about him in front of him. He hated his mother for disregarding his text message and just coming over like this, he turned on his heel and stalked out of the room. Ignoring the way her shrill voice called his name, he retreated up into his bedroom like a sulky teenager, slamming the door shut behind him. How dare she bring some fucking stranger into my house like that?
Minho paced around his room fuming, feeling pissed off about this whole thing, he just felt so angry at his mother. Who or what was that guy anyways and why was he in his house uninvited? Minho frowned, still pacing around the room when there was a quiet knock on the door, and despite himself he went over and answered the door, he hadn’t been brought up to be rude.
“Hi,” the guy answered, “I’m really sorry for just turning up like this, your mum kind of twisted my arm.” He offered a slightly painful smile, “Anyway I’m Kim Kibum, I work down at the hair salon where your mum goes.” Kibum nodded his head, ignoring the way Minho just practically glared at him, “She just thought I could do your hair, but I realise this is all really awkward.” Minho bit his lip and looked down, feeling bad, he could just imagine the scene now - his mother being so pushy and full on. He felt bad now for this Kim Kibum guy, he had probably been forced to take some time out of his work day to come here.
“I’m sorry too,” Minho mumbled, “things just haven’t been that good lately,” he looked down at the floor, shifting slightly, feeling embarrassed and mortified.
“Your mum left already,” Kibum coughed slightly, “So if me being here is a nuisance, I can just go.” He offered standing in the doorway, “I’m really sorry about this, I wasn’t sure how you’d take this either, a random stranger just inviting himself in your house.” Somehow Minho felt compelled to let him stay, he just nodded his head, somehow he couldn’t just tell him to go.
“Um it’s okay,” Minho decided not to mention that it was nice to talk to someone since he hadn’t talked to anyone for a while, the last conversation he had had was with that smiley guy at the supermarket. He blinked his eyes remembering the way the corners of his eyes had crinkled when he smiled, and how his smile had been so pure and happy, it made Minho forget everything and feel incredibly happy when he saw it. He frowned realising he was getting distracted.
“Anyway I mean, it’s fine, I probably need a haircut, I’ll just get dressed and come downstairs, is that okay?” He asked biting his lip, unaware of how upset but somehow achingly beautiful he looked. Kibum stiffly nodded his head before he shut the door softly behind him leaving Minho to dress.
Ten minutes later and Minho was seated downstairs in the kitchen, facing a large mirror that Kibum had produced from somewhere. Minho shut his eyes, shivering slightly as Kibum’s hands touched his hair, he wanted to reach up and grasp his hands. Because it had been so long since someone had touched him so tenderly, he just wanted to cry, it made him think of Jonghyun so badly. He bit his lip, trying to hold his emotions back as Kibum’s fingers touched his scalp, assessing his hair and trying to decide what to do.
“I don’t know what my mum told you,” Minho opened his eyes and met Kibum’s eyes in the mirror, “but it is nice to have some company.” Minho finished lamely, feeling like a prize idiot when he saw how Kibum’s eyes widened in surprised.
“She didn’t tell me much to be honest, just that you needed a haircut,” Kibum blinked his eyes, wondering how someone as good looking as Minho could be lacking for company. “And that you were a bit down,” he shrugged slightly, “So do you just want a trim or a new style?”
“Trim,” Minho replied instantly, but then when he looked in the mirror and he saw his long hair, the long hair that Jonghyun had loved so much, he shook his head, “No, I mean cut it all off.” He snapped, eyes narrowing down in anger. His emotions were all over the place, he couldn’t make up his mind, “Well at least make it shorter.”
Kibum curtly nodded his head, and they discussed Minho’s hair for a little bit longer. Somehow Minho found himself bringing up that guy he met, even though he had just met Kibum, he felt comfortable to talk to him. He told him how he met this preschool teacher, recounting the whole incident, down to the sea of little kids with their colourful clothes and hats and how they all had smiled so brightly, like little suns beaming up at him brightly. Perhaps it was the fact that Minho had not really talked to anyone for weeks - he had avoided all of his friends after he had slept with one of them and it had been awful. But now he just kept talking and couldn’t stop.
Minho gazed up almost wistfully, moving his hands as he mentioned how he thought the children had the brightest smiles he had ever seen, until he saw the teacher. He swallowed and explained to Kibum how bright his smile had been, it had made Minho forget about everything. Instead he felt himself feeling happier and being mesmerised by the brightness of his smile.
“Hrm,” Kibum continued to blow dry Minho’s hair, “That sounds like one of my friends, he’s a preschool teacher.” Kibum explain, “He just works around here, down at that preschool at the corner of,” He paused frowning slightly, “Ah I mean opposite the park, do you know it?” Minho stared curiously up at Kibum, before he nodded his head ever so slightly, it had been at that street crossing that he had seen the children and that teacher.
“Oh, I see,” Minho mumbled feeling awkward because he had just literally sat there and talked nonstop about that guy. He felt embarrassed at how at the first sign of human affection and consideration he had just started to talk about a random encounter. “Sorry, I guess I um, haven’t had anyone to talk to for a while.” Minho felt like his jaw actually ached from talking so much.
“It’s fine,” Kibum eagerly nodded his head smiling sweetly, he thought it was kind of cute how Minho had just gone on and on about the teacher like that. “Really it’s fine, no problem,” He nodded again, trying to reassure Minho. “I should probably get going, but I’ll leave you my card, and if you feel like talking we can do it again.”
ΞΘΞ
Despite his reluctance to venture outside of his apartment, once Minho’s hair was cut and trimmed he felt strangely confident to go out. The day was bright and sunny, even if it was a little on the cool side, he walked briskly to the little corner shops, eyes widening as he saw the hair salon where Kibum worked, he hadn’t realised that he worked so close. He stopped for a second and then continued into the grocery shop mindlessly walking down the aisles.
“Minho-ssi?”
Minho turned to see Kibum standing there, holding a basket in one hand, smiling as he stepped closer to Minho. He hadn’t expected to see him, he assumed that he would be working not shopping. Minho managed a smile, wondering if Kibum was alone or with someone else.
“I thought that was you,” Kibum smiled softly across at him, “how are you doing?” Minho glanced up, freezing slightly as he saw that super smiley guy touching Kibum on the arm and looking across curiously at Minho. He felt embarrassed for talking about him to Kibum since they knew each other. “Oh Minho-ssi, this is my friend, Lee Jinki, he’s a preschool teacher.”
“Hi, nice to meet you,” Minho mumbled, eyes flashing as Jinki stumbled and was in front of him, his hand thrust forward to grasp Minho’s. He was still smiling and almost invading Minho’s personal space but he found that he didn’t mind too much. It was strange and awkward, but the way Jinki smiled so brightly at him, Minho found that the pain inside his chest felt slightly better, like a smile that bright could actually cure heartbreak.
“Nice to meet you too,” Jinki smiled brightly, “Ah finally I know your name, you’re looking happier today which is a relief.” Jinki babbled away happily, his whole face lit up like the sun by his smile, “Anyway I better go, I’m only on my lunch break, but here is my business card.” Jinki tugged a worn wallet out of his back pocket, opening it and Minho blinked in surprise wondering why he was giving him his business card, but he took it anyway.
Minho tilted his head to the side, frowning slightly as he watched Lee Jinki stumble off, almost skipping as he disappeared down the aisle. He reminded Minho of a child, a naïve child, the way he smiled so brightly and the way he moved, it was kind of disconcerting but somehow refreshing to see someone move so freely, even if he did seem clumsy.
“So, was that the preschool teacher?”
Minho turned back to find Kibum studying him intently, slender eyes narrowed as he eyed Minho carefully. Minho tried to nod his head casually, resisting the urge to look back and see if Jinki had made it safely out of the supermarket yet.
“Ah I thought so,” Kibum smirked, “I guess I better get back to work too.” Kibum shrugged, and Minho found himself wondering again why Kibum and Jinki were in the supermarket in the middle of the day. “Lunch hour is pretty much over, fuck, trust Jinki to leave me with the groceries.” Kibum mumbled softly, more to himself, making Minho frown.
“Hope things improve for you soon,” Kibum smiled brightly across at Minho, “I’ve got to dash, but um phone me if you need someone to talk to.”
Minho opened his mouth to reply but Kibum was gone just like that. Minho breathed in deeply, and looked down at the business card he was holding, running his fingers along the edges of it as he read the name, and the phone number across the top. Minho thought of throwing it in the bin, he couldn’t quite understand why someone like that, someone as bright as sunshine had given a sad lonely person like him the business card. Instead Minho found himself pushing into the back of his wallet, somehow he didn’t want to throw it out.
The grocery store ended up costing him more than he expected, because aimlessly walking down the aisles reminded him of all the things he had run out of. Minho sighed as he eyed the full trolley, as he pushed it through the check out, Kibum and Jinki long forgotten from his memories. He was getting low in cash, and winced as he realised he would soon have to go back to work. The thought of that made Minho feel sick, he had met Jonghyun there, even if he no longer worked there the place still reminded Minho of Jonghyun.
ΞΘΞ
Minho glared at his reflection in the mirror, he looked like death. Sighing softly he tied the tie, slipping into his jacket and then he left the bedroom. Minho breathed in deeply, he felt shattered and exhausted, it was the earliest he had woken up in weeks. Minho yawned as he walked out the front door, walking briskly down the streets, making a right turn and then a left.
Since he had bumped into Kibum and Jinki a week earlier, he had seen no one and talked to no one, aside from the people in shops with their meaningless greetings. Minho was completely lost in his thoughts as he walked to work, until something bumped into him. Minho frowned and turned to see Jinki standing there sheepishly running his hand through his hair.
