bitching
I really feel like poo today. I fell asleep on the sofa and kinda rolled up into a ball hoping I wouldnt wake up early. I need sleep, I need rest. I dont know wtf to do I am so weak I cant do shit around here. Everyday I seem to have the same issues just rotating in a circle. It feels shitty not being able to take care of your own kid for that long, I get tired and cannot entertain him for hours but I want to :/ also working for the shadiest fuck ever, which right now I cant do shit about because we need money.. alot of people would say just quit.. well I would but uhm I make better money here than elsewhere but I do indeed deserve a raise and I want to stop being treated like cinderella there and then another thing is figuring wtf is wrong with my husband all the time. I love him but hes just quiet and then stares at me and he gets pissy when I say what? Its mainly because I wanna know what he is thinking. Is that so wrong? Then he turns that into I have a problem with him when I dont really. But fuck act happy to be around not so blah.. thats why I ask if hes okay 31980292 times a day. It gets annoying too. So fuck it I am not gonna even say shit if he wants to act weird then okay its cool its not going to bother me anymore. Its almost like head games..I dont like mind games!
Anemia is a bitch. Its hurting me so much. I want to cry but I am too tired to cry. I want to also lose weight. ASAP.. even faster than that. Hah but how am I going to when It hurts to just sit and look, my legs and feet hurt .. my eye sockets even hurt at times. This sucks I have a right to bitch and moan about it. But despite that I want to start exercising, dont ask me how I am mustering up the possiblity to do so. I just think I need to do this and I would feel better to be back in my cute clothes. My boots miss me my long skirts miss me my dread extensions miss me my makeup misses me and I miss me.. the real me. My style doesnt truly identify me as a whole but theres things about me that I express in fashion. I like that. In like one year I went from a little semi chubby cyber princess with hardly no worries to a regular fat non caring plain clothes wearing non stylish person. It's not me. I guess its just adjusting to my after preggie body but I cant fit into my skirts or anything right now :/ Its like I am doing it to take focus off me and Its kinda working! Sigh.
I think I am going to join curves haha that way my ass has to workout and It will keep me motivated. I think my boy is kinda afraid Ill lose alot and he will feel not as secure because we were watching a person getting plastic surgery done and he told me if I did that he would be upset and be hurt. I said why and he says how I dont need to do anything he accepts me how I am and that I am beautiful. Which is sweet but I have hundreds of dollars of clothes I love! and want to wear and be comfortable with myself again. People also think only skinny girls have ed's but so do fat girls were all fucked up and obsessed over the same thing FOOD. I dont even enjoy food anymore sometimes I think I just need it. Or maybe I am secretly sabotoging myself cause I am scared to change. This whole pattern sucks and I am going to change this way of thinking.
Another thing that bothers me is for years my best friend kept me down. I couldnt even mention weight loss to her without her freaking out on me. I had a hard time just having makeup on and if she didnt she had a fit and acted like a complete wacko on me. Needless to say she has always acted a little jealous. She used to be so down when I lost weight and started really looking good. She was totally happy when I was fat and miserable. Isnt that fucked? I think so. Everyone saw her outrageous behavior. Especially when I met my boy. She went ballistic. Would cry and scream at me and meet me outside my work to talk to me, well scream and cry to me. Would just be horrible when we would be out with her and act bothered that I was so happy and someone else was giving me attention. She was only content when I was at her level or lower. So, before I met my boy she would hurt me alot by ignoring me not wanting to hang out and just plain sucked as a friend. Then I meet him and shes acting like shes been the best friend to me and why am I doing this to her. When she deserted me long before he came here. So, after a while I got preggie. She was upset, she would always be upset when somneone we knew would be preggie or married, etc. Its like she couldnt stand when people would be happy because she wanted those things. I dont know. So she purposely started dieting like a maniac and losing alot of weight mainly because I couldnt, you cannot lose weight when your preggie in fact you gain weight. So this was her only edge on me. Its kinda lame being I was preggie! she was losing weight when I couldnt do anything about my weight at that particular time. She has always made our friendship a competitive one.
I swear she even comes over to visit just to show me how much weight shes losing while I am recouperating from having a baby! She actually offered her old fat clothes to me.. as if! I have a completely different style than her. She has no style and she damn well knows I dont wear anything but black. So it was a little ploy to annoy me. And it worked kinda. I have my own clothes anyway. That I lerve.
Anemia is a bitch. Its hurting me so much. I want to cry but I am too tired to cry. I want to also lose weight. ASAP.. even faster than that. Hah but how am I going to when It hurts to just sit and look, my legs and feet hurt .. my eye sockets even hurt at times. This sucks I have a right to bitch and moan about it. But despite that I want to start exercising, dont ask me how I am mustering up the possiblity to do so. I just think I need to do this and I would feel better to be back in my cute clothes. My boots miss me my long skirts miss me my dread extensions miss me my makeup misses me and I miss me.. the real me. My style doesnt truly identify me as a whole but theres things about me that I express in fashion. I like that. In like one year I went from a little semi chubby cyber princess with hardly no worries to a regular fat non caring plain clothes wearing non stylish person. It's not me. I guess its just adjusting to my after preggie body but I cant fit into my skirts or anything right now :/ Its like I am doing it to take focus off me and Its kinda working! Sigh.
I think I am going to join curves haha that way my ass has to workout and It will keep me motivated. I think my boy is kinda afraid Ill lose alot and he will feel not as secure because we were watching a person getting plastic surgery done and he told me if I did that he would be upset and be hurt. I said why and he says how I dont need to do anything he accepts me how I am and that I am beautiful. Which is sweet but I have hundreds of dollars of clothes I love! and want to wear and be comfortable with myself again. People also think only skinny girls have ed's but so do fat girls were all fucked up and obsessed over the same thing FOOD. I dont even enjoy food anymore sometimes I think I just need it. Or maybe I am secretly sabotoging myself cause I am scared to change. This whole pattern sucks and I am going to change this way of thinking.
Another thing that bothers me is for years my best friend kept me down. I couldnt even mention weight loss to her without her freaking out on me. I had a hard time just having makeup on and if she didnt she had a fit and acted like a complete wacko on me. Needless to say she has always acted a little jealous. She used to be so down when I lost weight and started really looking good. She was totally happy when I was fat and miserable. Isnt that fucked? I think so. Everyone saw her outrageous behavior. Especially when I met my boy. She went ballistic. Would cry and scream at me and meet me outside my work to talk to me, well scream and cry to me. Would just be horrible when we would be out with her and act bothered that I was so happy and someone else was giving me attention. She was only content when I was at her level or lower. So, before I met my boy she would hurt me alot by ignoring me not wanting to hang out and just plain sucked as a friend. Then I meet him and shes acting like shes been the best friend to me and why am I doing this to her. When she deserted me long before he came here. So, after a while I got preggie. She was upset, she would always be upset when somneone we knew would be preggie or married, etc. Its like she couldnt stand when people would be happy because she wanted those things. I dont know. So she purposely started dieting like a maniac and losing alot of weight mainly because I couldnt, you cannot lose weight when your preggie in fact you gain weight. So this was her only edge on me. Its kinda lame being I was preggie! she was losing weight when I couldnt do anything about my weight at that particular time. She has always made our friendship a competitive one.
I swear she even comes over to visit just to show me how much weight shes losing while I am recouperating from having a baby! She actually offered her old fat clothes to me.. as if! I have a completely different style than her. She has no style and she damn well knows I dont wear anything but black. So it was a little ploy to annoy me. And it worked kinda. I have my own clothes anyway. That I lerve.