How do I sabotage thee? Let me count the ways...
So, I'm a master saboteur. I can find very creative and innovative ways to sabotage my life when things are going good.
Take my relationship. I had...nearly a perfect relationship. Now? Not so much. I've found many ways to turn things around, twist things, and just generally malcontent myself into a rage over, well, practically nothing. I am the person who makes a mountain out of a molehill when things are going good for me.
I do it in everything, though. Jobs, relationships. I think friendships are the only thing that I don't really sabotage. Not sure why that is...but there it is.
My therapist explained it perfectly to me. She said because my life was periodic calm and then violent chaos that's how I learned the pattern of my life. She said most people have hills and valleys but if things are going too smoothly for me it makes me uncomfortable and so I sabotage to create the massive peaks and valleys of chaos simply because that's what's comfortable to me. I call it my "waiting for the other shoe to drop" feeling.
So, in other words, nearly everything I touch I turn to shit.
How many lives have I spun into this chaos with me? How many lives did I turn to shit by sucking them into the maelstrom of my chaos-making psychosis?
My boyfriend tells me that I've turned into a black hole of emotion. It's true. He says I used to smile when I saw him, and I don't do that anymore. It's not that I'm not glad to see him, I'm just sucked into my own chaos and misery.
I've stopped taking my birth control. I've cried 3 times in the last 2 weeks. Two of those have been within the last 2 days. I'm not a crier. I don't have crying fits. I am not that person. Yet I've become that person on birth control. This is the 4th one I've tried in 3 years and all of them have affected me to one degree or another. This one is almost as bad as Depo was and that one turned me absolutely to the point someone should have admitted me to a psych ward crazy. I was hysterical on that damn shot.
There's a light to this darkness, though. I have my appointment to get permanently sterilized. It's in just about 5 weeks and when I saw that paper I cried tears of joy and relief. I've never cried tears of relief before but just knowing that an end is in sight, and so soon...it made me weep.
Tomorrow I call my GP about getting an anti-depressant. I know it's not an immediate fix, but I can at least start taking the steps to pulling myself up and out of this deep, dark hole I'm in.
I'm going to the gym tomorrow. The exercise will help my mental state and a little bit of my self-image, too. I've been neglecting the gym because I've just had too many things on my plate lately to be able to fit that in, too. My boyfriend and I are taking a little bit of a breather right now, which will allow me the energy to go to the gym. He and our relationship used to be the dessert I looked forward to after dealing with everything on my plate, now it's just something else I need to deal with. He wants to be that again for me but knows that I need to deal with my own mental issues before we can begin fixing us. He said whenever I'm ready to be fully in the relationship again then he will be waiting for me. Until then we're having date nights every couple of weeks as my schedule and mental state allow. It's our compromise right now. We couldn't continue as we had been and neither of us wants to end the relationship. The fact that he's willing to wait for me, for us, is huge. He said if he didn't think we had a future then he would just end it now. He said we've been working towards a life together and he doesn't want to throw that away but if we continue how we have been then irreparable damage is going to be done.
My next appointment with my therapist is in a week. I think I'm going to request that we talk about the tools I need to start putting a stop to the sabotage, to learn to trust, to be less afraid of being hurt. That's really what this all comes down to, a way to try and not be hurt.
See, this relationship is the most REAL relationship I've been in. I know this and it scares the pants off me. All of my other relationships have had fatal flaws, flaws that I saw pretty early on but ignored. He has his flaws but in general they're not anything that is truly fatal to our relationship. Nothing that could be defined as a true deal-breaker. Oh there are things I don't like, don't get me wrong, things that make me really angry sometimes, but they're things that we could really work through. Things that we were already working through when I started to spiral down.
The thing is, I love the bastard, even when he's being stubborn as a rock and a giant asshole.
He says he needs me to be the woman I was. The woman who he was almost intimidated by because of my ability to call him out on being an ass and my No BS Tolerance attitude. I need to be that woman again, too. That's who I'm supposed to be. Who I really am. Not this shrinking violet who's afraid of everything.
I need help, and the only people who can help me are me and my therapist. He wants to be here to help me but he knows that I won't let him. That I don't know how to let him. I simply don't have the tools yet to let that happen. Hopefully I will next week.
This feeling I'm having now is something I've had off and on since I was 8. Birth control has taken it from something that I just dealt with and got through to something that is so much bigger than I am, something I can't control, can't even begin to get a grasp on. Just knowing that I'm now really getting help for this...that I might one day be honestly happy for longer than a few weeks or even a month or two? That's huge. Monumental. Earth-shattering. Most importantly, life-altering. This is the beginning of the rest of my life. My real life. Not this thing I've been slogging through for so long. 31 years old and my life is only just truly beginning now.
I know this is extremely long and rambly and anyone who still reads my posts will say "ummm...tl;dr" but that's ok, because this is for me. I may be posting here a lot more in the near future. Lots of changes coming my way and I'll need an outlet for my rambling. :-)
Wish me luck.
