If you don’t love me, let me go. (1/?)
Title: If you don’t love me, let me go. (1/?)
Rating: PG-13 (might go up)
Pairing: YooMin with a large side of JaeHo
Genre: Romance/Humor(/Angst?)
Warnings: A few curse words here and there.
Summary: How could I explain to them? How could I tell them that every time I saw them together it made my thoughts turn to YooChun? I wanted every kiss and touch and loving word they shared to be YooChun's and mine, and not JaeJoong and YunHo's. The jealousy was killing me.
Cross-posted to jaeho_yongwonhi and seuki
"Whoa! No! Stop! That's all wrong." YunHo said, waving his arms. JaeJoong looked up at YunHo, his eyes showing he expected to be scolded for making a wrong move. Poor JaeJoong was usually the reason our practices came to a halt.
"It wasn't you Jae. It was Mr. Thrust Bunny over there." He pointed an accusatory finger at Micky.
"What did I do now?" He crossed his arms in casual defiance.
"We're supposed to be swaying then turning. It's all supposed to flow. If you're doing pelvic thrusts throughout the thing, it's not gonna flow!"
JunSu started laughing, he leaned on YooChun for support as his fits of giggles made him cover his face. All of us found the situation very amusing, even JaeJoong. In fact the only person who didn't was YunHo.
"It's not funny. If we don't get this done we'll be here all night." He rubbed his forehead in frustration.
"But.." Junsu was starting to catch his breath, "aren't bunnies supposed to thrust all the time? Always breeding?" he pointed out helpfully.
YooChun was grinning wickedly, "Yeah. It's in my nature."
"I don't care! Stop with the jokes! We have a video to film in two weeks. We need these steps to be perfect."
"Okay…okay," YooChun sighed in defeat, "no more thrusting."
"Unless it's part of the dance." YunHo added.
"Unless it's part of the dance." YooChun said in agreement.
"Good. One.. Two.. Three... And..." YunHo started his part of the routine and we began, facing the mirror of the dance studio. I watched YooChun during the sway and turn to see if he would start his thrusting again. He didn't, but he was grinning. I could tell he was thinking about it. I found myself thinking about it too. His moves weren't like the rest of ours. His were rough and sexual. Sure, how the rest of us danced was definitely sexy, thus the screaming girls, but his were naturally that way. His hips would jut out of their own accord when he danced. And when he moved, he moved in a way that was distinctly masculine.
My eyes traveled down to his hips to watch them sway with the beat. I swallowed. His sweat pants rested low on his defined hips. His loose shirt hung beautifully off of his shoulders. The cloth would ride up as he moved. My eyes devoured the lines above his pelvis. They slanted down, carved from flesh and muscle, traveling beneath the cloth. I tasted blood in my mouth and realized I had been biting my lip a little too harshly. Somehow though, I had continued the dance without a mistake. I suppose weeks of practicing it had engrained it into my mind.
"Great! We finally got through it perfectly. Good job guys." YunHo smiled. "Let's go home. we've been here for hours." He put an arm around Jae's waist and whispered something in his ear that made Jae cover his face and blush. YunHo grinned, looking satisfied he gave a quick kiss to the other singer's neck. I should have been used to JaeJoong and YunHo's relationship at this point. It had been going on for almost six months. As I watched them laugh and smile, arms pulling each other close as they walked, I knew I wanted what they had. I wanted it so badly I found myself glaring at their love with jealous eyes.
"Hey ChangMin, you okay?" JunSu asked me, one of his hands coming down on my shoulder. It rested there as we started walking out.
"Yeah." I responded, tearing my eyes away from the happy couple.
"Your lip is bleeding." He pointed a finger to the wound.
I pushed his hand away, "Yeah. I just bit it by accident."
"Okay..." JunSu sounded put off that I had rejected his concern.
"Sorry. Let's just go." I grabbed my bag and headed for the van. I decided to shower at home instead. If I went to the locker room I would see YooChun in nothing but a towel, and although that would be a pleasant sight, I didn't need to injure my lip further.
After we arrived home JunSu suggested that we go to a restaurant. Even though we had been practicing for hours, we were all up for it. After all, it was about time we went out to have some fun. We sat in the living room and JaeJoong asked what we wanted for dinner. After a brief discussion we decided to go to a Spanish restaurant. One that JaeJoong and YunHo had gone to recently.
