(no subject)
Well, it's been made facebook official now...
I don't know if she reads this still, but I want to take a wild guess she still does to see what's going on in my life. For my own sake, I need to make it private from her after today because I can't let her see what's going on in my life. I need to block her out of my life, like what was starting to happen to me with hers. I didn't hear the other side of her life, so I have to keep her out of the other side of my life while she's in this relationship. It's better for her not to see the emotional wreck I have become so she can enjoy her time with her new boyfriend.
This last journal entry is mostly an "I'm sorry". I'm sorry I didn't notice all the signs earlier. You started hanging out with him back in December, and I shrugged it off thinking everything was OK. The holidays made me think it was all ok as well. Then, as soon as we're back at school, she breaks it off little over a week back. I keep telling myself I did nothing wrong for this, but it just feels like I had to make the mistake somewhere. It seemed surreal, ending our 4 year relationship to try something new. We had always been talking about marriage, our future together, our jobs we might have, how many pets we might keep... She must have really loved this other guy, or maybe just wanted me for that last break home...
I had my proposal all planned out, and now that it's not gonna happen apparently, I might as well say it here. The plan was to purchase the ring over spring break, and talk to her parents, since she'd have been at school. That summer, I'd visit. We'd go to a nice dinner, hopefully have an evening concert of the Pittsburgh Symphony, then spend the night at a hotel. Somewhere in there would be my proposal. But all of that is thrown to waste now. My future seemed so clear, and now so vague.
I thought I knew love... I thought I had found it, and my friends let me know that I had found love, just that she probably didn't, or she is just trying to ignore it. Whatever the case, I couldn't make her happy anymore. I DO NOT regret my college choice, but the distance is probably what did it to us. I fall back on my family at times like this, and even they don't understand what happened.
The girl I loved has changed obviously, and there's nothing I'll ever be able to do about it. They say true love can last through times like this. While I'm sure what I'm feeling may be true love, maybe she didn't have the same feelings.
If she's reading this, then I want to let her know that I still love her. I'm working on burying that, but I don't think it will ever disappear. I hope she's happy with whatever future she picks, even if it can't be with me. I still cry at night... I don't think I've had a peaceful sleep since that night... But I'm not yours to care about anymore. I know you want to be my friend, but we can't have that if all I want is something more at this point.
It is for these reasons I must state here that over spring break, I'm not sure visiting me is the greatest idea, especially if you're still in your relationship. It's not fair to the guy you're currently dating to visit your ex so soon, nor will it help me much since I probably will still be feeling the effects of this when that time comes. For these same reasons, you'll find I won't be visiting over spring break. I don't know your friends enough, nor do I think I could see you without doing something that would upset your boyfriend.
After today, the contact is truly over between us. Everything. Plurk I'll be done with to avoid your mom seeing how I'm feeling. Facebook I'll be removing you and your duquesne friends to avoid them seeing my statuses and how I'm doing. Livejournal will be friends posts, with you removed from my friends list on here. AIM has already been blocked. I'm cutting out my heart and locking it away, because as much as I love you, I can't ruin what you want to try and I can't do this to myself anymore. The only way you will be able to reach me is now through phonecalls. The more I see you happy with this new guy, the more it breaks my heart, so I have to avoid watching it unfold.
I hope the measures I'm taking to keep myself from going completely miserable will not destroy our friendship. If it does, I'm sorry it has to end that way. I will talk to you again at some point, but I do not know when that point will be.
Goodbye, and I hope everything works out for you the best. I love you...
-Mike
P.S. I have not been knocked down much in my life. It takes a lot to make me fall. For that matter, I am not used to picking myself up. Mark my words: I will pick myself up. I will move on eventually. For now, I heal.
"Sew this up with threads of reason and regret
So I will not forget. I will not forget
How this felt one year six months ago
I know I cannot forget. I cannot forget
I'm falling into memories of you,and things we used to do
Follow me there
A beautiful somewhere
A place that I can share with you
I can tell that you don't know me anymore
It's easy to forget, sometimes we just forget
And being on this road is anything but sure
Maybe we'll forget, I hope we don't forget
I'm falling into memories of you,and things we used to do
Follow me there
A beautiful somewhere
A place that I can share with you
So many nights, legs tangled tight
Wrap me up in a dream with you
Close up these eyes, try not to cry
All that I've got to pull me through is memories of you
Memories of you
Memories of you
Memories of you
I'm falling into memories of you ,and things we used to do
Follow me there
A beautiful somewhere
A place that we can share
Falling into memories of you, and things we used to do"
I don't know if she reads this still, but I want to take a wild guess she still does to see what's going on in my life. For my own sake, I need to make it private from her after today because I can't let her see what's going on in my life. I need to block her out of my life, like what was starting to happen to me with hers. I didn't hear the other side of her life, so I have to keep her out of the other side of my life while she's in this relationship. It's better for her not to see the emotional wreck I have become so she can enjoy her time with her new boyfriend.
