The Usual Suspects, Usual Answers

[onesimpledj]

All rounded up, but its hard to say wich one will break first. they all seem to be pretty tough, but every man has his breaking point. its all a matter of pressure. time and pressure. somedays it feels like its going to be me, and somedays it doesn't, but the pressure is there weather i feel like breaking or not and it makes it look a mess. when things start going sideways,thats when you start to forget how to use things, like question marks and q-tips. the shade you picked to hide under isn't as comfortable and your feet always seem to be wet, even though they arn't. you just want to come in from the cold, but you can't and you try to say to yourself that you wouldn't like it inside, but you might, even though it would mean settling for something less. the future has to many little steps between now and then, so many flights of stairs, but i don't know wheather im going upstairs or downstairs. if i knew then i would be a man posessed, but until then i just sit down on the stairs and cry at stupid little things. lots of people come to visit and its easy to switch hats and look ready, but sometimes you just look a mess. run down and run out to that place where it looks like you might break, and you say "hang on, my story gets better". beds become uncomfortable and sleep becomes a mini-series who'e episodes are short, disturbing, and remarkably small, leaving you wanting more to the point where its all you want to do is to watch the whole damn show from start to finish, but you can't because your future is still baby stepping you apart, piece by piece, and Fed Exing them to you with little memos attached to remind you how important that little piece is to the whole machine. reading the little memos over and over is all you can do until you start burning them, but its to late, they are already burned into your mind. then all you can do is look around and say, fuckin hell.

hmmmmm.... i just have to wonder at myself sometimes. fucking tangents get the better of me so easily. other than that, thanksgiving has been pretty uneventful, just lots of hanging out with the family and eating lots. I havn't gotten to see a lot of the people i wanted to visit while i was down here, lame, and im going back up to seattle tomorrow. Still need to have the big long talk with my mom and try to figure out the best way to help fix all of this shit, so that is probably going to be tomorrow afternoon, oh goody. i know i need to do it, and i know she is worried about me, but its just hard to talk about it. its hard for me to think that i can't hanldle it and its hard to ask for help in so personal a matter, but i know i need it. so hopefully that will go off with the minimum of problems. This trip hasn't been nearly as therapudic as it thought it was going to be, but it has helped a little. hopefully i can get back on the road to whats normal for me soon. hopefully its warmer in seattle.
hope.

a mirror will kill you if you look to deeply into it