"You'll love it. The food is fantastic and it's not too well known. Usually foreigners go there, so we won't be spotted much by fans." JaeJoong was being hugged from behind by YunHo as he spoke. YunHo's arms wrapped possessively around the older singer and Jae let his fingers run affectionately over the ring he had given to his lover. Those rings, they were practically showing them off. The way the stood there, YunHo holding JaeJoong so comfortably, made my heart ache. I wanted to feel YooChun like that, his arms around me lovingly. If even for a moment. I wasn't asking for rings. Just something other than this aching want that left me feeling helpless and alone.
"Yeah and the bathroom is great. Big stalls." YunHo smiled.
JunSu crinkled up his nose, "Ew! I don't want to know about the scenery when you use the toilet!"
"Who says that's why I went into the stall?" he started grinning, "JaeJoong can tell you how big they are too."
"YunHo!" JaeJoong's blush covered his cheeks. He lightly smacked YunHo's arm, obviously embarrassed.
YooChun rolled his eyes. JunSu and him started chatting about what they were going to order as they put on their shoes. I sat on the couch, and out of the corner of my eye watched our band leader and our oldest member. YunHo's smile grew and he whispered into JaeJoong's ear, earning a chuckle from the slightly older man. JaeJoong covered his mouth with one of his hands, hiding his smile from the rest of us. YunHo kissed Jae's hair, love shining through his face.
"Would you guys just fucking stop! I can't stand anymore of this cutesy couple shit! You're making me sick!" I regretted the words as soon as they left my mouth. My voice had been too harsh and much too angry. I glanced over at YooChun. He looked at me with a puzzled expression, his fingers stopped in the middle of their task of tying his shoe.
"Wow." JunSu said after a moment.
YunHo moved to JaeJoong's side, his arms folded across his chest and his anger forming on his face. JaeJoong's face fell with disappointment and confusion, that reaction made me feel the worst. You could make YunHo yell and scream and it would be upsetting, but if you made our oldest hyung disappointed you didn't deserve to live. I think we all felt that way. "I think you should stay home ChangMin." he said calmly.
"Wait! I just..." How could I explain to them? How could I tell them that every time I saw them together it made my thoughts turn to YooChun? I wanted every kiss and touch and loving word they shared to be YooChun's and mine, and not JaeJoong and YunHo's. The jealousy was killing me. "Yeah." I sighed and hung my head. I didn't meet JaeJoong's eyes, or anyone else’s for that matter. I knew I wouldn't like what I saw there.
I walked past them to my room, feeling their eyes on my back with every step. My skin felt heated from embarrassment. I cursed my mouth for acting without my consent as I closed the door to my room. I leaned against the wood of the door and faintly I heard whispers from the living room. I couldn't make out what was said, but I knew, of course, it was about me and my strange behavior. After a few moments I heard them all leave the apartment without me.
"Good one ChangMin." I said to myself. I kicked my dresser and felt a sharp pain quickly grow in my foot.
I fell into my unmade bed and stared at the white ceiling above me. A dull throb now coursed through my toes. I tried to concentrate on that pain, thinking it would distract me. Unfortunately, it was nothing compared to the confusion anger I was feeling.
What I said was true. They were actually making me feel sick. Every time I looked at them and that jealousy hit me, my stomach churned with shame. I shouldn't feel that way about my hyungs.
I shouldn't feel this way about YooChun. He haunted my mind like a ghost that refused to leave, filling my thoughts with his smile and body. Images of his dancing pushed there way in, his hips moving to the music, jutting forward with the beat. Those divine lines right below his naval running down, leaving the rest of their path to the imagination as they disappeared beneath his pants..
"Damn it Micky! This is all your fault!" I grabbed a pillow behind my head and chucked it at the far wall. Unfortunately it didn't break anything.
A few hours later I awoke in my bed, still laying on top of the covers with sneakers on my feet. I groaned as I swung my legs over the side of the bed. Sleeping in my clothes always left me feeling drained for some reason. I sat there, staring at the wall, letting my mind stay blissfully blank in it’s post sleep haze. A few moments later there was a knock on my bedroom door. As I walked over to open it, I tried quickly prepare some sort of apology that would appease JaeJoong, but still keep my secret safe. Of course nothing came to mind.
