Just Be Me...
Hmmm at what price is it going to cost me to actually come to being my non sucicidal self? I beg and implore you that this isn't a cry for help; I want no help. No one can help me, talking to people doesn't help because I've found that right now the amount of trust I can place in people is so paper thin, it's like spreading a centimeter wide piece of butter from the stick and expecting to cover the entire piece of bread... There have been so many disappointments in my life thus far, since my fiance left me at the airport earlier this month leaving me not only broken but entirely shattered to the point where the thought of never engaging into some form of relationship ever again has crossed my mind many a time.
Sadly, though I wish not to admit this about myself I've been tipping into the booze more than I can count... because it welcomes me into sleep where for a short period every night this rithing pain leaves me alone. To those of you that don't understand what it feels like for the most important piece of happiness in your life where I felt my anger dip into that pool of nothingness, it was almost gone... it was so hard to be mad at anyone while I was the way I was at that time, I liked being happy... but is this the price I've paid to be happy? To feel that joy for a moment while it was ripped from him in the worst way possible. Thank you Corey and Cullen for helping me out while I was in Arizona, thank you so much... for saving my life... I wouldn't say it to you Corey because you would have bludgend me verbally, or at least I feared it... -sighs- After all this and a long bitter debate and after I've lied to some of you about what my habits have been, I've decided to actively enroll myself into the therapy for as long as it takes for me to climb out of this vile quagmire. I've been fighting very hard on my own and after all this struggle I can't hold my own weight anymore... between my family and me... and this vindictive strangle hold of this let down... I need it now... perhaps finally for at least some time... while I work out some other issues...
My life is falling apart I took a nasty blow to my GPA this Semester, a 3.7 to a 3.2... Do you know how much that hurts my standing? I'm a failure to the point I can't accept myself... I barely pulled off the grades I did... There is no excuse for that...
Corey I want to go have coffee with you so if you get this before I call you I'mma just ask...