(no subject)
Not that it matters, but I am just going to write this and not put it under lock. I am so clueless why things work the way they do. I am so tired of not feeling well. I am just so sad for myself. Yep I am really. I am sad that I accept others bringing me down. But I see so much good in them I just keep taking all the crap I recieve. I am up to here with this so I just cant take it anymore. I am miserable. I am screaming on the inside, I cant sleep and I cant trust anyone. I dont have anyone to go to which makes me even more stuck. I have my husband but everyday he is so shady I think to myself hmm things are going too good he will drop a bomb on me about something fucked up he did. How can I move on? He showed me this perfect world and he crushed it earlier in our relationship. I knew that I couldnt move on after he did those things to me. It made me question who he is over and over and now I fear if things will ever be the same. I dont deserve this shit. I am tired and I just let myself go for him and everyone else. I have no desire like I used to. I used to want to get ready take a shower and sleep. Now I hardly want to do those things. Why should I? No one really cares anyway. He doesnt even care if I shower if my hair is messy and If I am a fat pig. In fact I wonder so much if that is how he wants me to be because he does not want to see me like I once was. I am afraid of getting the gastric bypass for fear of our realtionship changing. I do admit he is wonderful at times but then he is so shitty at times too. I do love him and he loves me but sometimes I wonder when he hides things from me. He is such a coward at times it amazes me his lies are brilliant. I belive them in hopes that someday it will change or he will grow up. He does work hard and he does take care of me but is it worth all this stress and strain daily feraful he will do something to just devestate me? Fuck that. I am tired of living in fear of things. I am tired of feeling bymyself with all this too. Everyone doesnt even realize how damaging his actions were to me. I am trying hard to get past them but they keep reminding me. I am sorry its hard to just forget the fucked up things. I mean.. picture a person you have known for a while just comepletly doing something out of character. You would be weirded out wouldnt you? Especially when you bend over backwards for that person and have done nothing to really deserve them acting that way. He gets upset that he cant live it down and I am upset that he wont let me. He does shady things and hides from me. I dont know why. I can be bitchy at times but my sweetness always over shadows that. Everyone has their moments just like he does. He can be an asshole and then I see all the good in him as well. He just totally made me think he is this great person and it turns out he just like every other typical man on earth. Maybe I am in dreamland to think he could be this wonderful person that wouldnt do fucked up things. I am so sick of it anad thinking about it. I just am going to start not caring or acknowledging the fucked up things he does anymore. Why even worryat this point. Now its like.. do you want to be with me or not? Yes I do think I cant live without him but I also cant continue feeling like shit everyday either. One major issues I have is with last night when we were being intimate I could have sworn he said another girls name besides mine but then again I am not totally sure at all! It couldve just sounded like it. Or I am so messed up over stuff with him I imagined it. At this point I have no idea. I cant say for sure I heard him say another girls name but it did not sound like my name. It is just getting to me but I am going to have to let it go. I have to, especially if he didnt say anything like it and I just misunderstood. It would be bad of me to be pissed at him and he did nothing wrong. So I guess its just me who will have this to dwell on inside until I am over it. All he does is work and come home and the 8 hours he is at work he cant even be trusted. I mean thats just fucking rediculous to me. wtf. I do know that I am feeling horribly fat and insecure but I am no idiot I know that I am those things but I can tell when someone is being an ass or not. I am not some stupid girl who will just sit back and let themselves be fooled by someone. I did that already and now I have my guard up and I am not taking it down for a longtime until I see changes for the better. I am so aggravated with this situation.