(no subject)
I live my life on the principle that you can't regret anything. Or at least, I try really, really hard to.
But lately it's just been so damn hard. Hard to think about, harder to do, hard to live with, and hard to keep going. It's been hard to pretend that things are going OK when, in fact, things are not going OK, I'm not OK, and I hurt more than I ever thought possible. I can't help but to think over the last 3 weeks, and wondering at exactly what point we ruined everything we had; what was the fulcrum of the relationship? The one thing that was said the forever changed what we had? Who said the thing that was un-takeback-able?
I make myself sick. There are so many things I wish I hadn't said, so many times that I have hurt him that I wish I could take back. It's the hurting him that I can't take, that makes me feel this worthless. I wish that I could undo all of it.
I can't eat, I can't unpack, I can't look for a new job. I take various sleeping pills just so that I can sleep, and even those are proving themselves useless. I take a handful and end up crying until eventually I fall asleep. Or do I pass out? It's not healthy, but for now, it's the only way.
I called him the other night. I knew it was a bad idea, but I needed to hear him say it. And it's a struggle to not call every day. It's been 5 days, but feels like forever. How can this be over when we both still care so much? The goodbye still kills me, because neither of us really wanted it to happen. Maybe time will fix this, but I have a feeling it will never be fixed; even if it could, after all this pain, is there a remedy to simply mend what has gone wrong? Or would it be like putting a bandaid on a bullet wound?
We were best friends. How do you just leave that behind? How do you not think of all the memories? We had 4 1/2 years worth of memories together - what do I do with all of those now? I caught myself many times in conversations saying "we" - what do I do now? Where do I go from here? How does this get better?
How does he feel? That's the thing that is plaguing me. I know how I feel, but I don't know how he is doing. Is he lonely? Does he wish he could talk to someone? Since I left, what does he do when he gets home? I worry about him, because there's no one left in Kansas to take care of him. I know that as an adult, he is perfectly capable of caring for himself, but we all need an ally. Who does he turn to?
I hurt. I'm sad. More than I ever though possible. My heart is broken, shattered, and I don't know how to fix it, but I want more than anything for it to go away. I miss my best friend.
I live my life on the principle that you can't regret anything. And if I could do it all over again, I would, in a heartbeat. I wouldn't change a thing. Except the ending. The ending is the only thing I can regret.
But lately it's just been so damn hard. Hard to think about, harder to do, hard to live with, and hard to keep going. It's been hard to pretend that things are going OK when, in fact, things are not going OK, I'm not OK, and I hurt more than I ever thought possible. I can't help but to think over the last 3 weeks, and wondering at exactly what point we ruined everything we had; what was the fulcrum of the relationship? The one thing that was said the forever changed what we had? Who said the thing that was un-takeback-able?
I make myself sick. There are so many things I wish I hadn't said, so many times that I have hurt him that I wish I could take back. It's the hurting him that I can't take, that makes me feel this worthless. I wish that I could undo all of it.
I can't eat, I can't unpack, I can't look for a new job. I take various sleeping pills just so that I can sleep, and even those are proving themselves useless. I take a handful and end up crying until eventually I fall asleep. Or do I pass out? It's not healthy, but for now, it's the only way.
I called him the other night. I knew it was a bad idea, but I needed to hear him say it. And it's a struggle to not call every day. It's been 5 days, but feels like forever. How can this be over when we both still care so much? The goodbye still kills me, because neither of us really wanted it to happen. Maybe time will fix this, but I have a feeling it will never be fixed; even if it could, after all this pain, is there a remedy to simply mend what has gone wrong? Or would it be like putting a bandaid on a bullet wound?
We were best friends. How do you just leave that behind? How do you not think of all the memories? We had 4 1/2 years worth of memories together - what do I do with all of those now? I caught myself many times in conversations saying "we" - what do I do now? Where do I go from here? How does this get better?
How does he feel? That's the thing that is plaguing me. I know how I feel, but I don't know how he is doing. Is he lonely? Does he wish he could talk to someone? Since I left, what does he do when he gets home? I worry about him, because there's no one left in Kansas to take care of him. I know that as an adult, he is perfectly capable of caring for himself, but we all need an ally. Who does he turn to?
I hurt. I'm sad. More than I ever though possible. My heart is broken, shattered, and I don't know how to fix it, but I want more than anything for it to go away. I miss my best friend.
I live my life on the principle that you can't regret anything. And if I could do it all over again, I would, in a heartbeat. I wouldn't change a thing. Except the ending. The ending is the only thing I can regret.