Reluctantly I opened the door. I was somewhat shocked at who I found there, but not too shocked. “Wha-?”” I managed to get out.
“Feeling better, psycho?” YooChun asked with a smirk. I rolled my eyes at the name he had used for me. I really did love his playful teasing, but I wasn‘t about to show him that.
He pushed passed me into my room. “I come bearing a gift.” he held up a white plastic bag, “Some food from the restaurant.”
“Thanks.“ I gratefully took the bag from him and a smile tugged at the corners of my mouth. I sat on the edge of my bed and opened the styrofoam box that was inside the bag.
“It’s a burrito.” he hooked his thumbs in his belt loops and leaned against the wall. I looked up and wet my bottom lip with my tongue. I just wanted to touch him. To run over and push up against him, wiping that smirk off his face with a hard kiss to his mouth. I quickly looked down and back at the food, willing my heart to stop its rapid pounding.
“ChangMin…?”
“Huh?” my eyes focused on the brown tortilla.
“Is this your first time?”
“Wh-What?” I swallowed and my eyes went wide. My head shot back up to look at him.
He raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms against his chest. “Is this your first time eating a burrito?”
“Oh…” my cheeks heated and I knew I was blushing. “Yeah.”
“Well. They’re good. You’ll like them.”
He stood there as I bit into my dinner. I hadn’t realized how hungry I was until the food was in my mouth. I almost groaned. When I swallowed my first bite it only took me a second to swallow the next one.
YooChun chuckled lightly, “So I’m guessing you like it?”
I nodded, my cheeks puffed out with food. In a minute the burrito was done and I wiped my mouth with a napkin that I found in the plastic bag. “It was good. I’ve had nachos before. It was kinda like a nacho sandwich.”
He laughed again and I looked up to take in his smile that I loved so much, the one that lights up his face, “Yeah. I guess.”
We were silent for a minute, and I started to wonder why he had stayed so long. Why hadn’t he just given me the food and left?
“What happened before? With your outburst?” Oh, that’s why. I should have guessed that was coming. Of course it had to be him to bring this up with me.
I got up to throw the bag out in the small trash bin I had in the room. I turned to face him and bit my lip, feeling a slight pain from the cut there. “I guess… I guess I just lost it for a second…”
“I don’t believe you. The ChangMin I know doesn’t say things like that because he 'loses it for a second.'“ He stepped closer to me, his deep voice and dominating presence made me hold my breath, “The ChangMin I know doesn’t upset JaeJoong like that without reason.”
“Was he very upset?” I felt ashamed. Not wanting to look at YooChun’s face, I opted for the floor between us.
“Yeah Min. He was. What the hell happened?” He sounded confused, and concerned.
I braved looking into his eyes as I spoke, “Honestly. I don’t know. I guess all this pressure. With school, with the group, the video coming up, and practices, I’m finding it hard to carry the weight of it all. I just got annoyed with how care-free they are.” I let out a deep breath, “I was wrong. I know that. I feel horrible.” Okay, so I lied. I couldn’t tell him the truth. I couldn’t tell him that the burden on me wasn’t work, but my love for him, my want for him.
“It’ll be okay. Just apologize to them and they’ll forgive you in an instant. You know how JaeJoong is.” He smiled a little then, trying to comfort me.
“Yeah. I will. And thanks for the food.” I returned his smile with my own weak attempt at one. After a moment, the room felt entirely too quiet and still. I could almost feel the air between our two bodies pressing against my skin. I bit my lip again harshly as the silence passed for a second and I studied the curves of his face. I wanted to retreat under my covers and hide there until he left, until all thoughts of him left me. He was too much for me, my feelings for him felt overwhelming.
“Goodnight Min.” He gave me a small hug and smiled before turning to go.
“Yeah. Night.” I watched his back as he walked out of my room and into the hallway. After a moment I closed my door and walked back to my bed to fall back into it. I pulled off my shoes, and then my clothes, leaving only my boxers. Then I pulled up my legs to slip them beneath the covers and relax into the mattress.
I could still smell his cologne in the air. I could feel his hands on my back from when he had hugged me. The taste of the food he had given me still lingered on my tongue. I was covered and filled with memories of him. I got hardly any sleep that night, but I still dreamt of YooChun. I dreamt of him every night and everyday. He made it hard to live. He made me want to live. I must have been going crazy.