Take my relationship. I had...nearly a perfect relationship. Now? Not so much. I've found many ways to turn things around, twist things, and just generally malcontent myself into a rage over, well, practically nothing. I am the person who makes a mountain out of a molehill when things are going good for me.
I do it in everything, though. Jobs, relationships. I think friendships are the only thing that I don't really sabotage. Not sure why that is...but there it is.
My therapist explained it perfectly to me. She said because my life was periodic calm and then violent chaos that's how I learned the pattern of my life. She said most people have hills and valleys but if things are going too smoothly for me it makes me uncomfortable and so I sabotage to create the massive peaks and valleys of chaos simply because that's what's comfortable to me. I call it my "waiting for the other shoe to drop" feeling.
So, in other words, nearly everything I touch I turn to shit.
How many lives have I spun into this chaos with me? How many lives did I turn to shit by sucking them into the maelstrom of my chaos-making psychosis?
My boyfriend tells me that I've turned into a black hole of emotion. It's true. He says I used to smile when I saw him, and I don't do that anymore. It's not that I'm not glad to see him, I'm just sucked into my own chaos and misery.
I've stopped taking my birth control. I've cried 3 times in the last 2 weeks. Two of those have been within the last 2 days. I'm not a crier. I don't have crying fits. I am not that person. Yet I've become that person on birth control. This is the 4th one I've tried in 3 years and all of them have affected me to one degree or another. This one is almost as bad as Depo was and that one turned me absolutely to the point someone should have admitted me to a psych ward crazy. I was hysterical on that damn shot.
There's a light to this darkness, though. I have my appointment to get permanently sterilized. It's in just about 5 weeks and when I saw that paper I cried tears of joy and relief. I've never cried tears of relief before but just knowing that an end is in sight, and so soon...it made me weep.
Tomorrow I call my GP about getting an anti-depressant. I know it's not an immediate fix, but I can at least start taking the steps to pulling myself up and out of this deep, dark hole I'm in.
I'm going to the gym tomorrow. The exercise will help my mental state and a little bit of my self-image, too. I've been neglecting the gym because I've just had too many things on my plate lately to be able to fit that in, too. My boyfriend and I are taking a little bit of a breather right now, which will allow me the energy to go to the gym. He and our relationship used to be the dessert I looked forward to after dealing with everything on my plate, now it's just something else I need to deal with. He wants to be that again for me but knows that I need to deal with my own mental issues before we can begin fixing us. He said whenever I'm ready to be fully in the relationship again then he will be waiting for me. Until then we're having date nights every couple of weeks as my schedule and mental state allow. It's our compromise right now. We couldn't continue as we had been and neither of us wants to end the relationship. The fact that he's willing to wait for me, for us, is huge. He said if he didn't think we had a future then he would just end it now. He said we've been working towards a life together and he doesn't want to throw that away but if we continue how we have been then irreparable damage is going to be done.
My next appointment with my therapist is in a week. I think I'm going to request that we talk about the tools I need to start putting a stop to the sabotage, to learn to trust, to be less afraid of being hurt. That's really what this all comes down to, a way to try and not be hurt.
See, this relationship is the most REAL relationship I've been in. I know this and it scares the pants off me. All of my other relationships have had fatal flaws, flaws that I saw pretty early on but ignored. He has his flaws but in general they're not anything that is truly fatal to our relationship. Nothing that could be defined as a true deal-breaker. Oh there are things I don't like, don't get me wrong, things that make me really angry sometimes, but they're things that we could really work through. Things that we were already working through when I started to spiral down.
The thing is, I love the bastard, even when he's being stubborn as a rock and a giant asshole.
He says he needs me to be the woman I was. The woman who he was almost intimidated by because of my ability to call him out on being an ass and my No BS Tolerance attitude. I need to be that woman again, too. That's who I'm supposed to be. Who I really am. Not this shrinking violet who's afraid of everything.
I need help, and the only people who can help me are me and my therapist. He wants to be here to help me but he knows that I won't let him. That I don't know how to let him. I simply don't have the tools yet to let that happen. Hopefully I will next week.
This feeling I'm having now is something I've had off and on since I was 8. Birth control has taken it from something that I just dealt with and got through to something that is so much bigger than I am, something I can't control, can't even begin to get a grasp on. Just knowing that I'm now really getting help for this...that I might one day be honestly happy for longer than a few weeks or even a month or two? That's huge. Monumental. Earth-shattering. Most importantly, life-altering. This is the beginning of the rest of my life. My real life. Not this thing I've been slogging through for so long. 31 years old and my life is only just truly beginning now.
I know this is extremely long and rambly and anyone who still reads my posts will say "ummm...tl;dr" but that's ok, because this is for me. I may be posting here a lot more in the near future. Lots of changes coming my way and I'll need an outlet for my rambling. :-)
Wish me luck.