Crashing
Why does this shit bug me so much? Why do I want to smoke every fucking minute of the day?
I think I'm swinging (the moods, that is). Duran is over, work is still there, finals are upon me and all I want to do is smoke and sleep. My face is breaking out all over. That's a sure sign that something is not right in Whoville.
I am so fucking hard on myself and demand so fucking much of people. I wish I could just roll with it and not be so damn defensive sometimes.
I haven't felt this way for many months. It scares me when I get this way. I know it's just the disease, that the down swings come. I ride them out. Take your meds, take off some pressure (bye bye diet, lol). I've been reading my meditations and quoting Anon all day. I haven't smoked. I cry about it I want it so bad. But this pain, this hurt is a reconnect to life. It's a reconnect to interaction and feeling and being in the now. This pain fucking hurts and nicotine or anything else won't make it go away.
I have to be responsible for my choices. I can't do it alone. I hate this. I hate it.
I am stagnant. So, I'm giving myself a little computer time, and then going to find a hole in my kitchen that needs cleaning. Maybe that will help.
When I'm done, I think I'll scream.
I think I'm swinging (the moods, that is). Duran is over, work is still there, finals are upon me and all I want to do is smoke and sleep. My face is breaking out all over. That's a sure sign that something is not right in Whoville.
I am so fucking hard on myself and demand so fucking much of people. I wish I could just roll with it and not be so damn defensive sometimes.
I haven't felt this way for many months. It scares me when I get this way. I know it's just the disease, that the down swings come. I ride them out. Take your meds, take off some pressure (bye bye diet, lol). I've been reading my meditations and quoting Anon all day. I haven't smoked. I cry about it I want it so bad. But this pain, this hurt is a reconnect to life. It's a reconnect to interaction and feeling and being in the now. This pain fucking hurts and nicotine or anything else won't make it go away.
I have to be responsible for my choices. I can't do it alone. I hate this. I hate it.
I am stagnant. So, I'm giving myself a little computer time, and then going to find a hole in my kitchen that needs cleaning. Maybe that will help.
When I'm done, I think I'll scream.