Rating: PG-13 (might go up)
Pairing: YooMin with a large side of JaeHo
Genre: Romance/Humor(/Angst?)
Warnings: A few curse words here and there.
Summary: How could I explain to them? How could I tell them that every time I saw them together it made my thoughts turn to YooChun? I wanted every kiss and touch and loving word they shared to be YooChun's and mine, and not JaeJoong and YunHo's. The jealousy was killing me.
Cross-posted to jaeho_yongwonhi and seuki
"Whoa! No! Stop! That's all wrong." YunHo said, waving his arms. JaeJoong looked up at YunHo, his eyes showing he expected to be scolded for making a wrong move. Poor JaeJoong was usually the reason our practices came to a halt.
"It wasn't you Jae. It was Mr. Thrust Bunny over there." He pointed an accusatory finger at Micky.
"What did I do now?" He crossed his arms in casual defiance.
"We're supposed to be swaying then turning. It's all supposed to flow. If you're doing pelvic thrusts throughout the thing, it's not gonna flow!"
JunSu started laughing, he leaned on YooChun for support as his fits of giggles made him cover his face. All of us found the situation very amusing, even JaeJoong. In fact the only person who didn't was YunHo.
"It's not funny. If we don't get this done we'll be here all night." He rubbed his forehead in frustration.
"But.." Junsu was starting to catch his breath, "aren't bunnies supposed to thrust all the time? Always breeding?" he pointed out helpfully.
YooChun was grinning wickedly, "Yeah. It's in my nature."
"I don't care! Stop with the jokes! We have a video to film in two weeks. We need these steps to be perfect."
"Okay…okay," YooChun sighed in defeat, "no more thrusting."
"Unless it's part of the dance." YunHo added.
"Unless it's part of the dance." YooChun said in agreement.
"Good. One.. Two.. Three... And..." YunHo started his part of the routine and we began, facing the mirror of the dance studio. I watched YooChun during the sway and turn to see if he would start his thrusting again. He didn't, but he was grinning. I could tell he was thinking about it. I found myself thinking about it too. His moves weren't like the rest of ours. His were rough and sexual. Sure, how the rest of us danced was definitely sexy, thus the screaming girls, but his were naturally that way. His hips would jut out of their own accord when he danced. And when he moved, he moved in a way that was distinctly masculine.
My eyes traveled down to his hips to watch them sway with the beat. I swallowed. His sweat pants rested low on his defined hips. His loose shirt hung beautifully off of his shoulders. The cloth would ride up as he moved. My eyes devoured the lines above his pelvis. They slanted down, carved from flesh and muscle, traveling beneath the cloth. I tasted blood in my mouth and realized I had been biting my lip a little too harshly. Somehow though, I had continued the dance without a mistake. I suppose weeks of practicing it had engrained it into my mind.
"Great! We finally got through it perfectly. Good job guys." YunHo smiled. "Let's go home. we've been here for hours." He put an arm around Jae's waist and whispered something in his ear that made Jae cover his face and blush. YunHo grinned, looking satisfied he gave a quick kiss to the other singer's neck. I should have been used to JaeJoong and YunHo's relationship at this point. It had been going on for almost six months. As I watched them laugh and smile, arms pulling each other close as they walked, I knew I wanted what they had. I wanted it so badly I found myself glaring at their love with jealous eyes.
"Hey ChangMin, you okay?" JunSu asked me, one of his hands coming down on my shoulder. It rested there as we started walking out.
"Yeah." I responded, tearing my eyes away from the happy couple.
"Your lip is bleeding." He pointed a finger to the wound.
I pushed his hand away, "Yeah. I just bit it by accident."
"Okay..." JunSu sounded put off that I had rejected his concern.
"Sorry. Let's just go." I grabbed my bag and headed for the van. I decided to shower at home instead. If I went to the locker room I would see YooChun in nothing but a towel, and although that would be a pleasant sight, I didn't need to injure my lip further.
After we arrived home JunSu suggested that we go to a restaurant. Even though we had been practicing for hours, we were all up for it. After all, it was about time we went out to have some fun. We sat in the living room and JaeJoong asked what we wanted for dinner. After a brief discussion we decided to go to a Spanish restaurant. One that JaeJoong and YunHo had gone to recently.
