Lonely
So I'm sitting here in my hot little room, smelling my insence, listening to my Colt music ( I know, I'm a glutton for punishment), and thinking about things. I'm a little torn about an insignificant subject, it's really not important at all, but it's kinda been bugging me these past few days.
Now, I know I have great friends, amazing, if you will. I know they'll be there for me no matter what happens, no matter what I say or do. I love hanging out with them (most of the time) and spending time with them, talking and laughing and fun stuff like that, but lately, I've been feeling like I want somethig more. Not from them ,no, I don't think of them like that, they go above and beyond my expectations. No, I mean, I've kinda been wanting someone else in my life. No, I'm not just horny, I've had my fair share of meaningless sex, and it's not all it's cracked up to be. I miss the sort of thing that Colt and I used to have, that closeness, the understanding. He got me in a way no one did, he knew what I needed and gave it to me. There's one person who I feel could do that, but they're not interested in me.
That's the one hand. On the other hand, I know that I'm lonely and missing something, but I know that it always ends badly, and with me getting hurt. That's the last thing that I want is to go through that pain all over again. It almost killed me the last time, and I don't know if I could do that again. Especially with this one person, if it didn't work out and I lost him, that would be devestating. He means so much to me, I don't even want to risk it. I just don't want to go through that pain again, although I don't think it could get any worse than my fiancee cheating on me with men. That's something you don't really ever get over.
Anywho, this is long and mushy enough, so I should go.
Now, I know I have great friends, amazing, if you will. I know they'll be there for me no matter what happens, no matter what I say or do. I love hanging out with them (most of the time) and spending time with them, talking and laughing and fun stuff like that, but lately, I've been feeling like I want somethig more. Not from them ,no, I don't think of them like that, they go above and beyond my expectations. No, I mean, I've kinda been wanting someone else in my life. No, I'm not just horny, I've had my fair share of meaningless sex, and it's not all it's cracked up to be. I miss the sort of thing that Colt and I used to have, that closeness, the understanding. He got me in a way no one did, he knew what I needed and gave it to me. There's one person who I feel could do that, but they're not interested in me.
That's the one hand. On the other hand, I know that I'm lonely and missing something, but I know that it always ends badly, and with me getting hurt. That's the last thing that I want is to go through that pain all over again. It almost killed me the last time, and I don't know if I could do that again. Especially with this one person, if it didn't work out and I lost him, that would be devestating. He means so much to me, I don't even want to risk it. I just don't want to go through that pain again, although I don't think it could get any worse than my fiancee cheating on me with men. That's something you don't really ever get over.
Anywho, this is long and mushy enough, so I should go.