The first day
It's 4pm. I've spontaneously decided I want to have a blog. I want to catalog the mundane moments of my life. Life consists of routine. Routine consists of counting calories, spontaneous nights out and running around the town in stupidly high heels.
4:30pm
I'm being force-fed today. I've been given a plate full of garlic bread and told 'Eat or else.' It's my own fault. Yesterday was a difficult day. I was emotionally vulnerable and wore my despair on my face. I was asked what was wrong and I stupidly suggested seeing a doctor. Anything to deflect from my emotional pain. This was the signal that was being looked for. This was enough for a whole 'feeding frenzy' to begin. After months of silence, now it's felt that they can intrude into my personal life and make me eat. I have to be careful with how I deal with this. I already ate a whole fucking piece. Idiot.
Nina Dobrev's hot body inspires me to keep the plate away.
I think one bottle of water should also fill up my stomach and help keep the temptation at bay. The issue is, I'm not even hungry. I've downed 430 calories already today. This is insanity.
5pm
I get panic attacks thinking about the future. I'm graduating from a degree that I've fucked up because my main goal in life shifted from excelling in academia and becoming a researcher to reaching my goal weight. Now, I don't know what I'm going to do with my life and my chest closes up at the thought of my results and what I'm going to do with my life. I feel like I'm drowning. I've done this all to myself. I know I have. I don't regret focusing on weight loss. Not one bit. I regret not being more aggressive in pursuing my future prospects. I regret stifling my emotions. I think the only thing to do now is to seize the day TODAY. I've put off thinking about it for too long. I need to reach out and grab the future now. I need to. I must. I have to break the cycle of getting nowhere.
8pm
Just had a shower and am now eating a bowl of grapes, pear and apple. Don't feel like eating it too much. I am definitely an out-of-habit eater... no wonder I struggle with my weight. I need to behave. Am watching 'Picture Me'; the model documentary. Good Thursday night in. Just need to sort out my eating habits. I do NOT want to go over 1000 calories today. And I've done NO exercise. And I feel bloated. Yuck fucking yuck.
10pm
Just watched a documentary on feederism. Donna Simpson will inhabit my nightmares tonight.
Food intake has been ridiculous today. I feel like a gross, extremely bloated lump. I plan to be in bed by 11pm. I need to sleep and be rested so I can be more energised and productive tomorrow. I've achieved NOTHING today except Interneting.
11.30pm
Early to bed is not happening. I've been watching Donna Simpson interviews. Failing at life.