"You'll love it. The food is fantastic and it's not too well known. Usually foreigners go there, so we won't be spotted much by fans." JaeJoong was being hugged from behind by YunHo as he spoke. YunHo's arms wrapped possessively around the older singer and Jae let his fingers run affectionately over the ring he had given to his lover. Those rings, they were practically showing them off. The way the stood there, YunHo holding JaeJoong so comfortably, made my heart ache. I wanted to feel YooChun like that, his arms around me lovingly. If even for a moment. I wasn't asking for rings. Just something other than this aching want that left me feeling helpless and alone.
"Yeah and the bathroom is great. Big stalls." YunHo smiled.
JunSu crinkled up his nose, "Ew! I don't want to know about the scenery when you use the toilet!"
"Who says that's why I went into the stall?" he started grinning, "JaeJoong can tell you how big they are too."
"YunHo!" JaeJoong's blush covered his cheeks. He lightly smacked YunHo's arm, obviously embarrassed.
YooChun rolled his eyes. JunSu and him started chatting about what they were going to order as they put on their shoes. I sat on the couch, and out of the corner of my eye watched our band leader and our oldest member. YunHo's smile grew and he whispered into JaeJoong's ear, earning a chuckle from the slightly older man. JaeJoong covered his mouth with one of his hands, hiding his smile from the rest of us. YunHo kissed Jae's hair, love shining through his face.
"Would you guys just fucking stop! I can't stand anymore of this cutesy couple shit! You're making me sick!" I regretted the words as soon as they left my mouth. My voice had been too harsh and much too angry. I glanced over at YooChun. He looked at me with a puzzled expression, his fingers stopped in the middle of their task of tying his shoe.
"Wow." JunSu said after a moment.
YunHo moved to JaeJoong's side, his arms folded across his chest and his anger forming on his face. JaeJoong's face fell with disappointment and confusion, that reaction made me feel the worst. You could make YunHo yell and scream and it would be upsetting, but if you made our oldest hyung disappointed you didn't deserve to live. I think we all felt that way. "I think you should stay home ChangMin." he said calmly.
"Wait! I just..." How could I explain to them? How could I tell them that every time I saw them together it made my thoughts turn to YooChun? I wanted every kiss and touch and loving word they shared to be YooChun's and mine, and not JaeJoong and YunHo's. The jealousy was killing me. "Yeah." I sighed and hung my head. I didn't meet JaeJoong's eyes, or anyone else’s for that matter. I knew I wouldn't like what I saw there.
I walked past them to my room, feeling their eyes on my back with every step. My skin felt heated from embarrassment. I cursed my mouth for acting without my consent as I closed the door to my room. I leaned against the wood of the door and faintly I heard whispers from the living room. I couldn't make out what was said, but I knew, of course, it was about me and my strange behavior. After a few moments I heard them all leave the apartment without me.
"Good one ChangMin." I said to myself. I kicked my dresser and felt a sharp pain quickly grow in my foot.
I fell into my unmade bed and stared at the white ceiling above me. A dull throb now coursed through my toes. I tried to concentrate on that pain, thinking it would distract me. Unfortunately, it was nothing compared to the confusion anger I was feeling.
What I said was true. They were actually making me feel sick. Every time I looked at them and that jealousy hit me, my stomach churned with shame. I shouldn't feel that way about my hyungs.
I shouldn't feel this way about YooChun. He haunted my mind like a ghost that refused to leave, filling my thoughts with his smile and body. Images of his dancing pushed there way in, his hips moving to the music, jutting forward with the beat. Those divine lines right below his naval running down, leaving the rest of their path to the imagination as they disappeared beneath his pants..
"Damn it Micky! This is all your fault!" I grabbed a pillow behind my head and chucked it at the far wall. Unfortunately it didn't break anything.
A few hours later I awoke in my bed, still laying on top of the covers with sneakers on my feet. I groaned as I swung my legs over the side of the bed. Sleeping in my clothes always left me feeling drained for some reason. I sat there, staring at the wall, letting my mind stay blissfully blank in it’s post sleep haze. A few moments later there was a knock on my bedroom door. As I walked over to open it, I tried quickly prepare some sort of apology that would appease JaeJoong, but still keep my secret safe. Of course nothing came to mind.