“Hey Minho-ssi,” Jinki replied brightly, standing up straight and beaming up at Minho, “Are you going to work?” Minho frowned and then nodded his head, the frown starting to slip as he saw the way Jinki covered his mouth and shook his head mumbling to himself, “Uh duh, of course Minho-ssi’s going to work, what an idiot I am!” The corners of Minho’s mouth started to curve up slightly, he couldn’t help himself.
“It’s such a lovely morning, do you have time for a quick coffee?” Jinki asked flapping his arms to either side to encompass the light crisp air around them. Minho checked his watch, he didn’t really have time, but the way Jinki stood there blinking at him, with that damn smile, somehow Minho found himself nodding his head.
Minho watched Jinki carefully as he lead him down some little side street and into a little café. Minho resisted the urge to look at his watch, his first day back and he was going to be late. But as he saw in the café, watching Jinki chatter away animatedly he realised that he didn’t really mind that much.
ΞΘΞ
Jonghyun constantly remained in Minho’s thoughts. Sometimes it felt as if some part of Jonghyun had taken up permanent residence in his brain. At times Jonghyun wouldn’t be in his thoughts but then something would trigger it and it would all come flooding back. Minho missed him so much, his chest had a great gaping hole where Jonghyun should be. Sometimes Minho didn’t think it would ever get better. He was never going to move on, and what hurt was the fact that Jonghyun had never even explained why he left Minho. Perhaps that was why Minho couldn’t move on, because he didn’t understand anything. He had been given no reason and his heart just ached for Jonghyun, for him to explain why and because he just missed him so much.
Strangely Jinki helped him feel a little better, but he couldn’t take away the whole ache. But Minho liked spending time with Jinki because he was so different to Jonghyun. He almost never reminded him of the other boy, except that they were both goofy at times. Jonghyun had been proud of himself (and rightly so), and he would strut around the house all cocky and gorgeous. He had been sexy, and just generally amazing. Jonghyun had made Minho so happy, now most of his happiness was gone. Jonghyun’s voice could melt Minho, his singing voice was so amazing. Hearing Jonghyun sing had been one of his favourite things in the world, but it was gone now except for a few home recorded cd’s that were too painful to listen to.
Jinki by contrast was clumsy and shy, and somehow innocent. But when Jinki smiled, Minho felt as if light filled his chest up, and he felt happiness. It was strange, odd even. Minho frowned, stopping in his cleaning when he realised he had been spending a lot of time with Jinki lately. It had been a month or something like that since they had had that first coffee, Minho blinked his eyes in shock. It still felt like yesterday that Jonghyun had left him, but in reality it had been months.
It still hurt to think of Jonghyun, but at least Jinki was like a ray of light in Minho’s life. It felt like Jinki was the only good thing in his life. He was just so full of energy and life, probably from working in the preschool with all the toddlers and kids. Minho smiled as he heard the sound of the doorbell, he never worried once that Jinki would replace Jonghyun because he didn’t think it was possible. No one would ever replace Jonghyun in his heart.
ΞΘΞ
“I’m always going to be single!” Jinki moaned to the empty kitchen, eyes mournfully resting on the refrigerator, “Aren’t I, Mr Fridge? No one will ever like me romantically.” Jinki sighed, his chest heaving greatly as he stood there moping. Jinki knew he shouldn’t complain, even if he was right. But he knew there were so many other people worse off than him.
“Hyung are you talking to the fridge?” Taemin asked laughing as he peeked around the edge of the counter, “And don’t be so melodramatic. Just because you’re single now doesn’t mean you always will be. You dated that cute guy, Changsun was it? And there was Junhyung before that,” Taemin reminded Jinki with a shake of his fingers.
“I know, it’s just, yeah I met this guy through Kibum-ah sorta.” Jinki sighed heavily, “the thing is he’s so good looking, there is no way he’s single. But I’ve never heard him mention a girl or guy before. I don’t know, but I know I shouldn’t get my hopes up. There is no way he’d like someone like me.” Jinki slumped down at the table, eyes downcast, so that Taemin almost pitied him.
“Hyung, you moan too much.” Taemin rolled his eyes, “And it’s not like you even try, so stop moping. Plus you’re not so ugly anyway. I don’t know why you always assume no one will ever like you.” Taemin patted Jinki on the shoulder, smiling brightly down on him. It was rare for Jinki to have these depressive moods, but it did happen occasionally. When Jinki let down his walls, and let one glimpse into his fragile interior.
ΞΘΞ
Jinki was beaming when Minho finally opened the door. The light and happiness streaming into the room via Jinki’s crinkled up eyes, and his pearly white teeth. It took several seconds for Minho to notice he was holding a bunch of blood red roses, and Jinki looked embarrassed. Minho batted his eyes slowly, making him look like a slight retard as he pondered over why Jinki was bringing him flowers.
“I didn’t actually ah, buy them for you.” Jinki ran his hand through his hair, managing to mess it up completely, but he still looked adorable. “They were given to a friend of mine, and he ah, well he didn’t want them.” Minho nodded his head slowly, his own smile fading away. Minho felt a slight jolt, he was happy when he thought that Jinki had brought them for him. Minho gulped, feeling nervous for a second, surely it didn’t mean he liked Jinki more than a friend.
“Oh, it sounds so bad!” Jinki paled, seeing how Minho’s expression had fallen, “Um, he asked me, no he made me promise to give them to someone I cared about. Ahhh, I wasn’t meant to say any of this.” Jinki lowered his head in embarrassment, unknowingly making Minho smile with the way he acted. Minho reached across at gently took the bouquet from Jinki’s arms.
“Well they’re beautiful,” Minho turned to find a vase, and he realised for the first time that his heart was speeding up. Minho felt so conflicted, because Jonghyun was still there, very much present inside of his head and heart, yet he was feeling giddy from Jinki’s actions. Minho frowned, realising that he didn’t have a vase, although why would a bachelor have a vase. A large jar in the kitchen served the same purpose, and Minho wondered if it was just because someone was being so good to him that he felt giddy. Human affection after months or weeks of being alone, and starved of such things. Minho realised that it was a nice feeling, it was nice to know that someone cared, even if it wasn’t Jonghyun.
“I’m glad you like them,” Jinki shifted from one foot to the other looking strangely nervous, “I immediately thought of you when I saw them. I know it’s weird, a-and like yeah.” Minho looked up sharply, blinking his eyes, something was up with Jinki. He didn’t normally stutter this much, Minho frowned, wondering if something was wrong with him.
“Jinki-hyung, are you okay?” Minho stood in front of Jinki, watching him flick his hair back with his fingertips. He reminded Minho of a timid rabbit, glancing nervously up at him. “I mean, something seems odd, did you have a bad day?” Minho asked, frowning when he saw Jinki’s face light up, and he started to beam happily. It scared Minho slightly and he wondered why Jinki was like that.
“You know that’s the first time,” Jinki traced his finger across the table top lightly, “that you’ve asked me something about myself.” Jinki nodded his head slowly, looking up and right into Minho’s eyes happily. Minho, however felt guilty. Jinki had been so good to him, and he had been incredibly selfish. Minho bowed his head down towards Jinki, deciding to remedy that fact.
“Oh, I’m sorry? Where do you live, Jinki-hyung. And who with?” Minho asked realising that Jinki had never once invited him over to his house for a drink or anything. Minho realised he was curious to know about that, and he couldn’t help but wonder if he was single or taken.
“I live with Kibum, you’ve met him before right? And another guy called Taemin.” Jinki kept on smiling, looking so radiant that Minho felt himself feeling happier too. Although part of him still wondered where Jonghyun was and what he was doing. Why had he left Minho? That question would never leave Minho alone, it was always in the back of his mind. Why did Jonghyun go, or rather what did Minho do to drive him away.
“You should come over some time,” Jinki quickly nodded his head, “Ah what about on the weekend? Would you be free? ‘Cause we’d all be home on the weekend, and I’d like you to meet Taemin too.” Jinki nodded his head so quickly, that Minho could tell he really meant it, he wasn’t just saying it. Minho smiled, he thought he’d like that too.
“Yeah I’m free on the weekend, I’d really like that too,” Minho forced himself to smile. He wasn’t lying, but it was always the weekends when he thought about Jonghyun at the most. Because the weekend had been their days, and so on one level it felt like he was betraying Jonghyun, but then that also sounded ridiculous. Jonghyun had left him, Minho realised he had to move on. He had to accept that Jonghyun would never be back, Minho smiled warmer across at Jinki, glad he had met him. If he hadn’t met Jinki he figured that he would still be stuck in a major depressive state. It wasn’t that he no longer suffered depression that Jonghyun had left him, because he still did. But at least he had someone to talk to about Jonghyun, and someone who would distract him from thoughts of Jonghyun.
ΞΘΞ
“What are we doing?” Minho’s eyes widened in disbelief as Jinki waved his arms around, explaining animatedly what he meant. “Really? Okay, sure why not.” Minho grinned nodded his head happily.
“Yeah I know it’s weird, but I got it cheaply off a friend. Um, but they said in the past they really wanted one.” Jinki waved his hands animatedly, “And they’re out this morning. So we can set it up, and then you can meet them during lunch time?” Jinki sounded so eager, that Minho found himself laughing and agreeing.
Half an hour later, there was no laughter as Jinki and Minho read through the instruction booklet for the water bed. Jinki blinked and then tried to connect everything, frowning when he saw a little bit of tape across the mattress. Finally after another hour they had sorted it out, and nervously they stepped back to survey their work.
