unconcealed
sooo.. i couldn't find my concealer today, and i was freaking out before church. it's weird because i've never been that a big fan of makeup or any of that stuff; for both phyisical and pyschological purposes. but lately i've desperately been unawaringly relying on some sort of cover-up. thoughts of how to be presentable have been clouding my mind from initial purposes. me? why? i've never been so self conscious in my life before, but i've been so low esteemed lately, while we're at it.. i've been extremely critical with people around me.
i guess this entry doesn't have that much of a purpose to it [which is a bit off from my usual entries: i like having a strong set theme and being able to support it.]
there was a old fable i remember from when i was a dork and read fables for fun. there was this fox who got stuck in a fox trap and lost her tail. after the loss, she returned to the pack of other foxes and tried to convince the other foxes to lose their tails as well. "'the tail' she said, 'is just an extra weight. And you could hardly call it elegant! Or pretty!" 'if that is so', replied her friends, ' then why are you so unhappy without one?'"
this summer, after making a stronger committment to serve God i've definitely felt like i've lost my personal rights to liberty, and doing what i wanted to do. aside from this burning feeling of responsibility to reach lost christians, i'm contemplating whether the loss of my freedom has caused me to become less Godly in this process. reading over past xanga entries, i can totally understand these words being God influenced, however personally i feel like i may of had some alterior motives that increased the vigor of my writing.
it's weird. i thought it was pretty strong to "confess" weakness to other people; with a thrown-in wannabe convictioning//encouragment kinda thing. then a few weeks ago, at a meeting with my pastor and some other church people, i had to confess things down to the painful detail. and oh my goodness, it was painful, i felt so incredibly ashamed, and this was beyond the usual self consciousness.
i'm rambling, i can't control all these thoughts running through my head.
i was at the city with Gaby the other day, and after we came out of the movie theatre this beggarish sort of woman came up to me and she was like.. crying [i'm not sure if it was fake or not] she was asking for money and she claimed to be extremely hungry. i rushed off to get her a hot dog from the stand, but when i returned i saw her with money with a sort of smile villans make after they commit some sort of crime. i held back, not wanting to give her the food anymore. afterall, she's just going to laugh at me because i was another person she guilt-tripped into buying her food. i turned bitterly and was about to leave, when this conviction pelted me in the head. how could i.. be so judgemental, who am i to call anyone hopeless? unconditional love, i mean Jesus healed those who were going to nail him to the cross. i won't tell the ending, i wanted the point to be on the conviction.
aurgh, it seems like people are so superficial, christians especially, and it's really been bothering me lately. the world seems so hopeless, and i feel so insignficant.. i know it's important to that one starfish you save.. but there are too many to make a difference. it's discouraging.
it's going to be hard when school starts again. as of now, i really want to change my school. but it's so easy to say and i'm not sure if i can do anything. i can just see myself slipping again, returning to a mundane faith again, losing focus on Christ and concentrating on image or the judgements of others.
will i be able to keep this faith? will i still be able to do devotions? can i still keep my friends? i'll never make that close group of friends at school if i keep up with this christian stuff.. what do i do? where do i go to college? what do i do for the future? are you calling me to be a musician or is this my own dream? it seems like you've given me gifts that point to a direction of being a performing artist; in this i would reach to give another christian voice in the choruses sung, it's what i want to do.. but if you want that to happen that would be excellent. but what if it doesn't work? what do i do? where do i go? how can i change the world? i can't even concentrate on my own world? what if my friends are the ones you want me to reach out to? how can i reach the world if i can't even reach my friends?
then today..
Be still.
i guess this entry doesn't have that much of a purpose to it [which is a bit off from my usual entries: i like having a strong set theme and being able to support it.]
there was a old fable i remember from when i was a dork and read fables for fun. there was this fox who got stuck in a fox trap and lost her tail. after the loss, she returned to the pack of other foxes and tried to convince the other foxes to lose their tails as well. "'the tail' she said, 'is just an extra weight. And you could hardly call it elegant! Or pretty!" 'if that is so', replied her friends, ' then why are you so unhappy without one?'"
this summer, after making a stronger committment to serve God i've definitely felt like i've lost my personal rights to liberty, and doing what i wanted to do. aside from this burning feeling of responsibility to reach lost christians, i'm contemplating whether the loss of my freedom has caused me to become less Godly in this process. reading over past xanga entries, i can totally understand these words being God influenced, however personally i feel like i may of had some alterior motives that increased the vigor of my writing.
it's weird. i thought it was pretty strong to "confess" weakness to other people; with a thrown-in wannabe convictioning//encouragment kinda thing. then a few weeks ago, at a meeting with my pastor and some other church people, i had to confess things down to the painful detail. and oh my goodness, it was painful, i felt so incredibly ashamed, and this was beyond the usual self consciousness.
i'm rambling, i can't control all these thoughts running through my head.
i was at the city with Gaby the other day, and after we came out of the movie theatre this beggarish sort of woman came up to me and she was like.. crying [i'm not sure if it was fake or not] she was asking for money and she claimed to be extremely hungry. i rushed off to get her a hot dog from the stand, but when i returned i saw her with money with a sort of smile villans make after they commit some sort of crime. i held back, not wanting to give her the food anymore. afterall, she's just going to laugh at me because i was another person she guilt-tripped into buying her food. i turned bitterly and was about to leave, when this conviction pelted me in the head. how could i.. be so judgemental, who am i to call anyone hopeless? unconditional love, i mean Jesus healed those who were going to nail him to the cross. i won't tell the ending, i wanted the point to be on the conviction.
aurgh, it seems like people are so superficial, christians especially, and it's really been bothering me lately. the world seems so hopeless, and i feel so insignficant.. i know it's important to that one starfish you save.. but there are too many to make a difference. it's discouraging.
it's going to be hard when school starts again. as of now, i really want to change my school. but it's so easy to say and i'm not sure if i can do anything. i can just see myself slipping again, returning to a mundane faith again, losing focus on Christ and concentrating on image or the judgements of others.
will i be able to keep this faith? will i still be able to do devotions? can i still keep my friends? i'll never make that close group of friends at school if i keep up with this christian stuff.. what do i do? where do i go to college? what do i do for the future? are you calling me to be a musician or is this my own dream? it seems like you've given me gifts that point to a direction of being a performing artist; in this i would reach to give another christian voice in the choruses sung, it's what i want to do.. but if you want that to happen that would be excellent. but what if it doesn't work? what do i do? where do i go? how can i change the world? i can't even concentrate on my own world? what if my friends are the ones you want me to reach out to? how can i reach the world if i can't even reach my friends?
then today..
Be still.