Funny Stuff
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were
walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to
save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head Nurse
Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be
discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad
news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another
patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news
is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself right after you saved him with his
bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied "He
didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.... How soon can I go home?"
This is the direction I am moving in for your continued success... In
other words, I NEED YOU to WORK -- PRODUCTIVELY AND PROFESSIONALLY.
NEW EMPLOYMENT RULES
SICKDAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's sick note as proof of sickness.
If you are able to get to the doctor, you are able to come into work.
SURGERY
Operations are now banned.
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You
should not consider having anything removed. We hired you intact. To
have
something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
HOLIDAYS
Each employee will receive 104 holidays per year.
They are to be called Saturday and Sunday.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends or relatives.
Every effort should be made to have non-employees to attend to the
arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the
funeral should be scheduled for late afternoon.
We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch-hour and
subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is
done.
ABSENT FOR YOUR OWN DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse.
However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train
your own replacement.
TOILET USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets.In the future, we
will
follow the practice of going in alphabetical order.
For instance: All employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8.00
to
8.20,
employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8.20 to 8.40 and so on.
If you are unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to
wait until the next day when your turn comes again.
In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a co-worker.
Both workers supervisors must approve this exchange in writing.
In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the toilets.
At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will
retract,
and the door will open.
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so they can
look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to maintain
their average figure.
Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to
drink a Slimfast and take a diet pill.
DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing fancy trainers or clothing we will assume that you
are
doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay rise.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company.
We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all
questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations,
aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations,
consternations or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice day
The Management
*giggles*