Reluctantly I opened the door. I was somewhat shocked at who I found there, but not too shocked. “Wha-?”” I managed to get out.
“Feeling better, psycho?” YooChun asked with a smirk. I rolled my eyes at the name he had used for me. I really did love his playful teasing, but I wasn‘t about to show him that.
He pushed passed me into my room. “I come bearing a gift.” he held up a white plastic bag, “Some food from the restaurant.”
“Thanks.“ I gratefully took the bag from him and a smile tugged at the corners of my mouth. I sat on the edge of my bed and opened the styrofoam box that was inside the bag.
“It’s a burrito.” he hooked his thumbs in his belt loops and leaned against the wall. I looked up and wet my bottom lip with my tongue. I just wanted to touch him. To run over and push up against him, wiping that smirk off his face with a hard kiss to his mouth. I quickly looked down and back at the food, willing my heart to stop its rapid pounding.
“ChangMin…?”
“Huh?” my eyes focused on the brown tortilla.
“Is this your first time?”
“Wh-What?” I swallowed and my eyes went wide. My head shot back up to look at him.
He raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms against his chest. “Is this your first time eating a burrito?”
“Oh…” my cheeks heated and I knew I was blushing. “Yeah.”
“Well. They’re good. You’ll like them.”
He stood there as I bit into my dinner. I hadn’t realized how hungry I was until the food was in my mouth. I almost groaned. When I swallowed my first bite it only took me a second to swallow the next one.
YooChun chuckled lightly, “So I’m guessing you like it?”
I nodded, my cheeks puffed out with food. In a minute the burrito was done and I wiped my mouth with a napkin that I found in the plastic bag. “It was good. I’ve had nachos before. It was kinda like a nacho sandwich.”
He laughed again and I looked up to take in his smile that I loved so much, the one that lights up his face, “Yeah. I guess.”
We were silent for a minute, and I started to wonder why he had stayed so long. Why hadn’t he just given me the food and left?
“What happened before? With your outburst?” Oh, that’s why. I should have guessed that was coming. Of course it had to be him to bring this up with me.
I got up to throw the bag out in the small trash bin I had in the room. I turned to face him and bit my lip, feeling a slight pain from the cut there. “I guess… I guess I just lost it for a second…”
“I don’t believe you. The ChangMin I know doesn’t say things like that because he 'loses it for a second.'“ He stepped closer to me, his deep voice and dominating presence made me hold my breath, “The ChangMin I know doesn’t upset JaeJoong like that without reason.”
“Was he very upset?” I felt ashamed. Not wanting to look at YooChun’s face, I opted for the floor between us.
“Yeah Min. He was. What the hell happened?” He sounded confused, and concerned.
I braved looking into his eyes as I spoke, “Honestly. I don’t know. I guess all this pressure. With school, with the group, the video coming up, and practices, I’m finding it hard to carry the weight of it all. I just got annoyed with how care-free they are.” I let out a deep breath, “I was wrong. I know that. I feel horrible.” Okay, so I lied. I couldn’t tell him the truth. I couldn’t tell him that the burden on me wasn’t work, but my love for him, my want for him.
“It’ll be okay. Just apologize to them and they’ll forgive you in an instant. You know how JaeJoong is.” He smiled a little then, trying to comfort me.
“Yeah. I will. And thanks for the food.” I returned his smile with my own weak attempt at one. After a moment, the room felt entirely too quiet and still. I could almost feel the air between our two bodies pressing against my skin. I bit my lip again harshly as the silence passed for a second and I studied the curves of his face. I wanted to retreat under my covers and hide there until he left, until all thoughts of him left me. He was too much for me, my feelings for him felt overwhelming.
“Goodnight Min.” He gave me a small hug and smiled before turning to go.
“Yeah. Night.” I watched his back as he walked out of my room and into the hallway. After a moment I closed my door and walked back to my bed to fall back into it. I pulled off my shoes, and then my clothes, leaving only my boxers. Then I pulled up my legs to slip them beneath the covers and relax into the mattress.
I could still smell his cologne in the air. I could feel his hands on my back from when he had hugged me. The taste of the food he had given me still lingered on my tongue. I was covered and filled with memories of him. I got hardly any sleep that night, but I still dreamt of YooChun. I dreamt of him every night and everyday. He made it hard to live. He made me want to live. I must have been going crazy.