“Shall we test it out?” Jinki bit his lip, “Make sure it’s you know, okay?” Minho quickly nodded his head, personally if he was going to get a water bed he would want to make sure it was okay. Minho watched as Jinki gingerly sat down on the bed, before shifting to lie down. Minho had this urge to jump on Jinki, and just kiss him. These urges were starting to scare him. He hated himself for liking someone else, but at the same time Jonghyun was gone. So there was nothing to stop him, except his stubborn heart that wanted to cling to Jonghyun.
“Minho-ah, you should get on too!” Jinki sat up grinning at him. With a nod of his head, Minho climbed onto the bed, eyes widening as he felt it rocking under him. Minho went to shift, but somehow he ended up sliding towards Jinki. Minho breathed in deeply, as he ended up lying next to Jinki, their faces inches apart. Minho gulped, leaning in to kiss Jinki across the lips when the sound of the door made Jinki leap up. Minho couldn’t understand why he wanted to kiss Jinki, he wasn’t Jonghyun. Part of him was relieved for the interruption. It still felt too soon, and wrong to even think about liking someone else.
ΞΘΞ
Minho found that as the weeks passed by, he was spending even more time with Jinki. One Friday night they had been watching movies on the couch. Jinki was laughing nonstop, until he spilled his drink all down the front of his shirt. Jinki’s face had gone so serious in that instant, and Minho had swallowed nervously while Jinki had changed his clothes. Maybe, it would be possible to move past Jonghyun, even if he would never forget him. But Minho felt as if he had seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and now he knew there was a way forward.
“Oops, sorry I uh-uh should go.” Jinki stuttered shyly by the front door until Minho reached for his hand. Pressing his larger palm down on top of Jinki’s, “Wh-what are you doing?” Jinki tilted his head up looking so insecure and nervous, but Minho could see light in his eyes, happiness and it felt contagious.
“It’s late, stay the night.” Minho suggested not even sure where the words had come from, “there is a spare bedroom, I’m not saying you have to sleep with me.” Minho bit his tongue, he was clearly saying far too much tonight, from the way Jinki’s eyes widened in surprise.
“Oh, um,” Jinki just stood there, until Minho pulled his fingers away from the door frame and pulled back into the house. “I guess it is kind of late, um I better ring Kibum or something so he doesn’t worry.” Minho nodded his head, gripping Jinki’s hand tightly, a part of him wondered what the hell he was doing. But at the same time it felt right.
Minho tried to busy himself so he didn’t listen while Jinki was on the phone. But a part of him inside was taut, and unsure. Minho bit his lip when Jinki emerged smiling triumphantly. Minho felt like he was back in high school, a friend having just phoned his parents for permission. Minho grinned back, realising that they needed no one’s permission. Minho led Jinki into the spare room, but instead of leaving he found himself standing there watching Jinki.
It had been months, months since he had felt the touch of another person against his body. Minho didn’t think but rather acted, moving swiftly next to Jinki. Jinki looked surprised but when Minho traced the outline of Jinki’s jaw, his eyes slid shut. Minho’s heart felt as if it would explode in his chest, as he began to unbutton Jinki’s shirt his fingers moving frantically at first but then he slowed down, wanting to savour this moment.
The way Jinki’s mouth felt against Minho’s made every nerve in his body hum yes! yes! yes! Jinki shifted under Minho, letting out soft moans as Minho kissed his way down Jinki’s body. The feel of Jinki underneath him, the firm hard body made Minho shiver, little tremors of desire shooting down his body. Minho couldn’t stop touching Jinki, fingers tracing down smooth limbs and stroking Jinki to complete hardness. Every fibre of Minho’s being urging him on, and the way Jinki panted his name out like a mantra made Minho lose himself in the sensations of being with Jinki.
ΞΘΞ
Minho breathed out slowly and evenly, opening his eyes carefully as the sun streamed in. The curtains had been left open, the sunlight illuminating the room brightly so there could be no doubt in Minho’s mind. Gently he rolled onto his side, staring at the sleeping naked body next to him. Something inside of him ached, he had betrayed Jonghyun. But at the same time, Jonghyun had left him so there was no betrayal. Minho smiled slightly as he watched the sunlight dance across Jinki’s face, making the older male scrunch up his face slightly. Minho, realised as he stared at Jinki, that even if he felt like he betrayed Jonghyun, there was no regret.
“Hi, good morning,” Jinki mumbled sleepily, catching Minho unaware. He thought Jinki had still been asleep, too busy lost in his thoughts to even notice him stirring. Minho glanced down at Jinki, catching him biting his lip and looking slightly unsure and nervous.
“Good morning, did you sleep well?” Minho smiled, resisting the urge to put his arm around Jinki’s shoulder. It scared him, the realisation that he did like Jinki. It wasn’t just ‘I need someone to hold me’, because he still felt strongly for Jinki. Minho could still remember the first time he had slept with someone after Jonghyun had left. It had been one of his old friends that he had always been attracted to. But in the morning, Minho had felt it was wrong, he just wanted him to leave. This he realised was different.
“Yeah I did um best sleep in a while,” Jinki blushed, “But… but I have to ask. What this means.” Jinki bit on his lip, gesturing between them carefully. Minho watched him breathe, chest heaving slightly. Minho wanted to push away the fear inside him, he could feel it pulsing. But Minho was no coward, and he could feel happiness flooding his chest.
“What do you mean?” Minho asked carefully.
“Last night, I just want to know if it was one off, because of um, you know, him?” Jinki cautiously looked into Minho’s eyes, “I mean, I don’t want it to be. But if you only want sex, then I’m not sure how I feel about that.” Minho winced slightly, wishing they didn’t have to talk about it now, but at the same time he understood. Jinki didn’t want to be used.
“I still love him,” Minho swallowed and then nodded his head, turning to look at Jinki carefully, “But I definitely do like you too. I think I’ll always love him, but I think I want to try things with you.” Minho reached for Jinki then, smiling as he slipped his arms around the other male’s body. He felt at peace with himself, happy that he had made the right decision. Jinki beamed across at him, shifting to cuddle against Minho’s body. The sunlight was warm across their skin as they lay there, exploring and getting to know each other again.
ΞΘΞ
“So you’re trying to tell me, you still love Jonghyun, but you like Jinki too?” Changmin laughed lightly, “Man that is messed up. How does that even work?” Minho felt his jaw tighten in irritation, his muscles tensing as his friend stood there, beer in his hand listening.
“Yes, I don’t know but it is possible,” Minho just managed to keep his irritation out of his voice, but the flash of anger in his eyes was a dead giveaway. “I don’t know either, but if Jonghyun walked in again, I would still love him.”
“And Jinki, you’d just dump him?” Changmin prompted.
“Well that’s where it gets complicated.” Minho frowned, “I really like him too, aish I don’t know why I’m even worrying about this. He’s gone, I just need to more forward and forget him.”
“Jinki seems sweet too, I mean he’s kind of perfect for you.” Changmin nodded his head, “Or maybe everyone is just perfect with you.” He rolled his eyes, “Because Jonghyun was too.” Minho frowned across at Changmin, not liking the way he said that.
“I don’t know. But Jinki makes me happy, really happy. I think,” Minho paused to wet his lip, “Jinki makes me as happy as Jonghyun did.” Changmin just stared across at Minho in shock, his expression mirroring how Minho felt at making such an admission.
ΞΘΞ
Two months passed by quickly, and Minho found that he was just as happy with Jinki as he had been with Jonghyun. It was strange, almost surreal because he still talked about Jonghyun on a regular basis, he still thought about him all the time. Jonghyun had a permanent home in Minho’s heart and thoughts, and at times he still wanted to just sit down and cry over Jonghyun leaving him. Minho sometimes wondered why Jinki put up with him, why he was still there when Minho still liked Jonghyun, although on some level he thought his feelings might be fading.
Jinki often stayed over at his house, and one day Minho realised it was four or five nights a week. Minho found Jinki’s clothes and toothbrush in the house, and it gave him warm fuzzy feelings. That was when Minho decided to invite Jinki to move in. Smiling Minho cleaned the house quickly, Jinki was on his way around and he said that he’d tell Minho his decision. Minho was pretty sure he’d accept his offer to move in, he’d cleaned out the last of Jonghyun’s possessions dumping them in boxes in the garage.
The sound of the doorbell had Minho racing to get the door, grinning widely he opened it to see Jinki standing there holding a bunch of flowers. Minho blushed slightly, it was a bit weird getting flowers from Jinki, but sweet at the same time. Minho bent his head down to smell them, shutting his eyes as he breathed in the delicate scent. The sound of Jinki clearing his throat made Minho looked up, he loved how awkward Jinki still was around him. The way Jinki blushed, but he stood there looking so incredibly happy, as he gazed warmly across at Minho.
“I uh, made my decision,” Jinki grinned, swinging his arms from side to side. Jinki opened his mouth to speak again, beaming happily, when the sound of the door made him turn in surprise. Minho frowned, it sounded like someone was trying to break in. The door swung open, and Minho stepped towards the entrance way, and his jaw dropped open as he saw who was standing there. Oh my god, Jonghyun! Jonghyun’s hair was shorter and a dark rich brown, it had been bleached at the tips when he left Minho, but he thought he looked handsome like that, even if he was a little thin and pale. Minho felt frozen and he didn’t know how to react, to his surprise he realised Jonghyun was staring at Jinki.
“Hyung, what the hell are you doing here?”
Minho blinked and looked from Jonghyun to Jinki, staring when he saw the shocked expression across Jinki’s face. Minho felt as if he might crumble to the floor, his body shaking as he stared across at Jonghyun. Minho thought he must be hallucinating there was no way that Jonghyun was right there in front of him. It was impossible.
