hmmm
Without having any intention of doing so, I think I'm shutting down. I can feel myself starting to detach myself from this place. I'm starting to look to my departure, and starting to care less about what I do in the meantime.
I know that I have to leave New Zealand in about three weeks. If you had asked me how I felt about that 3-4 weeks ago, I probably would have said that I didn't want to go and was dreading having to leave this absolutely beautiful country. But lately, my feelings have definitely started to change. At first, I didn't want to actually leave, but I felt like I would be ready to when the time came. But lately, I pretty much feel ready to go ... whenever.
Unfortunately, I've developed a bit of a bitter/negative attitude. I feel like I've missed out a bit. I know there is SO MUCH to see and do here, and yet, in the three months that I've been here so far, I haven't really managed to do very much of it, and as far as my last few weeks are concerned, I have even less on the horizon. In fact, aside from going to a rugby game, I have nothing planned other than work. YAY.
And that's what's really unfortunate, I think. Because I feel this heavy regret over not having really taken full advantage of my time here, and that regret just makes me feel even more sad and disappointed, which makes it even more difficult for me to attempt to do anything else. Aside from walking a friend around town today, I spent the entire day (a beautiful Saturday) at home, mostly indoors, doing nothing. I did laundry. Wahoo.
We have a three day weekend next weekend, and a part of me wants to just hop on a bus to Wellington and get on the ferry. Totally alone. I want to take the ferry to the south island, rent a car and drive like mad. If I could, I would drive for as long as I wanted, until I just didn't want to go any farther. Hell, maybe I'd go all the way to Invercargill. I'd cross the Alps, I'd visit the Glaciers and the Fjordlands. I would just GO.
But that's not possible at all. I have no money and no time. So it looks like I'm going to be "home" and bored. Although apparently we're having a big party at my house on Saturday night. It was real nice to find that out from someone at work. My other flatmate had no idea as well. Really nice for us to be included in those plans ... you know ... since we LIVE HERE.
I've also gotten really short with people. Of late I've definitely preferred to spend my time alone. I don't know if it's because other people bug me (although some of them actually DO), or if I just can't be bothered any more to stay close to and build relationships with people I'm not likely to ever see again after I get on that plane in a few weeks.
Whatever the reason, I definitely feel myself shutting down - cutting off from everything else. I really do want to be home now. I want to be carefree again. Although, I'm coming to realize that I will probably never be really carefree again ... not like what it should be. Growing up sucks.
I know that I have to leave New Zealand in about three weeks. If you had asked me how I felt about that 3-4 weeks ago, I probably would have said that I didn't want to go and was dreading having to leave this absolutely beautiful country. But lately, my feelings have definitely started to change. At first, I didn't want to actually leave, but I felt like I would be ready to when the time came. But lately, I pretty much feel ready to go ... whenever.
Unfortunately, I've developed a bit of a bitter/negative attitude. I feel like I've missed out a bit. I know there is SO MUCH to see and do here, and yet, in the three months that I've been here so far, I haven't really managed to do very much of it, and as far as my last few weeks are concerned, I have even less on the horizon. In fact, aside from going to a rugby game, I have nothing planned other than work. YAY.
And that's what's really unfortunate, I think. Because I feel this heavy regret over not having really taken full advantage of my time here, and that regret just makes me feel even more sad and disappointed, which makes it even more difficult for me to attempt to do anything else. Aside from walking a friend around town today, I spent the entire day (a beautiful Saturday) at home, mostly indoors, doing nothing. I did laundry. Wahoo.
We have a three day weekend next weekend, and a part of me wants to just hop on a bus to Wellington and get on the ferry. Totally alone. I want to take the ferry to the south island, rent a car and drive like mad. If I could, I would drive for as long as I wanted, until I just didn't want to go any farther. Hell, maybe I'd go all the way to Invercargill. I'd cross the Alps, I'd visit the Glaciers and the Fjordlands. I would just GO.
But that's not possible at all. I have no money and no time. So it looks like I'm going to be "home" and bored. Although apparently we're having a big party at my house on Saturday night. It was real nice to find that out from someone at work. My other flatmate had no idea as well. Really nice for us to be included in those plans ... you know ... since we LIVE HERE.
I've also gotten really short with people. Of late I've definitely preferred to spend my time alone. I don't know if it's because other people bug me (although some of them actually DO), or if I just can't be bothered any more to stay close to and build relationships with people I'm not likely to ever see again after I get on that plane in a few weeks.
Whatever the reason, I definitely feel myself shutting down - cutting off from everything else. I really do want to be home now. I want to be carefree again. Although, I'm coming to realize that I will probably never be really carefree again ... not like what it should be. Growing up sucks.