" I've been alone all along"
Well I've been doing some thinking to compensate for the last couple days (weeks,months, years). For better or worse I've started growing up in, the world is kinda forcing me to. I may be trying act 14 for the rest of my life cause I think it's what I deserve or see my self as being but damn if being older hasn't kind of demanded maturity of me. I've realized that I still approach a lot of things because I want to impress somebody and that I've never really entered into a relationship without hoping that it'd be something to show. That's pretty lame and I hope to get over it before I try anything new. On the other hand I've been doing all the things I've associated w/ immaturity, neglecting homework cause of senioritis, leading someone on, contemplating piercings and tattos, not being concerned with anyone eles's thinking. I don't know, these aren't the things good adults do but I think I'm trying to hold on youth before it goes away and I end up sitting in a cubicle going "whoa how the fuck did this happen". I realized how far away the person I was four years I am and it's a little weird looking back. But I think that I've been trying to hard to be someone different and end up doing stupid things and screwing the occassional innocent person over. A little thinking before I act and thinking of the future and other people might be productive. It's been a hella weird week I don't think I'm proud of a damn thing I've done ( or maybe it's just the way I've done them or how I've not done them at all). I just sit back and wonder why I do anything, I can't honestly say I many things for other people but I certainly haven't been serving my own interests well. Maybe I just don't know what they are. I've never really felt this way before, kinda at the cross roads between a couple different personalities and I gotta choose or make my own mix now. Sorry if this doesn't make much sense, it's stemming from other stuff but whatever the source I needed to come out with it, in public.