“Jonghyunnie, what are you doing here?” Jinki frowned looking confused, “Aren’t you meant to be in the ward?” Jonghyun shrugged and then he turned to look at Minho, his eyes brightening and he smiled so sweetly that Minho felt his heart shattering. Minho swallowed and ran across the room, pulling Jonghyun into his arms and just holding him. Minho was conscious that maybe, he shouldn’t be doing this in front of Jinki, but then he figured it was only a hug.
“Sorry Minho,” Jonghyun murmured patted Minho’s back lightly, “I didn’t want to hurt you, but I know I did.” Jonghyun sighed softly, and Minho didn’t know what to say or do. Minho wanted to cling to Jonghyun, but he pulled back, shooting an apologetic look towards Jinki. Minho hoped Jinki wasn’t too upset, but judging from the way his lips were pressed in a straight line, he was upset. Biting his lip, Minho went to stand next to Jinki, eyeing Jonghyun curiously. Why had he just come back like that? Did he just expect things to go back to how they were, as if Jonghyun had never left?
“So why did you leave me?” Minho felt his anger returning when he saw Jinki’s sad expression, and it felt as if Jonghyun was just playing with them. He had been happy to see Jonghyun, but he couldn’t just forgive him outright and there was Jinki to consider. “Huh? And now you come back, do you expect me to just forgive you.” Minho crossed his arms in front of his chest.
“I have cancer, throat cancer,” Jonghyun murmured softly, eyes downcast and Minho just stared at him not really believing him. “I left because I didn’t want you to suffer or see me going downhill. I remembered how much it upset you when your grandmother died of cancer.” Jonghyun nodded his head slowly, shifting from one foot to the other.
“Do you really expect me to believe that?” Minho frowned and shook his head, “Jjong, I can’t just believe you.” Minho’s frown deepened when Jonghyun pointed to Jinki, and he didn’t understand why they acted like they knew each other. For a second Minho felt sick wondering if this was some sick conspiracy, if the whole thing had been a set up.
“He’s telling the truth, Minho.” Jinki sighed and nodded his head looking sad, “I worked at the hospital where he was getting treatment.” Jinki chewed on his lip, as Minho turned to gape at Jinki, but then he figured that must be where he volunteered. Now he could understand why Jinki didn’t really want to talk about it. But Minho still felt betrayed that Jinki and Jonghyun had kept this from him. Minho shook his head as he gazed from one to the other, was this some kind of crazy set up? What the hell was going on? It hurt to try and make sense of anything, and gazing from Jonghyun’s puppy dog face to Jinki’s crestfallen one, was making his heart ache.
“I don’t care,” Minho frowned and shook his head firmer, “Just get out. I can’t face either of you right now. Both of you just leave!” Minho dropped the bouquet on the floor, his head aching as he saw the flowers scattered across the floor. Minho swallowed, stepping forward to reach for Jinki, he didn’t mean for him to leave, or to shout at him but Minho realised he was completely alone.
ΞΘΞ
idk if this is okay or not ._.
man it was such a HUGE drama to post this -.-
Author: argh (@ oneuldo)
Rating: PG-13
Length: 8,915
Pairing: Jonghyun/Minho, Onew/Minho (OT3 later...)
Summary: About broken hearts, falling in love and rekindling old loves.
(I fail with summaries :/ and I just decided to post this so I'd hurry up and finish it D:)
Dedication: this is a super late 50 member request from onho written for shan_ah_non I'm sorry if you hate this D: and if you do honestly hate it, feel free to tell me and I will rewrite it! ♥
Warnings: unbeta-ed! (So if you spot any mistakes ;__; like my excessive comma abuse LOL please point it out?)
Notes: Decided to post this ... so I actually get around to finishing it! D:
Without You
Jonghyun x Minho x Jinki
For shah_ah_non <333
(sorry I hope this isn’t too angsty, I swear I always end up writing it when I’m sitting here bawling my eyes out. :/ fun times are fun.)
ΞΘΞ
Minho groaned as he woke up, and for several peaceful moments he lay there just enjoying the fact that he did not have to rush up for anything. Minho had taken three months of paid leave from his work, he was incredibly lucky that they had agreed to it. He sighed contentedly and rolled over onto his side, smiling as he eyes as he opened them to greet his boyfriend. Minho pouted slightly when he saw that the bed was empty, and he frowned and sat up sleepily, wondering if he was in the shower. He peered over towards the bathroom and blinked when he saw the door was open and there was silence not the sound of running water.
He lay back down again, figuring Jonghyun was probably writing a song or reading the paper, he shrugged and snuggled back into the sheets. It was only when he woke up again that he was filled with a sense of foreboding, and something felt off. He frowned and got up slowly and it was only when he walked over to the closet that he noticed that all of Jonghyun’s belongings were missing. Minho felt his heart being crushed when he opened the closet and saw that it was half empty. Where Jonghyun’s clothes should be hanging there was nothing but empty rack space.
Minho could barely move, and his eyes were watering by the time he found the note downstairs. He could feel his heart breaking as he read every word. Minho, I’m so sorry, but I can’t stay here with you anymore. Please forget about me and just move on. I won’t ever be coming back. I love you, but I can’t stay here, sorry. - Jonghyun. He read it over and over, until the words were smudged and blurred from his salty tears. But Minho had the words engraved in his heart, it hurt so much. For hours he sat there clutching the sodden paper, unable to move or do anything but cry.
He could not understand why Jonghyun had suddenly left him. They had been so happy - the night before Jonghyun had kissed him so tenderly and told him over and over that he loved him. But then he was gone, with no warning, no nothing. Minho could not make any sense of it, and he was grateful that he didn’t have to go to work because he was in no shape to work.
For weeks Minho sat in their apartment moping, he did not move, or rarely eat. He had no will or energy to do anything, his heart hurt too much. He could make no sense of why Jonghyun had left him. Minho’s mood was as black as the blackest clouds, and he barely moved from the bed. After a month of moping around his house feeling depressed Minho realised he had to go out to buy some things, and with reluctance he showered and dressed to go out. It felt so strange to venture out of the house, and even though the sun was shining his mood was still bleak. Minho felt old and terrible, he walked slowly towards the pedestrian crossing. Everything just felt wrong without Jonghyun, nothing felt right at all.
He was about to walk across when he noticed that there was a sea of colourful hats, and the crossing was full of preschoolers. He blinked and stopped at the side to let them pass - he didn’t stare at them, he just stared at nothing in particular, but after some time he looked over to see if they had gone. He blinked as he met the gaze of the teacher at the back, and he stopped dead as the teacher smiled brightly across at him.
“Thank you for waiting, I hope you have a great day!” The teacher smiled so much, his eyes practically disappeared, but Minho found that his lips curved up a little in almost a smile and nodding his head at this teacher. He hadn’t smiled for a month and it felt so strange, but somehow he found that he did not feel quite so depressed. Minho crossed the street, but he turned back to glance at the back of the teacher, he decided that he should’ve come out more - it obviously would have improved his mood.
ΞΘΞ
Jinki smiled brightly as he walked in the front of the apartment, trying not to roll his eyes as he saw Kibum and Taemin sprawled across the couch, munching on snacks. Jinki waved across at Kibum, who waved back when he finally heard the sound of Jinki’s feet across the tiles. Taemin, however kept his eyes glued to the television, until Kibum whacked him lightly in the side for being rude.
“Hey hyung, how was the hospital?” Kibum asked, pushing Taemin’s legs off his lap, getting up and walking over to where Jinki was putting his bag down. Kibum could see something was troubling the older man, his smiled seemed slightly forced. Sometimes Kibum wanted to tell Jinki to slow down, to stop volunteering and just concentrate on his day job.
“It was okay.” Jinki breathed out slowly, carefully avoiding Kibum’s gaze as he fiddled with the tie around his neck, “There was a new guy admitted today, from another place,” Kibum nodded his head, waiting patiently for Jinki to continue.
“He was younger than me,” Jinki nodded his head slowly, “It’s so hard Kibum-ah, seeing people younger than me, you know?” Jinki sighed, but then a pair of skinny arms wrapped around his waist. Jinki blinked and smiled when he saw Taemin had wrapped himself around the older male. It was funny because they were like a family even if they weren’t related. Although sometimes Jinki got jealous when he saw Taemin and Kibum together, sometimes he wished to have something like that.
“Ah it’s okay hyung. I mean he might be okay, you don’t know his situation or anything.” Kibum shrugged, patting Jinki’s arm lightly, “Don’t let it upset you, Come on let’s eat dinner now. Taeminnie’s starving, and he has exams soon so he needs to study.” Kibum reminded Jinki, who smiled down at the youngest before he nodded his head.
ΞΘΞ
The next day Minho forced himself to go out for a walk, even though he felt so incredibly sad, it was his birthday and he was all alone, doing nothing. It was a day that he strongly missed Jonghyun, and he just wanted to curl into his sheets and cry. But since the previous days excursion had made him feel so much better he decided he needed to go out. He wondered around the streets feeling hollow and empty, and by the time he got home, his mood was just as bad as when he had left. He sighed softly and sank down onto the couch, wondering what he should do now. Minho sighed heavily, if anything he felt worse after going out then he had before hand.
He groaned when he remembered that his mother was coming round later to bring him a present and he still had no groceries. He forced himself to go the supermarket, and he wondered around the store in a daze. He had no idea what to buy and grabbed a heap of instant noodles, and he went to find some tea. When he was walking towards the aisle with the tea - a tomato suddenly rolled past his foot. Minho barely even noticed it, but when a second tomato stopped inches away from his foot he blinked feeling sick. The tomatoes were the only brightness in a sea of dull grey.
