I do all of the wrong things...
You know, every once and a while I step back and really think about the actions that I've taken over the past couple of years and reflect on them.
This time I can't give reason for some of the things I've done lately. My therapist helped me uncover this god awful habit I have. I the situations that I've been in where stress and mountains of events are on my plate, be it life or sky rains down mountains made for my shoulders, it seems that I have the right intention but I don't go about doing it in the right way. I justify the action with anger especially when it comes down to people that I know in real life. What I did with Cullen when I let the buckshot out at Corey knowing that the blood that moved out into the river would eventually move down and place itself into everyone's lap. The frustration was mounting and the challenges I faced had no meaningful end in sight and I made the incorrect decision as good as it felt to let that anger relieve itself out of my soul, but like always I had a nylon umbrella while the fire stormed down atop of me. At that point I didn't feel guilty, I wanted to let everyone know hos frustrating it all was regardless of who it hurt. I can't justify it, that event; nothing about it was OK. I regret that action as a whole although I suppose it was better than landing myself on a courtroom standing on the floor in handcuffs while the judge slammed the gavel down upon my life forever. Still it's unjustified. It's not the first time I've done it either. I regret those times as well, but at least those I can partially justify but not completely...
I'm doing my best to learn and some what understand how to make my intentions known, but it's a very difficult journey and with very few people that are willing to put up with my introverted behaviors it's become a massive struggle. I miss the people that used to look at me without a judging me, and even more I miss the embrace and the eyes of one woman that I enjoyed tea with so many times... Although the conversations mainly consisted of relationships it was always so easy to be me around her. A friends Live Journal comment didn't help when I was reading through it. I do wish there was something I could do to perhaps mend the fence but if it's started to I sit in the dark thinking about when the scythe is coming around to remove my cold and calculating head from my body's twisted shoulders. For those of you that read this with the exclusion of quite a few of you, give me a chance at redemption and I'll see if I can't work up the nerve to throw acid on living habits and reduce them to ash without reducing the universe around me to a smoldering, bubbling, pit of nothingness where I stand gazing out upon the annihilation that I've caused on myself.
Keith, thank you for what you've done for me this past weekend. You've helped me deal with the loneliness that I've been suffering with for the past few weeks. Even if you do just sit and watch me play metal gear solid 4 for hours. Which I'm sorry for hogging your TV but really the time spent around you makes me feel a little less broken. Perhaps I'll stop by more this week, or until you get tired of me tickling people and punching/grabbing them in the groin.
This time I can't give reason for some of the things I've done lately. My therapist helped me uncover this god awful habit I have. I the situations that I've been in where stress and mountains of events are on my plate, be it life or sky rains down mountains made for my shoulders, it seems that I have the right intention but I don't go about doing it in the right way. I justify the action with anger especially when it comes down to people that I know in real life. What I did with Cullen when I let the buckshot out at Corey knowing that the blood that moved out into the river would eventually move down and place itself into everyone's lap. The frustration was mounting and the challenges I faced had no meaningful end in sight and I made the incorrect decision as good as it felt to let that anger relieve itself out of my soul, but like always I had a nylon umbrella while the fire stormed down atop of me. At that point I didn't feel guilty, I wanted to let everyone know hos frustrating it all was regardless of who it hurt. I can't justify it, that event; nothing about it was OK. I regret that action as a whole although I suppose it was better than landing myself on a courtroom standing on the floor in handcuffs while the judge slammed the gavel down upon my life forever. Still it's unjustified. It's not the first time I've done it either. I regret those times as well, but at least those I can partially justify but not completely...
I'm doing my best to learn and some what understand how to make my intentions known, but it's a very difficult journey and with very few people that are willing to put up with my introverted behaviors it's become a massive struggle. I miss the people that used to look at me without a judging me, and even more I miss the embrace and the eyes of one woman that I enjoyed tea with so many times... Although the conversations mainly consisted of relationships it was always so easy to be me around her. A friends Live Journal comment didn't help when I was reading through it. I do wish there was something I could do to perhaps mend the fence but if it's started to I sit in the dark thinking about when the scythe is coming around to remove my cold and calculating head from my body's twisted shoulders. For those of you that read this with the exclusion of quite a few of you, give me a chance at redemption and I'll see if I can't work up the nerve to throw acid on living habits and reduce them to ash without reducing the universe around me to a smoldering, bubbling, pit of nothingness where I stand gazing out upon the annihilation that I've caused on myself.
Keith, thank you for what you've done for me this past weekend. You've helped me deal with the loneliness that I've been suffering with for the past few weeks. Even if you do just sit and watch me play metal gear solid 4 for hours. Which I'm sorry for hogging your TV but really the time spent around you makes me feel a little less broken. Perhaps I'll stop by more this week, or until you get tired of me tickling people and punching/grabbing them in the groin.