This last journal entry is mostly an "I'm sorry". I'm sorry I didn't notice all the signs earlier. You started hanging out with him back in December, and I shrugged it off thinking everything was OK. The holidays made me think it was all ok as well. Then, as soon as we're back at school, she breaks it off little over a week back. I keep telling myself I did nothing wrong for this, but it just feels like I had to make the mistake somewhere. It seemed surreal, ending our 4 year relationship to try something new. We had always been talking about marriage, our future together, our jobs we might have, how many pets we might keep... She must have really loved this other guy, or maybe just wanted me for that last break home...
I had my proposal all planned out, and now that it's not gonna happen apparently, I might as well say it here. The plan was to purchase the ring over spring break, and talk to her parents, since she'd have been at school. That summer, I'd visit. We'd go to a nice dinner, hopefully have an evening concert of the Pittsburgh Symphony, then spend the night at a hotel. Somewhere in there would be my proposal. But all of that is thrown to waste now. My future seemed so clear, and now so vague.
I thought I knew love... I thought I had found it, and my friends let me know that I had found love, just that she probably didn't, or she is just trying to ignore it. Whatever the case, I couldn't make her happy anymore. I DO NOT regret my college choice, but the distance is probably what did it to us. I fall back on my family at times like this, and even they don't understand what happened.
The girl I loved has changed obviously, and there's nothing I'll ever be able to do about it. They say true love can last through times like this. While I'm sure what I'm feeling may be true love, maybe she didn't have the same feelings.
If she's reading this, then I want to let her know that I still love her. I'm working on burying that, but I don't think it will ever disappear. I hope she's happy with whatever future she picks, even if it can't be with me. I still cry at night... I don't think I've had a peaceful sleep since that night... But I'm not yours to care about anymore. I know you want to be my friend, but we can't have that if all I want is something more at this point.
It is for these reasons I must state here that over spring break, I'm not sure visiting me is the greatest idea, especially if you're still in your relationship. It's not fair to the guy you're currently dating to visit your ex so soon, nor will it help me much since I probably will still be feeling the effects of this when that time comes. For these same reasons, you'll find I won't be visiting over spring break. I don't know your friends enough, nor do I think I could see you without doing something that would upset your boyfriend.
After today, the contact is truly over between us. Everything. Plurk I'll be done with to avoid your mom seeing how I'm feeling. Facebook I'll be removing you and your duquesne friends to avoid them seeing my statuses and how I'm doing. Livejournal will be friends posts, with you removed from my friends list on here. AIM has already been blocked. I'm cutting out my heart and locking it away, because as much as I love you, I can't ruin what you want to try and I can't do this to myself anymore. The only way you will be able to reach me is now through phonecalls. The more I see you happy with this new guy, the more it breaks my heart, so I have to avoid watching it unfold.
I hope the measures I'm taking to keep myself from going completely miserable will not destroy our friendship. If it does, I'm sorry it has to end that way. I will talk to you again at some point, but I do not know when that point will be.
Goodbye, and I hope everything works out for you the best. I love you...
-Mike
P.S. I have not been knocked down much in my life. It takes a lot to make me fall. For that matter, I am not used to picking myself up. Mark my words: I will pick myself up. I will move on eventually. For now, I heal.
"Sew this up with threads of reason and regret
So I will not forget. I will not forget
How this felt one year six months ago
I know I cannot forget. I cannot forget
I'm falling into memories of you,and things we used to do
Follow me there
A beautiful somewhere
A place that I can share with you
I can tell that you don't know me anymore
It's easy to forget, sometimes we just forget
And being on this road is anything but sure
Maybe we'll forget, I hope we don't forget
I'm falling into memories of you,and things we used to do
Follow me there
A beautiful somewhere
A place that I can share with you
So many nights, legs tangled tight
Wrap me up in a dream with you
Close up these eyes, try not to cry
All that I've got to pull me through is memories of you
Memories of you
Memories of you
Memories of you
I'm falling into memories of you ,and things we used to do
Follow me there
A beautiful somewhere
A place that we can share
Falling into memories of you, and things we used to do"