Somehow the simple act of a tomato rolling past, made him feel terrible. Tomatoes reminded him of Jonghyun, it was insane but that simple act of one rolling past just brought it all back. Minho felt crippled with sadness as he remembered how Jonghyun had opened the fridge and dropped a tomato on the floor, standing on it seconds later. He had come in moments later and freaked out thinking that Jonghyun had cut himself, and after that they had slept together for the first time.
So seeing the tomato felt like the most painful reminder of what he had lost. Minho clutched his chest, feeling like bursting into tears, it felt like someone was stabbing him in the chest repeatedly. He swallowed and knew he had to get out of there fast. He stepped back, backing into a vegetable stand as another tomato hit his foot, and he felt like crying, as his back hit the edge of the vegetable stand, causing it to shake behind him, the thunk of other vegetables falling echoed the sound of his heart breaking again.
Minho shut his eyes and he was about to cry when he felt someone touch his hand, and Minho’s first thought was that it was Jonghyun. The black cloud of depression lifted, and for the first time in weeks he felt like sunshine was blinding him. He opened his eyes hopefully, blinking away tears, Jonghyun’s name on his lips and he glanced around, his heart pounding so fast.
“Are you okay?”
Minho turned and all his hopes crumbled as he saw someone who was not Jonghyun looking worried at him. Minho swallowed and then slowly nodded his head, and for a second he thought the guy looked familiar. He shook it off and went to walk away, but the guy bit his lip and ducked his head down, and Minho remembered he had seen him with the school children at the crossing.
“I’m fine.” Minho replied tersely, and he went to walk away, but the guy moved to stand in front of him, and he something clench in his chest as he saw the guy smile, his smile was like pure sunshine. Somehow it made him feel slightly better despite the tomatoes, despite the fact that the love of his life was still gone. He slowly nodded his head, and went to step away.
“Okay, well if you ever want to talk.” The other guy stammered slightly, looking so shy, “Sorry, I guess that’s a bit too forward.” He scratched his head, “I’m so sorry, you just looked so sad.” He nodded his head, biting into his lip, “Sorry, I kind of talk too much when I’m nervous.” He laughed, sounding so painfully awkward that Minho just stared in surprise at him.
“I’m sorry for dropping the tomatoes too, I’ll pick them up and stop harassing you.” He nodded his head, and Minho stared, noticing that the other guy’s cheeks were a faint red. He felt intrigued and strange, so he kept quiet and didn’t say anything. It was weird, on one level and Minho’s chest ached because it brought it back that Jonghyun was gone, but somehow this guy made him curious about life. It was strange because he felt depressed but the other half of him suddenly had this urge to live again.
ΞΘΞ
“I saw a really sad looking guy at the supermarket,” Jinki frowned slightly when he saw Taemin rolling his eyes at him slightly. “Like he was good looking, but that kind of faded away when you saw the sadness in his eyes. He looked like one of the patients.” Jinki ignored Taemin’s reaction, and sighed, feeling like he should’ve done more. Jinki put the groceries away slowly, his mind still focussed on that guy, and the grey that seemed to surround him.
“You didn’t give him one of your cards, did you hyung?” Taemin perched on the armrest of the couch, feet swinging as he peered up at Jinki. “God, you didn’t did you? Man that was so awful when that guy thought you were offering sexual services. Well it was kind of funny, but your face,” Taemin grinned, watching Jinki’s face go bright red again.
“No, uh, I didn’t.” Jinki firmly shook his head, “I’m going to shower.” As Jinki scurried away, Taemin sighed softly, wondering why Jinki always had such bad luck with love. He was a good looking guy, but somehow people never seemed to see him or like him. Maybe it was because he was too nice, and far too considerate. Taemin hoped that one day, someone would like and appreciate his hyung, because he hated to see him lonely.
ΞΘΞ
Minho’s good mood was short lived, once he was home with his groceries he just felt all his emotions welling up inside him. The slightly nauseous uneasy feeling was back with its butterflies, making him feel on edge as if he was waiting for something bad to happen. With each breath he took it felt as if his chest and throat was constricting, making it hard for him to breathe. Minho couldn’t help feeling panicky, the way his chest tightened and his throat seemed in close up, his limbs felt all shaky and jittery too. He felt as if he was walking along the edge of a cliff, about to fall or something incredibly bad was about to happen. Since Jonghyun had left, he seemed to be going round in circles, some weeks and days he was okay, but others everything just crushed him completely.
Minho hated this, he hated the fact that Jonghyun, who he had loved so much had just walked out and left him. He wanted to blame Jonghyun, but he felt as if the responsibility was with him. Minho figured he was to blame, he obviously did something so horrible and nasty that Jonghyun had to just leave him without explaining why. It made Minho feel complete contempt and hatred for himself, it was hard or impossible to push those feelings away.
There was no way he was fit to see anyone right now, especially his mother. Minho sent her a text message, struggling to write the words when he just felt so horrible, the feelings that pumped around his body were enough to drive him insane. The worst thing about it was that he wondered if it was his anxiety that driven Jonghyun away, this crippling anxiety that had forced Jonghyun to just leave, unable to stand the way Minho was some times. He shivered and put his phone down, lying on his bed and just squeezing his eyes shut.
Minho felt relieved he wouldn’t have to put up with his mother anymore, since she had always hated Jonghyun, and said he could’ve been with someone better. She was always rude about him, and Minho didn’t think he could put up with those kinds of remarks right now, the snide and cutting comments would just be too much. Minho curled onto his side, lying there until he heard a sound which piqued his curiosity because it sounded like someone was walking around in his house.
It was irrational the way he reacted - he didn’t even give himself to think anything through. Instead he leapt to his feet and ran down the stairs, breathing heavily as he ran towards the door, his brain was screaming furiously, Jonghyun! Oh god, Jonghyun is back! Jonghyun! Minho looked slightly deranged as he ran into the living room, clad only in his boxers, he stopped short when he noticed two people standing in the door way, looking somewhat horrified.
“Oh,” Minho panted softly, blinking his eyes as he gazed around still feeling hopeful that Jonghyun was there somewhere. Only when he had studied the entire room, he felt sick realising that Jonghyun was not there and he turned to see his mother and some unknown guy standing in the doorway. Minho wanted to cry, but he felt embarrassed too, he attempted to cover his chest with his hands.
“Hi,” Minho’s mother frowned across at him before turning to the guy at her side, “See this is why I wanted you to come,” she spoke to the other male, who had slanted, almost cat like eyes lined with black. His fringe was rainbow streaked, and if Minho hadn’t been so distraught he probably would’ve been incredibly fascinated with it. “I don’t know what is going on, but I am worried about him.”
Minho frowned, straightening up to his full height, he hated anyone talking about him in front of him. He hated his mother for disregarding his text message and just coming over like this, he turned on his heel and stalked out of the room. Ignoring the way her shrill voice called his name, he retreated up into his bedroom like a sulky teenager, slamming the door shut behind him. How dare she bring some fucking stranger into my house like that?
Minho paced around his room fuming, feeling pissed off about this whole thing, he just felt so angry at his mother. Who or what was that guy anyways and why was he in his house uninvited? Minho frowned, still pacing around the room when there was a quiet knock on the door, and despite himself he went over and answered the door, he hadn’t been brought up to be rude.
“Hi,” the guy answered, “I’m really sorry for just turning up like this, your mum kind of twisted my arm.” He offered a slightly painful smile, “Anyway I’m Kim Kibum, I work down at the hair salon where your mum goes.” Kibum nodded his head, ignoring the way Minho just practically glared at him, “She just thought I could do your hair, but I realise this is all really awkward.” Minho bit his lip and looked down, feeling bad, he could just imagine the scene now - his mother being so pushy and full on. He felt bad now for this Kim Kibum guy, he had probably been forced to take some time out of his work day to come here.
“I’m sorry too,” Minho mumbled, “things just haven’t been that good lately,” he looked down at the floor, shifting slightly, feeling embarrassed and mortified.
“Your mum left already,” Kibum coughed slightly, “So if me being here is a nuisance, I can just go.” He offered standing in the doorway, “I’m really sorry about this, I wasn’t sure how you’d take this either, a random stranger just inviting himself in your house.” Somehow Minho felt compelled to let him stay, he just nodded his head, somehow he couldn’t just tell him to go.
“Um it’s okay,” Minho decided not to mention that it was nice to talk to someone since he hadn’t talked to anyone for a while, the last conversation he had had was with that smiley guy at the supermarket. He blinked his eyes remembering the way the corners of his eyes had crinkled when he smiled, and how his smile had been so pure and happy, it made Minho forget everything and feel incredibly happy when he saw it. He frowned realising he was getting distracted.
“Anyway I mean, it’s fine, I probably need a haircut, I’ll just get dressed and come downstairs, is that okay?” He asked biting his lip, unaware of how upset but somehow achingly beautiful he looked. Kibum stiffly nodded his head before he shut the door softly behind him leaving Minho to dress.
Ten minutes later and Minho was seated downstairs in the kitchen, facing a large mirror that Kibum had produced from somewhere. Minho shut his eyes, shivering slightly as Kibum’s hands touched his hair, he wanted to reach up and grasp his hands. Because it had been so long since someone had touched him so tenderly, he just wanted to cry, it made him think of Jonghyun so badly. He bit his lip, trying to hold his emotions back as Kibum’s fingers touched his scalp, assessing his hair and trying to decide what to do.
“I don’t know what my mum told you,” Minho opened his eyes and met Kibum’s eyes in the mirror, “but it is nice to have some company.” Minho finished lamely, feeling like a prize idiot when he saw how Kibum’s eyes widened in surprised.
