kicking up dust

[onesickkid]

There aren't many things that I find extremely comforting in this world. For the most part I find it all to be a little bit more anxiously crazy and parnoid then comforting. I'm alone in the world, as always I suppose. I sit back and watch friends die, throw their lives away, and know there isn't much I can do. We all make our own choices, I just wish I could be a better influence. In some ways I think once you start using drugs to cope with reality you never stop. Is any of this really necessary? Most days I'd like to fuzz it out, take an eraser to it, blur it out, of course all these feelings come after I want to smash it up. I've been angry for so many years, its hard to let go of that anger, its hard to let go of a lot of things. I've been gasping at the past, at my memories, at what used to be, at who used to be alive, and I have a hard time letting go. I miss old friends, even ones who aren't dead, but I also realise friendships die just as easy as friends. I've been throwing so much stuff away recently. I realize none of this really matters. It only matters in how I let it effect my choices now.
I'm tired of everything dying. It makes me sad, it makes me cry to say goodbye.