what i want
to be free. to not have to abide by society's rules anymore. this entire country was based on the genocide of the first peoples that lived here anyway, so in essence, i am discouraged from conforming to something that has been built on lies and fear. a lot of people do not understand this. they think that i am crazy for wanting to speak my own voice, they think that since i don't want a job, have a lack of interest in academics, and would rather take some time to explore the world (physically) rather than settle down into a career, that i must need medication for my issues and problems, or that i'm naive and silly and childish.
well maybe i fucking am. but i accept it, and i want to grow. it wasn't my decision to be sheltered all throughout middle school and high school and have rules and theories fucking drilled into my head by my stepfather.
i've been through a lot of bullshit within the past few years. everything from being abused and manipulated by someone i loved, to being stared at by perverts constantly on the bus, to people who are supposed to understand me saying incredibly rude things.
most of my anger is directed at society, but my family isn't much help. they have the audacity to tell me everything is fine and that i should be happy when they don't even really know what it's like. they think that a big fat paycheck and some mall clothes will help...blah blah blah, they think whatever. it's always nice to hear "why can't you look normal?" from your big sister. and she claims she doesn't judge me or think i need to be like her. she spent a lot of time trying to "diagnose" my problems...i think she needs to take a good look at herself. i love her to death, but i honestly don't know if we have much in common. i feel like she is scared of me or something, just because i'm different.
mom's always anxious and worried. although sometimes i have good conversations with her.
bert is bert. but he drives me fucking nuts the way he repeats himself 50 fucking times when he's trying to tell you "about life".
brenda is the one who said it would get better. that pissed me off a lot. but i don't think she meant anything badly of it. i worry about her a lot.
mckinley is really far away right now, i miss her very much. i don't even know how she's doing, really, and i look forward to her return. i know that she just wants me to be happy, and i respect that more than she knows.
dylan...mom and bert need to fucking lay off and let 'im be. he's 17. and they freak out because he has issues. DUH. he's fucking SEVENTEEN. who the fuck doesn't have issues? especially when they go to redneck central high school...yay inbreds!!
dad sent me money recently. i really appreciated that, he's a good man, and i think that i can forgive him for some of the things he has done...or, hasn't, done, rather.
that's my spiel. and if you read it, please don't take offense and send me some annoying aggro letter. it's my journal, i can write what i want.
well maybe i fucking am. but i accept it, and i want to grow. it wasn't my decision to be sheltered all throughout middle school and high school and have rules and theories fucking drilled into my head by my stepfather.
i've been through a lot of bullshit within the past few years. everything from being abused and manipulated by someone i loved, to being stared at by perverts constantly on the bus, to people who are supposed to understand me saying incredibly rude things.
most of my anger is directed at society, but my family isn't much help. they have the audacity to tell me everything is fine and that i should be happy when they don't even really know what it's like. they think that a big fat paycheck and some mall clothes will help...blah blah blah, they think whatever. it's always nice to hear "why can't you look normal?" from your big sister. and she claims she doesn't judge me or think i need to be like her. she spent a lot of time trying to "diagnose" my problems...i think she needs to take a good look at herself. i love her to death, but i honestly don't know if we have much in common. i feel like she is scared of me or something, just because i'm different.
mom's always anxious and worried. although sometimes i have good conversations with her.
bert is bert. but he drives me fucking nuts the way he repeats himself 50 fucking times when he's trying to tell you "about life".
brenda is the one who said it would get better. that pissed me off a lot. but i don't think she meant anything badly of it. i worry about her a lot.
mckinley is really far away right now, i miss her very much. i don't even know how she's doing, really, and i look forward to her return. i know that she just wants me to be happy, and i respect that more than she knows.
dylan...mom and bert need to fucking lay off and let 'im be. he's 17. and they freak out because he has issues. DUH. he's fucking SEVENTEEN. who the fuck doesn't have issues? especially when they go to redneck central high school...yay inbreds!!
dad sent me money recently. i really appreciated that, he's a good man, and i think that i can forgive him for some of the things he has done...or, hasn't, done, rather.
that's my spiel. and if you read it, please don't take offense and send me some annoying aggro letter. it's my journal, i can write what i want.