“She didn’t tell me much to be honest, just that you needed a haircut,” Kibum blinked his eyes, wondering how someone as good looking as Minho could be lacking for company. “And that you were a bit down,” he shrugged slightly, “So do you just want a trim or a new style?”
“Trim,” Minho replied instantly, but then when he looked in the mirror and he saw his long hair, the long hair that Jonghyun had loved so much, he shook his head, “No, I mean cut it all off.” He snapped, eyes narrowing down in anger. His emotions were all over the place, he couldn’t make up his mind, “Well at least make it shorter.”
Kibum curtly nodded his head, and they discussed Minho’s hair for a little bit longer. Somehow Minho found himself bringing up that guy he met, even though he had just met Kibum, he felt comfortable to talk to him. He told him how he met this preschool teacher, recounting the whole incident, down to the sea of little kids with their colourful clothes and hats and how they all had smiled so brightly, like little suns beaming up at him brightly. Perhaps it was the fact that Minho had not really talked to anyone for weeks - he had avoided all of his friends after he had slept with one of them and it had been awful. But now he just kept talking and couldn’t stop.
Minho gazed up almost wistfully, moving his hands as he mentioned how he thought the children had the brightest smiles he had ever seen, until he saw the teacher. He swallowed and explained to Kibum how bright his smile had been, it had made Minho forget about everything. Instead he felt himself feeling happier and being mesmerised by the brightness of his smile.
“Hrm,” Kibum continued to blow dry Minho’s hair, “That sounds like one of my friends, he’s a preschool teacher.” Kibum explain, “He just works around here, down at that preschool at the corner of,” He paused frowning slightly, “Ah I mean opposite the park, do you know it?” Minho stared curiously up at Kibum, before he nodded his head ever so slightly, it had been at that street crossing that he had seen the children and that teacher.
“Oh, I see,” Minho mumbled feeling awkward because he had just literally sat there and talked nonstop about that guy. He felt embarrassed at how at the first sign of human affection and consideration he had just started to talk about a random encounter. “Sorry, I guess I um, haven’t had anyone to talk to for a while.” Minho felt like his jaw actually ached from talking so much.
“It’s fine,” Kibum eagerly nodded his head smiling sweetly, he thought it was kind of cute how Minho had just gone on and on about the teacher like that. “Really it’s fine, no problem,” He nodded again, trying to reassure Minho. “I should probably get going, but I’ll leave you my card, and if you feel like talking we can do it again.”
ΞΘΞ
Despite his reluctance to venture outside of his apartment, once Minho’s hair was cut and trimmed he felt strangely confident to go out. The day was bright and sunny, even if it was a little on the cool side, he walked briskly to the little corner shops, eyes widening as he saw the hair salon where Kibum worked, he hadn’t realised that he worked so close. He stopped for a second and then continued into the grocery shop mindlessly walking down the aisles.
“Minho-ssi?”
Minho turned to see Kibum standing there, holding a basket in one hand, smiling as he stepped closer to Minho. He hadn’t expected to see him, he assumed that he would be working not shopping. Minho managed a smile, wondering if Kibum was alone or with someone else.
“I thought that was you,” Kibum smiled softly across at him, “how are you doing?” Minho glanced up, freezing slightly as he saw that super smiley guy touching Kibum on the arm and looking across curiously at Minho. He felt embarrassed for talking about him to Kibum since they knew each other. “Oh Minho-ssi, this is my friend, Lee Jinki, he’s a preschool teacher.”
“Hi, nice to meet you,” Minho mumbled, eyes flashing as Jinki stumbled and was in front of him, his hand thrust forward to grasp Minho’s. He was still smiling and almost invading Minho’s personal space but he found that he didn’t mind too much. It was strange and awkward, but the way Jinki smiled so brightly at him, Minho found that the pain inside his chest felt slightly better, like a smile that bright could actually cure heartbreak.
“Nice to meet you too,” Jinki smiled brightly, “Ah finally I know your name, you’re looking happier today which is a relief.” Jinki babbled away happily, his whole face lit up like the sun by his smile, “Anyway I better go, I’m only on my lunch break, but here is my business card.” Jinki tugged a worn wallet out of his back pocket, opening it and Minho blinked in surprise wondering why he was giving him his business card, but he took it anyway.
Minho tilted his head to the side, frowning slightly as he watched Lee Jinki stumble off, almost skipping as he disappeared down the aisle. He reminded Minho of a child, a naïve child, the way he smiled so brightly and the way he moved, it was kind of disconcerting but somehow refreshing to see someone move so freely, even if he did seem clumsy.
“So, was that the preschool teacher?”
Minho turned back to find Kibum studying him intently, slender eyes narrowed as he eyed Minho carefully. Minho tried to nod his head casually, resisting the urge to look back and see if Jinki had made it safely out of the supermarket yet.
“Ah I thought so,” Kibum smirked, “I guess I better get back to work too.” Kibum shrugged, and Minho found himself wondering again why Kibum and Jinki were in the supermarket in the middle of the day. “Lunch hour is pretty much over, fuck, trust Jinki to leave me with the groceries.” Kibum mumbled softly, more to himself, making Minho frown.
“Hope things improve for you soon,” Kibum smiled brightly across at Minho, “I’ve got to dash, but um phone me if you need someone to talk to.”
Minho opened his mouth to reply but Kibum was gone just like that. Minho breathed in deeply, and looked down at the business card he was holding, running his fingers along the edges of it as he read the name, and the phone number across the top. Minho thought of throwing it in the bin, he couldn’t quite understand why someone like that, someone as bright as sunshine had given a sad lonely person like him the business card. Instead Minho found himself pushing into the back of his wallet, somehow he didn’t want to throw it out.
The grocery store ended up costing him more than he expected, because aimlessly walking down the aisles reminded him of all the things he had run out of. Minho sighed as he eyed the full trolley, as he pushed it through the check out, Kibum and Jinki long forgotten from his memories. He was getting low in cash, and winced as he realised he would soon have to go back to work. The thought of that made Minho feel sick, he had met Jonghyun there, even if he no longer worked there the place still reminded Minho of Jonghyun.
ΞΘΞ
Minho glared at his reflection in the mirror, he looked like death. Sighing softly he tied the tie, slipping into his jacket and then he left the bedroom. Minho breathed in deeply, he felt shattered and exhausted, it was the earliest he had woken up in weeks. Minho yawned as he walked out the front door, walking briskly down the streets, making a right turn and then a left.
Since he had bumped into Kibum and Jinki a week earlier, he had seen no one and talked to no one, aside from the people in shops with their meaningless greetings. Minho was completely lost in his thoughts as he walked to work, until something bumped into him. Minho frowned and turned to see Jinki standing there sheepishly running his hand through his hair.
“Hey Minho-ssi,” Jinki replied brightly, standing up straight and beaming up at Minho, “Are you going to work?” Minho frowned and then nodded his head, the frown starting to slip as he saw the way Jinki covered his mouth and shook his head mumbling to himself, “Uh duh, of course Minho-ssi’s going to work, what an idiot I am!” The corners of Minho’s mouth started to curve up slightly, he couldn’t help himself.
“It’s such a lovely morning, do you have time for a quick coffee?” Jinki asked flapping his arms to either side to encompass the light crisp air around them. Minho checked his watch, he didn’t really have time, but the way Jinki stood there blinking at him, with that damn smile, somehow Minho found himself nodding his head.
Minho watched Jinki carefully as he lead him down some little side street and into a little café. Minho resisted the urge to look at his watch, his first day back and he was going to be late. But as he saw in the café, watching Jinki chatter away animatedly he realised that he didn’t really mind that much.
ΞΘΞ
Jonghyun constantly remained in Minho’s thoughts. Sometimes it felt as if some part of Jonghyun had taken up permanent residence in his brain. At times Jonghyun wouldn’t be in his thoughts but then something would trigger it and it would all come flooding back. Minho missed him so much, his chest had a great gaping hole where Jonghyun should be. Sometimes Minho didn’t think it would ever get better. He was never going to move on, and what hurt was the fact that Jonghyun had never even explained why he left Minho. Perhaps that was why Minho couldn’t move on, because he didn’t understand anything. He had been given no reason and his heart just ached for Jonghyun, for him to explain why and because he just missed him so much.
Strangely Jinki helped him feel a little better, but he couldn’t take away the whole ache. But Minho liked spending time with Jinki because he was so different to Jonghyun. He almost never reminded him of the other boy, except that they were both goofy at times. Jonghyun had been proud of himself (and rightly so), and he would strut around the house all cocky and gorgeous. He had been sexy, and just generally amazing. Jonghyun had made Minho so happy, now most of his happiness was gone. Jonghyun’s voice could melt Minho, his singing voice was so amazing. Hearing Jonghyun sing had been one of his favourite things in the world, but it was gone now except for a few home recorded cd’s that were too painful to listen to.
Jinki by contrast was clumsy and shy, and somehow innocent. But when Jinki smiled, Minho felt as if light filled his chest up, and he felt happiness. It was strange, odd even. Minho frowned, stopping in his cleaning when he realised he had been spending a lot of time with Jinki lately. It had been a month or something like that since they had had that first coffee, Minho blinked his eyes in shock. It still felt like yesterday that Jonghyun had left him, but in reality it had been months.
It still hurt to think of Jonghyun, but at least Jinki was like a ray of light in Minho’s life. It felt like Jinki was the only good thing in his life. He was just so full of energy and life, probably from working in the preschool with all the toddlers and kids. Minho smiled as he heard the sound of the doorbell, he never worried once that Jinki would replace Jonghyun because he didn’t think it was possible. No one would ever replace Jonghyun in his heart.
ΞΘΞ
“I’m always going to be single!” Jinki moaned to the empty kitchen, eyes mournfully resting on the refrigerator, “Aren’t I, Mr Fridge? No one will ever like me romantically.” Jinki sighed, his chest heaving greatly as he stood there moping. Jinki knew he shouldn’t complain, even if he was right. But he knew there were so many other people worse off than him.
“Hyung are you talking to the fridge?” Taemin asked laughing as he peeked around the edge of the counter, “And don’t be so melodramatic. Just because you’re single now doesn’t mean you always will be. You dated that cute guy, Changsun was it? And there was Junhyung before that,” Taemin reminded Jinki with a shake of his fingers.
“I know, it’s just, yeah I met this guy through Kibum-ah sorta.” Jinki sighed heavily, “the thing is he’s so good looking, there is no way he’s single. But I’ve never heard him mention a girl or guy before. I don’t know, but I know I shouldn’t get my hopes up. There is no way he’d like someone like me.” Jinki slumped down at the table, eyes downcast, so that Taemin almost pitied him.
“Hyung, you moan too much.” Taemin rolled his eyes, “And it’s not like you even try, so stop moping. Plus you’re not so ugly anyway. I don’t know why you always assume no one will ever like you.” Taemin patted Jinki on the shoulder, smiling brightly down on him. It was rare for Jinki to have these depressive moods, but it did happen occasionally. When Jinki let down his walls, and let one glimpse into his fragile interior.
ΞΘΞ
Jinki was beaming when Minho finally opened the door. The light and happiness streaming into the room via Jinki’s crinkled up eyes, and his pearly white teeth. It took several seconds for Minho to notice he was holding a bunch of blood red roses, and Jinki looked embarrassed. Minho batted his eyes slowly, making him look like a slight retard as he pondered over why Jinki was bringing him flowers.
“I didn’t actually ah, buy them for you.” Jinki ran his hand through his hair, managing to mess it up completely, but he still looked adorable. “They were given to a friend of mine, and he ah, well he didn’t want them.” Minho nodded his head slowly, his own smile fading away. Minho felt a slight jolt, he was happy when he thought that Jinki had brought them for him. Minho gulped, feeling nervous for a second, surely it didn’t mean he liked Jinki more than a friend.
“Oh, it sounds so bad!” Jinki paled, seeing how Minho’s expression had fallen, “Um, he asked me, no he made me promise to give them to someone I cared about. Ahhh, I wasn’t meant to say any of this.” Jinki lowered his head in embarrassment, unknowingly making Minho smile with the way he acted. Minho reached across at gently took the bouquet from Jinki’s arms.
“Well they’re beautiful,” Minho turned to find a vase, and he realised for the first time that his heart was speeding up. Minho felt so conflicted, because Jonghyun was still there, very much present inside of his head and heart, yet he was feeling giddy from Jinki’s actions. Minho frowned, realising that he didn’t have a vase, although why would a bachelor have a vase. A large jar in the kitchen served the same purpose, and Minho wondered if it was just because someone was being so good to him that he felt giddy. Human affection after months or weeks of being alone, and starved of such things. Minho realised that it was a nice feeling, it was nice to know that someone cared, even if it wasn’t Jonghyun.
“I’m glad you like them,” Jinki shifted from one foot to the other looking strangely nervous, “I immediately thought of you when I saw them. I know it’s weird, a-and like yeah.” Minho looked up sharply, blinking his eyes, something was up with Jinki. He didn’t normally stutter this much, Minho frowned, wondering if something was wrong with him.
“Jinki-hyung, are you okay?” Minho stood in front of Jinki, watching him flick his hair back with his fingertips. He reminded Minho of a timid rabbit, glancing nervously up at him. “I mean, something seems odd, did you have a bad day?” Minho asked, frowning when he saw Jinki’s face light up, and he started to beam happily. It scared Minho slightly and he wondered why Jinki was like that.
“You know that’s the first time,” Jinki traced his finger across the table top lightly, “that you’ve asked me something about myself.” Jinki nodded his head slowly, looking up and right into Minho’s eyes happily. Minho, however felt guilty. Jinki had been so good to him, and he had been incredibly selfish. Minho bowed his head down towards Jinki, deciding to remedy that fact.
“Oh, I’m sorry? Where do you live, Jinki-hyung. And who with?” Minho asked realising that Jinki had never once invited him over to his house for a drink or anything. Minho realised he was curious to know about that, and he couldn’t help but wonder if he was single or taken.
“I live with Kibum, you’ve met him before right? And another guy called Taemin.” Jinki kept on smiling, looking so radiant that Minho felt himself feeling happier too. Although part of him still wondered where Jonghyun was and what he was doing. Why had he left Minho? That question would never leave Minho alone, it was always in the back of his mind. Why did Jonghyun go, or rather what did Minho do to drive him away.
“You should come over some time,” Jinki quickly nodded his head, “Ah what about on the weekend? Would you be free? ‘Cause we’d all be home on the weekend, and I’d like you to meet Taemin too.” Jinki nodded his head so quickly, that Minho could tell he really meant it, he wasn’t just saying it. Minho smiled, he thought he’d like that too.
“Yeah I’m free on the weekend, I’d really like that too,” Minho forced himself to smile. He wasn’t lying, but it was always the weekends when he thought about Jonghyun at the most. Because the weekend had been their days, and so on one level it felt like he was betraying Jonghyun, but then that also sounded ridiculous. Jonghyun had left him, Minho realised he had to move on. He had to accept that Jonghyun would never be back, Minho smiled warmer across at Jinki, glad he had met him. If he hadn’t met Jinki he figured that he would still be stuck in a major depressive state. It wasn’t that he no longer suffered depression that Jonghyun had left him, because he still did. But at least he had someone to talk to about Jonghyun, and someone who would distract him from thoughts of Jonghyun.
ΞΘΞ
“What are we doing?” Minho’s eyes widened in disbelief as Jinki waved his arms around, explaining animatedly what he meant. “Really? Okay, sure why not.” Minho grinned nodded his head happily.
“Yeah I know it’s weird, but I got it cheaply off a friend. Um, but they said in the past they really wanted one.” Jinki waved his hands animatedly, “And they’re out this morning. So we can set it up, and then you can meet them during lunch time?” Jinki sounded so eager, that Minho found himself laughing and agreeing.
Half an hour later, there was no laughter as Jinki and Minho read through the instruction booklet for the water bed. Jinki blinked and then tried to connect everything, frowning when he saw a little bit of tape across the mattress. Finally after another hour they had sorted it out, and nervously they stepped back to survey their work.
“Shall we test it out?” Jinki bit his lip, “Make sure it’s you know, okay?” Minho quickly nodded his head, personally if he was going to get a water bed he would want to make sure it was okay. Minho watched as Jinki gingerly sat down on the bed, before shifting to lie down. Minho had this urge to jump on Jinki, and just kiss him. These urges were starting to scare him. He hated himself for liking someone else, but at the same time Jonghyun was gone. So there was nothing to stop him, except his stubborn heart that wanted to cling to Jonghyun.
“Minho-ah, you should get on too!” Jinki sat up grinning at him. With a nod of his head, Minho climbed onto the bed, eyes widening as he felt it rocking under him. Minho went to shift, but somehow he ended up sliding towards Jinki. Minho breathed in deeply, as he ended up lying next to Jinki, their faces inches apart. Minho gulped, leaning in to kiss Jinki across the lips when the sound of the door made Jinki leap up. Minho couldn’t understand why he wanted to kiss Jinki, he wasn’t Jonghyun. Part of him was relieved for the interruption. It still felt too soon, and wrong to even think about liking someone else.
ΞΘΞ
Minho found that as the weeks passed by, he was spending even more time with Jinki. One Friday night they had been watching movies on the couch. Jinki was laughing nonstop, until he spilled his drink all down the front of his shirt. Jinki’s face had gone so serious in that instant, and Minho had swallowed nervously while Jinki had changed his clothes. Maybe, it would be possible to move past Jonghyun, even if he would never forget him. But Minho felt as if he had seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and now he knew there was a way forward.
“Oops, sorry I uh-uh should go.” Jinki stuttered shyly by the front door until Minho reached for his hand. Pressing his larger palm down on top of Jinki’s, “Wh-what are you doing?” Jinki tilted his head up looking so insecure and nervous, but Minho could see light in his eyes, happiness and it felt contagious.
“It’s late, stay the night.” Minho suggested not even sure where the words had come from, “there is a spare bedroom, I’m not saying you have to sleep with me.” Minho bit his tongue, he was clearly saying far too much tonight, from the way Jinki’s eyes widened in surprise.
“Oh, um,” Jinki just stood there, until Minho pulled his fingers away from the door frame and pulled back into the house. “I guess it is kind of late, um I better ring Kibum or something so he doesn’t worry.” Minho nodded his head, gripping Jinki’s hand tightly, a part of him wondered what the hell he was doing. But at the same time it felt right.
Minho tried to busy himself so he didn’t listen while Jinki was on the phone. But a part of him inside was taut, and unsure. Minho bit his lip when Jinki emerged smiling triumphantly. Minho felt like he was back in high school, a friend having just phoned his parents for permission. Minho grinned back, realising that they needed no one’s permission. Minho led Jinki into the spare room, but instead of leaving he found himself standing there watching Jinki.
It had been months, months since he had felt the touch of another person against his body. Minho didn’t think but rather acted, moving swiftly next to Jinki. Jinki looked surprised but when Minho traced the outline of Jinki’s jaw, his eyes slid shut. Minho’s heart felt as if it would explode in his chest, as he began to unbutton Jinki’s shirt his fingers moving frantically at first but then he slowed down, wanting to savour this moment.
The way Jinki’s mouth felt against Minho’s made every nerve in his body hum yes! yes! yes! Jinki shifted under Minho, letting out soft moans as Minho kissed his way down Jinki’s body. The feel of Jinki underneath him, the firm hard body made Minho shiver, little tremors of desire shooting down his body. Minho couldn’t stop touching Jinki, fingers tracing down smooth limbs and stroking Jinki to complete hardness. Every fibre of Minho’s being urging him on, and the way Jinki panted his name out like a mantra made Minho lose himself in the sensations of being with Jinki.
ΞΘΞ
Minho breathed out slowly and evenly, opening his eyes carefully as the sun streamed in. The curtains had been left open, the sunlight illuminating the room brightly so there could be no doubt in Minho’s mind. Gently he rolled onto his side, staring at the sleeping naked body next to him. Something inside of him ached, he had betrayed Jonghyun. But at the same time, Jonghyun had left him so there was no betrayal. Minho smiled slightly as he watched the sunlight dance across Jinki’s face, making the older male scrunch up his face slightly. Minho, realised as he stared at Jinki, that even if he felt like he betrayed Jonghyun, there was no regret.
“Hi, good morning,” Jinki mumbled sleepily, catching Minho unaware. He thought Jinki had still been asleep, too busy lost in his thoughts to even notice him stirring. Minho glanced down at Jinki, catching him biting his lip and looking slightly unsure and nervous.
“Good morning, did you sleep well?” Minho smiled, resisting the urge to put his arm around Jinki’s shoulder. It scared him, the realisation that he did like Jinki. It wasn’t just ‘I need someone to hold me’, because he still felt strongly for Jinki. Minho could still remember the first time he had slept with someone after Jonghyun had left. It had been one of his old friends that he had always been attracted to. But in the morning, Minho had felt it was wrong, he just wanted him to leave. This he realised was different.
“Yeah I did um best sleep in a while,” Jinki blushed, “But… but I have to ask. What this means.” Jinki bit on his lip, gesturing between them carefully. Minho watched him breathe, chest heaving slightly. Minho wanted to push away the fear inside him, he could feel it pulsing. But Minho was no coward, and he could feel happiness flooding his chest.
“What do you mean?” Minho asked carefully.
“Last night, I just want to know if it was one off, because of um, you know, him?” Jinki cautiously looked into Minho’s eyes, “I mean, I don’t want it to be. But if you only want sex, then I’m not sure how I feel about that.” Minho winced slightly, wishing they didn’t have to talk about it now, but at the same time he understood. Jinki didn’t want to be used.
“I still love him,” Minho swallowed and then nodded his head, turning to look at Jinki carefully, “But I definitely do like you too. I think I’ll always love him, but I think I want to try things with you.” Minho reached for Jinki then, smiling as he slipped his arms around the other male’s body. He felt at peace with himself, happy that he had made the right decision. Jinki beamed across at him, shifting to cuddle against Minho’s body. The sunlight was warm across their skin as they lay there, exploring and getting to know each other again.
ΞΘΞ
“So you’re trying to tell me, you still love Jonghyun, but you like Jinki too?” Changmin laughed lightly, “Man that is messed up. How does that even work?” Minho felt his jaw tighten in irritation, his muscles tensing as his friend stood there, beer in his hand listening.
“Yes, I don’t know but it is possible,” Minho just managed to keep his irritation out of his voice, but the flash of anger in his eyes was a dead giveaway. “I don’t know either, but if Jonghyun walked in again, I would still love him.”
“And Jinki, you’d just dump him?” Changmin prompted.
“Well that’s where it gets complicated.” Minho frowned, “I really like him too, aish I don’t know why I’m even worrying about this. He’s gone, I just need to more forward and forget him.”
“Jinki seems sweet too, I mean he’s kind of perfect for you.” Changmin nodded his head, “Or maybe everyone is just perfect with you.” He rolled his eyes, “Because Jonghyun was too.” Minho frowned across at Changmin, not liking the way he said that.
“I don’t know. But Jinki makes me happy, really happy. I think,” Minho paused to wet his lip, “Jinki makes me as happy as Jonghyun did.” Changmin just stared across at Minho in shock, his expression mirroring how Minho felt at making such an admission.
ΞΘΞ
Two months passed by quickly, and Minho found that he was just as happy with Jinki as he had been with Jonghyun. It was strange, almost surreal because he still talked about Jonghyun on a regular basis, he still thought about him all the time. Jonghyun had a permanent home in Minho’s heart and thoughts, and at times he still wanted to just sit down and cry over Jonghyun leaving him. Minho sometimes wondered why Jinki put up with him, why he was still there when Minho still liked Jonghyun, although on some level he thought his feelings might be fading.
Jinki often stayed over at his house, and one day Minho realised it was four or five nights a week. Minho found Jinki’s clothes and toothbrush in the house, and it gave him warm fuzzy feelings. That was when Minho decided to invite Jinki to move in. Smiling Minho cleaned the house quickly, Jinki was on his way around and he said that he’d tell Minho his decision. Minho was pretty sure he’d accept his offer to move in, he’d cleaned out the last of Jonghyun’s possessions dumping them in boxes in the garage.
The sound of the doorbell had Minho racing to get the door, grinning widely he opened it to see Jinki standing there holding a bunch of flowers. Minho blushed slightly, it was a bit weird getting flowers from Jinki, but sweet at the same time. Minho bent his head down to smell them, shutting his eyes as he breathed in the delicate scent. The sound of Jinki clearing his throat made Minho looked up, he loved how awkward Jinki still was around him. The way Jinki blushed, but he stood there looking so incredibly happy, as he gazed warmly across at Minho.
“I uh, made my decision,” Jinki grinned, swinging his arms from side to side. Jinki opened his mouth to speak again, beaming happily, when the sound of the door made him turn in surprise. Minho frowned, it sounded like someone was trying to break in. The door swung open, and Minho stepped towards the entrance way, and his jaw dropped open as he saw who was standing there. Oh my god, Jonghyun! Jonghyun’s hair was shorter and a dark rich brown, it had been bleached at the tips when he left Minho, but he thought he looked handsome like that, even if he was a little thin and pale. Minho felt frozen and he didn’t know how to react, to his surprise he realised Jonghyun was staring at Jinki.
“Hyung, what the hell are you doing here?”
Minho blinked and looked from Jonghyun to Jinki, staring when he saw the shocked expression across Jinki’s face. Minho felt as if he might crumble to the floor, his body shaking as he stared across at Jonghyun. Minho thought he must be hallucinating there was no way that Jonghyun was right there in front of him. It was impossible.
“Jonghyunnie, what are you doing here?” Jinki frowned looking confused, “Aren’t you meant to be in the ward?” Jonghyun shrugged and then he turned to look at Minho, his eyes brightening and he smiled so sweetly that Minho felt his heart shattering. Minho swallowed and ran across the room, pulling Jonghyun into his arms and just holding him. Minho was conscious that maybe, he shouldn’t be doing this in front of Jinki, but then he figured it was only a hug.
“Sorry Minho,” Jonghyun murmured patted Minho’s back lightly, “I didn’t want to hurt you, but I know I did.” Jonghyun sighed softly, and Minho didn’t know what to say or do. Minho wanted to cling to Jonghyun, but he pulled back, shooting an apologetic look towards Jinki. Minho hoped Jinki wasn’t too upset, but judging from the way his lips were pressed in a straight line, he was upset. Biting his lip, Minho went to stand next to Jinki, eyeing Jonghyun curiously. Why had he just come back like that? Did he just expect things to go back to how they were, as if Jonghyun had never left?
“So why did you leave me?” Minho felt his anger returning when he saw Jinki’s sad expression, and it felt as if Jonghyun was just playing with them. He had been happy to see Jonghyun, but he couldn’t just forgive him outright and there was Jinki to consider. “Huh? And now you come back, do you expect me to just forgive you.” Minho crossed his arms in front of his chest.
“I have cancer, throat cancer,” Jonghyun murmured softly, eyes downcast and Minho just stared at him not really believing him. “I left because I didn’t want you to suffer or see me going downhill. I remembered how much it upset you when your grandmother died of cancer.” Jonghyun nodded his head slowly, shifting from one foot to the other.
“Do you really expect me to believe that?” Minho frowned and shook his head, “Jjong, I can’t just believe you.” Minho’s frown deepened when Jonghyun pointed to Jinki, and he didn’t understand why they acted like they knew each other. For a second Minho felt sick wondering if this was some sick conspiracy, if the whole thing had been a set up.
“He’s telling the truth, Minho.” Jinki sighed and nodded his head looking sad, “I worked at the hospital where he was getting treatment.” Jinki chewed on his lip, as Minho turned to gape at Jinki, but then he figured that must be where he volunteered. Now he could understand why Jinki didn’t really want to talk about it. But Minho still felt betrayed that Jinki and Jonghyun had kept this from him. Minho shook his head as he gazed from one to the other, was this some kind of crazy set up? What the hell was going on? It hurt to try and make sense of anything, and gazing from Jonghyun’s puppy dog face to Jinki’s crestfallen one, was making his heart ache.
“I don’t care,” Minho frowned and shook his head firmer, “Just get out. I can’t face either of you right now. Both of you just leave!” Minho dropped the bouquet on the floor, his head aching as he saw the flowers scattered across the floor. Minho swallowed, stepping forward to reach for Jinki, he didn’t mean for him to leave, or to shout at him but Minho realised he was completely alone.
ΞΘΞ
idk if this is okay or not ._.
man it was such a HUGE drama to post this -.-